Relationship or Marriage in the Dumps? Here’s How to Refresh It!
Is your relationship or marriage gasping for breath? Well, before you leave or stray to find a third person to meet your needs, try these steps to breathe life back into your relationship:
1. Find out which one of you is avoiding love and intimacy, and why
Who spends more time avoiding the other, making excuses for why you spend no time together or picking fights so that there is no time together? If one or both of you do this, you need to find out why.
Talk to each other in an honest, non-argumentative, non-judgmental way to see if you can figure out why you are trying to get away from each other instead of trying to get closer to each other. After all, you got into the relationship to be close, not to be distant.
Closeness will feed your heart and make you happy, while being distant saps your energy. Closeness may feel risky, but being distant will kill the relationship. Choose closeness.
To learn how to have a non-judgmental, non-argumentative conversation with each other get the Increase Intimacy in Your Relationship ecourse.
2. Start planning time together that both of you are obligated to show up for
Yes, planned time together sounds unromantic and unspontaneous. Neither one of you will get the thrill of being swept off your feet. But if your relationship is in the dumps and you are feeling disconnected, planned time together can help you connect and find out what’s been keeping you apart.
When you get closer again and get to liking each other again you can add in spontaneous time together. However, in order to keep your relationship healthy you need to schedule relationship time often – daily or at least three times weekly. Don’t leave the health and happiness of your relationship up to chance – plan it in.
3. Revive passion
Passion and physical intimacy between the two of you not what they used to be? Most people who are in a long-term relationship give up on the relationship being the source of satisfying passion – and that is really a shame. In thriving relationships passion only gets deeper and more expressive over time, instead of getting boring and stale. Wouldn’t it be nice if you had that in your relationship? You can!
Start by talking to each other about why passion is lagging or missing. This is not an easy conversation to have. However, it is easier to have this conversation than to live without passion.
Be sure that you are honest with each other – otherwise there will not be a resolution and nothing will change. Together figure out what needs to happen next. Does someone need to go to the doctor and get a physical to make sure everything is in order? Have someone’s sensual needs changed since you two first got together? Or does someone need to deal with issues that prevent a passionate connection between the two of you? Do what you need to do to put passion back into your relationship – it is an important cornerstone of relationship satisfaction and happiness.
4. Get into the habit of communicating with each other
Relationships where couples communicate thrive, while relationships where couples stay silent disintegrate. But communication does not mean just talking. While talking about the weather and what’s going on with the neighbors or the local sports team is nice, it will do nothing for your relationship.
The kind of communication that will revive a dried up relationship is communication about subjects and issues that deeply matter to each of you. What matters most is how you feel, what you think and what you are experiencing. Communicate about these very personal topics to each other.
What’s more, set up times specifically for communication. Again, if your relationship is in the dumps, structure can be your friend. Scheduled time for communication can be just the thing that will get you back into being connected.
To get help learning how to communicate intimately in your relationship get the Essential Communication Course for Couples.
Here is how you might put these four suggestions to use. The two of you talk and decide that you want more closeness, that you are both tired of life getting in the way of your love for each other. You agree to set aside an hour each night for each other, no matter what happens. Or you agree to set an hour or two aside for each other three days a week. You mark the dates in both of your calendars, making sure no one double-books or forgets.
You both know this will be hard. Some things that you would usually do will not get done. TV shows one or both of you may like will not get watched. Books may not get read. Work may not get done. Dishes may not get washed. Yet you know your relationship is worth the sacrifice.
Some nights you talk about what’s in the way of you being closer to each other. Some nights you talk about your day and how it made you feel. Some nights you just touch and don’t talk at all. Some nights you burn up the bed. You never give up that time together, no matter what the pressure is from the outside.
If you find one of both of you either avoiding setting time aside for each other or “forgetting” the time you have already set aside for each other, something deeper and more dangerous is eating away at your relationship. You may want to set up a Love Life Diagnostic Session with me to help you figure out what that is and stop it before it kills your relationship or marriage.
[tags]Romance and Relationships, Break up[/tags]
From the Heart,
on July 5, 2006 @ 10:09 am
I’m getting so much out of your website and then I stumble across this article(#3-Revive Passion) and I have to comment on it’s overly simplistic message. Your advice seems to fall way short of hitting the mark. Your article seems to simply say this…talk about why you’re not “hot” for each other and it will all work out….not true. You can’t snap your fingers and magically be “attracted” to your spouse. Atleast it doesn’t work that way for me. I need to know how to connect sexually with my spouse when I’m not attracted to him. I’ve been married for 18 years and recently broke off my affair with the “other man”. My husband and I have been working with a life coach individually to “work” on ourselves and see if we can save our marriage. We are getting along better than ever and are finally(for the first time in our marriage) on the same page with our kids and co-parenting well together. It’s improving everywhere but the bedroom. Why can’t I do “this”? Why can’t I connect with him sexually? I think some couples just have to face the fact that their sex life may never be real “great”, but the other parts of the relationship can be satisfying. Telling all couples that they need to be “hot” for each other is damaging in my opinion….causing those of us that don’t have “it” to feel like we’re missing out. In reality, we can have so much together besides that.
