The Oprah show did a segment yesterday on a new book by M. Gary Neuman called The Truth About Cheating, where he details the research he did about why men cheat.
I did not watch this Oprah segment, but a client sent me an email today alerting me to the free book download. You can go download a free copy of this book until 7 pm PST today, Friday the 12th here.
I have so far read 35 pages of the book and I like it, except for one thing… Now maybe M. Gary Neuman goes into this later in his book, I don’t know yet, and I am sure you will let me know below in the comments, but there’s this…
In his research he discovered that a man will most likely cheat if he feels unappreciated and unloved by his wife. This is absolutely true and I have been telling clients that for years. The reason anyone has an affair is because their needs are not getting met in their primary relationship and most often, these needs are emotional rather than physical.
At the same time, why are women not appreciating the men that then end up cheating? In most cases it’s not because the wife is simply a b-itch, but it’s because the man is behaving badly, is not stepping up to the plate in the marriage, or is not being loving and appreciative of her.
So it’s a vicious cycle. The man stops being as a good a partner he once used to be, or the marriage becomes a family and the man does not step up to his share of the responsibilities and being there. The wife feels less appreciative and loving because she feels less supported, cared for and loved. The man feels less appreciated and eventually may go out and find a girlfriend to make him feel better about himself.
This also applies to long term relationships that are not marriages and also applies to women who end up cheating.
So how are you supposed to negotiate the murky waters of relationships so as to avoid the devastation of cheating in your relationship? I don’t yet know if The Truth About Cheating goes into this, but here is my 4 step plan.
1. Appreciate what you husband/partner is doing for you, your family, around you, regardless of what else he may not be doing. This may be hard, but you would want it done for you, and it will preserve the love in your marriage/relationship.
2. If there are things that bother you about what your partner is doing or not doing, how he/she is treating you or not treating you, ask for change in a loving, respectful way. Ask for change repeatedly if it is important to you.
3. If you need to, get professional help as an individual or a couple to try to help your partner make the changes necessary to help you both be happier with each other. You may also need to make changes to function better in your relationship.
4. If there are problems in your marriage or relationship, things you have repeatedly asked him (or her) to change and the change is not forthcoming, make a choice. Choose between:
(a) Make peace with your partner as he/she is because obviously there is not going to be the change you want. That means you let go of what you want completely and make peace with what is.
(b) Leave because you can not live with the marriage/relationship and your partner the way things are and obviously there is not going to be the change you want
Affairs happen when both partners can not make peace with how things are, but can not leave. The non-cheating partner can not make peace with how she is being treated and retaliates by trying to make her husband feel bad about his unwillingness to change his behavior.
And he does feel bad and can’t live with feeling bad. Instead of encouraging change in him, feeling bad drives him into the arms of another woman.
You may think it should not be this way, but it is.
That is why it is so important to pick a partner who can most naturally give you what you want in a relationship, so that you do not have to pull teeth to get your needs met. If you happen to be single and you want to make sure that your next partner is highly compatible with you, get my Who Do You Need eCourse, which will help you figure out just whom you need to be in a relationship with.
And secondarily, that is why it is so important to deal with relationship problems and issues as soon as they occur, rather than letting them fester and grow worst. I don’t yet know what tips this affair book has for improving marriage, but I am sure they are great. And if you want more good ideas that will work to improve your marriage, take a look at three ebooks I have crated for marriage improvement.
From the Heart,
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
I too read the first few pages of the book, only to find complete disappointment. Why is it victimized for men. I as a woman feel the same exact way as the cheating man. Unappreciated, emotionally drained. Thing have changed amongst society, we need more publications that point out why men need to do more for a woman.
Jenny, you are right, it would be good for men to learn to do more for women, as some men in our culture still don’t quiet get what they need to do in order to have a good relationship. There are plenty of books on that topic. On the other hand, I would read any book on relationships as applying to both men and women – we are first human, than divided into genders and we are much more alike than different.
Jenny, I agree, its more up to the man to step forward, try loving her, giving his love, his presence, his fun in love, to melt her first. Then the truth of the situation can reveal itself, whether the partnership has enough love and vitality to continue and grow.
A good woman can only respond and truly open up to love and fresh ‘Manly’ presence. And the man needs to just give his love with no ‘hooks’ (the result of hopping into bed and getting what he wants). That may happen, but to love is not to expect or demand an end result. True love is continuous.
One more point I’d like to add, of course all of the emotional needs are important. But let’s not forget sexual needs. In general, men are more likely to cheat for sexual reasons than women are. And it’s often because their wives have stopped having sex with them. Granted it may be because the man needs to step up in other areas. But still, I often wonder what a bind this puts men in, their wives essentially saying: “I won’t have sex with you, but I expect you to be faithful!” Ouch, all the way around! So what needs to be done to revitalize the love and the sex- they go hand in hand if we want to prevent cheating.
After a 22+ year marriage 1 daughter both of ours and my son 30 from a diffrent relationship. 2 grand kids both are 1 1/2 years old. Due to a huge lay off my husband went to work in Nevada, he couldnt find the $’s we needed to survive. after him being in Nevada and I in Washington State I have discovered he’s been cheating , we have not had sex in over 2 years. and we have been argueing alot. due to some real bad problems from my employers. Now that he has verified my suspions I feel as though I have a knife twisting in my heart. This is killing me also my kids are hurt although they are older. Hes had sex in our 5th wheeler with the other and we havent . I want the matress and sheets removed it makes me soooo sick. He says he still loves me but I dont see how since he has made himself availble . he’s going to come home in about 4 days I want to be loved but I dont want him touching me right now.I am so confused. I thought we had plans when he retired traveling together . and the grand kids. I actually get a stomah ache thinking about this, I feel bad for our daughter she is 21 but it does hurt all of us. sometimes I feel like I hate him. I just sit here and think what do I do
I spent years dropping hints big & small to my wife about our sex life. It is the classic case described in this book. Little or no sex, but worse she is very unattentive and not very affectionate. This is where I think the emtional part comes in. Sometimes its not just about the sex but its the little things that make a man/person feel loved and wanted. After actully telling her I would get my needs met outside the marriage for years and her still not seeming to care I finally did. Now that she knows about it I amthe bad guy in all of this. What more can aman do to get his wife to pay more attention to the realtionship. We have been together for 25 years and have three children…& before all you women start asking I will answer you…I am very affectionate…always letting her know I loved her and wanted her but. I agree if a man does not get his needs met at home he will stray. It may sound chauvinistic but true. I would wlecome any advice..