Comments on: Relationship Patterns: how the past still runs you

By: Love Coach Rinatta

Love Coach Rinatta — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 18:46:20 +0000

Hi Shannon, thanks for your question. Please go to my Q&A website to ask your question.

By: shannon

shannon — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 18:14:28 +0000

I have reapeated patternswith relationship with men, with abusivness, abandoment, and unvailability. Not good and I don’ t know exactly how to fix that ! I would love to know and apply it to my life

By: Ivan Williams

Ivan Williams — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 02:18:21 +0000

Good article. It’s definitely possible that our relationships are based on what we see with our parents as we are growing up. But it doesn’t have to run or ruin your life. My parents started out great but grew apart as we grew older. I realized that they drifted apart because they didn’t communicate with each other. So now I make sure that even though my partner and I are busy with our own lives, we still talk and spend as much time together as we can.

By: Brian Yang

Brian Yang — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 05:03:25 +0000

I’d have to disagree. I think depending on how conscious you are of your ego and emotions, you can learn from these experiences.

For instance, if your parents had a difficult relationship, you can learn from it and have more successful relationships.

By: m.r. merris

m.r. merris — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 17:51:34 +0000

the dance to fill the gaping wound in our left side. i tried to plug it once with some gray clay and it bled yellow clay mixed with blood. i don’t know what to say, keep trying and maybe you will find love? go to therapy for a better part of 40 years, off and on with nine therapists, get sober and clean for 30 and still screw up? sound funny, depressing and very, very ,very real. love, marriage and finding a publisher is all a crap shot from hell and the gods or God must grant you grace. go to the nearest 12 step meeting an or bar and watch the dance and cry and cry and cry. we all want to be loved for who we are and it is one of the hardest things to do. the only thing i have left to say is to pray for the grace to realize the freebie when/if it comes. in the mean time listen to the wind and be kind to all. . . it makes you feel better.
m.r. merris

By: Moana

Moana — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 18:52:02 +0000

How does it work if you were orphaned at 18 months and raised by an Uncle who packed you off to boarding school? I’ve had therapy and I’ve had some good and some bad relationships. I don’t have a fear of abandonment and I kinda like my life the way it is. Analyse that

By: Mary W. Hopkins, Ed.D.,LPCI

Mary W. Hopkins, Ed.D.,LPCI — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 11:50:49 +0000

I agree that it is more complicated. I think what actually happens is that we marry or choose partners who have key characteristics similar to the parent we had the most trouble with as children. That may or may not be the parent of the opposite sex. In any event, if we still have unresolved issues with this parent we may subconsciously choose partners who will permit us a “second chance” at succeeding in a relationship that is, essentially, a surrogate for the failed parental relationship. Unfortunately, unless you bring all of this into awareness, chances are you will simply re-create many of the self-defeating patterns you experienced with your “problem” parent.

By: KT

KT — Mon, 17 May 2010 15:47:52 +0000

While I think you are dead on about how some of our relationship patterns are created, I think there is more to it. Most definitely my partners have mirrored what I perceived my father to be. However, through therapy, I see that i chose people that treated me the way I was used to being treated…by my mom. My parents were divorced, but my dad was still in my life. My mom was, for lack of a better word, a shitty parent. When I moved out of the house and met my now ex-husband I tolerated all kinds of poor treatment from him because it was what I was accustomed to at home. According to my therapist we pick people that mimic what we knew in childhood as an unconcious attempt to finish up old childhood issues. I was apparently trying to resolve the issues I had with my mom through my relationship with my husband. But I can also totally see how he also was very much like my dad in many other ways. I think you are completely right. I just feel that it’s much more complicated than what you said.

By: Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 20:06:38 +0000

The biggest pattern I come across is the pattern of poor communication skills. E.g When David speaks to Sarah, Sarah will react to her translation of Davids words.
Sarah has years of experiences that can distort, generalise, and delete the original intention behind Davids words.
Sarah is now making David responsible for her translation of his words.
David is now likely to defend his original intention and now a disagreement is likely.
Discover the intention before you react and the ride will be a smoother one.
.-= Stephen Hedger´s last blog ..The golden rule for a successful relationship? =-.

By: Danielle

Danielle — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 16:14:26 +0000

I have realized this over the past year or so. I seem to be getting worse the older I get. I guess it is because I never realized it before and therefore never worked on fixing it. After 39 years, it is a hard patter to change and I keep thinking that I will be alone forever because of it. Or just in one bad relationship after another. Because of me! .-= Danielle´s last blog ..Santa, I have been a good little girl. =-.