How To Let Your Ex Go
Most people had relationships in their past that didn’t work. Most people have at least one such relationship that is very hard to let go of. This is the one that got away, but shouldn’t have. This is the one that felt as if it was meant to be. This is the one that felt like true love yet just would not work. How do you let go of a relationship like this?
When your partner in that relationship was at his or her best, he or she met all of your needs. He or she was the perfect fit for you. If he or she could have been that way with you 100% of the time, rather than just sometimes, you would be in the relationship still. The times he or she was everything you needed are hard to let go of. You have been looking for that kind of love all of your life.
Here was a person who could meet your needs the way you have always wanted. You knew he or she could, because sometimes he or she did. But he or she wouldn’t. You wanted to make, force, remind or talk him or her into it. You did everything possible to make him or her be the way you wanted 100% of the time. You may have asked him or her to go to therapy. You used all of the tricks in the book you could come up with to evoke the behavior you wanted.
Finally you left the relationship. You knew you deserved better than just some fraction of what you wanted. But the attachment to your ex lingers. It lingers because you never succeeded in making him or her fulfill your needs completely. It feels as if you failed. You feel that somehow not getting what you wanted was your fault. If you were only good enough your ex would have given you the love you wanted, all of the time. After all, he or she did give it to you some of the time.
It is not easy to move on to another relationship after such an experience. It is not easy to attract love, or give your heart to someone new. It is hard to believe you will have such love and passion with anyone else. At the same time, it is hard to trust that you will somehow avoid hurt the next time around.
Another thing that keeps you hooked into that relationship is anger. Anger arises when someone has something you want but won’t give it to you, especially when the giving of the thing would seem to be the natural or the expected thing to do. You are justified in being angry, yet anger is a way to stay connected to someone, albeit not a positive way.
There is another reason why it’s hard to let go of the relationship that got away. The person you were in love with truly had great qualities. With him or her you had an incredible connection. Maybe he or she loved you intensely. He or she may still love you. The only problem in the relationship was that he or she could only treat you well part of the time. The rest of the time, he or she acted hurtfully towards you.
It is very difficult to throw away this type of connection. And it is more difficult still when you interact with the wonderful, caring side of him or her. Having to walk away from such a relationship can be the hardest thing you will ever do. Even when you walk away it may still pull at your heart.
It is so much easier to let go of someone when it is clear he or she doesn’t care about you. It may even be easier to let go of someone who dies, because there is nothing that can be done. But to let go of someone who is well and alive and loves you is an incredible task. Yet let go you must if the partner you are clinging to is not willing to meet your needs. If you are ever to be fulfilled in any relationship, you must let go completely of this past partner.
So how do you do this? How do you let go of the living, breathing former partner who may love you, or whom you may love, and yet who is not good for you? How do you let go of the one who seems to have been the one?
The first step is to understand that your partner would have given you the moon and the stars if he or she could have. Even when he or she appeared to be holding back or hurting you on purpose, he or she was always doing the best he or she could. Understand that he or she never intentionally hurt you.
To let go of your past relationship, you will first need to forgive your ex, forgive yourself, and understand that his or her behavior was not your fault. Understand that all that he or she did, the good and the bad all together, comprise the totality of this person. Sometimes he or she was wonderful and sometimes he or she was horrible. And all of the time he or she was the person you cared for.
There is no way you could only have his or her good side. Because you were connected to the whole person, you had to experience the bad side as well. His or her bad side was hurtful, and in the end the bad outweighed the good. Since the bad side was a part of the package and could not be changed, the whole package had to go.
Secondly, do something to honor and cherish the true connection between the two of you. In fact, you may need to honor that connection for a long time. There was a wonderful part of him or her, a loving and nurturing part. There was love for you; there may still be love for you. You may always love that part of your ex.
How do you honor the connection to your ex? Honor your love and connection in prayer, in your heart, in your thoughts, and in your actions. Use the gift of the connection as an inspiration to find more of that kind of love in your future partners.
When you are ready, send thoughts of peace, healing, and joy to your ex whenever thoughts of your past relationship cross your mind. Whenever you miss him or her, send him or her your love. In this way you can still love him or her, while keeping your distance and protecting yourself from his or her hurtful behavior.
You may be hesitant to do this. You may be afraid that it will make you go back into the relationship with your ex. But understand I am not saying your ex-partner will change and become more of what you wanted. Most likely, your ex will remain exactly as he or she is, at least as far as you are concerned.
The reason to honor your connection is not to somehow bring your ex-partner back. Instead, by honoring the good of the relationship, you become free of the anger you feel towards him or her. By honoring the gifts he or she gave you, instead of focusing on what he or she did not give you, you will begin to feel peace and gratitude.
Remembering that your ex came as a complete package, combining the very good with the intolerably bad, will give you the strength to not go back into that relationship. And freeing yourself of anger at your ex will give you the ability to move on and deeply love another person.
If you need help: If you are having trouble letting go of a relationship, I can help you in a private Advice & Coaching Session. I guarantee that you will experience more peace and clarity, and less attachment towards your ex. Set up or find out more about a coaching session.
From the Heart,
on November 13, 2005 @ 2:09 am
The title: How to let your ex go. caught my attention and the write up really hit the nail on the head.
I never felt more loved than I’d felt with my ex. He proposed, I wore the ring (for which he’d made 5 payments on - yet it cost less than his cheapest pair of shoes), we talked about getting old together, there was going to be a whole beautiful future that is now never going to happen.
He had a jelousy problem. I wasn’t willing to account to him every minute I was not in his presence. He turned up with hickies — got into my bed and took his shirt off in the middle of intercourse. That’s when the 3 year relationship ended.
I’ve been single for three years now. I still feel too angry to move on and trust.
The guy before the last one left me for drugs and alcohol. That lasted a year and I was single for 3 years afterwards. The one before that admitted he molested children (in court he euphemized: ‘childhood-sexual-experience’ .) That one was a 2 year long thing, I was single for a year after it.
I could believe that the last guy would have given me the moon and stars if he could have. The two before that - nah.
It’s hard to believe any of them hurt me unintentionally.
The last two did have some ‘wonderful’ to their characters. The other one was near on pure hell.
The most recent ex helped me to realize my sexuality, and beauty. The man before him was really gentle, communicative, and never abrasive in the least. The pedophile brought my life fear and helplessness, but a wonderful daughter came from that union.
I realize now, becuase of this article that I need to forgive and send thoughts of peace, healing, and joy to them - for my sake.
I loved the last guy and still do, as you article so perceptively worded. The one before him was a kind of safety shield between me and the pedophile - whose family became a lot less aggressive towards me when I was no longer single. When I was in the relationship with the pedophile there had been a large number of disreputable men oggling me. I didn’t know it was because of a bet bettween the pedophile and them — about who could go out with me.
I don’t want any of them back.
I do want to become free of the anger. I deserve peace and gratitude. I deserve a deeper love than I’ve experienced thus far with someone else.
