Love Coach Blog

A client of mine was going through a very rough patch in her relationship. She wanted deep soulful connection and true partnership. He ran from the connection and she was angry with that most of the time. Even though this was a very obvious issue in the relationship, the man she was dating kept telling her that they just needed to “try to get along.”

They went to therapy to try to save the relationship, but he refused to look into his past for any clues as to why just getting along was enough and why he was refusing and running from the deep connection she was wanting. Because of this they tried to use the therapy to help them get along more and it didn’t help much.

This is how many people try to save their relationship – by trying harder to get along. What they don’t realize is that trying harder to get along does not work. Good intentions to get along or do better won’t work until both people stop and address the real issues in their relationship. The real issues in relationships are typically about not enough connection and always have their genesis in the past of each person.

So what do you do if you are struggling in your relationship, if you go from good to bad and back again, if you are trying to be connected and work it out, but can’t? Get to the heart of the issue(s) and ask your partner to do the same. This means both of you must have the courage to look back into past relationships and even into your childhood for clues as to what’s wrong with your relationship.

Here are the questions to ask each other to get to the heart of the issue(s) in your relationship: (The X below stands for the problem behavior in your relationship.)

When I do X behavior, say or look at you X way, what does it trigger in you?
What do you feel?
What do you think?
What does it remind you of?
What does it mean to you?
How does it make you want to act toward me?

Here is an alternative set of questions, in case you don’t know what sets your partner – or you – off:
What is bothering you?
Is something I am doing, saying, not doing making you unhappy?
What do you feel?
What do you think?
What does it remind you of?
What does it mean to you?
How does it make you want to act toward me?

If your partner decides to answer these questions, you must allow him or her to speak. Do not interrupt, defend or explain. Do not say anything back except to let the person know you are listening. Your partner needs the space to explore what’s going on. Allow the same space for yourself as well, to explore what’s going on with you.

If your partner rebukes the questions and tells you nothing is going on, you are being too demanding or too sensitive, making too much out of the situation, or that the problem is with you, don’t give up. You can tell him or her that you have it on very good authority that recurring relationship and connection problems always have deeper reasons, and until those reasons are discovered the problem(s) will not be solved.

You need to keep working with yourself and your partner at looking for the root of the issue(s). It is in your best interests and in the best interests of your relationship to get help with this. Get a good therapist or a relationship coach. If you want to schedule a one-on-one session with me – as I am a relationship coach – I will be glad to help you. I specialize in quickly going directly to the root of relationship problems. Contact me to get started or just to get more information.

If you honestly want to save your relationship, if you want deep intimacy and connectedness, don’t skirt the issue(s) and try to get along. Instead delve deeply into the issue(s) in your relationship and find out what’s at the heart of the problem. Only then can you and your partner truly try harder and succeed at happily staying together.

From the Heart,