Disclaimer: The following article is for the “other” person in an affair or a love triangle. Before I get a slew of angry email asking me how I can condone affairs, let me just say that affairs and love triangles happen. Being a coach I do not judge people but try to help them. Given that love triangles and affairs happen, the people in these situations need help and support, just like people in any other complicated relationship situation. This article does just that – it offers help and support to the people who need it.
Support for the “Other Person in an Affair: are you the “other” man or woman in an affair and looking for support? Visit NoMoreHeartBreak.com for support.
To be in love with someone who is in a primary relationship or marriage with someone else can be the most excruciating and at the same time the most seemingly beautiful experience of your life.
The experience is excruciating because it is hard to stop or change it. It ensnares you in a situation that you may not be able to get out for a long time, one you may in fact not want to get out of. Your inability to make the situation into exactly what you want makes you suffer.
The experience is beautiful because the person that you are having the relationship with seems like your perfect, ideal partner — your soulmate. There is a very special connection between the two of you. The attention from your loved one and the way he or she feels about you is deeply satisfying. The bond between the two of you seems magical.
In spite of the beauty and the connection in the relationship, you suffer tremendously. It’s as if you are on a roller coaster ride, up one moment and more in love then you have ever been, down the next and in more despair then you have ever felt.
Below you will discover the reasons you are suffering in your relationship and coping strategies to ease your suffering.
#1 Reason for your suffering – you think your loved one is “the one”
At times you want to leave the situation, but you don’t feel you can – you feel your loved one is “the one”, the intended one for you. Not being able to be together with your “the one” all of the time causes you pain. But when you try to leave, you feel agony. The pain of having a part-time relationship is great, the pain of leaving is even greater. The pain you feel when thinking of leaving or trying to leave reaffirms to you that your loved on is in fact “the one”.
Coping strategy to consider: What if this person you are in love with is not “the one”, not your soulmate? What if this relationship is only a step — a big, significant step – but not “the one”? What if you are not trapped in the situation, waiting for your intended one to extricate him- or herself from someone who is not “the one”?
In fact you are not trapped. You feel trapped because you feel the person you are with is “the one”, and that you cannot let him or her go.
How do you know if he or she is “the one”? The pain of trying to leave is not a reliable way to tell. That pain can be attributed to other reasons, such as your deep fear of being alone – which most people have – or how much of your needs are getting met in the relationship and how much you don’t want to let that go.
You will only know looking back if your loved one was “the one” for you. Most people with love triangles in their past say their loved one turned out to not be their soulmate. When the suffering gets to be too much, start to wonder if in fact your loved one is your “intended one.”
#2 Reason for your suffering – you think there won’t be another love after this relationship
You are suffering because this love feels like your only chance at the kind of love that everyone dreams about. Even more, it’s hard to imagine being in a relationship and being satisfied with anyone else.
And so you are trapped.
All of your needs are not getting met in your relationship, yet all the while you are not free, nor do you want to be free, to get them met elsewhere. In fact, you don’t think there could be or will be anyone else to meet your needs in such a way again, to love you this well.
Coping strategy to consider: What if there can be love even deeper than your feelings now, a love where you share ordinary moments with a special person, instead of only special moments stolen in secret?
Start to wonder if the whole package of your needs could be met in another relationship. People do find happy, fulfilling, loving primary relationships.
When the suffering about being alone yet again, at night or on holidays, gets going, focus on the fact that in the future you will have a loving relationship where your needs will be met.
If you need to, say to yourself a thousand times that you will be happy, your heart will be happy and all of your needs will be met. You just don’t know by whom yet.
#3 Reason for your suffering – you stifle your anger
Another reason you may be suffering [click to read more…]
Support for the “Other Person in an Affair: are you the “other” man or woman in an affair and looking for support? Visit NoMoreHeartBreak.com for support.
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I have been married for 11 years and with the same man for over 13. We have 2 children and never in my wildest dreams would I think that what has happened, would happen. I fell in love with someone else. I wasn’t looking. I was not out looking for anyone. My husband and I have had problems for years but never did I have a wondering eye. I have always had friends that were men but never did I feel what I feel now towards them. I met a man. The moment I laid eyes on him and the moment I heard him speak, I was hooked. But I never let it cross that line. We are both married. One night I introduced him to my spouse. I tried to get them to like each other. They had similar interests and thought they would get along. My husband wasn’t interested. He didn’t speak to me for a week. I couldn’t figure it out. I tried to ask and he would not answer. One night he finaly did. He asked if this guy was married. Yes and he has two kids our kids ages. Then he asked if we were having an affair. What? No. Why? He said the way he looked at me and I looked at him and that we both hung on eachothers words. Ok. I didn’t realize it and it never dawned on me. Then as months went by I began to realize that I did have feelings for him. We talked every day, exchanged emails every day. We started to go to lunch a couple of times a week and even met for dinner once. I confesed my feelings towards him because I felt that he felt the same way. He denied the feelings and said that he loved his family (altough he confesed that he didn’t love his wife and told me problems that they had). I was crushed and couldn’t believe he was saying these things but I knew he was just in denial. He called me cute little names, told me he missed me and yet, no feelings other than a friend. Ok. Well, months went by again and we still talked, still met for lunch, and still exchanged emails but this time some of the conversations became more intimate. Then he confesed to me his feelings. that when he’s with me he wants to stay and doesn’t want that moment to end. that he wants to be with me. then amongst all this we decided to not go down the path of cheating and to keep it “platonic”. After awhile, I was going insane. I loved this man. I didn’t love my husband and I wanted to be with him. Then the guilt set in and I confronted him again. He claims that we were doing nothing wrong because we haven’t done anything. Bull! We’re having an emotional affair. Let’s face it. We’re in love with each other and how can you not feel a bit of guilt. We that weekend we crossed the line. No we didn’t sleep together but we kissed passionately for a long time. We let the dam break and just let our feelings and hearts take over. The next day he felt guilty and was beating himself up over it. I didn’t feel guilty at all. He apologized and said that we would get through this together and to hang in there. A couple of months went by and started to drift away a little. I confronted him. I told him I wish this never happened and that we needed to make a decision before we all get hurt. I ended it and left. He emailed me and begged me not to give up on him and that I was the closest thing to love he has and that he is just having a hard time because of his kids. His marriage is non-existant and that he wants to be there for the kids and that we have to be smart about this. I agreed and let him back in my life. Months went by again and we kissed a few more times. My relationship with my spouse continued to get worse and we fought constintly. I asked for a divorce and he begged me not to and that he would change. It never happened. Then we decided to go to counseling. I ended my relationship with my friend. How can I go to counseling and have these feelings for him and pretend that everything was ok with my spouse? I needed to figure out if I love him and not my spouse or do I love my spouse and the idea that i was getting attention from someone else for the first time in 13 years. He was upset but agreed. Well that lasted only a little while. My friend confesed again to me that he loves me. We both cried a lot. I missed him so much and wanted him with me. We just can’t figure out what to do right now. I feel terrible. My husband got on medicine and has been trying but I feel nothing at all round him. Nothing. I can’t keep doing this. My friend keeps saying that we’ll be together and that he promises me that he’ll figure it out. Its just so delicate because of our kids and money and other things. He’s right, but I think the longer we wait the harder its going to be on everyone. HELP ME! I’m so broken up inside. I cry all the time. I don’t know what to do.