Your article really put a perspective on my situation. I see that there isn’t something wrong with me, It is possible that I’m not somehow marked for recognition by horrible men. It is possible I can be happy in a relationship.
on November 13, 2005 @ 10:21 am
Dear Elizabeth, thank you for sharing your story and for your wonderful comments. It sounds like you are now on your way to recovery and peace.
on November 13, 2005 @ 6:19 pm
After reading this article, I felt an inner sense of peace.
You see, after having been married to a wonderful man with certain characteristic deficiencies, I now feel that it’s ok to be where I’m at. Our relationship was ending a slow and painful one. It took two years of me seriously contemplating leaving or staying.
And it was the most difficult decision to make, because I knew beyond a doubt he loved me and still does. I did too. The sad part was he could only treat me well part of the time.
By this I mean, he was emotionally unable to respond to my needs and whenever I approached him or told him I needed to be held, or just shown some tenderness, he just couldn’t. And knowing that the beautiful part of him who made me laugh till my sides hurt, just couldn’t connect with the emotion of tenderness made it such a challenge between us.
I knew I had always wanted a relationship where I could laugh and stay up with the person all night talking if we cared to…and this was the case with my ex.
I also knew that I wanted someone who would remember little things that were important to me, like telling me I’m beautiful, bringing me coffee in the mornings, asking me out on ‘dates’, or even just tenderly caressing my hair…and this was never the case. He always forgot anniversaries and never remembered my birthday, and rarely bought me gifts of love…where three times in our 7 years of marriage he told me I was beautiful. Not anymore than that.
And after a time of being with someone and days like valentine’s day, birthdays, anniversaries (wedding), or christmas do start to count when the words “I love you” are a very rare thing to hear.
And so with a growing distance (he often withdrew and could not share his emotions - where to the end he did not speak to me for three months) and a heavy heart, I knew I couldn’t stay, that it wasn’t good for me.
After almost one year of being on my own and moving across the country, I am finding I miss our moments of laughter, his crazy humour and teasing comical ways. I don’t miss anything else because I never felt I had it…still I miss him, he was a friend I cared for deeply and still do.
So with reading this article, I understand that going back for me is not my answer (I had started thinking of it!! I thought I was losing it!!) and that I’m normal in the sense of every word in your article! Thank you for redirecting my focus to where it needs to be…honoring that memory of him, and honoring that memory of what we once were.
on November 14, 2005 @ 3:50 am
Dear Rinatta
You are totally amazing. I couldn’t believe it how you summed up so accurately my relationship with a man which unfortunately lasted for approx. 10 years of my life - from 35-45. (These were the last of my child raising years and I never had a child which I wanted so much).
I thought this man and I were destined to be together, and I loved him beyond words. I kept hoping he would commit himself to me and that we could set up home together and raise a family. But he did not want to go down this path with me (and I believe it now) or anyone else for that matter. Today, he is still single, 5 years after I broke off with him, finally, in my mind. During the ten years, I separated from him on countless occasions often for many months (longest 8 months)when I would try to meet and date other men but nothing ever came of that. Of course nothing could compare to his love for me or my love for him. The way he loved me was (as you so rightly wrote) the way I deep down wanted to be loved. The hardest thing in the world is when you can’t believe that a person who really loves you does not want the same things as you - permanence, building a home together, children, a dog perhaps to take out on Sunday trips to the sea etc etc et. All he wanted was his space, his freedom, a committment to eachother but not to a shared life. He loved me strongly and still says he does. It was an insane relationship that only now I can think about without going nuts with frustration, anger, disbelief and profound despair.
Only recently have I started to be able to treat him as a friend (he would still do anything in his power to help me - at any time). I realize now that if I can’t have with him the kind of life I longed for, we can at least help and support eachother as friends do.
on November 14, 2005 @ 9:09 am
Just what I needed to see today. I am actually in a relationship with someone I love and cherish but still has what I think to be an unhealthy relationship with his ex. She still is in love with him and has practically admitted that to me and he feels guilty for breaking her heart. I am left in the middle trying to work on a future with him but feeling like he still has one foot in the past trying to make her ok with their breakup which happened over a year ago. I’m not sure what to do.
I think I need to give him space to work on those unresolved issues, but he says he doesn’t think there are any and that their friendship is perfectly normal. Neither of us can continue to live this way. Does he have to make a choice? Can we have a future while he’s still so close to her?
It’s good to know I’m not the only person going through this. I don’t want to lose him over this but I don’t see how we could possibly move on until he is ready to let her go. It makes me very sad b/c I really think he could be the one. I guess if he is time will tell. But now the only thing I can do is walk away.
on November 14, 2005 @ 11:33 am
You and others talk about letting go… walking away. But how do you actually do that? How do I not answer the phone when all I want to do is answer it. How do I not pick her up at the airport next Wednesday when I live for that day? She loves me and was never abusive but is not in love with me anymore. She loves my company. She calls me everyday… so how do I not answer the phone when I want to? How do I not want??
How do I let go when I don’t want to but am not getting what I need, want and deserve.
on November 14, 2005 @ 2:17 pm
Rinatta,
I have been praying for an answer to my dilema for sometime. Today I open your newletter and there it was. It has been four years since I ended my relationship with the man I know is truly my soulmate. He has moved on and is now living with another. Over the years I have been haunted with thoughts of foolishly ending the relationship, guilt and pain. I think of him daily and to make it worse the he met his new love where we all worked. I recently learned after our first conversation in four years that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side and that there are major health (on her part) and financial issues. Since then I have been on a crusade of thought of how we can get back togethr and and how thing could be. This only keeps me in a state of emotional supension and feeling bad that another day goes by that his relationship hasn’t finally crashed and burned. Even if that does happen there’s no indication that he would be interested in me. I’m stuck in hoping against hope and I hate it. I know have have to let go and move on. I can’t go back and do things differently. He’s been so wonderful since the breakup christmas gifts every year,birthday wishes and always checking to see that things are going well with me. That’s why I fell in love with him, he’s a wonderful, care, and generous person. I desparately need to move on and heal. Your article was a blessing.
Sincerely,
Mary
on November 14, 2005 @ 3:24 pm
Dear Mary, thank you for your note. I hear your pain and I am sorry you hurt. Sending you a big hug. Know that you can move on and that you should move on. Being stuck in the past will not give you the love you want.
Know that I can help you move on, if you want the help. Be well and happy
on November 14, 2005 @ 5:26 pm
thanks for the helpful information, i was the person who was cheated on…involved with my ex for 18 years now.you just wonder how they act like they have no heart….mine told me the day he left….i was the best friend (out of all his friends,and there were lots)that hed ever had!! He didnt know why he was leaving it wasnt me its him….this is a phrase that hasnt sat well with me for years….i sat and wondered what i did, how i caused this….fact is i still cant convince myself it wasnt me..
thanks for any input that numbs the pain…….i am a strong person i am getting over it…..slowly
on November 14, 2005 @ 5:35 pm
Wow - this was an excellent article to read. Now 15 mos since my breakup with mr. right/turned out to be mr. Noncommitt. I spend less and less time thinking about him now then I did..It hurt for a long time…never thought before about ending my life, but after he broke it off - i did - I’m ok now and I truly liked Rinetta way of forgiving and releasing - I know I deserve better than he could have ever given me - but when it was good - it was GOOD!
