Comments on: Dating Red Flags Now, Relationship Problems Later

By: poonam mishra

poonam mishra — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 10:35:50 +0000

Hi:
This is Poonam this side. I have been dating a boy from last two years and willing to marry him. I really love him. But the prolem is am really not able to figure it our whether he loves me or not. Whether he is interested in marrying me or. Several times i told him to take me to him home. I want to meet his parents and he didnt. Sometimes he behaved so rudely that he does not know me. He seldom receives my call however for sometimes he comes to me. when he stay with me he looks very mice and caring. but somehow i am feeling that somthing is wrong. when i said i want to marry him he told he would ask his parents and let me know shortly. I really dont know what to do. Its really hard for me to depart from him and he is not changing his lifestyle. Please help. I am already 29 and want to settle my life.

By: Lorr

Lorr — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 23:16:58 +0000

I have been dating someone for two years - and recently found out he is on facebook - I accidentally saw his facebook page to be shocked to find out it is full of women - I have no idea who these women are he says “friends”. Although we have been together for two years I have never heard any of their names mentioned nor have I met any of them. I of course got upset about it only to hear him say I am just too jealous and dont I have any male friends. He refused to show me the rest of the 57 other people on his facebook. Also for the past two years I have I supposed stupidly been staying at his place run to my place to get my stuff go back to his and sort of “play” living together without him ever asking me to officially move in - I suppose on my part I have been wrong too not to bring up the conversation of “do you really want me to live here or not” I was afraid I would sound too pushy. As things had been going smoothly as were but not exactly easy on me. The other thing is when we go to parties if I want to leave ealy lets say 12:30 or so not so early for me he always wants to stay and keep drinking with friends and I end up going home alone. I feel stupid to say but I am in my early 40’s and he is 37 so we are not kids. I just dont know at this point if I am being overly sensitive or is it normal to have these things make me feel bad - I feel like my self esteem is being crushed - he is not mean to me in any other way. Just at a point that I dont know whether I am being too sensitive any advice? Kind of confused about the facebook thing dont trust alot of these on line social networks - although I am writing this confidentially for advice/ Thanks!

By: Becca

Becca — Fri, 20 Jul 2007 14:10:09 +0000

A few months ago I left a relationship I was in for 26 years. We owned a house together for the last 12 years, and in the last 3 of those years we had been living seperately in the house and going out with other people. This relationship, for the most part, had been extremely verbally abusive. It took me a long time to even visualize myself walking out the door. As miserable as it was, it was still “safe”. I now have my own house. I’m also in a relationship with a guy who only wants to make me happy. He doesn’t have to say he loves me (which he has), his actions show it all the time. My problem is that I don’t think I’m in love with him. We get along great and haven’t had an argument in the one year we’ve been dating since we “can talk and be honest with each other”. I’m 60, so maybe what I need is more of a companion than a lover. Neither one of us want to live together or get married at this stage of our lives, which I totally agree with. He’s extremely over weight, has diabetes and a hearing problem–all those things bother me since it stops him from doing lots of things I like to do, like dancing, walking, traveling. He totally understands if I do these things alone and is not at all “threatened”. I just have to “learn” how to do these things without a partner. He’s totally loving and puts me first, he’s very supportive, and always there for me. What do I do? It’s so good in one way, and not so good the other way. I know that no relationship is going to give me all I want, and I’ve weighed both sides of the situation. So far I’ve decided to stay, but I’m not sure. It’s so hard to find such a good man. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks in advance.

By: Leah

Leah — Sat, 12 May 2007 12:40:34 +0000

I have been dating a guy in the military. He is in Iraq. I am confused on whether I should wait or move on. Before he left I had decided to wait for him. As time goes by I wonder If I made the right choice. He does not show any signs of affection (most of the time). I send cards and letters there but he has not sent me anything back. All he does is respond by emsils and IM’s. We communicate mostly online. Sometimes he calls. Whe he needs things, I send them because I am trying to understand what he is going through over there. He seems to have control issues. He says that the man is suppose to run the household. I just want to know where do I go from here? Should I accept that he is who is because of his profession or am I making excuses for him? I just want to feel like there is a purpose for me waiting and not a waist of my time. I’m confused at times. I express myself to him and he responds “yeah right”.