Well, my story is that I am in love with my high school sweetheart. We met in 1996 and split up in 2001. Since 2001 we have dated on and off and always made excuses as to why we couldn’t be together. Usually is was because he lived 3000 mile away from me. At 26 I decided I couldn’t live my life without him anymore. I move closer to him and found out that he is not only in love with me, bt he’s also in love with another girl. He has been totally honest with me about her and that’s all that I have asked, but it still hurts to hear that the love of your life loves somebody else too. Part of me wants to walk away because he can’t have his cake and eat it too, but the other part of me thiks I need to fight for what I want. I can’t believe that after 11 years we still can’t get it together. What am I suppose to do????
Oh and BROOKE, I all can say is forget about safety and stability and do what your heart is telling you to do. I just left a relationship that was so stable and safe because it was not the love that I am longing for.
I feel so scared. I was in a relationship for 6 years with a very loving dependable man… 14 years my senior. When I met him, he was married with young children. I started out as the other woman. It wasnt that way for long, as we realised we were meant to be together, and had 6 happy (not stress free) years together, and I brought his children up as if they were my own. However, a few months ago, I met a guy online. He is my age, fun, no children, no commitments. He was everything I wanted. Things started to seem wrong with my partner of 6 years and I grew closer to the young guy I met online. I decided to meet him, and felt something so so strong, I knew I wanted to be with him. I went home, and told my partner of 6 years it was over. I still loved him dearly, but it felt different to this new love I was feeling. We decided to give it a go, and have been together 4 months now. Only part time at weekends, as my life is currently here and he is 2 hours away. I love him dearly, and we’ve tried to end it due to the distance, but both love each other, and want to make it work… however, because I am home Monday to Friday… I find myself going to see my ex of 6 years and wanting to spend time with him. He has told me he wants me back, and I dont know what to do. He has told me if I go to see my new boyfriend, I cant see him anymore… and this scares me. But the thought of not seeing my boyfriend is to much. I feel I have to decide between my old life, with children and stability, and my new life, of fun and excitment and being my age again…. and its breaking me inside… but I know its breaking my ex of 6 years too, and I dont want to mess with hearts. Any advice would be great! I am in peices xx
In Jan I met a girl and after a period of casually dating I fell in love with her. When I revealed my feelings, she backed off and we tried to be friends, although I was very much in love. She started dating someone else and that was frustrating. I was dating other girls casually at the time and met one who was very different – not my usual type but very kind and sweet, secure, dependable, good humored, generous, sober, family minded, etc. I recall feeling like other women had never been so giving and sweet. I felt safe and decided to date her exclusively. We moved in together. A few months later, the first girl started calling me as a friend. She hung out with my gf and I, my gf was okay with that and I was “over” the first girl and happy with my gf. Then, the first girl started to make passes at me. I vehemently rejected them however, eventually, I cheated and then started having an affair. Suddenly I was unhappy with my gf because I noticed how much passion I have with my lover. She is truly better suited for me. I am no longer attracted to my partner. I spend so much time with my affair. I feel guilty and I am so confused. My gf represents security, stability, a future. She is older and stable. My affair represents potential and youth. She is the one I am in love with. She is irresponsible and scares me. Now I have to decide what to do because the affair has started to pressure me. Plus my relationship with my gf has fallen apart. If I stay in relationship with gf, I will feel like I’m settling. If I leave her for affair, I will feel like I am sabotaging my security for something that won’t last and will end in heart break.
I have been involved with a woman who is married for a few months now. I am friends with both her husband and her. We have not been physically intimate except for a kiss or two and long hugs and holding each other. We have talked about this at length and are both on the same page. She is having trouble with her man and has for quite some time. I have wanted to be with her for quite a while and her with me. I tell her though that I cannot be with her until she is fully done with her man. WHich may never happen. She did tell him recently that she has feelings for me and that did not go over too well as one can imagine. I acknowledge the feelings and so does she and we both agree that we do not want to stop feeling these feelings. I think that in reality the reason I do not want to stop feeling these feelings is because I am afraid they will not come back. I find that this is stopping them from having meaningful dialog that could aid in them either being the partners they want to be to each other or from moving on. I am going to let go of the feelings and if they come back or persist(which they have) Then we shall see. This is some hard stuff to deal with but if I really love her which I do, I will allow her to finish what she started or to go back to loving him… It is theirs to figure out.No one knows the future… If it is possible for us to be with one another the universe will make it happen. I love you J.
I have been seeing a married man for 2 years now and although he made it clear from the beginning that there cannot be any expectations but I didn’t expect to fall so deeply inlove with him. We met while in grad school in a country away from his as well as mine. He keeps telling me that he loves me so much and that I have this powerful effect on him. But then why can’t he leave his wife even though the marriage is and has been hell for a long time now. I get so angry with him at times and so hurt when I think back to how he use to treat me but then when I remember the good things about him I melt all over again. I want to get out of this pain so badly and I have even thought of telling him that I would not speak to him again. Then again I get scared because I may regret and then never get to talk or see him again. I love him so much and all I want everyday is just to get away from home and be with him. I can’t stand to think of him with his wife. He says that he never wants to lose me as a friend and that with other women he would not care but with me its different. But why can’t he get it in his head that I can’t get back to just being friends with him after all we’ve been through. He introduced me to a world so beautiful and then now I am left alone…so alone that it hurts so much. I am so tired of crying at night,waking up alone in the morning and waiting to see him online or his call.
Hi all,
i bet I can beat you all in the love triangel mess department.
I have a boyfriend that I’m not in love with – never was. I’m in love with his good friend. He has three children and a wife. I told him that I love him and he said there could never be anything between us. Thank God for that.
But why is it that I still can’t let go of the dream?
Silly, silly me…..
The man I had an affair with which began 8 years ago has come back into my life for the third time. He said he has grown up now and he knows what he wants and that’s me. Twice before I left my husband for this man and then this man backed off from the relationship both times because of another women he could see openly and freely, both times I went back to my husband. My problem is I can’t stop the feelings and the thoughts about being with this man again. My relationship with my husband is good, but I’ve never really felt completely happy with him. So when this man pops back into my life I always seem to think (This is my Happiness.) I don’t know what to do, I love both men very much. My heart hurts so much I don’t know if I can handle this again. I’m eight years older and I’m not the fighter I use to be.
Im torn apart. i met a girl hen i was 17 and she was beautiful and i barey had the courage to talk to her. we became friends and over the months we were best of friends and id do anything for her. she has a a boyfriend of 6 months and regardless of this we started to date and we had a sexual relation ship. we are both openly in love with each other and every time i am with her my heart skips a beat. but when um not all i can think about is her with her boyfriend and it gives me heart ache. but she has never once said she will give up her boyfriend so i feel i am traped and it hurts to love her but will hurt more to leave her
I can’t believe I’m even in this situation. It sort of snuck up on me. I’m a single girl. I left the military after 8 years and bought my first home. The best friend of the guy I purchased the home from was a plumber and he helped me out a lot in the beginning. He even came over on Christmas Eve to install the toilet in my refinished bathroom. Even after all the plumbing was fixed (for free) he kept coming around once a week. I felt like I owed him, because he didn’t charge me so I jokingly said I would pay him with beer- and I did. His beer was always in my fridge and we sat and enjoyed a few every week. He said that his wife knew he was there and she didn’t care. I’m 32 and he’s 50- I didn’t think he would think of me in any other way than a friend. In our conversations, he made it sound like she didn’t really care about him at all. Once or twice we drank too much and I needed to escort him to the door because he wanted to get frisky, but for the most part he was very respectful. About two months ago he called me from his mountain house, intoxicated, and told me that he loved me. He went into such detail and spoke so eloquently that it melted something inside of me and I saw him differently from that point on. Two weeks ago he hugged me and rocked me in his arms, I was sure that I loved him. I said that I loved him.