I am now dating a new guy, and I pray that I truly give him a chance. He is the opposite of my ex and I truly know he is showing me and meeting all my needs. I like being a part of this website. Love after 40 is a difficult road.
Thanks -
on November 15, 2005 @ 12:31 pm
It’s very interesting that I received this today. I know it’s a very universal theme, but how you described the relationship totally fits my past one. And, I must say, he’s ‘the one that got away’.
In fact, I left. I left because for almost 3 years we’ve been back and forth, and all the times we got back he found a way of hurting me.
We had a great connection, but really, I left because the good things were nothing compared to the bad ones.
The whole story is long, but I can make it short just by summoning all the problems: bisexuality, cheating, mental disease (he used to have serious psychotic crisis, all of them violent), drug and alcohol abuse…
The funny part is I know he loved me, and I loved him deeply.
Recently, he moved to Canada. Now he says that he has changed. That he found out that I’m the ONE. He says he regrets and hates all he has done to me.
I can’t believe him. I have good reasons to do so, but I still can’t.
I’m dating a great, REGULAR guy, and I’m in love with him… But he’s leaving soon. He’ll leave in the very moment my ex will be coming back.
I’m in love with my boyfriend, but I do love my ex. I’m afraid that if he catches me alone, I’ll end up getting back together with him… and get hurt again.
I believe he is my soulmate, but I can’t believe in him anymore.
on November 16, 2005 @ 5:22 pm
Thank you for this article. It came at a right time when I needed this the most.
I just learned days ago that my ex is in love with someone else. He has liked a coworker for the longest time and during his last day at work he asked her out. He’s happily in love he tells me. Things are really good between the two of them. I was shocked and it broke my heart to hear this news. I need to let go.
I have had the hardest time letting go. It’s been a little more than a year since we broke up and we have hung out as friends since. Even as friends, we have always left our definition of our current relationship somewhat ambiguous until now…never discussing anyone we have been dating. I guess I was still hoping we would get back together and I don’t know what his reasons were for doing this. So, his news came as a shock to me. It was all new to me.
He was good to me during our relationship. He’s a gentle loving man who deserved more than I can give him. I couldn’t make him happy because of my hurt past so I held back alot especially my affection. I was really guarded. But when I was ready to give him more, he decided I was not ‘the one’ for him and he gave up on me and decided to be just friends. So, to me, he’s ‘the one that got away’ and I have been holding on to what could have been if I had done things differently-being less guarded. I am angry at him for giving up on me and not giving me another chance; angry at him for not telling me that my behavior had bugged him instead of allowing me to think everything was okay and thinking that he really loved me and was being extremely patient with me;angry at how didn’t want the relationship with me anymore and just wanted friendship without any discussion as to what lead to that decision. He took the coward’s way out by waiting for me to ask him where we were. He had admitted he had strung me along for two months after he knew I was not’the one’. The problem with our relationship was a huge lack of communication. As I am writing this down, I am just realizing how I am still very angry at him and I have never really got past this.
Now that he has found that special someone, I need to let go and this article helps me understand how and why. Thanks-
on November 20, 2005 @ 7:45 pm
OK…the how to let go piece…definitely caught my eye…as I am desperately searching for some release of the insanity that lingers with the obsession of someone you thought was “THE ONE”…because you have never felt that way before…and they seemed so perfect….but what happens when the other person lets you go…and you can’t get over it?….and you can’t stop thinking of them…or trying something to get them back? which only causes them to pull away more…what makes you think you will ever feel that way again…I am sure a lot of it is…trust…and self love…two of which…I have surrendered to…and lost…and now…I just want to change…to be better…and to NOT have any feelings for this person…and to be free of the bondage of them in my head….and heart…
help,
judi
on December 3, 2005 @ 10:23 am
When I was 34, I met a beautiful 18 year old girl and we began what was a four year relationship. During that time we bought a house and had a beautiful baby girl, who is now one and a half years old. The final year of our relationship became very strained and my partner would beg me to change - show more interest in her - often being reduced to tears. My standard response used to be along the lines of, ‘If you’re not happy, go and find someone else’. She always used to reply by saying, ‘But I dont want anyone else - I want you’. I never expected her to go off and I think that hearing her say she wanted me gave me a sense of empowerment and indespensibility. Either way, it was a foolish thing to say, because I never really meant it and - inevitably - she took the advice and responded to the advances of another man, who she has been seeing now for about three months, and she has moved into her own place. But what is incredibly hard is that if I call her and she is with this other guy, she will say, ‘Stop bothering me - its over between us’. But then, next day she will call to say that she still doesn’t know what she wants and needs more time to decide if we should try and work things out. She says she still has feelings for me and still loves me, yet she is still seeing this other guy. Do you think we might get together again - and if we did, how could we handle things. I do still love her very much.
on December 11, 2005 @ 6:56 pm
Well, I must say that it seems as though the boat that everyone else is in here has plenty of room for me. 4 1/2 year on and off relationship which yeilded the most beautiful little girl anybody has ever seen in their lives. I did and still do so deeply love this woman. The woman who I believe, after 4 months of intense research, suffers from borderline personally disorder. We have been apart for 4 months which resulted in a huge mess. From having her arrested for harassment, to CPS getting involved do to suspected child abuse to monthly custody/order of protection battles. I did absolutely everything I could possibly do to please her including allowing her to destroy my self-esteem. Nothing ever sustained her satisfaction. There was always something I was not doing good. I am forbidden to communicate with her but she continually calls me, im’s me, emails me and leaves away messages directed to me. I just can’t let go of this woman even knowing that our relationship was so dysfuntional (do to me of course). She refuses therapy but I think the reason that I can’t let go is that I keep remembering how absolutely terrific our love and relationship was for about the first year. I guess I just feel so strongly that with the proper therapy, she will eventually become that terrific woman again and we could be back together and happy forever. Seeing that Rinatta Piries has not really offered anyone particular advise concerning their spicific issues, I don’t expect her to offer advise to me either. I guess it is still good for the soul to vent. I wish everyone here the best of luck getting over their ex’s. Thanks for reading my short story. There is so much more……….
on December 12, 2005 @ 11:26 am
Ray
it would seem to me that your little girl needs to have her mommy be well, so that if you do suspect mental illness I would urge you to insist on a doctor’s visit for your ex the sake of your daughter. And if you right, perhaps you will get your whole family back as a result.
Good luck.
Love Coach Rinatta Paries
on December 28, 2005 @ 6:01 am
I am so very happy that I found this article this morning ….
