Most people had relationships in their past that didn’t work. Most people have at least one such relationship that is very hard to let go of. This is the one that got away, but shouldn’t have. This is the one that felt as if it was meant to be. This is the one that felt like true love yet just would not work. How do you let go of a relationship like this?
When your partner in that relationship was at his or her best, he or she met all of your needs. He or she was the perfect fit for you. If he or she could have been that way with you 100% of the time, rather than just sometimes, you would be in the relationship still. The times he or she was everything you needed are hard to let go of. You have been looking for that kind of love all of your life.
Here was a person who could meet your needs the way you have always wanted. You knew he or she could, because sometimes he or she did. But he or she wouldn’t. You wanted to make, force, remind or talk him or her into it. You did everything possible to make him or her be the way you wanted 100% of the time. You may have asked him or her to go to therapy. You used all of the tricks in the book you could come up with to evoke the behavior you wanted.
Finally you left the relationship. You knew you deserved better than just some fraction of what you wanted. But the attachment to your ex lingers. It lingers because you never succeeded in making him or her fulfill your needs completely. It feels as if you failed. You feel that somehow not getting what you wanted was your fault. If you were only good enough your ex would have given you the love you wanted, all of the time. After all, he or she did give it to you some of the time.
It is not easy to move on to another relationship after such an experience. It is not easy to attract love, or give your heart to someone new. It is hard to believe you will have such love and passion with anyone else. At the same time, it is hard to trust that you will somehow avoid hurt the next time around.
Another thing that keeps you hooked into that relationship is anger. Anger arises when someone has something you want but won’t give it to you, especially when the giving of the thing would seem to be the natural or the expected thing to do. You are justified in being angry, yet anger is a way to stay connected to someone, albeit not a positive way.
There is another reason why it’s hard to let go of the relationship that got away. The person you were in love with truly had great qualities. With him or her you had an incredible connection. Maybe he or she loved you intensely. He or she may still love you. The only problem in the relationship was that he or she could only treat you well part of the time. The rest of the time, he or she acted hurtfully towards you.
It is very difficult to throw away this type of connection. And it is more difficult still when you interact with the wonderful, caring side of him or her. Having to walk away from such a relationship can be the hardest thing you will ever do. Even when you walk away it may still pull at your heart.
It is so much easier to let go of someone when it is clear he or she doesn’t care about you. It may even be easier to let go of someone who dies, because there is nothing that can be done. But to let go of someone who is well and alive and loves you is an incredible task. Yet let go you must if the partner you are clinging to is not willing to meet your needs. If you are ever to be fulfilled in any relationship, you must let go completely of this past partner.
So how do you do this? How do you let go of the living, breathing former partner who may love you, or whom you may love, and yet who is not good for you? How do you let go of the one who seems to have been the one?
The first step is to understand that your partner would have given you the moon and the stars if he or she could have. Even when he or she appeared to be holding back or hurting you on purpose, he or she was always doing the best he or she could. Understand that he or she never intentionally hurt you.
To let go of your past relationship, you will first need to forgive your ex, forgive yourself, and understand that his or her behavior was not your fault. Understand that all that he or she did, the good and the bad all together, comprise the totality of this person. Sometimes he or she was wonderful and sometimes he or she was horrible. And all of the time he or she was the person you cared for.
There is no way you could only have his or her good side. Because you were connected to the whole person, you had to experience the bad side as well. His or her bad side was hurtful, and in the end the bad outweighed the good. Since the bad side was a part of the package and could not be changed, the whole package had to go.
Secondly, do something to honor and cherish the true connection between the two of you. In fact, you may need to honor that connection for a long time. There was a wonderful part of him or her, a loving and nurturing part. There was love for you; there may still be love for you. You may always love that part of your ex.
How do you honor the connection to your ex? Honor your love and connection in prayer, in your heart, in your thoughts, and in your actions. Use the gift of the connection as an inspiration to find more of that kind of love in your future partners.
When you are ready, send thoughts of peace, healing, and joy to your ex whenever thoughts of your past relationship cross your mind. Whenever you miss him or her, send him or her your love. In this way you can still love him or her, while keeping your distance and protecting yourself from his or her hurtful behavior.