He said that he would tell his wife and we would be able to move forward. He even talked about kids.
Since he spoke to her, I get calls from her all of the time. I’m never mean and neither is she- I actually really like her. She’s a strong woman.
Because he is hurting her and dragging things out with her because he does still love her and values her, I seem to like him less because he’s hurting her. He’s a good man. I’m very confused and I’m completely unable to think of anything else and it’s affecting my job, my school work- I’m consumed with thoughts of her, him and what this will do to their kids. I have decided to step away and see how things work out, but my thoughts are driving my crazy and I still look at my phone way too many times a day to see if he’s called. Please, I would appreciate some advice.
Thank you for listening.
I’ve liked this guy for ages as long as i can remember i aint jelouse or anything as were realy good friends and i helped himto get his now ex-girfriend, he dumped her for cheating on him on a thursday night then on the friday he told me that he likes me so i was realy happy … but then on the monday he was realy gettin close to the ex but then on thuesday wen he didnt see her he got close me. the ex-friend d me had a talk and said he reali either needed to choose or back of from both of us, he later chose me as you can imagine i was so happy we went out on the night and i got to the place we were meeting and he was all over her now i just dont know what to do next ?! im realy confused
I am the wife of a cheater. The odd man out in the triangle you are describing. We have been married for 32 years and now it feels like it is all a lie. Of course we were having trouble communicating. All marriages go thru stages, both good and bad. Unfortunately for me, I decided to stay faithful, he decided to work out his needs elsewhere. The circumstances of work made it easy for him. He was away for work, living in another state for 1 yr. I was left home to take care of home, finances, and his aging and ill parents. He was in vacation paradise. She knew he was married and still pursued him. Of course he made it easy for her. The affair only lasted a few months before he was sent home from the job, but she continued to text him daily for 4 mor months, until I found out. Says she had to be half drunk each time they had sex. Don’t know if it is because she felt guilty or because she is an alcoholic. She is older than me, prettier and in much better physical shape. And you are right, he was a different person with her. Carefree, happy, etc. He has broken it off with her. He says because he loves me and always did. She was just a trophy, and just sex because we weren’t having any. I don’t know if I believe that but it is what it is. Why don’t I leave? Because 22 years ago, when he was still drinking, he had a 1 night stand in the parking lot of a bar. That brought home herpes. I got it. Now at 54, I’m overweight, have herpes and can’t imagine giving this to another partner. I don’t want to be alone, it is as simple as that. Who would have me anyway? Now that I have gone thru menopause, there is no longer the fear of a late life pregnancy so our sex life has resumed. Previously, he refused to use birth control and I just got tired of the fight. It was easier to just forget it and let that part of our life together go dormant until it was no longer a worry. I can’t get the images of them together out of my mind and I think I’m going crazy. All I think of is how much I hate this other woman. Those of you who are her have no idea of the kind of torment you bring to us wives. How much pain we suffer. Please, leave the married men alone. There are plenty of single men looking for you. Once you do this, none of us are ever the same again. Distrust follows each of us for the same reason. You, because you know he cheated on his wife with you so he could do it again. Me, for the same reason. Him, because he will never know when it will be just too much for me to continue on. I can’t stop crying. It affects my work, my life and my finances. You OW simply don’t know how much it hurts until he leaves you. You at least always know in the back of your mind that it is a possibility. Us wives don’t suspect it until it stabs us in the heart.
I recently found myself in a similar situation too, this girl who i have known since high school was really bright and cheerful at high school and it was the reason y i took a liking to her, now fast forward 6yrs, she currently has a bf, her bf is good to her and is also a good friend of mines, but lately she seems to be rather sad and moody, always feeling down, so me being a nice guy decided to cheer her up a bit, then something click and the nxt thing i know is that shes taken a liking to me and me, her. A week later she tells me that at this moment there is no future for us, heartbreaking news for me and possibly her, i know shes doing the right thing but at the same time shes suffering just like me. I see her nowdays still looking a bit sad every now and then, i want to go embrace her but i respect her wishes. Triangles are too painful, but in that moments time when you experience true love its also the greatest feeling. So i’ll stand by her until she becomes more cheerful and happy before i move on with my life.
Elana
thank you for leaving this comment. You are right, it never works out for the “other” woman or man, but only causes them more pain. I hear it every day from my clients.
If you are the other man or woman in an affair and you want support go to http://tinyurl.com/helpforotherperson
I’m the wife of a man who was “in love” with his OW, ten years his junior. She was a single mom, and he helped her regain custody of her daughter. We were going through a stagnant period in our marriage and weren’t effectively communicating. Instead of marriage counseling, he chose an affair. She was the one he turned to, first for friendship, then for relationship advice and then love/sex. She was looking for a man who would provide for her and her child.
The affair lasted nearly a year and in the end he knew he couldn’t destroy our family and that he still loved me, and needed to try again. He has told me that she wanted my life (and house, and children). Well, I wanted that too!
In the end, he came back to me and we rebuilt our marriage from the ground up. He has told me that even if we had divorced, he wouldn’t have stayed with her. The deceit was a heavy burden for him and he knew that she wouldn’t have been a good step-mom to our 3 kids (she has since lost custody of her daughter again).
As evil and horrible the OW thinks the wife is, remember that the OW is getting her information through a guy who’s trying to have a relationship or sex with her. He isn’t going to tell you that he’s still sleeping with his wife. Of course the wife is fat, ugly, uncaring, boring, nagging, fill-in-the-blank to him. He’s not going to tell you she’s wonderful and he still loves her.
Remember, too, that you’re only seeing the best of him. You’re not doing his dirty laundry, listening to him snore all night, waiting for him to finish that home improvement project or watching him clip the hair out of his nose. You don’t know that he always throws his dirty socks under the bed or likes to look at porn on his Blackberry or tells the same joke at least twice a year, every year, for years on end.
Know, too, that the marriages 80% of people who leave their spouses to marry the affair partner end in divorce. So even if he does leave her for you, chances are pretty slim that you’ll live happily ever after.
I have been dating my girl for a few months now.I love her so much and she knows it. She’s been too helpful to in varous ways and i feel she’s an ideal mate for me. However,recently i suspect that she has started going out with a co worker for reasons vailed.
I am a very jealous type and seem to die inside anytime i hear of the Guy or see them together.
She’s been lying to me i realised,cos i spy on her and ask retorical questions in pretence,the answer she gives me are mostly lies.I feel like breaking up with her but i find that very difficult cos i live her. Besides,i’ve been hoping that she changes.
I’m realy confused about her. Pls help me.
I am in love with a man who has a girlfriend. We spend all our time together and he is never with her. I do feel like him and I could be life long partners. But If he doesn’t break up with her I cant keep being second best in his life. I want to be someones priority not their option when they decide to have me around.
I, too, am having an affair with a married man. The comment above about them being perfect while they are with you is absolutely not true. My guy and I have arguments just like a normal couple would. However, I am 26 and he is 55. Please, no rude comments about age. Anyway, no he’s not perfect, and he hasn’t lied to me about how he feels. Yes, we are in love but he still loves his wife as well. They have been married for 35 years, so I can’t fault him for that. The only thing that has been able to keep me going is their relationship is not sexual any longer. I don’t think I could honestly handle that. I know it’s my own fault for putting myself in this position, however, that’s just the way it is. I hate not having my guy come home to me, or not being able to take trips together, spend holidays together. But, I have found, having him part time is better than not having him at all. He feels the same about me. I love him, he loves me bottom line. No, I don’t understand why he won’t leave his wife and be with me permanently, but I have to respect that. The song “Stay” by Sugarland is a very inspiring song for those in our situation, so for those of you who have never heard it, search for the lyrics, they are absolutely wonderful and true to form.