I am in the process of letting go of a very destructive marriage with my husband. He and I met over a year ago and during a short courtship I fell madly in love with this man. He became my world, I ate, slept, breathed … he was the reason the wake up every single day. Slowly I began to lose interest in my family and friends. I have 2 children from a prior marriage and he began to come in between them as well. As time progressed within the relationship, only a short month to be exact, I found out that he had a addiction to heroin. He basically force fed me the same drug that was destroying his life … I became more bound, more tied, more caught up in this web of manipulation, lies and abuse. I tried to stop using the drugs, went into programs, got clean and I would become stronger, leave him alone - then I would fall for his usual lines - ” I am sorry, I never mean’t to hurt you, you mean more to me than any drug, please come back to me. ” I would go back to him over and over, thinking if only if I paid more atttention to him, bought him more gifts, gave more sexual favors, etc. that I could “fix” his problems. During the past Spring, he went to jail for some drug related charges, he wrote letters and made phone calls saying that he had found God and he was a changed man. So in turn I began to nuture and care for him again …. little did I know at the time that I was about to destroy what was left to life as I knew it. He was released for a two week time period from jail, on probation, he violated for abuse of drugs, during that two week time frame he once again force fed me the drugs. He proposed to me, saying that if I became his wife he would and could stop the abuse of the heroin. So, because I wanted so much for this to work, for him to become a different man, I married him. His wedding gift to me was a needle in my arm, a overdose. Since he knew that he was going to be in trouble with probation, I hid him in my home from the law until one day they came with a warrant and took him back to jail. I was left alone with a habit, very sick, no money, hardly any belongings… just alone, broken hearted and very hurt. I went away to a treatment program and began to rebuild my life. The first step I took was filing for a divorce, I started the process of letting go. It lasted a whole 3 months. He would write and write to me, begging and pleading with me the whole time to just forgive him, that things would be different. I was alone, lonely, scared …. I was unhealthy myself. So I stopped my divorce proceedings and went back into my marriage full speed ahead. I lost 8 months of my life since his last incarceration. He would forbid me to leave my home for any reason. I wouldn’t leave to buy food or anything. Any monies that I had I had to give to his commissary account so he could have what he needed. I would visit him two times per week, each time he would become verbally abusive and I would leave in more and more pain. The bills, the abuse, the drugs he was demanding for me to bring to him … all of it … became too much for me to handle. I woke up one morning, I was due to pay him a visit. I decided not to show up. To move forward with my life in face of my fears of not being loved and being alone. Sure my heart is broken in pieces and my dreams are shattered, I just hold on taking each minute, each day .. one day at a time. I pray for strength to stay away from this man. I pray that I can come to terms with whatever I may have to deal with within my own personal life, so I don’t choose another relationship such as this.
I just wanted to share my story, as well as to let you know that I found this article very helpful this morning. I wish you peace and blessings. Thank You.
on December 30, 2005 @ 12:28 am
Dear Doreen
Thank you for your story and I wish you clarity and strength on your path to recovery.
on January 11, 2006 @ 4:35 pm
At age 22 I met the girl of my dreams. We shared our lives completely and I never thought of ever loving anyone else. Then an old boyfriend of hers appeared and we were over. About a year later I married someone else.
Fast forward 25 years.
I have found that old girlfriend via the internet, we talk almost daily and email everyday. While she is single, I am still married. I have seen her several times when I travel on business to her city. Nothing physical, just dinner and being together.
For the past 25 years the memories of her have been buried deep in my mind. Now they are back and I would do anything for her, if I was 100% sure of her, I would leave my wife today, even though my wife has been supportive and loyal all these years. I have never loved my wife the way I did the girlfriend. I know its not fair, but it is the truth.
I just can’t shake the ex-girlfriend from my memories. No matter how hard I try it haunts me. So losing the one you think is your soulmate is a never ending trail of hoping that someday you will be together again.
If nothing else I thought I had closed the door, only to find it open again.
on January 12, 2006 @ 4:01 am
Hey everyone,
I supose it somehow makes me feel better to know that all around the world, a lot of people are going through the same things, or pretty much, as I am going through right now. My love story has lasted 9 years, but in difficult conditions. We met, we were 16, we fell in love straight away and saw each other everyday. I think, at that time, I was more mature than him, and some of the things he did made me feel bad…i have never been called “sweetheart or anything like that” and hardly heard that I was pretty in 9 years…but I truly and deeply felt loved and loved back. Everything was fine for 4 years. We had a good relationship, with a whole lot of love around us. Then came the moment I had to go abroad and study…I left home, he couldn’t come with me, and we decided to stay together. After 6 months apart, things started to become difficult. He was really jealous, and would go crazy everytime I would go out. I came back to my country at the end of that year, and had a terrible car accident in which I lost my mother. He was the first person I called, and we started going together again, I went back to uni, he came with me for 6 months, it was an amazing moment. Then, he left to study in Europe. I was on the other side of the world. But we still decided to stay together, and saw each other every 6 months in our country. However, there was one problem…after I lost my mum, i needed to be strong to keep studying far from my family and friends. And to do that, i protected myself from “hurtful” feelings, and started living in my own world to achieve what I had started. He gave me a lot of love, I couldn’t give back, and year after year, it became worse…I didn’t know when I was sad, or happy, couldn’t say I love you anymore, just couldn’t experience any emotion at all. I stayed in that state for 3 years, but he never let go…and I did hurt him a lot, and I was hurting too, and could not express myself. I never had any other men during this time, cause I knew I loved him, but it was getting hard after 4 years apart. At the beginning of 2005, I came back home with my degree to live. He stayed for 5 months before going back to Europe. And this is when we decided that it had to stop…he left in July 2005, not knowing whether he wanted to come back home for good…he had started to lose hope in us I supose and I understand because he was giving so much and not getting what he deserved back. We decided to stop calling or emailing each other until december…these months were really hard, but I guess it gave me time to work on myself, feel better and start expressing my emotions again. I was ready for any sacrifices when he came back. When I saw him, I realised how much he meant to me, and how much I loved him. We saw each other a lot during 2 weeks, without anything happening, and he told me he had decided to come back for good in July 2006…this is when I started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. One week later, he told me those words that announce nothing good “I need to talk to you but I don’t know how I am going to tell you that…I am going out with another girl, and she is coming next week for the holidays and will come to live with me in July”! And here is the moment when you whole world is falling apart. He told me he still loved me, but needed to be loved…which he deserves. She came here, and I’ve had for the past 2 weeks to live with the fact, that I am no more “the one” but just the “ex”. She is coming back to live with him in July, and I am so shocked! I supose it’s too soon to start feeling better…but I don’t want to let go, I don’t want to lose him after all those years of holding on waiting for the day we would finally be together…here comes that day, but there’s another girl now…and I just don’t know right now how I am going to survive to this. I would rather spend my whole life fighting with him than make love to someone else. There’s nothing I can do now, he tells me he doesn’t know what willhappen until July, but I know that he is doing everything he can for her to come here this year and live with him. How to let go the person you have waited for for so many years, and have pictured your life with. I can’t find comfort in this article…I supose not yet, but I can’t find comfort in anything else right now. I have lost so many kilos in just a few weeks, and can’t stop myself from messaging him, and begging not to let go, so close to what we had been waiting for…