You may be hesitant to do this. You may be afraid that it will make you go back into the relationship with your ex. But understand I am not saying your ex-partner will change and become more of what you wanted. Most likely, your ex will remain exactly as he or she is, at least as far as you are concerned.
The reason to honor your connection is not to somehow bring your ex-partner back. Instead, by honoring the good of the relationship, you become free of the anger you feel towards him or her. By honoring the gifts he or she gave you, instead of focusing on what he or she did not give you, you will begin to feel peace and gratitude.
Remembering that your ex came as a complete package, combining the very good with the intolerably bad, will give you the strength to not go back into that relationship. And freeing yourself of anger at your ex will give you the ability to move on and deeply love another person.
If you need help: If you are having trouble letting go of a relationship, I can help you in a private Advice & Coaching Session. I guarantee that you will experience more peace and clarity, and less attachment towards your ex. Set up or find out more about a coaching session.
From the Heart,
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What a beautifull sentiment it is that true love is never really over, unfortunately the sense of loss that accompanies it is never over either. Although, you don’t feel that way every minute of every day, the moments that you do are almost unbearable. What I feel for my ex is a love that could stop the world from spinning. And it us undoubtedly hard to know in my heart that he truly felt what I felt, and that he feels what I feel. We don’t talk. Haven’t for the 4 years that have separated us,with the exception of 2 conversations, yet some things, you just know, you just feel. We’ve had our moment of closure, and have both moved on in ways of our own. Yet it’s moments like this morning, when I awake missing him, that I truly think that if this is what true love is like, I would have settled for something lesser. This article was just what I needed to read today. The words were undoubtedly spoken just for me. I have talked & prayed myself through letting go, but love doesn’t as easily let go of you. Reading this article , as well as the responses and stories, I cried, my tears a sweet release. Now the moment has passed, and I’m ready to go back to my ‘regular’ life.
I have read all the article and all the comments that followed. I must say this is the closest article I have found to answering some of my questions. However, I am still confused as to what to do in my situation. A year and four months ago, I met a man who seemed to be what I had been waiting for for the past ten years of my life. I had a boyfriend in high school who I had broken up with then and it seemed like no matter how many years or relationships went by, I still thought about him. Right after high school, I met my soon to be ex-husband. We were together for six years. I think that I did love and care very much for my husband, but he wasn’t the man I was meant to be with. In fact, I knew that while walking down the isle, I was making a mistake. I feel as though I truly tried to make our marriage work, but as time went on I felt trapped with someone who I was not in love with. The last year of our relationship together I contemplated divorce, but because of our religion I hesitated. Finally, after talking until I was blue in the face, I gave up. I started to yearn for the feelings I had with my high school boyfriend. There had been no man in the past ten years that had made me feel the way he did. Well, I knew my high school boyfriend and I would never be together again. I didn’t even know where he was and by that point I think I just missed the relationship I had with him and the way he made me feel. More than wanting to feel in love again, I wanted to feel like I was capable of loving someone again. I had felt numb to loving for so long. And just to add, my husband was and is a wonderful person and for the most part we got along very well. But it was like living with a roommate rather than a partner.
Then one night a little over a year ago, my best friend and I went to a bar. I had gotten a little tipsy and we ended up talking to the guy sitting next to her. We were buying shots and drinks for one another and to make a long story short, he and I ended up kissing. I wasn’t sure what I was doing, but the attraction I had to this man was very strong. We had exchanged numbers and talked all night long until our phone batteries died. And to make this part even shorter, we began seeing each other. Within four days of knowing him, I had told my husband I wanted a divorce. My husband was crushed. He did not want this. He eventually found out I was seeing someone else. Since then, we have sold our house and live separately. Our divorce is not final, but he and I have talked and are friends. As for the man I left him for, that situation turned my world upside down. He and I did not work out as a couple. Our situation was very complicated. He was divorcing and it was a divorce he did not want. He was still in love with her. They shared a child. He also had two other children from previous relationships. For some reason, though, I fell for him very hard. I had that feeling about someone again like I had had back in high school. We were not intimate very often and infact, he had told me after a few weeks of knowing each other that he just wanted to be friends. That was very hard for me to take, and I feel like I had lost my mind a bit. I had tried everything I could to make him want me. I had said and done the most outragous things to get him. All of which just pushed him further away. We would go weeks or months without talking and then talk again. We hang out at his house and he had introduced me to his children. I did not have children and have always been on the fence about having them, but from the moment I met his children and seen the way he is with them, I have wanted one of my own or to be involved with his. I care very much for them. Also, seeing how good of a father he is has made my attraction to him stronger.
