Dating Red Flags Now, Relationship Problems Later
You know what a red flag is, right? That’s a trait or a behavior in a person you are newly dating that indicates that not all is right with his/her ability to have a happy, long-lasting relationship with you.
Many singles ignore red flags in hopes that the problems and issues, whatever they are, will go away once the relationship grows and the two people fall in love.
This is partially correct. Issues and red flags do get better in the initial stages of a relationship. People take better care of themselves and their lives. They clean their house where there was once a mess. They use deodorant where once there was none. They get a job or pay the bills on time or get happier and more productive.
And yet, even if a red flag issue or behavior disappears for a time, it is bound to reappear at some point down the road, deep into the relationship and the stress of life. If it’s a red flag for you now, imagine how it will feel when you wake up one day, long into a relationship, and have this same issue or problem rear its ugly head.
Ok, so is the answer to only date perfect people who don’t have any "red flag issues"? No, because there are no perfect people and everyone has issues.
The question is, if all of the red flags remained unchanged, exactly as they are now, would you choose this person? If the person remained a slob, or was not generous, or did not give you enough attention, or didn’t work, or had intimacy problems, would you choose this person?
Choosing a relationship partner is choosing a companion, and hopefully a good one, with whom you will share love and life. But it is also choosing which red flag quirks and issues you are willing to live with.
If you choose a person but don’t choose or accept his quirks and issues, you will have a major problem down the road. The seemingly minor quirk or issue will eventually drive a wedge between the two of you that may end your relationship.
If the love of your life can’t keep a job, or has trouble staying close emotionally, or mismanages money, or can’t keep promises, or isn’t interested in physical intimacy, or is a slob, or etc, etc, can you live with it? Be honest in your answer, because small issues have the potential of destroying a relationship down the road.
What’s a single person to do? Discover the quirks and issues in the person you are dating, and then decide whether you can live with what you see.
This is not always easy to do when first dating someone. In fact, most people find it impossible to discern a whole lot about a person they are dating, save for the fact that they either like or dislike the person.
You will want to learn to read people like a pro because, again, if you get involved with someone and overlook the red flags, your relationship will be plagued with problems down the road.
Dealing with red flags in the beginning of the relationship and making a decision about them really reduces problems later in your relationship, so get to know your dating partner’s red flags as soon as possible.
This is where my Whom Are You Dating eCourse comes to your rescue – this is what it was created for. It will teach you to read people like a pro. You will learn how to truly see whom you are dating and find out if this person is compatible with and right for you. You will figure out which red flags you can live with and which ones are an absolute deal breaker.
Note for people already in a relationship: If you are dating someone whom you want to keep and he or she does have issues or quirks you know you can’t live with, you do have one other option to salvage the relationship. You can ask the person to change. To learn how to ask for change effectively is not an easy task, but I can teach you how. Drop me a note, and we can talk about how I can help.
From the Heart,
on October 15, 2005 @ 1:13 pm
Well, you’ve just been doing a nice job helping people fix their love life. Here is my question. There is this friend of mine whom I really have this kind of great passion and true love for. Obviously, she’s aware and conscious of my feelings for her as evident on the impression and behaviours I portray before her, besides the fact that I’ve verbally, emotionally and behaviourally made it known to her. But my problem is that she kept on giving me this mixed attitude of which I cannot discern if she actually has that love for me and trying to play “Hard to get” as to keep my interest burning or that she doesn’t and just wanted to keep me as a friend because of some qualities or personalities she evisages in me. Previously, I’ve approached her on the issue of us upgrading our friendship to the intimate (platonic)level but she declined, hitting the nail on the head in her argument that we cannot be life partners with the assumption that she’s older than myself, which will not guarantee her respect for me. But my attempts out of anger and dissapointments from her to just end the whole friendship in some occasions of her treating me with indifference and contempt were not successful, as at some stage of the break/distancing she would appear to be feeling it and start putting up some slight acts suggesting interest. I am bored with her, just that i can’t help loving her. Is she just keeping me as the last resort (spare tyre) while she searches for the kind of man she desires or is she really trying to veil her love for me as to keep mine burning? I am confused. Please, explain to me, and advise me on how to handle her and win her love intimately.
Thanks for da help.
on October 15, 2005 @ 7:44 pm
Did you ask her if she’s searching for something else or playing the veil game?