Here is my story…I supose, i get what I deserve, but I never did anything to hurt him intentionally…I was just in a terrible state of I dont know what it’s called..but I really do love him with all my heart. Now, learning from this, sure I did…but it’s to him that I want to give all this love back…
It’s a terrible feeling…
Just hope whatever happens, happens for the best…
Thanks for your stories and all the best to everyone…
on January 14, 2006 @ 12:47 pm
Recently, I have had contact with an ex who 10 years ago was my first love and the person I thought was the one. Needless to say, our relationship ended at his hands,and at the time he was inlove with me and I with him and to this day he can’t really explain why.., except that he regrets it, feels terrible for it and wonders what could have been. Up until recently I hadn’t spoken with him in almost 9 years, during which time I have married a wonderful caring man and have a beautiful son…..but throughout that 9 years I continued to have thoughts about him and wondered how he turned out ( we dated at 22/23). I thought if I just found out how he was and how his life turned out I would stop wondering..but that didn’t become the case. What started innocently enough over a how are you email, quickly turned into something as we tried over email and the phone to figure how to be friends and keep in touch, getting closer with each communication. Nothing physical happened but emotionally it has. He still has feelings for me, and is also “happily” married…and everything I felt about him has resurfaced, but the whole time I have been confused and torn. I began thinking about him all the time and couldn’t wait to speak to him again or read his email, but at the same time felt guilt for what I was doing secretly from my husband, who I also love and worrying about hurting him. It has been extremely difficult because I shared some of the most beautiful moments of my life with this person…but as your article stated…I also shared some of the worst, because at the time when we were together, he was 100% what I wanted 30 % of the time, and the rest of the time he seemed unreachable and would find ways to pull away, and I often ended up it tears. He says he has worked through those issues and come out on top. I guess parts of me believe if he truly has then maybe it could work…but I never before this doubted how my life turned out or who I ended up with. Both my ex and I are married to people we also love, I have a child..he and his wife have no desire to have children. Over the last two months, the moral struggle and confusion I have felt got too much for me and was affecting my day to day productivity and sanity. About a week ago, I put a stop to our communication..I know we need emotional distance .. and we have to do the right thing, not just for the two of us but for our spouses as well., he agrees and understands, but it is very hard for both of us right now, because if our realities were different things would be different with us at this point. We are hoping that after some space and emotional distancing that maybe a couple times of year we can just let each other know how we are. Before that is possible though I need to let go of any thoughts of us ever together again. I am having trouble letting go of him, because I thought I had, but the recent events showed me that 10 years and thousands of miles didn’t change a whole lot. I don’t want my marriage to end, I love my husband and I know I can’t have both, but I am still struggling with how to let the it and the ex go. The article has helped me understand a little more about why I feel the way I have, but how do you actually do it?
on May 2, 2006 @ 8:30 am
I thought I was the only one! I think we all do really don’t we.
I met my ONE when I was 17, and the week before I met him I had just got engaged to my husband. He was with another, as was I and I don’t think we really ever had a chance. The chemistry was there, but most of all there was the sense of rightousness and completeness that we both felt with each other. He stayed with his girlfriend and I stayed with my boyfriend. We became best friends who just couldn’t keep away from each other. After 4 years of studying together, I tried to put an end to it when we was leaving University. I didn’t see him for a good half year before we met by chance on the street. We both got jobs out of town but kept in touch by email. He then met someone else and said that we should put a distance between us. That broke my heart. That year on Valentine’s (leap year) I proposed to my boyfriend of now 8 years and we made plans to get married the next year. I told my soulmate that I was getting married. Within two weeks he announced that he was getting married the following year on Valentine’s Day. Oh how Mr Valentine has a lot to answer for.
We arranged to meet up once we had been settled for a number of years with children (maybe to put the past behind us). It was still there. It is still there. We meet from time to time and try and get a lunch in. I still wonder why we never managed it after nearly 20 years but he says that we will be here til we die. How do you deal with that - knowing that you both feel the same but can’t be together? I know I have to live with it. Sometimes I want to cut ties and never talk to him again, but then I know it would hurt too much. Other times, I’m just happy to be in his company and take what we can get.
on May 13, 2006 @ 12:59 pm
it is hard t0 let g0 0f s0me0ne u still l0ve. and u kn0w that he still feels the same. actually.. why d0 y0u even have t0 let g0 right?! if y0u kn0w y0urself that u still l0ve each 0ther..
its true that y0u have t0 deal with their bad side because its part 0f the package.. u are c0nnected t0 the wh0leself..
but h0w am i supp0sed t0 kn0w if he still l0ves me if he`s hurtin me intenti0nally.. f0r revenge.. i d0nt kn0w if this is w0rking.. but 0ur past w0nt let him g0.. i cheated 0n him but i learned my less0n n0w. ive been happy wit him after that and i th0ught he has f0rgiven me.. but i dint kn0w that he`s been keepin that anger and n0w he wanted revenge.. he said that he l0ves me but he just have t0 let g0 0f that anger.. i d0nt kn0w what t0 d0.. what t0 feel.. wh0 t0 c0unt 0n t0.. but i still w0nt give him up because i kn0w thats this is just my karma and i deserve this.. and i want him t0 learn fr0m his mistakes.. like i did. i l0ve him and i w0nt let g0.. is that stupid?! am i just f0oling myself ?!
on June 16, 2006 @ 5:16 pm
It’s amazing and mysterious to see that God allows us to find what we need to find before we lose our minds … I note this was written in 2005 but it’s as if what’s said and recommended was meant solely for me and NOW! I actually made amends and wrote a quick message to the ‘ex to let him know he was in my thoughts and that I thought of him when I heard a song he loved. He later called - we laughed - we spoke a bit and we left the conversation without a doubt in his mind that I was NEVER going to get back with him. I felt empowered! I controlled the mood and kept it nice and light. Fine. Everything was settled. He asked if he could call again, I said “sure” … sure enough, he left a message late at night saying it was nice talking to me and for me to call back. I switched my number that same night. It’s been four months - I am smart, I have reasoned everything out, I know that he can’t FULLY give me what I need … I know that I don’t even want to be with him ever again and would wish him all the luck and love in the world if he were to be with someone else .. I don’t care … yet and still, EVERY SINGLE DAY SINCE I’VE LEFT I think of him and it hurts soooo bad. It’s beyond the ‘what ifs’ or anything else… I just miss him but more than anything I have an empty space in my heart. No need to bore you with the details of what he did or didn’t do but most of what everyone has written pretty much sums it up. I have been dating around, I do anticipate a wonderful life with a wonderful husband and children — yet and still, I KNOW that he was for me .. yet I KNOW I can’t be with him … life isn’t fare and I believe that regardless of the relationships we will be fortunate to have… there is that one, no matter how bad they were for our hearts, that we will ALWAYS smile for and enjoy the bit of sadness in knowing that it just couldn’t be … so while the article was great, it should be noted that these ideas are great to allow you to grow and release your pain BUT the spark and tingles you feel with them can NEVER be replaced and that is the painful aspect of life …
on June 25, 2006 @ 5:29 am
i met the man of my dreams about 6 mos ago we had a whirlwind courtship then got married in a small but very romantic ceremony all of his family and all of mine. I have since found him looking at porn sites daddy’s with little girls and transvestites and all sorts of weird stuff, then recently he said to a guy in a chat room suck my cock then he said get back to me after the guy didnt respond. Then the guy said i am going to kill u then he said fu. I confronted him with this and he said that was his buddy that he was talking to and that they were just joking around should i have cause for concern that my husband that i just married is gay? or bisexual? he confesses his dieing love for me and we have great sex he wants like 3 times a day i dont know what to make of this or him for that matter.