So many times, I have had friend set me up with men that it did not work out with. For whatever reason, I seem to be fine with dating as long as he and I are not talking or hanging out. But the minute we fall back into this weird friendship we have, I have trouble dating. I don’t know how to explain it, but after all of the drama he and I put each other through, we have managed to actually be friends. Infact, I actually watched his children recently for a weekend while he was working midnights. I know that he cares for me as a friend. He has showed me that many times. Infact, I was seeing a man who I knew was bad for me (but that is a whole other story) and this man happened to get a little aggressive with me one night. I was never scared that he would hurt me but I was upset that I had let myself be put in that type of situation. I had told him about it and we happened to be out with a group bowling and went for drinks afterward. Well he was giving me hell for letting myself get put in that situation. He then wanted to know where this other man hung out. I know that I shouldn’t have told him but I did (thinking the other man would not be there b/c he was in the national guard and should have been away at drill that weekend). He wanted to go there. So, he and I ended up going there. Sure enough, the other guy was there. The other guy started bothering me when I had went to the bar by myself once and then again when my “friend” walked away from me for a moment. Well, long story short, the two had words. There was not fighting and my “friend” and I had a great time the rest of the night. We did happen to go home together and some sexual stuff did happen, but I refused to let it go very far. I know how strong my feelings are for him and did not want to complicate things again. Plus, I was not as intoxicated as he and I did not want him having any feelings of regret. This has been about three weeks ago and we have not talked about any of the sexual stuff that happened. We have laughed and joked about the rest of the night, but never that part. I think I keep my mouth shut about it because I have a fear of rejection. I don’t want to hear the “we are just friends and i was drunk when that happened”.
After everything that has happened between us, we have remained friends. I really did not think that after all we have put one another through, we would still be talking. I don’t know how to explain it, but between my psycho-ness and the hurt he was working through w/his ex-wife, we have both somehow came back down to earth and remained friends. However, I still have these very strong feelings for him. It scares me that another ten years may go by before I feel this way about someone again. I really care about him and his children. And everytime I think I can handle being just friends, I learn that I can’t. I don’t want to cut him out of my life and sometimes I think I can handle waiting around on him. I think that now that I am not as crazy as I was when we first met that he is starting to see the real me and maybe one day he will see me as more than a friend again. I am on this constant rollercoaster. I know in the back of my mind that he just wants to be friends but then we will go through this period of going to dinners together and watching movies or just hanging out at his house with his kids and sometimes a group of us will go out. There is never anything physical between us with the exception of times like I mentioned before, which have only happened probably a total of 5 or 6 times. And I am good so long as we are talking or seeing each other. But when we start to go a while w/o talking, I get very depressed. I sort-of feel like this is an obsession but at the same time I think there must be something about me he likes or he wouldn’t keep talking to me. Reality tells me there will never be a relationship like I want unless I am willing to wait for a very long time. But I also don’t want to hurt anyone else again b/c I have feelings for someone else. And I am 26 and feel as though I am starting all over again with nothing and would like to find someone to settle down with and have children. I am honestly fine with not having children of my own, but at the same time I do not want to live a life w/o them at all. I just wish I could figure it out. I don’t want another ten years of feeling like I’m living a lie. I don’t want to have to force mysef into thinking I love someone when I don’t.
Please help. Do you think there is any hope to he and I ever having a relationship again? And if there isn’t any hope of a relationship, how do I live with being just friends b/c I refuse to let him out of my life unless that is what he wants?
Mel: I am glad the article helped.