I have been married for 15 years and have 3 beautiful children ( 2 of which are twins). My problem is that I have never been “in love” with my husband. We are like roomates, I do care for him in that way but, not as a mate or husband. I had a 2 1/2 year relationship with a twice divorced man, no children, and we did everything together. We met at work and all went uphill from there. My husband konws about the relationship and even knows that we slept together, he was in the other room. Recently, my “friend” met a girl and they are glued together..ha/ha and now married and she will not allow him to talk to anyone…he is fine with this or scared one. I talked to this man everyday for 2 1/2 years and I miss is friendship!! I have recently been ask out by a married man in the same situation that I am in and he seems to be wonderful and so caring. He has told me that he truly cares for me and I am thinking I feel the same. We both want to wait until our kids are older before we leave our spouse ( not because of our relationship). Is this worth the wait? I feel it is. we have so much in common and we laugh together, he has become my best friend.
I want to warn all gals out there about this love triangle. I just got OUT of an affair with a married man who was so affectionate, caring and thoughtful. We seemed to have everything in common-except mutual honesty. If he can lie to his wife, he WILL lie to you. He told me when we started this thing he and his wife were separated; he told me they weren’t sleeping together; he told me numerous times it wouldn’t be long until a divorce. His wife confirmed otherwise on all counts..and he eventually owned up to it all. I was absolutely shocked at how deceptive he’d been just to keep me on that string…he seemed like he was being SO honest with ME!
Although I seemed so special to him..he was always willing to dispose of me whenever reality would hit and he would want another chance with his wife. She and I were both stupid for hanging in there although he was essentially “cheating” on both of us. And he was certainly willing to cut all ties on a whim every time the threat of divorce got closer.
Deal with this by thinking logically: are you getting what you want-do you have a free relationship with someone who truly loves only you? Nope. Is that really what you want? Nope. This guy is going to treat you like a jewel. He wants to keep that thrill of discovering someone new around; something that with any relationship fades-like a marriage, and would eventually include your relationship. I NEVER thought he would just cut me out if it came down to it..and he did several times.
It is likely that everything he’s sharing with you, he’s likely sharing with the wife as well. You really aren’t as special as you think you are. I’m sorry, but it’s true. If you were, he would have fled his wife by now.
You should be angry at him…for denying you the whole package that any woman deserves. Hold on to whatever it takes to get away…anger, repeating the same truths to yourself over and over. And think about the wife…would you want to be her? She, like you, is a woman who longs for a stable relationship. And she found him first, so it would be best to go for an available guy…he may not woo you as well or be as romantic, because he isn’t in an exceptional situation in which he knows it will take more to keep you near. She’s hurting, just like you–and unlike what he may claim, in most cases she did nothing to deserve this pain.
My situation is a bit different. Both of us had divorces after 27 yrs. of marriage(mine because of physical/emotional abuse). 8 months after my divorce, I met “him” in a meeting. We were exclusive for 18 months and I used to think the romance novels were a bunch of crap until I met Craig. He wanted to get married, but I wasn’t ready to commit yet. I wanted to make sure I didn’t have any unresolved issues (which I did) from my abuse and I had dated my ex-husband for 18 months before getting married and he changed completely two months after the marriage. Craig didn’t want to wait. He dated a woman the day after our break-up, moved in with her two days later and six weeks later was engaged. None of his family liked her, but he said he wanted to be married and to butt out. We still continued to talk to each other daily and be with each other physically. He said he really wanted me, but I wouldn’t commit. I told him I wasn’t going to be pushed into it until I was ready. After they got married, I told him we couldn’t talk or see each other anymore. I’ve really tried to be strong…and failed several times. We’ve been together for 4 1/2 years now. It is more intimate now, both emotionally and physically, than it ever was. He regrets his rebound choice since she totally changed two months after their marriage (everybody saw it beforehand but him). He’ll have been married two years next month and now I am ready to commit to him. I’m an intelligent, bubbly, positive person and I have the gall to think of her as ‘the other woman’. I’m his encourager, which makes it easy for him to cope and continue with his situation. In my strong moments, I’ve forced myself to date other men, but there are a lot of wierdos out there and it just hasn’t been worth it. Besides, my heart is already taken and it’s not fair to other guys. Why can’t I let him go? What is wrong with me!! If I let him go completely and he has to endure his life without my encouragement and laughter, will that force him to act? These kinds of thoughts are driving me crazy!
i am in a 2 year relationship with a guy who is in a 4 year relationship with another girl. I know theyre not married but the thought of sharing gives me great pain that i have been hiding for the last two years. I love him very much. I just want to be all that he needs.
I’ve been married for almost two years now. I was never really happy with my husband. There were days, few and far in between, where I felt in love with him and as though I loved him. But predominantly I’ve always only seemed angered at his dwindled interest in me because it hurt my selfesteem. Not because I love him so much that I wanted him to truly care for me as well. To a point I think the only reason I’ve stayed in this relationship is because we’re to a point where everything is connected. Financially and so forth. So it seems like an incredible burden to get out of the situation. I’m just not sure if with all the other things I have going on in my life right now carreer wise I want to add onto that. There’s this man I’ve known for quite some time now through my family. We all frequent his business. It’s only ever been a business relationship. I regularly never even really talked to him all that much. He’s always been attractive, but other than that I gave him not more than a glance and the words necessary for our transactions. As said, my family and I would frequent his place, so I never actually went there alone until recently. I was there for many hours due to a project and for the first time we talked an awful lot. I think I learned more of him in those few hours than in the near year I’ve known him. And vice versa. My husband and I have been having some serious problems as of late. All I can think about when it comes to him is how badly I want a divorce. So I suppose that explains why that evening I was in this mans shop we had sexual contact. We didn’t actual sleep with each other, but it was more than enough. We both ended up going our seperate ways after. I wasn’t supposed to be in town after it all happened but my trip got delayed. A week later I found myself in his shop again. After we finished business he invited me back to his place for a drink. It was harmless, a few drinks, some music, nothing spectacular. Then from one moment to the next we were kissing and touching and ended up sleeping with one another. I’m not a very social person so I actually wanted to just enjoy his company. Was there an underlying desire and physical attraction, yes. But would I have ever made the first move in that direction, honestly, no. I could see him being a really good friend. But it seems like now every time we see each other it ends up in physical contact. Every day I have to keep myself from going to his work place, because it would be the easiest thing to make up a reason just to see him. His work colleagues are already suspicious, I know. Because we always end up being the last ones to leave after hours. He has a girlfriend as well. After our last encounter we agreed to just be friends because we both think it would do us good to have a good friend in each other. But before the night was over we ended up in another altercation. He doesn’t have my number and I don’t have his. The only way for us to see one another is if I go to his work place. I don’t know what to do. He amazes me. Something about him just clicks. But I’m also not an idiot. I won’t be around here for much longer due to my job. I’m married and he’s in a relationship. This can’t go anywhere, right? So why am I so obsessed? Why can’t I think about anything else? Why do I light up a room when I see him and vice versa? He also invited me to an upcoming social event at his home. His girlfriend and all of his friends will be there. Why did he invite me? Was it a genuine invitation? If so, why? And should I go or would I just be setting myself up for failure? I’m so confused right now. I don’t want to see him again. Partly because I know it’s bad for me, partly out of fear that he won’t want to see me or that he will want to see me and we’ll end up in the same situation as before. What should I do?
