Comments on: How To Let Your Ex Go

By: Lauren

Lauren — Sun, 16 May 2010 21:54:39 +0000

I just thought this comment was so sad and someone not giving themselves enough credit. You will find love again but only if you believe yourself you will. Because if you don’t believe you will, you don’t let yourself open up to the possibilities to fall in love. Thats what is so amazing about life, it surprizes you , sometimes bad and sometimes good. Sounds like u are due for a good surprize and it will happen just believe in it!

By: Missy

Missy — Wed, 05 May 2010 16:19:19 +0000

Loved the article and some of the posts by readers. I was in a ten (10) month platonic relationship with a childhood friend I had reconnected with after seeing his Mom’s obituary in the newspaper. He was happily married with children and I was happily single and content. When I went to several crisises in my life within a short period of time I chose him to lean on. I’m a religious person and our relationship felt like a Godsent. He was just the person I needed to have in my life during my time of need. We never met in person. I just communicated with him via e-mail. He was a safe outlet and I considered him expendable although I thoroughly enjoyed using him as a confidant, quasi-therapist and friend without benefits except flirting. I started falling for him and told him so. I wrote a “Goodbye” letter and explained things to him. I was in anquish and missed the relationship so I prayed about and wanted to establish a long-term friendship with him. I was never dishonest with him and he was never dishonest with him. I knew we could never be anything more than friends. I got bored one day and got on Facebook and started sending messages to people who were acquaintances and associates of acquaintances and so on. I probably sent messages to about twenty people. One of the people I sent a message too was my friends wife. I complimented him and her and thought it was a nice, cordial message. Minutes after sending the message I got an angry message from my online friend stating that he was absolutely appalled that I had contacted his wife and mentioned that I’d been fliritng online with him and that he never wanted me to contact him again. I was shocked and blown away by his response. I apologized and asked for forgiveness and cried a bucket of tears. I read many, many articles about the subject of getting over a relationship and consulted friends too. I knew that the relationship was over but I did not want to let it go. Even after accepting the fact that the end had come suddenly, abruptly and by surprise I knew that there was nothing that could be done to fix things or make them right. I knew that I had no control over the situation and all I could do was pray. Pray I did and cry I did. It was only after I realized that the reason I hadn’t let go was because I didn’t really want did the healing begin. I cried so much that it affected my health and body, but in a positive way. My blood pressure actually went down to normal levels. My energy level increased. I was thinking clearly and making plans for my future. I had to get a grip on myself because one of the first things I wanted to do was contact him and “Thank” him for dumping me but I restrained from doing so because he’d asked me to. For someone who was only an online friend I missed him profusely and had grown more attached to him emotionally than I intended or anticipated. I’m glad in a way that he put a stop to the relationship because in hindsight I see that I was aimlessly floating out into dangerous territory and was getting in over my head. A friend heard about my plight and came over to comfort me. She asked me, “If that man had asked you meet him to have sex, would you have complied?” I had to think about the question for a few minutes before I could answer her. After searching my heart I felt pathetic and contrite because I probably would have ruined my reputation and the reputation of a good man whom I admired and respected if he’d had a weak moment. I wasn’t as strong, saved and sanctimonious as I thought I was I realized to my dismay. Even though I now understand why my former friend had become angry and dismissed me from his life, I still missed him and the platonic relationship I’d enjoyed these past months. The enormity of my loss hit me like a tornado. My heart was broken into a million pieces. I felt regrets that I had been so naive’, nonchalant and foolish but at the same time I felt blessed ironically. Even though it was not my choice to let go of the relatioship, I had to let it go and become a part of my past. Instead of having a relationship all I had to cherish was a memory. Instead of letting go because I’d been cut loose, I would have to let go by an act of my will. There was a time when I wanted to kick myself because I changed my mind after saying “Goodbye” the first time and tried to have my cake and eat it too per se. Then I realized that beating myself up would serve no useful purpose. What happened had happened, period. I couldn’t go back and erase anything or change anything. I’m finally smiling again although I know there are still a few more tears remaining inside that I must release when they swell up. I’m still tempted to contact him, but I’m not going to do so. I’m going to let go, forgive him, forgive myself and be grateful for an experience which has left me a stronger, happier, renewed person. I can honestly say that I NEEDED to have that good cry and I’m a better person because I allowed myself to trust someone enough to be open, vunerable and be hurt. When I fell, I fell hard. When I hurt, it was painful. When I cried, it was cleansing. When I got up, I no longer needed a crutch. It felt good while it lasted, but I don’t want to go backwards. It’s all behind me now. I’m not going to carry that baggage into my future. That’s too heavy of a load. Some people have wind beneath their wings. I had tears to lift me up. Some people had a friend to pull them up in their time of need. I had a friend to cut me loose in my time of need and that was exactly what I needed. I can’t help but to praise and “Thank God” for this particular person who came into my life. He was not meant to be a friend, a companion or even a guide, but he served his purpose. He was a welcome guest who didn’t overstay his welcome. One whom I enjoyed fellowshipping with but who couldn’t stay because he had a home elsewhere, not with me. So, I’m gladly waving “Goodbye” and blowing kisses at my dear guest as I let him go on down the road even though he can’t hear it or receive it. Goodbye Walter!