Jenny: it seems your story is about how to get this man to love you, but look deeper. There’s something lurking below the surface that makes you stay in this relationship. is it because you feel you are not good enough to be loved?
nice!!!!!!
I’m sorry, but this post does make sense to me in any real world way. Sending out positive feelings does not change the reality of what happened, nor, necessarily, what is still happening. What you’re suggesting sounds to me, not “is”, sounds like, “Make believe everything’s okay and it will be.” How can you tell someone that? Really? Whether we want the person back or want to be as far away as possible sending them “good thoughts” is lying about how we truly feel. If we are to grow and heal emotionally don’t we first have to be as honest as possible with ourselves? Sending them good vibrations is tricking ourselves to feel good when we think about them from that point on. But it doesn’t change things. It doesn’t resolve the issues we had. It doesn’t cause responsibility to be taken and maturity to set hold. It doesn’t protect us from future harm. Why would you say such things?
this post reminded me of my ex. i used to be like what the article says.. but now.. i dont think i even know him anymore. people grow up, change, and become diff people. we become different and the memory of the past is just what it is – a memory. not reality.
so i do appreciate the memories we had, and i do care about him in a way. but its not the same anymore.
however, i am now stuck in another dillema. I have met this guy who is from england (i’m from aus) and even though we have not known each other long, I feel (albeit all the cultural differences and everything else) that we just connect. I feel like we want the same things in life, and i know this is silly (esp since we have not known each other long), but i feel like we understand and know a lot about each other, and he might possibly be the one.
he’s travelling now and has left, and is going to study his masters elsewhere. and i know (from past experience) that long distance is not a good idea.
but we still keep in touch sometimes and perhaps one day when i travel or vice versa we will arrange to meet up.
but i just dont really know what to do. its a situation where i have to just let go and let thiings happen by itself. but does that mean i have to let him go? i feel caught in the middle.
i have other guys on the side, one in particular which things may get serious, but it doesnt feel the same. i cant imagine having his kids or growing old with him. then again. i havent known mr england for a particularly long time.
Thank you for the article, and more importantly, all the comments, reading them has been healing for me.
I dated a man about 20 years ago. We were great friends in High School ( I didn’t know it, but he had quite a thing for me then too) and afterwards, while he was in the service, we dated whenever he was home. We had great times together, he was funny and smart, and attentive. I thought he felt deeply for me, but he never admitted to any feeling like thaqt, so I thought I was imaginging things. I felt deeply for him, but because of my pride then, I didn’t admit to it either. I went tru a traumatic time, losing a close loved one and basically making a mess out of my life and cut ties with him. Without any reason. I ran away from my bad mistakes, and he just reminded me of some of them.
I then met and a few years later married a man, who on the surfac was almost identical to the old boyfriend. (looks, service, intelligence, humor) He, it turns out married someone who , on paper, seems very much like me(looks, ideas, style…) . recently (or 20 some odd years later) we reconnected. It started off with basic how are you emails. It then went to about 10 emails a day, nothing intimate. Then I apologized for the way it ended. And he explained where his head was at the time, and how much I did mean to him, how he had planned on , when he got out of the service, his plan was to spend much more time with me and let me know how he felt so I could choose or not to spend the rest of my life with him, what he wanted. We then started IM-ing nightly. In 6 weeks, we IM-ed over 150 hours. He was seperating from his wife . I had asked my husband for a divorce the month before we reconnected. He is bipolar and for the first 10 years of our marriage he cheated on me constantly, which I only found out after he left the country to move in with a woman, leaving me and my 2 chidren. He attemped suicide a year later and was then diagnosed. After getting stabalized on medication, he wanted to come back and try to keep the family together. I was devastated at the thought of my family breaking up, and honestly, scared of being on my own, so I said yes. After 9 years of trying to keep life from disturbing my husband so as not to agravate his bipolar, I have had enough.
My old boyfriend married a woman with deep depression issues. They had almost seperated 3 times. They were seperating again because he did not think he could be happy with her and was trying to decide if he should stay in a relationship that was ok, but more along the lines of 2 people who liked each other but were not involved in each others life at all, or give them(his children) the opportunity of seeing one,possibly both his parents in loving dynamic relationships. He worried about her depression and the affect it would have on his children with her being the custodial parent if they did divorce. He works out of the country often on business.