By: Christy

Christy — Thu, 01 Feb 2007 12:48:56 +0000

Hi. I am really in the need of some advice right now. I just got married in December. Before we got married, I had noticed that my fiance was receiving emails from girls on dating websites. These emails also made up about 80% of the ones he was reading. It didn’t bother me so bad then because I figured this was something that he had started before he found me. Time went by & I began to notice that he was still reading these emails. I confronted him about it a couple of times & he would always come up with excuses & say that he didn’t know how he even got on the websites, and that he didn’t know how to be taken off the websites, etc. I asked him to just stop reading the emails and trusted that he would. Like I said, we were married in December & I recently discovered that he is still reading these emails. My feelings are badly hurt. I am having really bad self-esteem issues right now anyway because I just had a baby & gained a significant amount of weight. To me it feels like he is happy in our relationship but he is checking the emails in the thoughts that maybe one day he will find someone better. Please let me know what your thoughts are on this. Thanks.

By: kaylee

kaylee — Fri, 22 Dec 2006 22:52:50 +0000

hi, i am 20 years old and my boyfriend is 34 years old. we have been together for 5 1/2 years…but we’ve been living together for almost 4 years. we have been living in a house that we have been remodeling for only the first year we have been living there. after that we just stop remodeling the house, becuase we keep on fighting. our fights consist of little and big things that happened in the past. we can never just sit down and talk to each other about the way we feel about each other…all our conversations dealing with this relationship always ends up in a huge fight where were calling each other names just to hurt each other.

i am the first girlfriend to ever meet all of his family. they seem to really like. but there is one problem. he told me to lie about my age…so everytime someone in his family would ask me how old i really am i tell them i was 20. i was 20 for 5 years and i am sick and tired of lieing to them. now that i am really 20 i want to tell them the truth. my family knows his real age. i never lied to them.

in the past he went to school for three months in minneappoles to become an airtraffic controller. while he was at school i stayed back home in hawaii…i had found out that he met a girl in the bar there, through his voice mail box. i went to visit him at school to confront him. he lied about everything, saying that he doesnt know what i was talking about. well we got back to hawaii after his graduation, we both spent one month remodeling his parents house. then he got a call from airtraffic poeple saying that he got a job at denver center in colorado. we both moved there and i was still confronting him about that girl he met a t the bar. it took him almost 2 years to tell me the truth about that girl….he told me that he never slept with her, but i dont believe him. after that i could never trust him ever agian. he is also in the military so he would have to do his drills once a year in hawaii. there was one year where he came back and i found condoms in his bag. i confronted him about that too. he said he wanted to fool around behind my back but he didnt, he was thinking about it. but i still think he did, that made me hate him for a while.
last year 2005 his father past away. so we went back to hawaii for the funeral. at that point i told him that i never wanted to continue this relationship if he knows that he doesnt want to marry me in the furture or just never wanted to be with me at all. he had over a week to think about it before we went back to colorado. whether or not i should stay in hawaii or go back. so, he told me to come back to colorado.

on october, 2006 i found out that i was 18 weeks pregnant, i told him that i wanted to keep the baby; but he never wanted to. he got mad so i gave in and went through the procedure just so that i can prove to him that i wasnt trying to piss him off by keeping the baby. that was the biggest mistake i ever had in my life and i will never go through that agian.

i needed to get away…so i went back home to honolulu for one month by my self. i spent the days there thinking, whether or not i should go back to colorado. we barely spoke to each other while i was there. i realized that i have nothing to prove to him anymore and that if he never wanted to be with me so be it. i called him one day telling him that i have nothing to prove to him and that i never wanted to try this relationship anymore, becuase he never did try working this relationship out with me in the past. he said i was stupid and that he didnt understand me. well i came back to colorado and it hasnt even been a month since i came back and i want to go back to hawaii….i feel like running away from all of this.