And if she is, do you really want to pursue a relationship where you’re not sure what her agenda is or with someone who treats you with contempt?
The bottom line is that you deserve a relationship someone who gets you and thinks you rock and with whom you can communicate. She might not be the one.
on October 17, 2005 @ 6:58 am
Nna, she is probably using you to make herself feel good – getting her attention needs met. In general when people want a relationship they do not play this hard to get. The trick for you will be to stay way even when she shows slight interest in you romantically, because you know once you start coming back around she will no longer be interested once again.
on October 17, 2005 @ 10:38 am
I would say she likes you as a friend, but she is probably not even capable of being a very good friend from the sound of it. time to work on yourself so that you can grieve this relaitonship and move on, before you get entrenched in bitterness with her. Men often think that a woman is playing hard to get because that is what they have been told that we do. In fact, we are no more capable of it well than you men are. The biology my be different regarding egg behavior and sperm behavior, but i as a woman am not an egg, and you are not a sperm. thank you very much. =) I dont blame you for being confused. people are confusing. life is confusing. just keep swimming but not towards that egg. =D
on October 18, 2005 @ 7:26 am
Nne, I can understand your frustration. I, too, am getting “mixed messages” from a man I’ve been dating for 4 months now. For instance, last I was with him, we were discussing my new, part-time job (a 2nd job), and he said that it would be nice if I could arrange my hours so that I work the same nights as he. In other words, our schedules will “jive”. This conversation took place five days ago…I haven’t received any communication from him since. I called him two days ago, leaving a “just to say hello” message in his voicemail. I’ve yet to hear back from him. And this is not the first time this days-upon-days of no communication from him has happened. (And yes, I brought up my concerns the first time it happened, about 2 months ago, yet here we are, again.) I am feeling hurt and confused, as I care for this man, and thought we had a good “thing” going.
Nne, there are a lot of folks out there who come out and dip their toes in the water, but fear overwhelms them, and so they retreat. Fear that they are not worthy of love, or fear that they will get swallowed up by it! And so, what do we do? Leave them be, but keep the door open to them? I have a hard time with this. Am I practicing unconditional love, or am I posing as a doormat????
on October 18, 2005 @ 7:59 am
Leslie
It’s hard to be in a relationship with a person who seems not to want you. Many people in such relationships start to wonder what’s wrong with them and start to feel just like you - frustrated, hurt, confused. The thing to understand is that if the person you are dating doesn’t want you as much as you want to be wanted, reaching out to him or her to remind him/her of you will not make you feel better.
Do you know what I mean? You gave him a call as if to remind him you are still there, still in a relationship with him. As if it is possible to forget you or your relationship. I am sure that only made you feel bad and lowered your self esteem.
Nor would I practice unconditional love, because that is inappropriate in a romantic relationship, but is only for a parent/child relationship.
What you want to practice is self-love. What would you do in your relationship if you treasured and loved yourself?
Do you want help with how to conduct yourself with self-love in your relationship? I can help – drop me a note and we will set up a time to talk.
on October 18, 2005 @ 10:38 am
Thanks for your feedback, Rita. I have been a fan of yours for a couple of years now, and I enrolled in one of your classes about two years back. The class was of great help to me. In fact, in regards to this current issue I’m having with my mixed-messaging “friend”, I am practicing something I learned from your class: The idea of pulling back and not making myself so available to him. Yes, I recognize that I have indeed made myself “too available” (Call anytime, come over anytime!).
Funny, now that I think of it: The last time we got together he said, “Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule for me.” This was inappropriate, as my schedule has not been busy (but it soon will be, as I start my 2nd job this week). I thought maybe that he was signaling that he’s worried that I’ll soon be too busy to spend time with him, and so in reply I said, “no matter how busy I get, you will always be a priority.” To this he said, “Ahh, that’s nice!”