Not to go into too much detail, but he needed to make a decision recently about what to do with his relationship. We have only met a handful of times, lots of emails, chat and phone. But (and I know how cliched this sounds), this connection is amazing. We will be IMing about nothing when I get sad and almost immediatly he asks ‘whats wrong?” he can tell how I feel. I feel it with him too. One day we were IMimg and I just started sobbing for no reason, I didn’t let on in the chat that I was crying and he asked what was wrong, I told him to tell me, cause I had no idea, he relayed that he had been thinking about a friend of his all morning who had passed away…he feels that we are connected on a heart and soul level. do you realize how improbable a mn saying this is?? He told me he was starting to believe in dreams and wishes again, he had given that up years ago, and felt that he had made his own hell, it was his to deal with. But with that pressure to make a decision, he finally, after distaning himself from me for a week or so (I have never asked him to choose, I know that if we are ever going to work out, he needs to leave his marriage because it is the right thing for them, never leave it for me) he and I got together for coffee and he said that he couldn’t quit his marriage yet because he felt he had not tired everything yet. I so understood that he got upset and said he felt like a hippocrite. He wanted to still be friends. He said that he has wanted me in his life since he was 16, and if the only way he can have me in his life is as a friend, then that is what he will take. After that, when we were leaving i huggedhim and asked him to promise me he would be happy. He said he couldn’t promise that. I then asked him to try to be happy, he said he couldn’t do that either.Here is my problem, he still calls or emails me every 2-3 days. Very sweet and thinking about me. has not crossed the line of inappropriate behaviour. I try to keep it easy and breezy and light. But inside it is killing me. I want the intimate connection we had. But I don’t want to lose him out of my life either. We have only met since then 2 times. And both times were fun and great, the only issue is he can’t seem to look at me. But when I am looking away, out of the corner of my eye, I see him stare at me, and then look away when I look at him. I have these ideas in my head that they will eventually break up, and we can be together, but if I walk away, then that door closes. I know this isn’t healthy, I have asked him to tell me to walk away, because with him I seem to not have any discliplin or boundries. He refuses to aske me to leave his life. But now I am thinking ineed towalk away and let him live his life. and to get on with my new life. The reason for this long book of a comment is so others may not feel like they are alone in their experiences. I gained so much from reading others comments.
thanks. I am trying to figure out how not to answer the phone or respond to the email. I guess i have to hold on to the thought that i love him enough to want him to be happy even if it is without me. and I want more for him than he wants for himself.
How to let go? im sitting here at 4am because I can’t sleep. I have asked my husband to leave because of commitment issues. it will be 4 months tomorrow. we haven’t so much as had coffee but he claims we are working on us. I know in my heart that he is with someone now. how do I not care? we are still married and have two children.
It seems nieve, but how can you do that to a family? How do I stop caring? It’s like high school. he never calls me, but he will call when I don’t pay attention to him.
I think it is killing me that he can be with someone else.
I will try to take your advice to let go, but its SO HARD. Especially when that person says they love you. But I know what love feels like. I DESERVE LOVE.
He cheated, I tried to make it work. He was remorseful. I caught him lying again. I put him out of the house. Because I deserved better/but I also hoped he’d see what he was losing.
We have been together for 15 years, and married for 9. Since this celebration, both our birthdays, valentines & our anniversary have past. We spent on of those together. I call him and I feel like the other women, after a certain time, I can reach him. I know about another phone, and I just want to shake him and say, “we have a beautiful family, stop this,” but he is constantly lying about having a phone and wanted his family back.
2 days ago, My blood presure went threw the roof and I ended up in the hospital. Im late thirties, 2 children under age 9 that have never know a life like they are experiencing now. Dad here Mom there. But I’ll have to say, they are adjusting better than mom. Dad seems fine, he live at a party house with the boys, at 40!
i haven’t had sex with anyone but him in 14 years! he says he hasn’t been unfaithful since our seperation – whether true or not, he is pre occupied with HIS LIFE, i wish I was the same.