on July 5, 2006 @ 5:16 pm
Judy, you do not have to be hot for each other - in fact you do not have to do anything - it’s your life and you can live it just as you choose. However, for most adults passion brings a joy to the relationship or marriage that is otherwise missing. The sexual connection in happy marriages comes from intimacy. Intimacy is not the same thing as getting on the same page about parenting and other life issues. That is called partnering. Partnering is important to a healthy relationship and it does build the groundwork for emotional intimacy, but it is not emotional intimacy. I think you don’t feel “hot” for your husband because the two of you are still emotionally disconnected. And emotional connection happens mostly through words. In fact, emotional connection would not only help you be “hot” for each other but would also improve your overall happiness with each other. Try it - start to talk to each other about difficult issues - sex, money, beliefs, dreams, hopes, your affair - anything that you don’t normally talk to each other about. The more difficult the subject the more of an intimacy gold mine it can be. The more you have scary, taboo conversations the more you are likely to start to feel a bit of that loving feeling.
on July 5, 2006 @ 6:13 pm
Wow….that makes a lot of sense. I’ve never been a big “talker” and he has anger/control issues, so up until the past 6 months, we’ve never had a real conversation. I was busy keeping the peace in our house and protecting the kids from his temper. Now our conversations revolve around the other guy and if I’m talking to him or not….quite miserable conversations actually….but VERY taboo, as you describe. I think perhaps it’s too little too late in our case. I don’t know how to start over with him. I’ve seen him make some big changes with his anger issues and have really been trying to “feel” something…I just feel numb. So I put off sex as long as possible and then when I know it’s going to happen, I have to fight back an anxiety attack. I know part of this is due to the fact that I’m still in love with the other man. The attraction was like a stick of dynamite with him! So I close my eyes and talk myself through it and I’m not sure why my husband even wants sex with me.
I do appreciate your help and wonder if I’m capable of true intimacy with anyone….sad and scary.
on July 5, 2006 @ 7:05 pm
Judy
Thing is, you can’t try to save the marriage and at the same time not try to save the marriage, even if you are hung up on the other guy. Try working through increase intimacy in your relationship eCourse. It’s located here:
http://www.whatittakes.com/classes/increaseint.html. The eCourse will help you let go of all the old anger - which is why you a numb towards your husband. If you want, I can help you with all this - let go of the other guy, earnestly try in your marriage, and let go of anger towards your husband.
on July 13, 2006 @ 7:42 pm
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on April 10, 2007 @ 1:39 pm
I think if “fireworks” are over and to be with your lover (spouse) annoys and bores you - it’s time to separate. Life is too short to waste! Time to move on, ladies!
on May 1, 2007 @ 9:08 am
Dear Love coach, I feel as if my life is ending. My girlfriend of 2 years recently broke up with me and it has broken my heart. She broke up with me because she had been unsure whether she loves me or not anymore. After talking to her about it, she feels as if our relationship was too close and committed, structured, and that the intimacy between us had faded and now she doesn’t know if it will ever come back. We’re both willing to try to fix things, by having a more loosely arranged relationship, but how can I regain that “spark” of intimacy with her again?
please help me, I feel like she’s my chance at love and I don’t want to fail,
- Jake
on June 17, 2007 @ 9:31 am
I don’t have a comment, however I had a problem, I have been with my guy for 4 years, we recently got engaged, about 6months ago. before that time we were having some real bad sexual issues, meaning he couldnt perform, well, we got pass that because he needed to have an emotional break down to get everything thing out, and bam! just like that he was cured overnight, great for both of us.:)
Now it seems some time down the road we are not connecting emtionally at all, while I know a relationship can’t be “on” all the time, I feel we’ve lost that connection, well at least I have. I don’t seem to be attracted to him anymore, the other night he kissed me and it was just not working for me. I felt nothing other than, gosh, stop it!! it could be me becaus I’m not feeling good about myself at the moment, while I’m not overweight I have gain weight around 10lbs which now makes me 140lb. people tell me how attractive I am all the time, but I just don’t feel it, anyway, I don’t have a problem getting naked and I love sex, however since gaining weight i have tons of cellulite and I think to myself, gosh this looks bad, how can he be attracted to that!
I don’t think this is about gaing weight, I just need to know how to connect with my husband to be.
I love him, and he’s the one of the best gifts I’ve rec’d.
Help!!!
on August 23, 2007 @ 5:24 am
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on October 18, 2007 @ 9:18 pm
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on June 8, 2008 @ 8:26 am
Its so true that communication is number 1.
It seems like once the communication slips, thats when the marriage starts to fail.
The whole point is to be best friends with your partner and be able to trust each other 100%
Telling each other your feelings is key because if one of you is unhappy, the other person might not have any idea.
Great post!