on July 21, 2006 @ 1:04 pm
I was recently dating someone who was not over there ex and I had to end it. Though she is in love with me and I am with her but I just couldn’t continue to put myself in that position anymore. I am still remaining her friend but with no ties in an intimate relationship way. She was in a relationship where she became unhappy because first it was a ready made family and she didn’t want that, 2nd there was a mother involved who was ill and there was never any quality time spent together because of that. Eventually she fell out of love with that person. Now that they have split, they still continue to live together but a move is happening here shortly but it became abusive and they fight all the time. This other person says that they are in love with her but if your in love with someone you don’t hit on them no matter what. I have tried to tell her that no matter what this person says about being in love that is not the case. Those are not actions of being in love. Not to mention that this person is sleeping with others. Again this is not an action of being in love. What do I do? How can I explain it to her so she understands. I want her out of this bad place so she can heal herself and eventaully move forward with life. Please help.
on July 21, 2006 @ 7:16 pm
Damon, you can’t really help a person out of a bad situation until they want out. When it gets bad enough for her, she will get out herself. Until then, you can be patient if you choose to wait for her. However, be ware - people who hang on to abusive relationships usually can’t live with loving relationships. You may be to loving and giving for here and on the basis of that, she may end up rejecting you.
on July 27, 2006 @ 5:09 pm
I have been in a three year relationship, when i first met him I was lost and I felt like he cared enough more than any guy every did. I cheated on him and then he cheated on me. It was a cycle until approximately five months ago. He had got kicked out and stayed at my place for appx a month and then he moved about 1hr away from me. He says that he loves me and that he is not cheating on me. I believe that he does love me, but every time i call him he always says that I am calling him too much and that i am a bother. I honestly feel like our relationship is dwindling. I see him every week and we only have sex once a month. Although i am not cheating on him physically, I feel like mentally I am cheating on him because i have a friend and we talk and he is interested in me. He is waiting on me to leave my boyfriend. These are my questions: 1. Am i wrong for having a mental relationship with another man? 2. Is it worth even being with my boyfriend?
on August 7, 2006 @ 5:17 pm
Hi…i think there is nothing much for me to say consider i am 19 and i am still very young but i did met someone 1 year ago…he make me laugh he make me feel comfortable in my own skin he make me feel secure…and loved….but we fought a lot i mean at least 3 times a week if not more…i have try to break up with him but it seems that i feel everytime no matter how hard i try…i still have feelings for him i am afraid…if i let him go…no one will ever love me again…i went out with some other guys while we are broken up…but they all not the same….they just want to have sexual contact with me…they just not interested loving me at all…like HE is…but i have to let go bec of us always fighting…but i really dont know how…everytime when i see him…i feel like i am about to cry….and it just really frustrating…and sad…and i don’t know how i could get out of this w/o getting extremely hurt…
on September 28, 2006 @ 1:52 pm
So this is common? What I’m feeling is very normal according to what I’ve read here. I thought maybe I had the problem of letting go. I mean hey, he’s obviously fine… he moved on and got married and had a baby… so why can’t I, right? Well, I did move on, I did get married, and I did have a baby. But sometimes I still think about my ex-husband and it runs me down like a freight train. Don’t get me wrong… I know I’m blessed with the husband I have now.
My exhusband was very emotionally abusive. I don’t think he did it on purpose. I just think he didn’t know any better. His childhood was a little rough. He would say the most hurtful things to me and then turn around and say the best things in the world. I knew he was tearing me down to build me back up the way he wanted. I know all of this today… but I still think of him and I still miss certain things about him. And I find myself thinking of the things I miss and then I miss him. Then I think why did I get the divorce? Why didn’t we try again? and again? and again? I let my mind get away with me and then my day is ruined. All because of a thought.
After reading the above article, I’ve come to realize that I’m not over it yet. And it has been 8 years. I’m not healed and I haven’t forgiven and most of all I blame myself. And until I take care of those things I won’t be able to give my “new” family 100% of myself.
Thanks for the inspiring and eye-opening article.
on December 13, 2006 @ 8:00 am
hey my name is ruth and i broke up with my ex about 5 months and i just cant get over him. i feel loke there aint no other guy how do i deal with this?
on January 5, 2007 @ 3:12 pm
I too have been in the same situationg as many of you but I have been hanging on to a man that I grew up with thought that he loved me. We had two kids together and then he left me for my next door neighbor. I should have known something was up when she stopped speaking to me. However, he has been promising me for years that he was leaving her or quote don’t want her, but yet he’s been with her for 5 yrs Iam the stupid one right. Iknow that now. but to make matters worse he got her pregnant and they just had a baby girl and Now my anger for him is twice that of before. I have just been staying away from him not talking to him every since the baby was born. He thinks I have a problem with the baby, but its not the baby its him i want to do things to him so to keep from doing them I stay away. I really am hurt by the birth of this child because now it really complicates things. If I want him I must deal with his child and i am not sure that I can. Does that make me a horrible person?
on May 10, 2007 @ 8:33 am
This article was very powerful. I have needed to hear something like this for a long time. I have been hopelessly in love with my ex since I was 15. Hummm…that means 17 years now. We split when I was 20 and pregnant with his child. He has done some really awful things to me including cheating and abandonning me to raise our child both emotionally and financially.
Why I am stuck on this relationship I can somewhat understand after reading this article.
I see the good side to him and miss what we had. And the bad side makes me furious. He still loves me. He has told me he will always love me. Most people would say that is impossible because when you love someone you dont do such things to them. But I really think he does.
There isn’t any chance we can mend and get back together. It really is done, long ago done. I have dated plenty. My ability to actually fall in love and maintain a relationship seems impossible. I would be surprised if any guy ever lasted even two months. Yet I was with my ex for 5 years and had no difficulty in a long-term situation.
Maybe I will wake up one day and it will no longer pain me so much. I keep hoping.
on May 15, 2007 @ 2:15 pm
oh my God! Thank you very much for posting this article, it has helped me a ton! I was just in a really bad break up, i had been with my high school sweetheart for 4 years now and lived with him for almost 2. Things got really bad lately and he decided he needed to leave. I realized i had been so unhappy with myself that blamed my misery on him, pushing him further every time. Now that he’s gone, i miss him so much, im sad and feel empty, i wish i could do anything to get him back, i feel guilty. I am in a position where i dont know if he would ever give me a chance, its been so hard for me and feel so lonely.. I am willing to change for him, and myself. I dont know what to do or say, please if you have a suggestion or advice, let me know. Sincerely, Lonely.
on June 18, 2007 @ 11:25 am
I was just reading your article trying to find some inspiration and words of wisdom. The only difference in my life is that my husband left me, not the other way around.