he is a very stobborn person, who doesnt care about what poeple think. very opinionated about other poeples lives and how they look. very money greedy. and he never opens up and tells me the way he really feels about me. over half of the time that i need to say something to him about our relationship he sits in front of the tv and ignores what i have to say.

the problem is that, my heart tells me to stay and work it out with him and not to give up on him. and my brain tells me to leave and and have fun and enjoy my young life and party it up in hawaii. i dont know what to do anymore. his family told methat he was always like that, he never tells what his true feelings are and says whaterever he wants when he wants to talk adn half the time you dont even know if its the truth or if its just a lie. i just dont know anymore….i feel like im going crazy or something.

By: Rachael

Rachael — Wed, 06 Dec 2006 20:02:44 +0000

I was reading your advice on red flags in relationships. I am already in a relationship and have let those red flags go unhindered until now. I know I cannot live with these habits and that these thing are tearing us apart as lovers and as friends. I have opened up with my partner and explained my feelings and asked for change. My partner agreed to what I thought and to changing. However, 3 attempts later, still no change. I’m not ready to give up but I can’t live like this much longer. What should I do?

By: Love Coach Rinatta Paries

Love Coach Rinatta Paries — Sun, 02 Jul 2006 22:30:15 +0000

Tammy
a month is not a very long time to date, so I would not worry about not yet meeting his parents and because of that, not seeing where he lives. On the other hand, forgetting your birthday in the first month of dating is a very big deal. Watch for other signs of self-preoccupation and self-centeredness for him.

By: Tammy

Tammy — Sun, 02 Jul 2006 17:17:03 +0000

I have a question and I really need a opinion. I am seeing this really wonderful, sweet man. There are a few red flags which I am trying to deal with. First off….I hae been seing him for a month now and we see each other as we can around our work and personal lifes. I have welcomed him in to my life with open arms. I have not yet been invited into his. He is 40 yrs old and has been living at home with his parents since he was divorced. They are older so they do rely on him to help them. He also has a re model he is working on with a home he owns but is re doing. I have not yet been invited to see that either. He says it is because he wants me to se it finished and not how it looks now. My birthday was yesterday and he forgot. I reminded him in the afternoon time…and he felt terribly bad and I smiled so that he would not feel worse. Still no card. The other part is I would never ask him to meet his parents but the fact is he chooses to live at home. So how long is to long..in that..how long do I wait to be asked into his personal life? What is a cut off in him not asking me. I know he is not married.

By: Buttons

Buttons — Tue, 27 Jun 2006 17:41:51 +0000

A lot of the comments or stories I’m reading seem to be from people who aren’t sure if they’re wating too much, getting too little or wondering if they can change the other person. I was in an 11 year marriage with a Narciccist (my Ex has Narciccistic Personality Disorder). He was (is) a manipulative user who only responded emotionally/physically/financially when it benefitted him to do so. He was also abusive in the same areas. When I started going to counseling, I learned one very important word: BOUNDARIES. I didn’t know what they were; I didn’t know what MINE were or that I had the right to have them or excercise them. Learn your boundaries people! What are you willing to accept and what are you just not able to put up with?

It’s been a long road for me and I still have a way to go. My problem now is that, EVERYTHING is a red flag. I am seeing a wonderful and painfully patient man. But any little thing that strikes me slightly off sends me into defense mode until I can reason and sort things out in my mind. I wonder if I should worry about certain things he does or says. But it’s really just me being hard on him, on myself and letting the conditions of the last relationship affect my perspective. I’m working on it.

My point, however, is that it’s up to ME to enforce my boundaries; to say “this bothers me” or “this is unacceptable” or “this makes me uncomfortable”. It’s up to you respect yourself enough to reject violations to your boundaries. I strongly suggest counseling for everyone…even ‘healthy people’. we perform maintenance on our cars, but not on ourselves!