Comments on: How to Stop Fighting in Your Relationship

By: En Garde! Disagreeing at a Distance : Go Girl Magazine

En Garde! Disagreeing at a Distance : Go Girl Magazine — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 06:28:36 +0000

[...] self-knowledge to accomplish constructive arguing.While writing this article I stumbled upon the Love Coach Blog and a writer’s Nine Commandments for Fighting Fare [sic]. I found the first two particularly eye-opening,1. Both people have the right to have [...]

By: chaithra

chaithra — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 06:35:48 +0000

when we starts to fight just think about the most loved person in ur life and the moments spend with you will be automatically cool

By: We Don’t Mean to Fight… « Long Distance Love

We Don’t Mean to Fight… « Long Distance Love — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 16:21:58 +0000

[...] The next hardest thing among the never-ending list of hardships in long distance relationships would have to be the fights. [...]

By: Bardo

Bardo — Sun, 24 Jul 2011 13:32:35 +0000

Never would have thunk I would find this so indsipsenalbe.

By: How to fight well | Single Mom Seeking

How to fight well | Single Mom Seeking — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 18:24:16 +0000

[...] It wasn’t until you left home and started to observe couples — the kind of grown-ups who work gently at love — that you realized this kind of fighting wasn’t normal. Still, for more than a decade, you have struggled in intimate relationships with men. This struggle feels familiar, even if you’re not happy, even if you don’t feel safe. Fortunately, you start to seek out people who might help you — like Love Coach Rinatta — who writes such incredibly insightful posts, such as “How to stop fighting in your relationship.” [...]

By: Sandra Curtis

Sandra Curtis — Sun, 07 Nov 2010 00:22:59 +0000

That are very smart ideas Renatta. I completely agree that angry defense and attack never solve the problem, but break trust and hopes to find the solution peacefully. This advices work when both partners want to find a different way to solve the disagreements. When it is only one spouse tries to get intelligent way and another doesn’t even want to read it, I think its time to go to the marriage consultants where independent person will be heard.

By: Love Coach Rinatta

Love Coach Rinatta — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 17:09:24 +0000

Hi there CuriousDina, all good points. But, the point I was trying to make in #5 is still very important. All too often partners ignore each others needs in the relationship until it is too late. Often one partner may sound to another like a winy kid – he or she may need something, but its not that important.

It’s important to know that if your partner wants to talk about something, it is very important not only to him or her, but also to you and to the survival of the relationship.

By: @CuriousDina

@CuriousDina — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 16:54:14 +0000

Rinatta, hi. Another 31DBBB friend here. I hope you won’t mind if I comment a bit. While I love the idea of helping individuals learn how to navigate through disputes, I was a little troubled by some of the suggestions, particularly, 5 and 7.

Engaging in conversation honestly and in a self aware way is very difficult in the best of situations because we often don’t know our own wants or don’t how to separate actual needs from strong desires. It’s near impossible when a person is uncomfortable or angry. You’ll get talk but it won’t be productive, and might even do more damage. Better to discover how to create an environment in which that reluctant person can feel ok talking. Best way to do that is ask: It is important to me to talk about xxx, what do you need so we can do that?

As a veteran mediator of 17 years, I’m all about the win-win. However, too often I hear couples misunderstanding what compromise is. As you say, compromise is about getting some, but not all of what you want. Problem is those other unfulfilled needs don’t just disappear. They can fester into disappointment and resentment. How does it feel to know you can’t ever get everything you need- bad.

The trick is to really differentiate between what you want and what you actually need. Then work towards getting that over-aching need met. For instance, if my hubby and I are fighting over why he never does the laundry, I may want him to do it more often, but my actual need is to get laundry completed without being the one to do it all the time. From that vantage point a lot more options become clear that don’t require compromise. Like get a housekeeper, or pay our teen, or give me a treat whenever I do it.

And, if we wanted to be grow our relationship even more, we might discuss why the laundry was a problem and why it feels important to me (i.e. a sign of caretaking) and why he doesn’t like it (feels anxious about ruining clothes).

Opps, sorry, this is a long comment. I’m passionate about people understand how to approach and resolve conflict, especially in relationships.

Love=Fun

Dina

By: Love Coach Rinatta

Love Coach Rinatta — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 19:58:48 +0000

Bea: hi there! thanks for visiting!

By: Bea

Bea — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 19:38:23 +0000

Hi Rinatta! I just saw your post on problogger. Looks like you've got some great tips. I'm looking forward to following your blog. Bea’s last blog post..Life After Residency: Preparing for a "Windfall"