Our two year anniversary will be in August, but we have been separated since March and are going through a divorce. I still love him and I want to make things work with him, but sometimes I think I am crazy for wanting that.
To make a long story short, before we were married he cheated on me, we decided to work it out and then about a year after we were married he cheated on me again with another woman. I found out around December that he was cheating. We talked and had agreed to work through it, but he never stopped seeing the other woman, which I was no aware of.
Turns out that in January I find out I am pregnant and we were both very happy. Well, in February, my husband confronts me and tells me that he was still seeing the other woman and that he is not happy and wants to leave.
He moved out on March 1st and told me he was going to be living with a friend to get his head straight. Well it turns out that he moved in with the other woman and her 18 month old daughter. My husband is 33 and she is 22. This broke my heart.
We talk from time to time just able the baby and how I am doing, but I want us to be a family so bad. We have both changed in the time we have been apart and I feel that if we were to start over and take things slow, things would work out again. But he is still living with the other woman.
Please, someone help me out. Am I crazy for wanted to make it work.
on July 27, 2007 @ 2:22 am
Hi,
i am now 29 yrs and my ex-hus is now 34 yrs old.we have been in love for 3 yrs. One day we two decided to get married, so we got married. After one year, we faced problem in our married life and we got divorced. After eight months, i found out that he is still single. One day he called and asked me how i was? After that we started dating once again. I asked him to come back in my life but he didn’t say anything. Even than we kept on seeing eachother coz both of loved each other very much. i asked him to stop seeing me or ignored me coz i believe that just seeing eachother will not be proper way to get into life. you know what he said… he told me that he loves me a lot and he can’t avoid me. One day he told me that he will try to come back in my life since both of us loved very much…. So what u think ?? friends.
on September 5, 2007 @ 11:11 am
I met my ex husband in highschool. We started out as friends and eventually started dating as as couple. I got pregnant when I was 18 and we were married a few months later. I loved him and was ready for a family with him. He loved me also but was not ready and I believe he only married me b/c it was the right thing to do. We stayed married for 5 years and for the majority of it, he would drink all of the time, leave with his friends, wouldn’t keep a job, and just wanted to go and party all of the time. There was a time when we began going to church and things were good. But then I became jealous because he went from avoiding me for his friends to avoiding me for the bible. I was wrong for feeling that way, but I did. Of course, he went back to his old ways. I became angry and bitter and wanted to hurt him the way he has hurt me for five years. I never got gifts or presents for any occasion except once when he needed a reason to cash his paycheck and thought that buying me flowers would legitimize the cause. I adored him with my whole heart and soul and knew that He loved me also, but was unwilling to give up his “wild” ways to make me happy and just be the husband and father that he needed to be. I divorced him in 2001. He acted “ready” when he came to sign the papers as if it was just another day. I also acted as if it didn’t bother me. Time rolled on, he became well known for finding “anything you want”, and drinking and partying, he has slept with different girls. People call him to find drugs. He has made several thousands of dollars when he went to Louisiana to work.(20,000.00 in one month)But yet had nothing to show for it, he shared a camper with two coworkers, pimped out a girl for money, and other disgraceful things. And despite all of these things, I knew the whole time that he was still a good person and that he has qualities that no one knew that he had that made him that good person. I always felt connected to him and hoped that one day he would see the err of his ways and realize that life is so much better when you have love and a family to share it with. I felt like I could bring him back from all of the damage that he has caused for him self and show him that life is wonderful and just as fun without all of the partying and drugs and premiscuity. I’ve carried that burden for a long time, I’m suppose to guide him back to goodness. In the meantime, while he was living it up, I raised our 2 children, and became lonely. I prayed, night after night that God would send me someone to love and that loved me. Well, one day my prayers were answered. A guy down the road, who had a son as well, would ride by alot and eventually he stopped and we began talking. Talking led to dating and dating led to being engaged. He was a wonderful person. He treated me like there was no other and that I’ve made his dreams come true. He would clean, cook, do yard work and all of the things we women only fantasize that our men would do. I never had to ask him to do anything. If I even looked like I needed a foot, neck or back massage, he would give me one. His life was to please me and make me happy. He gave me all of the things that I’ve always wanted from my ex husband. Only, he wasn’t my ex. I cared alot about my fiance and I believe that when my ex came back in town that I began finding things wrong with my fiance just to have an excuse to break up with him and get back with my ex. I hurt my fiance and it hurts me to know that. Well, so now my ex husband and I are “mending” things. I love him but I feel like he has not changed into the man that I want to share forever with. He doesn’t possess the qualities that I loved about my fiance. He says that he has changed, but I’m not sure that those particular changes are enough for me. I thought that I was in love with my ex husband, but I am not so sure now. Even worse than that, I saw my ex fiance at ball practice (our kids go to the same ball park) and he brought a girl that he has been “talking” to. He said that she’s his old highschool sweetheart. Well, he leaned over and kissed her and to my surprise, I had to fight so hard not to bust out in tears because of how bad it hurt me to see that. I imagine this girl getting all of the unconditional love that was once mine. My ex fiance would have roped the moon and given me the world and I feel like I have made the biggest mistake in my life. Now, I can’t bring myself to hurt my ex husband and tell him that despite how he beleives that he has changed alot it just isn’t enough for me. I am afraid that I have lost the best man for me forever all b/c I wanted another shot at an old relationship.
on September 6, 2007 @ 12:50 am
I met this one guy and dated him for 4 months. He was everything I could ask for and more and I guess i fell for him pretty hard because its been 4 years since the break up and until now I can’t seem to get over him completely. It ended because the timing between the two of us wasn’t right and we both were going through a lot of personal problems. So we decided to just break up. But since the break up, he hasn’t left my mind at all and especially my heart. The last time I had any contact with him was the day we broke up. I have to say that I still think of him everyday and just the thought of him and how much fun we had together brings a smile to my face each and every time. Sometimes I get sad though, cause I wish were able to keep the relationship going. But since 4 years has passed, a lot has changed in my life. Every guy i dated after him went down the drain. And this might be mean to say, but he was always on my mind no matter who i dated. I just always had that hope that one day we’d get back together. MOst of the time, I dont want to feel this way, i just want to move on and be happy with someone else or even living the single life. It just doesnt seem that way with me cause I can’t seem to get him out of my head. Was it love that I felt and do i need closure from this to actually move on?
on September 21, 2007 @ 6:48 pm
right now.. i feel confused..but i can still feel my love for my ex.. i don’t hate him.. but i really love him from the bottom of my heart.. i always pray for God to help me.. but still.. i still love him.. i have a boy friend right now.. but i’m not sure if i love him enough.. it seems like i’m still in love with my ex.. i want to see him.. and i want to be friends.. but whenever i’m with my ex.. i just can’t seem to resist my feelings towards him.. what should i do?
on November 20, 2007 @ 5:54 pm
I had someone who I thought was perfect turn out to be incredibly self-protective and immature, romancing me, making out half the night, always kissing goodbye over a few weeks- all the time, then saying “I don’t like you like THAT” like we were 14…. not the first time he had positioned a situation to make somoeone wonder if THEY misunderstood- classic crazymaking behaviour from an alcoholic’s child.