Ellie, try to find something that you love to do, and then throw yourself into it with passion. You will be that bubbly, livery young woman again in due time. Allow yourself to feel sad. Grieve the loss and then put it away. Your happiness is not contingent upon this one single solitary person on planet Earth. You will be happy again. Guaranteed.
I found reading this web page a real eye opener. I met a wonderful guy roughly about 3 years ago. i fell in love with him practically straight away even though I knew he was bi-sexual and was in a relationship with a man. The thing is that we never actually dated officially he use to take me out every Wednesday evenings, buy me little presents like candles, photo albums and last year we went on holiday together in Prague. So there were hints of a relationship/emotional connection if you know what I mean. Its so hard to let go of that emotional connection because you put your own vulnerabilities in the other persons hands. He went off to university in September of last year whilst at university he split from his boyfriend and as months went past he gave me less and less attention. I was even going to move up there to be with him. Two months ago he just stopped suddenly talking to me. He eventually texted me saying that he didn’t want anything else to do with me and that he would write to me explaining what I had done wrong. I have not received no letter from him and I feel used by him yet I desperately want him back. I spent 3 years of my life on him and I never looked at any other man because he was all I wanted. I now feel self-conscious and feel no one will look at me again. I found this page extremely useful however, even though its logical sense you have to find that click within your self which forces your mind to actually take in what’s happened and what is being said. That’s something I am not able to manage so far because my whole personality as changed drastically from a lively, bubbly young woman to a self-conscious and depressive woman who feels very stupid for getting involved with him even though her friends did warn her off this beforehand. Any advice from you all will be greatly appreciated.
To look life in the face……
always, to look life in the face
and to know it…… for what it is
at last to know it……..
to love it, for what it is
and then…………………. to put it away
–
always the years between us
always the years
always the love
always the hours
Dear Rinatta, thank you for this very serious site. It was sobering to read all the posts, many of which matched my feelings word by word. The posts seem to have one curious thing in common. That when two people love one another in an affair, their relationship is much deeper and more passionate than the relationships between single people. Perhaps it is because the people in an affair have to treasure their time together so much more than their single counterparts. Every minute together precious, thus intensifying their bond. I know, my best friend grew out of a very intense, very loving, extremely passionate love affair. I do not regret the extreme pain that was the other side of happiness. I don’t think I could have packed this much essence into the past 5 years had it not been a relationship that had to squeeze and savious every last drop from each minute together. No regrets, but never again. Please, everyone – watch the movie The Hours, and listen carefully to the closing words…………. then memorizse them and say them as a kind of prayer. Those words will help you ‘put it away’ while never forgetting the ‘hours’………..
I played the nonchalant o/w who had no cares,even
though I was investing my time into the what I thought,was the soon to be relationship,that would
offer me and my daughter Aydia a new life.With the
financial gain I thought I deserved,even though I
wasnt the one who earned it.I wanted the life style
his wife had.But he just used me and went back to his wife,who he really loved
I was duped into thinking I was secure to count on
eventually being with this married man.He would
eventually turn to me,after his wife found out.I was
sure she would dump him,after all that was done to
her with a little help by me,influencing him,and the
situation.
lol, like almost all the other posters, i am in love with a married man as well. I haven’t told him I love him, but I think he knows and he’s attracted to me too.
It’s been 8 months now and it’s a daily struggle to fight my feelings for him. I didn’t know he was married until after I fell for him. If I had known he was married I would never have let myself fall for him.
I tell myself several things every single day to keep myself on the straight path….. (a) he’ll never leave his wife. (b) he is too nice a person to cheat on his wife (i get this feeling because of the expression I once saw on his face…. i interpreted it as “If I wasn’t married, I would have been able to love you” There was regret and some other emotion I couldn’t comprehend on his face)
(c) he has a son and it’s not fair for him to suffer just because I was foolish enough to fall in love with a married man.
(d) I am supposed to be a feminist and I CAN’T break another womans heart or house.
Unfortunately or fortunately, I can’t say for sure if his married life is happy or unhappy…. All I know is his was an arranged marriage…. he didn’t marry for love and that’s what makes it all the more painful.
After all these months of fighting I was on the verge of giving up and giving in to my feelings and thankfully I came upon this site. I know now that I am not the only one and the pain that I feel isn’t mine alone….it doesn’t mean anything special…. and I actually feel quite foolish for thinking that my love was something special.
I have found another guy….whom I don’t love but I know that I can learn to love him….
I just wanted to let you know that reading other peoples stories helped me a lot and lessened the “pain” I felt at not being with this man.
hi,
i meet two men that were friends about a year ago.both had a bit of a cocaine habit..one of them is manic bipolar.this has become a very difficult love triangle.i,being the woman in this situation,have felt love and attraction for both of these men.they are very different from each other and now are not friends because of me.i know the one that i consider to be more of a boyfriend ,has quit the drug habit since our involvement together.i know that i am not responsible for this but i do feel asense of responsibility towards him becdause he is maniac bipolar and i feel he is more vulnerable than the other….when i am with one i miss the other terribly..now the one that i have an intellectual and spiritual connection with ,does not want to see me anymore because of my sexual involvement with the other…how do i get out of this mess with dignity and without hurting them?i just want to live an honest life….
I’m an other woman and I understand the “cheating” man’s perspective very well. Not all cheating men are losers or creeps, but in my case an emotionally abused, confused, caring man who is beautiful in so many ways. His nine month deep friendship and then affair with me completely changed his life, I know. His wife’s abuse is “infidelity” in many more ways than his sexual “infidelity.” She couldn’t be emotionally intimate with him and humiliated him. He knows now that he needs to decide if he can live the rest of his life with her. She knows that he fell in love with me and that has spurred her to try to change. I have left the relationship with him and will not be involved with him while he decides what he wants to do. It has been the most painful decision of my life (aggravated by the fact that he lives just down the street), but I’m convinced that I am worth more than just being there for him while he decides. I think it also forces him to think through the reality of his marriage without me as an outlet. I don’t know what will happen, but I am “moving on” in the sense of finding other meaning in my life and being open to other relationships. If he decides his marriage won’t work, without input from me, then it will be totally his decision and then he can come to me free. I don’t hold out alot of hope, because I think he’s codependent, and also cares deeply about his kids. Those of us who have left spouses know that it takes time and courage. I think he’ll stay with her until it becomes unbearable. I know he loves me, didn’t use me, and wishes things were different and that she were me. I can live with that and the knowledge that he will probably always love me.
I am not involved with a married man but one that lives with his “roommate” as he calls her.They lived together for 8 years and the last four of those they slept in separate rooms. She diminished any sex they did have before the room change.They are night and day, they don’t get along only enough to share the house,she is 50,he is 41;she’s white,he’s black;their families don’t like them together;they have no kids together,she has none,he has 4 whom she cares less about.He refers to her as a bitch,most selfish person he knows,knit-picky,unaffecionate and complaining.Why hasn’t he moved out? Says he is afraid of love-it’s risky;says his living situation is safe because she can’t hurt his feelngs like I could.Yes I’m in love with him and he’s in love with me;This has go on for almost 2 years and though I feel he’ll move out soon because of his desire to be with me I’m feeling I should let it go and if he really loves me he’ll make things right and put closure on his “roommate”. I welcome any comments to this, especially from men who have been like the man I love.
That depends Rouge.
Did you have a affair with someone who did treat you with respect and thought you were true to them? Did you lie to her? Pretend with her just because you needed to forfill your needs? Did you have other partners on the side and lie to her about it? If so, then that would make you wrong!!!!
If not, then you don’t need to think you are being called a loser.
I too can see it both ways.
It all depends on what the truth is. Hurting a innocent woman because your wife treats you wrong is selfish.
DON’T USE PEOPLE!
