Comments on: Relationship Patterns: how the past still runs you

By: m.r. merris

m.r. merris — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 17:51:34 +0000

the dance to fill the gaping wound in our left side. i tried to plug it once with some gray clay and it bled yellow clay mixed with blood. i don’t know what to say, keep trying and maybe you will find love? go to therapy for a better part of 40 years, off and on with nine therapists, get sober and clean for 30 and still screw up? sound funny, depressing and very, very ,very real. love, marriage and finding a publisher is all a crap shot from hell and the gods or God must grant you grace. go to the nearest 12 step meeting an or bar and watch the dance and cry and cry and cry. we all want to be loved for who we are and it is one of the hardest things to do. the only thing i have left to say is to pray for the grace to realize the freebie when/if it comes. in the mean time listen to the wind and be kind to all. . . it makes you feel better.
m.r. merris

By: Moana

Moana — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 18:52:02 +0000

How does it work if you were orphaned at 18 months and raised by an Uncle who packed you off to boarding school? I’ve had therapy and I’ve had some good and some bad relationships. I don’t have a fear of abandonment and I kinda like my life the way it is. Analyse that

By: Mary W. Hopkins, Ed.D.,LPCI

Mary W. Hopkins, Ed.D.,LPCI — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 11:50:49 +0000

I agree that it is more complicated. I think what actually happens is that we marry or choose partners who have key characteristics similar to the parent we had the most trouble with as children. That may or may not be the parent of the opposite sex. In any event, if we still have unresolved issues with this parent we may subconsciously choose partners who will permit us a “second chance” at succeeding in a relationship that is, essentially, a surrogate for the failed parental relationship. Unfortunately, unless you bring all of this into awareness, chances are you will simply re-create many of the self-defeating patterns you experienced with your “problem” parent.

By: KT

KT — Mon, 17 May 2010 15:47:52 +0000

While I think you are dead on about how some of our relationship patterns are created, I think there is more to it. Most definitely my partners have mirrored what I perceived my father to be. However, through therapy, I see that i chose people that treated me the way I was used to being treated…by my mom. My parents were divorced, but my dad was still in my life. My mom was, for lack of a better word, a shitty parent. When I moved out of the house and met my now ex-husband I tolerated all kinds of poor treatment from him because it was what I was accustomed to at home. According to my therapist we pick people that mimic what we knew in childhood as an unconcious attempt to finish up old childhood issues. I was apparently trying to resolve the issues I had with my mom through my relationship with my husband. But I can also totally see how he also was very much like my dad in many other ways. I think you are completely right. I just feel that it’s much more complicated than what you said.

By: Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 20:06:38 +0000

The biggest pattern I come across is the pattern of poor communication skills. E.g When David speaks to Sarah, Sarah will react to her translation of Davids words.
Sarah has years of experiences that can distort, generalise, and delete the original intention behind Davids words.
Sarah is now making David responsible for her translation of his words.
David is now likely to defend his original intention and now a disagreement is likely.
Discover the intention before you react and the ride will be a smoother one.
Stephen Hedger´s last blog ..The golden rule for a successful relationship?

By: Danielle

Danielle — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 16:14:26 +0000

I have realized this over the past year or so. I seem to be getting worse the older I get. I guess it is because I never realized it before and therefore never worked on fixing it.
After 39 years, it is a hard patter to change and I keep thinking that I will be alone forever because of it. Or just in one bad relationship after another. Because of me!
Danielle´s last blog ..Santa, I have been a good little girl.

By: Love Coach Rinatta

Love Coach Rinatta — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 16:53:28 +0000

Single Mom Seeking, you are lucky in that therapy helped in the process of changing your relationship pattern. I suspect it was more introspection and perhaps your positive spirit that simply refused to settle for bad relationships. For many people out there, lifetime relationship patterns never change and therapy does not help.

This is frustrating for me to watch, as I know that what you have now – a really great relationship! – is available to everyone for the price of delving into personal transformation.

I am so very happy for you Rachel, because you are happy!

By: Single Mom Seeking

Single Mom Seeking — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 04:37:33 +0000

Well, I don’t know how in the world I missed your very insightful comment on my current post. Thank you. I thought of you all the way through it….

I’ve been in a similar relationship pattern for most of my life: expecting disappointment, not trusting that I will be loved, you name it.

Thanks to therapy — and a whole lot of self-introspection — I feel like I’m truly growing out of this. It’s incredible.
Single Mom Seeking´s last blog ..Remind yourself that everything will work out

By: Momof2girls

Momof2girls — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 18:54:59 +0000

It’s obvious that we learn by repeating and observation. That’s how we learn to talk, read, and do lots of other things. Same goes for relationships. However, as concious and intelligent human beings, we can control how we apply our knowledge and develop new skills and patterns. We aren’t doomed to repeat our parents’ failures. Instead, we are empowered to make our own mistakes and learn from them.

By: Coachdad

Coachdad — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 04:43:01 +0000

Been married and divorced twice. Trying so hard not to fall into the same patterns I had in those relationships this time. Like, shutting down whenever adversity hits.
Coachdad´s last blog ..Tough to admit