But in my mind for two years leading up to this, I’d dais “if only I could meet someone like him” - he was warma nd kind and smart….. and it tore me up to realize not only was it not going to work out, my whole sense of love and the future (with anyone) had been torn to shreds by what he’d done…. it has been such a painful year trying to get past that- I even dated someone just lovely and ruined that/hurt their ffeelings as a result.
Thank you for your article, I Googled “Giving up on love” today and came across it- maybe things will start to knit themselves back together and one day I’ll be ready to take a chance again after all….. THANK YOU
on December 15, 2007 @ 6:19 pm
I had someone that I really loved.He was everything that I have been searching for.He held me at night,he listened to anything that I had to say.He gave me advice.He helped me in every way. He would get jealous every now and then when he thought that guys were trying to talk to me.I loved that because it used to make me feel like he cared about me.He used to call me every night and we would talk for hours. But then he things began to go down hill.Then he broke up with me. Then he said that we could still be friends but it wasn’t enough for me.I wanted him back.All I do is think about him.And I don’t know how we got to this but we don’t even speak to each other, because every time we see each other I always have something smart to say.It’s like I want to say how I really feel, but I can’t because I feel like he won’t care, so I say something smart as a cover up which he can’t stand, but actually I would really like to have our friendship back. But then again I still want the relationship back.
on December 20, 2007 @ 12:02 pm
I don’t know how I found this today but I’m so glad I did! I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years now. The first year was great! We had so much fun together ALL of the time. I’ve had long relationships in the past but never anything like this one. A remember the exact day that we got into our first BIG fight and ever since then it’s been nothing but downhill. Don’t get me wrong we still have good times and they’re great but they are definitely outweighed by the bad. At first he started getting jealous. Accusing me of everything!! Then he started getting flirty with everyone. I still don’t believe that he ever cheated on me but when we were apart I always wondered if he would. I began to feel like he was always looking for something else, something better than me but at the same time I know he loves me. Confusing isn’t it! So finally I left the relationship. I started dating someone else but it wasn’t the same. And during the time we were broken up it seemed like he went into a serious depression. He even went to see a shrink. We still kept in contact and eventually he convienced me that things would be better so we got back together. Things were great for awhile but soon went back to the way they were. All the fights and hurtful things being said to each other only this time I was saying just as much as he was. It’s like we think of the most hurtful things we can think of and say them to each other. Since the beginning we had talked about moving across the county together and now we’ve done it. Our dreams were finally coming true, or so we thought. We’ve only been out here for 2 months and things are worse than they’ve ever been, worse than I ever thought they could be. Until now I have to admit I blammed him for most things (because it was mostly him in the beginning) however I’ve realized I’m now doing wrong too. We both know it’s best for us to move on and that’s what we’ve decided to do. But I feel like we’ve been though so much together and now they we’ve finally done the one thing we’ve always talked about wanting to do together, we’ve given up. I think that part of me is scared because he’s all I have out here. I haven’t met that many people yet and I have no family out here but even still I don’t want to let him go. The stress level since we’ve been here has been so high. We’ve had to adjust to alot of new things. One of which is not know anyone else but each other. We’ve never been together all of the time before. Are we giving up? Is this someting we can work through. I want to believe it is but I just don’t know. A part of me wants to “see what will happen” but the other part of me wants to let go because I know I probably should but I just can’t do it. I love him so much!! Why can’t I just let him go?
on December 20, 2007 @ 7:43 pm
I just want to give my complete thanks for sharing this incredible piece. After months of scouring the internet, I have found no article that address the problem I’ve had better than this one. I can honestly say I am thankful to have come across it.
In the beginning of this year ( 2007 ), I was recovering from the breakup of a 5 year relationship. I had to move into a new house, buy all new furniture, and basically start over entirely.
By the end of January I had completed all my goals of finding a new house to live in, and furnishing it. What happened in February is something I will never forget for the rest of my life.
I met the most incredible woman, who seemed to be everything I was ever looking for in my love life. She felt the same way too, and our relationship progressed at light speed; until we were spending all our free time together, and had plans of eventually getting married. We introduced each other to our friends, and family, traveled together, and lived a very satisfying life.
But along the way, things started to go wrong. Differences popped up and they proved to be insurmountable. After 6 months, this person that I loved dearly seemed almost impossible to get along with.
We soon broke up as I could not take the emotional abuse she regularly visited upon me. It’s taken me another 6 months to finally feel some closure. We kept in touch, and even made an attempt at getting back together that failed miserably.
The best lesson I can learn from this is not sacrifice everything you want in another person, even though you have love in the relationship. As this article says, you cannot make the person be everything you want them to be. She did give me all she was capable of giving, which was a lot. She welcomed me into her life fully. Which made it very hard to write her off.
I have moved on, and have dated many women since then. But as you say, true connection never dies. I will always miss my Julie, and always think of her in a loving way. Even though we will not be together, I wish that she find the man of her dreams, as I have the same hope for myself.
Thanks again for writing such a meaningful essay. It really meant the world to me.
on January 9, 2008 @ 9:51 pm
When I read this article, I really cried. I realized how i’m making my boyfriend suffer. I never felt he loves me. But I’m still hoping that he will someday. But as of now I am only hurting myself believing in such. I wanted to let go. But i don’t know how. Sometimes, I just wanted to die because of the hurt he is giving me and yet he always says that it’s a simple thing it doesn’t matter. Please help me. I really wanted to be at peace…..
on June 18, 2008 @ 10:04 am
Not sure if anyone will even see this considering how long it’s been since the last posting. I hope someone does though.
I was married to(what I thought was)the man of my dreams for 5 yrs…together for 7yrs. He is a wonderful man and we had a great relationship. It took some years to realize that we served our purpose with each other. Yes I thought it would last forever, but he wasn’t the one ultimately. We helped each other grow up and learn things about ourselves, and when we were done it was over. It seemed that I had failed at a marriage, and I wanted so desperateely to hold on. There is life after a lost love…
My ex and I have kept in touch over the last 3 years since our divorce. I thought since we were best friends while we were married we could continue a healthy friendship. A few months ago I had to stop the communication between us. My ex admitted that he still loved me and regreted his decision. I thought I would be happy about what he was saying, but it was a little upsetting. I was finally over him, and i couldn’t bare the thought of him hurting like I did. He was angry when I told him that I didn’t think we should talk anymore. I’m in a relationship with an amazing man now. I told him when we first got together that I still carried on a friendship with my ex, and he was okay with that. I realized it would be disrespectful to my current relationship to keep what I thought was a friendship…in reality my ex has been holding on to our past in hopes of me coming back to him. Once I made the decision, and dealt with his anger towards me for it, I felt the biggest weight lift off my shoulders. I’m at peace with what the relationship was and is now. I’ve moved on completely and I’m fully able to love deeply and enjoy my future no matter what is in store.
So the morale is it is hard to get over the past, but you can and will move on.
on June 18, 2008 @ 3:10 pm
Dear Angel, thanks for your comment. Your story is inspiring. It is hard to let go but when you do miracles happen.