Well, I have no plans to call him again - my last call was nothing out of the norm, as we usually talk every other day or so. But it’s been five days now since he’s made any attempt to contact me (not so normal). Yes, I am hurt, confused and my esteem is not so high right now (perhaps his self-esteem isn’t so high, either?), but I know that everything will work out as it’s meant to be. I do care for him, but I love me…
on October 20, 2005 @ 12:05 am
I am not really certain to what extent I will feel with regards with my relationship. At this point, there is no reason to commit deeply. However, there are instances when I think that my life will be complete with her. It is just hard to rush things and end up alone.
on October 20, 2005 @ 12:38 am
You will tell by the time that i am deeply troubled with my relationship. My man is in a band and I am a nanny . . . talk about different lifestyles. For a long time now, we have been living together and I pay for about 75% of the financial responsibilities, sometimes leaving no spend $ for myself. I have been pleading with him to do more romantic things like dinner, vacation, or a simple gesture other than just being home early enough to physically lay beside me. He claims that these things aren’t possible without money and he gets defensive. He says that once he’s successful things will change. My questions to anyone who has sound advice: Am I asking too much? How long do I wait for things to change?
on October 27, 2005 @ 10:47 am
Hi,
I have started a romantic affair with my nextdoor neighbor. We both are very fond of eachother. We were friends a couple of months before we started kissing. Now we are getting close to having sex. I am completely love sick. I was so confident, but now that I have feelings for her, I feel insecure. I know her and I would have a great relationship. How could I get past this insecure feeling and let this relationship flourish?
on November 8, 2005 @ 12:11 pm
I have been dating a man for the past 4 months. We are both in our mid 40’s and he has never been married, I am divorced with three school age children. He calls me at least 4 times a day, yet won’t commit to even an exclusive relationship. It hurts me because a few nights he doesn’t call signals to me that he is likely on a date. When he calls on the phone, he is much more intimate, and affectionate than in person. he also makes comments as if we have a future, yet again, he will not commit. I continue to casually date others, but I am afraid I am falling for this man and am going to get burned.
on November 8, 2005 @ 1:28 pm
Susan
You are headed for a heartbreak and you know it!
I wish I could reach through the computer and pull you back from the cliff you are headed down.
I know this will sound like a sales pitch, but it is not. I genuinely belive that you need to read one of my eCourses, ASAP, before you loose yourself. I think it might save you, where nothing else will. The ecourse is called How Not to Blow It in a New Relationship.
I very much hope you do this for yourself, your heart and your sanity.
on November 10, 2005 @ 2:35 pm
Rinatta,
Hello. I have been dating a guy for a year (we first met as teenagers), now we are both mid-40’s. It is a rocky road, he says he loves me, yet goes out on the town alone without me and gets absolutely smashed. I’ve been out a few times with him, but we then end up fighting (ie. he txt’s me later and I used to go). Now I don’t go, I guess to avoid a fight (as he tends to goggle eye any other blonde in the pub). We’ve been on again off again the whole time, like he can’t commit. When he is with me (sober) it’s great, but then these times of going out make me wonder who he is really out with. Last night I called him on his mobile and there was no answer until 1130pm (in my mind, long enough to have spent the night chatting and being out with someone else), only when she is alone he txt’s me - “I’m at the pub, why not come and join me (be ready to dance)”. When I ask him to functions with friends, he doesn’t commit, saying he’s not sure when he’ll be free (I suggest he could make a decision on that one!), but he sees this txt’g as something he can say later ‘I invited you out and you didn’t come’… but I see it that everyone else’s gone home, and I’m pissed and don’t want to be alone! What do you think? He says he loves me, but there is this, and also if I am about to meet a ‘friend’ he fights with me days before saying I am jealous and that he’s not going to intro me to friends ever again - he is trying to control me? Lesley
on March 7, 2006 @ 3:44 pm
I have written to your site over 2 months ago. Do I watch for a response in my email or on this site.
Please advise me. awaiting response to my last question from this site. Thank you, Emilie
on March 21, 2006 @ 9:57 am
Emilie, I am sorry, you will need to remind me of your question or request, as I don’t know where or what you wrote me about. I get a number of different email from people:
· people comments on my blog, like you did here – sometimes I reply, but more often I just read the comments as it seems a reply is not necessary in most cases
· people also ask me love questions on my question and answer blog, at http://www.asklovecoach.com. I do answer these questions, but of coarse only a few at a time, as I could not possibly answer all of the questions I get
· People email me for coaching, and as they want to become customers and I am in business as a coach, I answer them first.