By: Deanna

Deanna — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 14:40:46 +0000

I was in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years. The first year we were together we traveled to so many places, talked for hours on the phone or over coffee in some little hole in the wall place and enjoyed every moment we had. I ached when he was out of my sight. He was fresh out of a divorce and so was I. I felt like I had been awakened and had truly not lived life until we met. The passion we had (and could have now but…) was something I have never experienced.
Then after a tragic event that completely changed our lives occured, he became someone I did not recongize. I mourned for that former life and the happiness I felt. I now had to share him between so many other people and I was no longer a priority (maybe #5 or 6 if I think about it). He was angry and withdrawn. After 2 years of that my body couldn’t take it and I became very sick. I have not been the same for the last year but we continued to be together somewhat because of my fear of being completely alone. We would spend a few days a week together and I would fall off the cliff again emotionally when he left. I wanted him all the time but he was not capable of doing that. This week I received a letter from him breaking up with me. All of those dreams of kids and marriage are gone. Dreams that I should have with someone who is present in my life anyway not someone who is there 30%. My family is not supportive and I barely have any contact with them and now, without him, I wonder how I will get through. We talked every day on the phone and emailed many times a day. I know this will be the hardest thing to let go of but I have no other option. I wish that things would have been different but as Elizabeth Gilbert says in Eat, Pray, Love, I have to “stop wearing my wishbone where my backbone oughtta be”.
This article helped me a lot. I will be printing it off and reading it again and again. Thank you!

By: misty

misty — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 07:15:57 +0000

letting go… my friend said let go of my ex.. but how could i??? i love him for years and waited for him to go back…then when i saw him, he is not ready for me. it was so devastating…. i tried to say goodbye but the pain is killing me… i know no one can help me but myself…. if only i could share my feelings to the peole around me. but i cant.. im also married and in bad relationship…

By: HELP- desperately to let go....

HELP- desperately to let go.... — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 01:36:50 +0000

I was in a relationship for only 4 months. I really connected with this guy, we have almost everything in common even in the intimacy. He live in NC and I’m in CT. We met in Facebook and we saw each other 5 times in this 4 months. We exchange so much love…well that’s what I thought. In my part, I gave him everything, I meant everything even money. We called each other 24/7. Sending pictures and videos. He is separated from his wife a year ago and now he is going to signed to papers to divorce. I was separated from my husband. His wife told him once she didn’t love him anymore and left him for another one. His separation left him financially broke so I helped him a little even when he didn’t have any money for groceries. I did stuff that I never did before with him. Overall everything was beautiful. He mentioned he did not want to commit but he seems to connect with me in so many levels that he told me many times he loves me and he sees himself having a life with me. That I was everything he look in a woman. So I planned to move to NC. The last time we meet we had a great time as always but I felt something was wrong. When I told him I love you he just avoided me with other questions. He once said: “if I feel to say I love you I will tell you”. For this Christmas, I paid his airlines ticket to see his ill dad in P.R. since he didn’t see him for more than 3 years. Also, he went to his 20 anniversary High School reunion. But before, I broke up with him because I didn’t felt the same love from him. I wanted out, disconnect me completely from him but I couldn’t. After that, we texted, called….my big mistake. Suddenly, his behavior change after two days in P.R. He told me he should be alone for a while because he doesn’t want to feel more pressure and he is going to be happy with or without me. I even so pictures at facebook having so much fun with his ex-high school sweetheart (he told me he didn’t have any romantic feeling s for her. He broke her heart once before). Now, he broke mine. I felt complete deception and anger towards him. So I sent him an email asking for all the money back. Money that I gave him with all my love and he didn’t deserve it. Now we are in bad terms. I feel so betrayed, hurt and used by him.

How can I let go a person that I love so deeply? He called me 24-7, we shared everything even the darkest secrets. I need to let go…..I think I was loving a person who was never real. Please….desperately I need to LET GO……!!!!!

By: Love Coach Rinatta

Love Coach Rinatta — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 17:42:50 +0000

OpenHeart Surgery, I am sorry for your pain. You want to know how to achieve closure with both of these relationships. You can start by reading another article I wrote on the topic

If you are really, really serious about letting go of both of these relationships and eventually building another healthy, loving relationship, I recommend that you hire a qualified relationship coach – such as myself – to get you where you can’t go yourself.