If your wife is abusive, speak up and take a stand.
The truth is always the way to go.
Hang in there:)
This is for those referring to the men/women who cheat as “losers”. There are two sides to every story and to make an assumption that a person who cheats on a spouse/significant other is a loser is narrow minded. What about the man who stays in a bad marriage for his children because the “poor” wife this “loser” is married to is manipulative and emotionally abusive to husband and child? Grant it, two wrongs do not make a right, but I don’t hear you making any mention of those wrongs. What if this “loser” wouldn’t resort to fulfillment in the arms of another woman if the one he was with knew how to treat him with love and respect? She may have even cheated on him but because this “loser” is such a decent man in all reality he keeps that confidential while she brow beats him for his supposed infidelities? What if this “loser” is just looking for a little personal happiness while he sacrifices for the best interest of his children? Hasty judgements are never prudent, nor helpful to anyone other than to breed intolerance. Who decided that the “sin” of infidelity was greater and worth more mention than the transgressions that may or may not have been committed against the adulterer?
My married man came into my life at a time I was at my lowest and weakest emotional levels, my world as I had known it was crumbling down all around me, I met this man through what I believed at the time was a close friend, I myself was still married,but legally separated, upon meeting him and during our first conversation we both opening offered our martial status,he too was separated from wife, we began seeing one another exclusively, even though I viewed him as a friend only, he helped me through the hard times and was there for me in many ways my husband had never been, eventually this man won my heart and we moved in together, Over a period of the next three years we discussed marriage,life goals why he no longer loved or wanted to be with his wife, and I finally accepted the fact that he was the man I was supposed to be with, the storm blew in, His siblings and legal wife all of sudden needed him every day he was off work, at first it didn’t bother me I was somewhat amused by it I told myself that she now saw me as a threat and was enlisting the family to help sabbotage our relationship, since the one she was involved in went south,he could not see or understand my point of view. After many aruguements we broke up and went our separte ways, me feeling he was still in love with her I picked up my life and begin building a future for my self alone, over the next year and a half, he would call me every couple of months saying he was just checking on me and hoped evrything was going okay, by the end of the second year of our breakup, he surfaces, once again telling me how much he loves and wants me, but know there is a new problem to deal with, yes he got back with his wife after our breakup and even brought her a new home, which now he is financially tied up in and since he reconciled with her,retirement that she would not have been entitled to she now would have rights to, I have been seeing him and having sex with him for over 2 years now, I usually see him 5-6 days a week after work on an average of about 3 hours daily, he calls me each morning and sometimes throughout the day, I feel in love with him because he was a friend when I needed one and he became my perfect lover, it is long past the time to end this nonsense but each time I let go and begin to feel overwhelmed by loneliness I give in and call him back, and I am a very attractive and I use to think intelligent woman but I have not found the key to truly getting him out of my system.
I am in love with a married woman. I am 45 years old and have 2 grand children. I have met an incredible woman that is truly and deeply in love with me. She is only 28. She tells me that she does not have a problem with the age difference, I believe her. Well lets get to the core of this, We have been seeing each other for 3 months and each time we get closer, the problem is that I can’t get her husband out of my mind. She said she is going to leave him, yet she is still intimate with him. When she tell me it’s not the same with him and she thinks of me that hurts. Is she playing me and just using me to have the best of two worlds? When we are together it is like we are alone in this world. We can freely talk about anything and all seems great. When we depart for the day I know there is a possibility that she is going to have sex with him. I told her yesterday that I am not going to stress anymore I was going to go back to the way I was before I met her, if we are supposed to be together then we will. If not then I will move on. She agreed that the person she fell in love with was the old me before the worries and agony. I feel better, yet I feel hollow inside. What should I do?
My question is for all the ladies who say they love this person (who’s married or tied down in another relationship) Did you fall in love after you became intimate (sleeping with) this person? I guess I m wondering of the cataylst for “love” is caused by the sex component specifically. Not, just having intimate conversation, opening up emotionally through dialog only. INquiring minds want to know.
The pain and yes TRAUMA other women women feel is real. They gave their love and got deeply hurt in return.
keep your head up and if you ever get over these affairs stay away be truthfull with yourself and love yourself more than anyone else.learn to take care of yourself financially emotionally andevery other way. i was in a relationship like this. i had a loving husband who i didnt totally appreciate,i didnt know how to appreciate him. i met this other guy he was divorced but back with his ex wife. he told me they were not together. i separated from my husband thinking the grass was greener. after we were together for about a year i found out he was still with his ex. i was head over heels by then,we had been together every night for a year.i didnt know people did that when they had a woman. we had wedding plans and allsoi throught but he was lying he was still with her too.at this point he starting going back and forth between us living a double life but he was staying with her acting as a husband to her but being at my house every other day.i loved him so much i couldn’t leave,this lasted for five years after a while i didnt want him to leave i enjoyed him the way we where ijust wanted respect. ihad learned to realize she wasn’t keeping us apart infact she was the reason we were together.we were really not compatible. in the beginning it seemed like we were but it was just because those stories were lies. after the fourth year i began to learn him and his true personality, this is what will help you get over these relationships,once you spend enough time with these people you will see their spouses are doing you a favor by dealing with their bullshit you are just not seeing these people enough to truly know their true selves. we even had a son together, that made me love him more because he was their for us so much and he was soloving during my pregnancy even though the woman wanted him to leave me,he always told her he would not. well after the five years i got blessed and god sent my husband home after so much bullshit with him i nowknow how to appreciate my husband he is such a good man. to get over this look deeper at this man, spendsometime away from him completely he wont leave you he will stillbe there when you come back. understand that you deserve to be loved,if no man will love you then love your self more than that man loves you, understand that that man may love you but the only one he truly loves is himself, know that men lie if that woman was what he says he would leave,that woman probably does whatever he says and does anything to please him. even if you are insecure know that allthe ulgy girls have a man or most of them men want you with some flaws that way they are not insecure. you can get over this just began to love yourself but i knowit takes time and it is hard. im not even jealous of their relationship because i understand she didnt come betweenus wewouldhave never worked out even if she wasnt there.it seemed like we were compatible because he was fake around me when he showed me his true self i didnt even really like him. he knew i wouldnt be ableto truly deal with his personality thats why he knew to never leave,he knew the only womna weak enough to dealwith his bullshit was her.i hate liers and thats what he was in the end i seen him for what he was.your ownmanis out there, he will love you and respect you
Hello all – well, I’m back with an update.
It’s funny how much a person can tell you one thing and your feelings for them are so strong that you believe that it’s true. Then they slip up and don’t tell you the whole truth and you get an awakening that changes your whole perspective on life AND them. My “best friend” and I met up last night to go to that work-related reception that I have invited him to, prior to my first entry on this site. It was a nice time and I was able to introduce him to several folks that I work with; he’s trying to get a job where I work. I guess everyone that knows me thought we were dating – little do they know. He was a perfect gentleman as always. Most of the night we stood off by ourselves so we could walk around and mingle. There were hors deavours and wine/beer cash bar. He bought me a drink (and himself), which helped us loosen up a bit. After about an hour, he needed to get home and we decided to go. He asked to use my cell phone to call his wife and let her know he was on the way. That kinda bothered me, but that’s the situation, so I dealt with it.
It was freezing outside and he gave me his jacket to keep warm. (how sweet). Well, he wanted me to drive us to the top floor of the parking garage that we parked in. It was a clear night and the stars were beautiful and you could see the waterside of Downtown. It was quite beautiful and romantic. I was still buzzed from the wine, so the time we sat there allowed me to come down a bit. We talked some, but my “best friend” kept looking at me with “that look.” I knew he was thinking something, but when I asked, he wouldn’t say. Then he asked if we could sit in the back of my SUV (a common make-out spot for us). I eagerly agreed. I was trying so hard not to initiate anything, but I didn’t turn him down either.