So, what was your request or question? What can I do for you?
on June 8, 2006 @ 11:57 am
I just recently started dating a girl, this is the first relationship for the both of us, i am 23 and she is 19. However there is something that seems very strange to me since this started, mainly that there are times when you wouldnt even suspect that there was any kind of a relationship between us. there are some times when she wont even acknowledge the fact that i am there. we both work at the same youth camp, she will walk into a room and talk to everybody else and ignore me, i will be sitting down and she will act like im not there, walk across the room and sit next to one of her other friends and not even say hi. Im not clingy, i recognize the fact that i have my own life and she has hers, but sometimes she will go a whole day without acknowledging me, including even a simple good morning or goodnight at the beggining and end of the day. bassically she says she wants me to be a more important part of her life, but her actions dont indicate that, she hardly ever makes any effort to talk to me, all of her friends seem to be more important, including some other guys. Im not asking much even a simple good morning would do as a way of showing me that i am an important person to her. I have to fight to get a goodbye, or goodnight, or even an acknowledgment of my existence, and it usually sounds less than enthusiastic. should this be considered a red flag, or is this something that with the growing of our relationship would dissapear with time. Also what could possibly be the cause of such behavior especially since at time she claims to really care about me, its just that her actions dont always indicate that.
on June 17, 2006 @ 4:58 pm
Speaking of red flag
I knew it was time to leave when I tried to wipe off the ice cream he had spilled on his stomach and I didn’t realize how cold the towel was and he screamed STOP!!! and then pushed my hand. Yikes! never mind he has been sweet and loving any other time .. it was just too much to think of when he would ’snap’ … people, use that 6th sense, hell, common sense, it works 
on June 27, 2006 @ 10:41 am
A lot of the comments or stories I’m reading seem to be from people who aren’t sure if they’re wating too much, getting too little or wondering if they can change the other person. I was in an 11 year marriage with a Narciccist (my Ex has Narciccistic Personality Disorder). He was (is) a manipulative user who only responded emotionally/physically/financially when it benefitted him to do so. He was also abusive in the same areas. When I started going to counseling, I learned one very important word: BOUNDARIES. I didn’t know what they were; I didn’t know what MINE were or that I had the right to have them or excercise them. Learn your boundaries people! What are you willing to accept and what are you just not able to put up with?
It’s been a long road for me and I still have a way to go. My problem now is that, EVERYTHING is a red flag. I am seeing a wonderful and painfully patient man. But any little thing that strikes me slightly off sends me into defense mode until I can reason and sort things out in my mind. I wonder if I should worry about certain things he does or says. But it’s really just me being hard on him, on myself and letting the conditions of the last relationship affect my perspective. I’m working on it.
My point, however, is that it’s up to ME to enforce my boundaries; to say “this bothers me” or “this is unacceptable” or “this makes me uncomfortable”. It’s up to you respect yourself enough to reject violations to your boundaries. I strongly suggest counseling for everyone…even ‘healthy people’. we perform maintenance on our cars, but not on ourselves!
on July 2, 2006 @ 10:17 am
I have a question and I really need a opinion. I am seeing this really wonderful, sweet man. There are a few red flags which I am trying to deal with. First off….I hae been seing him for a month now and we see each other as we can around our work and personal lifes. I have welcomed him in to my life with open arms. I have not yet been invited into his. He is 40 yrs old and has been living at home with his parents since he was divorced. They are older so they do rely on him to help them. He also has a re model he is working on with a home he owns but is re doing. I have not yet been invited to see that either. He says it is because he wants me to se it finished and not how it looks now. My birthday was yesterday and he forgot. I reminded him in the afternoon time…and he felt terribly bad and I smiled so that he would not feel worse. Still no card. The other part is I would never ask him to meet his parents but the fact is he chooses to live at home. So how long is to long..in that..how long do I wait to be asked into his personal life? What is a cut off in him not asking me. I know he is not married.
on July 2, 2006 @ 3:30 pm
Tammy
a month is not a very long time to date, so I would not worry about not yet meeting his parents and because of that, not seeing where he lives. On the other hand, forgetting your birthday in the first month of dating is a very big deal. Watch for other signs of self-preoccupation and self-centeredness for him.
on December 6, 2006 @ 1:02 pm
I was reading your advice on red flags in relationships. I am already in a relationship and have let those red flags go unhindered until now. I know I cannot live with these habits and that these thing are tearing us apart as lovers and as friends. I have opened up with my partner and explained my feelings and asked for change. My partner agreed to what I thought and to changing. However, 3 attempts later, still no change. I’m not ready to give up but I can’t live like this much longer. What should I do?