Letting go of a relationship is hard work, and most people are never able to truly let go of their past relationships.

This one a process where information and advice isn’t enough. For example I can tell you how to pole vault. I can tell you EVERYTHING about how to hold the pole, how far away to stand, when to jump, how to position your body as you go over the pole… but until you’ve experienced it, it’s just a nice idea. You haven’t vaulted any poles. That’s why you would hire a coach.

By: OpenHeart Surgery

OpenHeart Surgery — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 12:16:19 +0000

I got divorced on 11 Sept 2009. In 2007, my wife moved out and was in another relationship. We never spoke muxh apart from divorce preparations – in Feb2008, I got into a relationship with a great person – Unfortunately, I found out she was working with her ex-boyfriend and was hiding this from me but they were extremely close still & I could not accept this so we broke up.
My ex-wife and I then tried to mend our marriage cos her ex-boyfriend moved and they decided to break up.
I could not make the marriage work cos although things were okay at first, we argued a lot and did not really forgive each other of our pasts – the more challenging this was that I realized that she was not a good partner to me but she challenged everything I said/did which caused arguments.
Anyways, they both have good qualities and I am struggling to let go of the past wrt them both; expecially my ex-girlfriend cos she really made me happy in all respects & we shared a short but great relationship
Any advice is welcomed so I can put closure to these and move forward.
Thanks
Mark

By: Robyn

Robyn — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 21:38:08 +0000

This article came up in a google search I was doing to try to find ways for my friend to find closure with his ex-wife. They divorced nearly 9 years ago after a 15 year relationship. During that time there was hurt, and resentment, but after the divorce they remained close and had a casual relationship from time to time. After meeting him, we became close and he confided inme that he was thinking about trying to make things work with her. He felt that his relationships since his divorce didn’t work out because he had not closed the door or gained closure with his ex wife, although we hants to because he realizes that the relationship is/never was a healthy one. He tells me he sees and desires a future with me but can’t seem to get over these conflicting desires with his ex wife. He did try to date her again. a few months ago, with disasterous results and is again about ready to bound into such a situation again. How do I help him close this door befre he gets hurt, again? Or do I let it ride its course and help him pick up the pieces? Can this really work? I would appreciate any advice.

By: Stacey

Stacey — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 01:26:06 +0000

I originally found this article in 2005 when it was first written. At the time, I thought it captured my situation perfectly. It is now four years later and it still holds true. I have been with my now ex for nine years and the last four years have been really difficult. He was 100% what I wanted 40% of the time. We lived together for eight years then sold our house and planned to go our seperate ways. Mind you, we had “broken up” numerous times during this period but we still lived together and he would never move out. I even started a formal eviction process, but we would reconcile so I would drop the cases. After we moved into our own homes, I dated a few people but kept comparing them to the ex. About six months after splitting up, we got back together (still lived in seperate houses tho). I thought maybe we could make it work this time, and we were together for a year. One month ago, I tried to explain to him that it wasn’t going to work but he refused to believe that I meant what I was saying (probably due to our past history of on-again off-again). The entire time he has had issues with alcohol and he treated my daughter like she was a burden and in his way. My friends and family say he was jealous of her and they are probably right. I ended up telling him over the phone that it was over once and for all and to stay away from us, but he refuses to accept it. He continues to call, email, IM but I have not responded. The last time we broke up I kept in contact with him and compared everyone to him and nobody measured up. This time I feel like if I truly am going to move on, I need to break all connection to him. It is very hard when he tells me he loves me and always will and continues to reach out to me even when I don’t respond.

As I read all the posts from others situations, I fear I may never get over him. I fear I will never find that connection again and may end up “settling” because I’m lonely and don’t want to be alone. I think one problem many of us have is that we tend to forget the issues and how we feel in those bad times. We remember the good times and then we miss the person terribly. I have taken notes over the years to remind myself of how I felt during the low times and I read them when I feel weak and want to contact the ex. One of the most helpful things in this article is that my ex would have been everything I wanted if he could have been. He still says he is working on himself to be what I want, stop drinking, etc. I have been waiting so many years for that to happen because I wanted it to happen, but I have to accept that it will not happen. I only hope I can continue to be strong, move on and eventually find that spark with someone else.

By: erik

erik — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 23:46:13 +0000

Even though it has pretty much ruined my life,
I am happy for my ex girlfriend Melissa.
After 4 + years together she finally left me,
got married, and had a baby.
She told me she didn’t love me anymore,
and had met and married ”the man of her dreams”.
Even though the effects of her breaking my heart have left me unemployed, alone, and hopeless, it makes me feel better to know she is happy!
Congratulations Melissa!
If only one of us can be happy, I’d rather it be you than me.
I would have easily gave my life to save yours . . . .
I guess I have.