So we hopped in the back and just cuddled and talked. He and I discussed the latest developments between my husband and I, and kept saying he’d pray for us. He explained why he had stated that he was jealous about our going away this weekend. He said that he hates knowing that our friendship/relationship will change. He said he doesn’t want to lose it. I always knew he was more involved than he led on to believe. I told him that he needed to refocus his attention on his wife and I asked him what his plans were for today – he had told me he was going to be off from work. He told me that he was going skiing. When I probed into it and asked him who he was going with. He said, he and wife and daughter were supposed to go. Funny how he was jealous about me spending a weekend with my husband, but he already had big family plans of his own. Even though I didn’t make a big deal about it to him, it made me think. He kept referring to “us” and I reminded him that we always knew things between us would always be just as there were and nothing more. (He would always tell me that nothing more could ever become of ‘us’ so I took it for what it always was; just an affair and close friendship.)
I told him that it would be the last time we’d have together and he asked if he could just kiss me. Of course, I wanted him to and we made out for quite awhile – it was intense and it got very emotional for me.
Now, that I look back on the conversation we had last night, I never wanted to hurt him. I never wanted to take his heart and break it. I feel as though he is hurt, even if just a little. But he’s very married. Then, I noticed that he was wearing a wedding band. He hadn’t worn one in over 10 years (he lost his original and his wife wouldn’t replace it for him.) I asked him, “so when did you start wearing that?” I did put him on the spot and he told me Eileen had gotten it for him, last weekend. That’s when it hit me – it’s got to end. There’s no way I can continue on with this relationship, even if my husband and I weren’t working things out. There’s something being withheld from me and I know my “best friend” isn’t being completely clean with me on what’s happening with him at “home.”
For someone to all of a sudden replace your wedding band after 10 years, there has to be something to make that person want to put another ring on your finger – love. They seem to be doing lots of family things more often and working on big projects for their house and all – so it can’t be all that bad, right? In the beginning of our friendship, he had told me that he never pressed the issue of wearing a wedding band again, because he and his wife were having so many problems and he didn’t feel like it meant anything – he didn’t feel married anyway; he’s say.
Well, after we talked about that, he wanted to undo my bra and kiss my “my soft skin,” but I discouraged him; seeing his wedding band, really killed the mood for me and I felt like bolting out of the car at that point. So, I told him it was time to get going and I drove him back to his car in the parking garage. Meanwhile, my husband had called twice so I called him back to let him know I was on my way home (he was watching the kids for me), while Jeff was still in the car with me.
I drove out of the garage and soon met up with him at a stoplight where he motioned a good-bye to me. I briefly waved back and then zoomed off to the Interstate, as he did.
Last week when I posted my entry to this website, I had already decided that I would let him go after this event last night. I had written him a letter with card and everything. But I didn’t bring it with me to give to him. But it worked out that my way, and this was probably a better way to do it.
This is going to sound so bad, but when I got to my husband’s place to pick up the kids, I have to admit, I was feeling very sexual and wanted to burn that energy off on him; he’s the one who deserved it. I pretty much seduced him and my way into his bedroom and we made love. I’m sure he was wondering what had gotten into me. But it was so much better making love to my husband than somebody else’s. I realized just how much I need to refocus my attention on my own husband. And boy is he in for a wonderful weekend! I can’t wait! I just this weekend to be so special and I’ll do whatever it takes to let my husband know how committed I am to him, now, and especially after all he’s done to show me that he’s committed.
Losing my “best friend”…does it hurt? Of course, it does. But I am determined not to turn back from my decision and my commitment. But I have everything to gain by working out my marriage. I do love my husband and I want us to be together; because I know it’s God’s will. I just pray that God can forgive me and work in my heart to change me into the wife and friend I need to be for my husband.
In reading through all of the other postings on this site, I realize that my experiences over the last year and a half come pretty close to most of the entries and the tragedy is that the married men having extramarital affairs, whether true love or not, always ends with them staying with their wives. End of story.
Although I really don’t regret any part of my experiences with my “best friend,” I’ve learned a HUGE lesson in all of it. I thanked him for helping me feel sexy again and loved again, self-esteem of which I hadn’t felt over 80 percent of my marriage. But I do know that married men are off limits completely, no matter what you think you know about their relationships with their wives. If they are “that” bad, they would leave them, no matter what. These days fathers have just as many parental rights in custody battles as mothers. So I don’t think that excuse (for not leaving) is good enough.
Take care and God Bless!
KL, #2 entry
This website has been amazingly helpful for me, too! I am married with two children, but in summer 06, I initiated a legal separation from my husband due to major difficulties in the marriage and moved the kids and I to our own place. For the last 7 years of our 9 year marriage, we had many problems and grew further and further apart. But I always stayed, because of my committment to God and I always had hope that some day things would be different and/or I would just have to settle for the ways things were. My husband was self-ish, non-loving and isolated himself from me and my family and friends. Never wanting to participate in family outtings, kids’ activities, etc. It was a horrible situation to live in. All of my married friends were shocked that I lived that way. There would be weeks to months at the time, when we wouldn’t even speak to each other and when we did, it was always confrontational and resulted in fall-outs most of the time in front of the kids (which I always hated!). My children didn’t deserve it and neither did I. So after a heart-wrenching decision was made, I moved out of the comforts of my house, left him with our family dog and bird and by the grace of God, found much relief (from the tension and stress) and peace. I know that I didn’t deserve the treatment and how much it had changed my outgoing and loving attitude at home, with him. Since the summer, so much has happened. Although, I was ready to give up on our marriage since I was the only one trying, my best friend was always there to support me and console me – he was going through very similar issues with his wife. I met my “best friend” back in the summer of 2005, haphazardly; I was a “damsel in distress” – my car had broken down on the interstate and he was kind enough to stop and help. Never did we expect that our brief meeting would bring us to the point of a “relationship.” After several months had passed during that year, and I was still with my husband, we became very close. Sharing the sad stories of our marriages and understanding what the other was going through. We were staying in touch every day while at work, leaving messages for each other outside of work hours; on the weekends, even. My husband found out about my close friendship via a diary that I kept. He threatened to wreck his life (by telling his wife, somehow). Never denying the friendship, I was sensitive to my husband’s wishes that I discontinue the friendship and for a brief time, I didn’t keep in touch with him. However, things with my husband still weren’t working out and my friend restablished contact with me, to “see how I was doing.” Since then, we’ve been in touch, just like before. The only difference is, now (really over the few weeks/month), my husband and I are working things out and I really want to allow time for us so that we can have the marriage God intended for us. I had fallen in love with my friend (who’s unhappily married, but says he can’t leave his wife because of his young daughter), and over the past year, I’ve been on an emotional roller-coaster; just like everyone who has posted their stories on this site. The turning point for me is that in each story I’ve read, no married man involved has sacrificed as much as the “other woman” has. None of them have left their supposedly “unhappy” marriages to be with the woman they “truly” love. Knowing this obvious trend, I have realized that even though, I care very much for my best friend, had become intimate and fallen in love with him, I have to cut him loose. My husband is more committed than he has ever been to making this work and I owe our marriage at least one more try. Knowing that I’ll lose my very close friend of almost 2 years, I pray that I will develop that kind of relationship with my husband and I also pray for my friend’s marriage to turn around for the better as well. The only problem is actually breaking it off with him. I’ve initiated it several times over the course of 6 months, yet, every time he’s contacted me to “check on me” and we’re right back at square one in our closeness. I’ve written him a letter that I hope will do the trick, but I’m so nervous about giving it to him for fear of hurting him and ending up back in touch, soon after, like before. As this Valentine’s Day weekend approaches, I only want to think of my husband and how much time we’ll have to actually revive our marriage. He most recently rededicated his life to Christ, and is committed to God – something that he resented in me that tore us apart before. Having God in the picture always helps in realizing what’s right and what’s wrong. I’ll keep all of you in my prayers and I make the decision to do the right thing; however painful it may be.