on December 22, 2006 @ 3:52 pm
hi, i am 20 years old and my boyfriend is 34 years old. we have been together for 5 1/2 years…but we’ve been living together for almost 4 years. we have been living in a house that we have been remodeling for only the first year we have been living there. after that we just stop remodeling the house, becuase we keep on fighting. our fights consist of little and big things that happened in the past. we can never just sit down and talk to each other about the way we feel about each other…all our conversations dealing with this relationship always ends up in a huge fight where were calling each other names just to hurt each other.
i am the first girlfriend to ever meet all of his family. they seem to really like. but there is one problem. he told me to lie about my age…so everytime someone in his family would ask me how old i really am i tell them i was 20. i was 20 for 5 years and i am sick and tired of lieing to them. now that i am really 20 i want to tell them the truth. my family knows his real age. i never lied to them.
in the past he went to school for three months in minneappoles to become an airtraffic controller. while he was at school i stayed back home in hawaii…i had found out that he met a girl in the bar there, through his voice mail box. i went to visit him at school to confront him. he lied about everything, saying that he doesnt know what i was talking about. well we got back to hawaii after his graduation, we both spent one month remodeling his parents house. then he got a call from airtraffic poeple saying that he got a job at denver center in colorado. we both moved there and i was still confronting him about that girl he met a t the bar. it took him almost 2 years to tell me the truth about that girl….he told me that he never slept with her, but i dont believe him. after that i could never trust him ever agian. he is also in the military so he would have to do his drills once a year in hawaii. there was one year where he came back and i found condoms in his bag. i confronted him about that too. he said he wanted to fool around behind my back but he didnt, he was thinking about it. but i still think he did, that made me hate him for a while.
last year 2005 his father past away. so we went back to hawaii for the funeral. at that point i told him that i never wanted to continue this relationship if he knows that he doesnt want to marry me in the furture or just never wanted to be with me at all. he had over a week to think about it before we went back to colorado. whether or not i should stay in hawaii or go back. so, he told me to come back to colorado.
on october, 2006 i found out that i was 18 weeks pregnant, i told him that i wanted to keep the baby; but he never wanted to. he got mad so i gave in and went through the procedure just so that i can prove to him that i wasnt trying to piss him off by keeping the baby. that was the biggest mistake i ever had in my life and i will never go through that agian.
i needed to get away…so i went back home to honolulu for one month by my self. i spent the days there thinking, whether or not i should go back to colorado. we barely spoke to each other while i was there. i realized that i have nothing to prove to him anymore and that if he never wanted to be with me so be it. i called him one day telling him that i have nothing to prove to him and that i never wanted to try this relationship anymore, becuase he never did try working this relationship out with me in the past. he said i was stupid and that he didnt understand me. well i came back to colorado and it hasnt even been a month since i came back and i want to go back to hawaii….i feel like running away from all of this.
he is a very stobborn person, who doesnt care about what poeple think. very opinionated about other poeples lives and how they look. very money greedy. and he never opens up and tells me the way he really feels about me. over half of the time that i need to say something to him about our relationship he sits in front of the tv and ignores what i have to say.
the problem is that, my heart tells me to stay and work it out with him and not to give up on him. and my brain tells me to leave and and have fun and enjoy my young life and party it up in hawaii. i dont know what to do anymore. his family told methat he was always like that, he never tells what his true feelings are and says whaterever he wants when he wants to talk adn half the time you dont even know if its the truth or if its just a lie. i just dont know anymore….i feel like im going crazy or something.
on February 1, 2007 @ 5:48 am
Hi. I am really in the need of some advice right now. I just got married in December. Before we got married, I had noticed that my fiance was receiving emails from girls on dating websites. These emails also made up about 80% of the ones he was reading. It didn’t bother me so bad then because I figured this was something that he had started before he found me. Time went by & I began to notice that he was still reading these emails. I confronted him about it a couple of times & he would always come up with excuses & say that he didn’t know how he even got on the websites, and that he didn’t know how to be taken off the websites, etc. I asked him to just stop reading the emails and trusted that he would. Like I said, we were married in December & I recently discovered that he is still reading these emails. My feelings are badly hurt. I am having really bad self-esteem issues right now anyway because I just had a baby & gained a significant amount of weight. To me it feels like he is happy in our relationship but he is checking the emails in the thoughts that maybe one day he will find someone better. Please let me know what your thoughts are on this. Thanks.
on May 12, 2007 @ 5:40 am
I have been dating a guy in the military. He is in Iraq. I am confused on whether I should wait or move on. Before he left I had decided to wait for him. As time goes by I wonder If I made the right choice. He does not show any signs of affection (most of the time). I send cards and letters there but he has not sent me anything back. All he does is respond by emsils and IM’s. We communicate mostly online. Sometimes he calls. Whe he needs things, I send them because I am trying to understand what he is going through over there. He seems to have control issues. He says that the man is suppose to run the household. I just want to know where do I go from here? Should I accept that he is who is because of his profession or am I making excuses for him? I just want to feel like there is a purpose for me waiting and not a waist of my time. I’m confused at times. I express myself to him and he responds “yeah right”.
on July 20, 2007 @ 7:10 am
A few months ago I left a relationship I was in for 26 years. We owned a house together for the last 12 years, and in the last 3 of those years we had been living seperately in the house and going out with other people. This relationship, for the most part, had been extremely verbally abusive. It took me a long time to even visualize myself walking out the door. As miserable as it was, it was still “safe”. I now have my own house. I’m also in a relationship with a guy who only wants to make me happy. He doesn’t have to say he loves me (which he has), his actions show it all the time. My problem is that I don’t think I’m in love with him. We get along great and haven’t had an argument in the one year we’ve been dating since we “can talk and be honest with each other”. I’m 60, so maybe what I need is more of a companion than a lover. Neither one of us want to live together or get married at this stage of our lives, which I totally agree with. He’s extremely over weight, has diabetes and a hearing problem–all those things bother me since it stops him from doing lots of things I like to do, like dancing, walking, traveling. He totally understands if I do these things alone and is not at all “threatened”. I just have to “learn” how to do these things without a partner. He’s totally loving and puts me first, he’s very supportive, and always there for me. What do I do? It’s so good in one way, and not so good the other way. I know that no relationship is going to give me all I want, and I’ve weighed both sides of the situation. So far I’ve decided to stay, but I’m not sure. It’s so hard to find such a good man. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks in advance.
on December 5, 2007 @ 4:16 pm
I have been dating someone for two years - and recently found out he is on facebook - I accidentally saw his facebook page to be shocked to find out it is full of women - I have no idea who these women are he says “friends”. Although we have been together for two years I have never heard any of their names mentioned nor have I met any of them. I of course got upset about it only to hear him say I am just too jealous and dont I have any male friends. He refused to show me the rest of the 57 other people on his facebook. Also for the past two years I have I supposed stupidly been staying at his place run to my place to get my stuff go back to his and sort of “play” living together without him ever asking me to officially move in - I suppose on my part I have been wrong too not to bring up the conversation of “do you really want me to live here or not” I was afraid I would sound too pushy. As things had been going smoothly as were but not exactly easy on me. The other thing is when we go to parties if I want to leave ealy lets say 12:30 or so not so early for me he always wants to stay and keep drinking with friends and I end up going home alone. I feel stupid to say but I am in my early 40’s and he is 37 so we are not kids. I just dont know at this point if I am being overly sensitive or is it normal to have these things make me feel bad - I feel like my self esteem is being crushed - he is not mean to me in any other way. Just at a point that I dont know whether I am being too sensitive any advice? Kind of confused about the facebook thing dont trust alot of these on line social networks - although I am writing this confidentially for advice/ Thanks!
on January 16, 2008 @ 3:35 am
Hi:
This is Poonam this side. I have been dating a boy from last two years and willing to marry him. I really love him. But the prolem is am really not able to figure it our whether he loves me or not. Whether he is interested in marrying me or. Several times i told him to take me to him home. I want to meet his parents and he didnt. Sometimes he behaved so rudely that he does not know me. He seldom receives my call however for sometimes he comes to me. when he stay with me he looks very mice and caring. but somehow i am feeling that somthing is wrong. when i said i want to marry him he told he would ask his parents and let me know shortly. I really dont know what to do. Its really hard for me to depart from him and he is not changing his lifestyle. Please help. I am already 29 and want to settle my life.