Take care all!
KL
i’m in love with a married man but i dont trust him but the thing about the whole sistuation he has never cheated on me as i know of i guess im just getting tired of the way he treats me. as if im a stanger on the street he just meet after 9yrs. we have been together how can I still love him and walk away at the sametime. but hes my whole life he means the world to me what am i going to do?
WOW!! And to think I thought I was all alone in this. My heart goes out to everybody. But let me tell you something I read recently: If a man doesn’t know what he wants-he doesn’t want what he has. I came about this web site looking for a way OUT. My lover is not married and that is what kept me stuck for so long (7 months). I convinced myself it was still open house and so I have waited like a dummy. He told me he loved me first, actually left his girlfriend of 13 years for me and everything. But it was the way he left her that disgusted me. She has an 11 month old son with him on top of that she has 2 other kids and another one of his living at “his house”. When we met he told me she was his babysitter so when I found out she was infact his fiance I was floored. But good old intuition told me that how soon would it be before I became the babysitter too. So when he kicked her and her children out for me I really looked closely at his character. He wanted me to move in with him immediately and when i didnt he went immediatley back to her. He’s not a bad guy just not mature enough to know how to end a relationship. The “week” that she was gone he allowed the kids to come back so they could attend school and kept the baby too but look at what I would have been waliking in to?! He called and told me he had a spirtual awakening and that he couldnt see me. But of course we resumed our relationship a month later and our first night together again I got pregnant with twins!!! I already have children of my own and I am not fortunate enough to be able to afford a nanny so it was terminated. Now he was a complete gentleman throughout the whole thing he is kind and loving etc. I know you can understand when I say that I didnt want to walk away from him and have to deal with always wondering if he was the one. Everytime I get frustrated he says “hold on” that “we missed our chance” blah blah blah. But what I am seeing is me causing my heart to ache not him he’s only capable of doing what I allow him to do. But the beating this whole “relationship” is putting on my self esteem troubles ME. It is not troubling him at all. I believe that he loves me and he’s proven that. Once I found out about her he has never lied about anything. Now on top of all of this it is also a long distance relationship which is hard enough. I realized that by seeking help that I must have SOME courage. I am planning on ending this soon and I believe that if it was meant to be, well he knows how to find me. I know from doing some soul searching that being alone and being lonely are two different things. I really adore this man but the only way to really know if he adores me is for me to leave him. I dont enjoy being the other woman. And for those of us with daughters just ask yourselves what would you do FOR them if it was them in this situation and do that for yourselves!!! Life is short if their marriages/relationships were so unfulfilling that they needed to get their needs met elsewhere what would they do when/if you had them to yourselves?? I want someone that knows how to be BORED with me and suggest playing a game not someone that will run to someone else the minute the big bang is over. I thank everyone for the stories but I think our lovers/partners only care about their own needs. Mostly by playing the victim and if it worked on us they will use it again. Imagine how powerful they must feel over us. My advice live your lives think about yourselves with the utmost respect. NO ONE CAN LOVE US UNTIL WE LEARN HOW TO LOVE OURSELVES.
I have been with a man in a common-law marriage for over 20years. Within the past 2 years I started cheating on him…largely because of some behavior changes that he has displayed. After attempting to talk with him about these behaviors and getting no where I started dating this wonderful guy. I have used work as the primary excuse to see the guy and have gone unchecked by my “spouse”. I do plan on leaving him(spouse) within the next several months. Ironically, I think I have given up on the long term relationship because although we share 2 children togerther and have common interest…the love is dying in the relationship. I feel no guilt or remorse for cheating on him. However I do feel guilty in not explaining my current situation to my new lover. I feel that the relationship will work between us and there is no need to let him know about my current situation although I did lie to him and told him that I was divorced.
I went through reading all of the postings. I feel I have learned a lot. However, none of them seem to compare to my specific situation. I began to work in accounting for an independent business about 7 months ago. I was always attracted to the very professional and married “christian” owner of the business, with whom I thought I could never have a relationship. One night, after happy hour with our co-workers and a lot to drink, he and his wife and I headed back to his millionaire home. Eventually his wife passed out and so did I…on the guest room floor. Next thing I know, theb owner and husband is being very tenderly intimate with me and kissing and touching me in ways that no one has ever done. I was devastated, to know that he would cheat on his wife that way and seemingly use me. Though I experience something wonderful sexually, I still asked him “why did you do this?” The next day, I found out that he had been lusting over me for months, and that he had planned a speech to me to ask that I come and be intimate with him for only a couple of hours, and that would be the end of it. I cried. Over time, we got to know each other very intimately. We talked about painful situations in our lives that we had talked about with no one else. The look in his eyes, the tears, the compassion he showed….I was then in love. The relationship grew. Two weeks after the first encounter he was saying “I’m this close,” while using his thumb and index finger together about a millimeter apart. Two weeks later, he had said “I love you.” So had I. This is considering the fact that I freaked out and cried and yelled at him for my pain and threatened suicide because that’s what I wanted. He accepted that in me. In the beginning, he only wanted sex. Now it’s evolved to a plan to leave his wife of 22 years. They have 2 daughters together. He cannot leave her now because of complicated legal situations having to do with his business and his in-laws. The only reason he does not do it now is because this man has worked his ass off for 16 years to be a millionaire and he stands to lose 75% of it if divorce proceedings go on at this point. I trust him completely in that he is not leading me on. This man cries everytime he leaves me. He is a 6′ muscular, masculine and good looking man who you would not expect to cry. I feel his pain. I suffer. So much. How long can I wait? I don’t distrust him for one second that he does not plan to be with me…however, I am suffering. End of Story for now. Thank all of you for sharing.
I too am in a love triangle. I travel alot for business and resisted for a while, after that bam!!, now the girl friend thinks she’s pregnant. My wife and mother of my three children found out about the other women, how can I tell her she might be pregnant?
hey natalie, that poem is awesome, i hope you don’t mind but i shared it w/ some friends
Man, these stories are so sad. I have a good one too. I was married and faithful for 7 yrs, then was cheated on by the now exhusband. Became close again with a childhood friend and began a secret attraction to him. He is married but has been separated for years. I have never admitted my feelings though he may suspect. We spend lots of time together and I have not dated ANYONE since my divorce. I don’t need to since he satisfies all my needs, except for sexually, but that is a small price to pay to have him in my life. He does not believe in divorce, so I know he will not ever be free. I do not believe he returns my feelings, he thinks that we are only strictly friends. So I feel like the other woman though we are not romantic. It kills me to be in this situation because of what I went through in my marriage. I wish I could give him up but I can’t. But I also know that as long as he’s in my life I’ll never pay attention to another man.
TO ALL OF THE DESPARATE WANT TO BE “HOUSEWIVES” – THE MARRIED MAN NEVER LEAVES — HE’LL BE MAKING LOVE TO YOU THINKING ABOUT HIS WIFE — THEY ARE THE TREASURED POSSESSION – YOU ARE THE WORTHLESS “JEWEL”…REMEMBER THAT!
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