It consumes me. I scared myself laying in the hospital the other day. He asked me what happend, I told him, I didn’t want to talk about it. My brother told him I had a stomache issue. They are TRYING to help me move on and get irritated when I don’t follow their advice. I feel, in my heart, I won’t believe he could do this to our marriage again until I physically SEE him Screw someone. I came to his place unanounced and there was a huge blowout. I never seen who was there for HIM, but I deserve more. So do my kids, I have to see him almost EVERYDAY. it kills me.
I will continue to be decietful. like you said, he has done the best he can do. no guilt trip, sex or acting something other than what i am will change him. Instead of take this time to reflect on our family, he is living the bachelors life – which he fiecely denies – but why wont I use this time for ME. I remain consumed about him.
We made an agreement we would remain faithful. I don’t feel like he is honoring this commitment. we spend no time together. we don’t speak to each other other than child related issues. It’s been 2 1/2 years since i discovered his infidelity and 4 months since he’s been out the house. He says hed still be there if i hadn’t put him out. But what man would leave a beautiful family, if he thought he could continue to have both.
How do I focus on ME and not CARE if he is sleep with someone else? Dating them, talking and loving them? I cry as I write this. That is MY husband. He is supposed to do those things for me, but says Im so angry he cant enjoy my company anymore.
Im tired of the hurt.
Sallie’s last blog post..Dating Tip #1
Great article, great comments. I just left a 9 yr relationship with the man I was sure I would marry and live happily ever after with. We started dating when we were 23, we went out a lot and always had a great time with his friends and mine. This man was smart, caring, and let me feel like I could always tell him anything. I felt that I had finally found the person I could be honest with, he was the one who tore down my emotional walls. About 1 1/2 yrs ago, things started getting ugly. He was drinking a lot, and his depression had become out of control. He ended up in hospitals and in various rehab facilities over the last year, has criminal charges pending, and has already served some jail time, with more to come. i found out that he has been lying about his alcohol abuse and his mental illness for years, and hiding all manner of things from me. I finally left and moved into my own place a month ago, after realizing there is nothing more that I can do, and he is continuing on his path of self destruction at full speed. The problem is that I do still speak to him, I do want to know if he’s ok (alive, at least). Sometimes I think it would be so much better to cut all ties and not speak to him at all, but I care so much and worry so much that I feel like I’m going crazy if I don’t know how he’s doing, if I don’t hear his voice every few days. I know in my heart this isn’t healthy, but I don’t know how else to keep myself sane. I’m a worrier by nature, and the past 18 months have amplified that by about 200%. Thoughts on how to cope?
Thanks for this blog. This was very interesting. About 2.5 months ago, a long relationship ended. Last week I sent him an email to get some things off my chest. I ended the email with love and gratitude for what we shared. Thanked him. I told him I was not expecting a reply. Against all my friends’ advice, I did actually send it to him. My friends were mortified. Reading this article made me so glad that I did that. It was kind of my way of just saying what I wanted to say and then letting him go with love and not bitterness. He still hasn’t replied, but that’s okay. That wasn’t why I wrote it. Getting a response was not my intent. I’ve seen it on advice columns and also have heard it from my friends: write a letter and express all your feelings to this person, but don’t send it to them! Why is that? Is there wisdom to this advice and will I later regret it? I still have yet to feel any regret.
Just wondering. Thanks so much for this post. I enjoyed reading it. -E
I am so glad I found this in my time of need. I am a 34 year old male and fell in love with an amazing 24 year old girl. The chemistry was amazing and that grew into a one year relationship filled with arguments and dissapointments. But I would do it all over again. I understand we were on different pages, she wanted to explore the world and I wanted to settle down. This is when the problems started. She smoked pot alot and it bothered me. Eventually I blew up and yelled at her. She left me and it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I see her often through our circle of friends and work and wish I could just move and be free of her. I have been in such pain since she left because I tried everything to make her happy. I was a good man to her and she still walked away. I guess this is why it hurts so bad..becasue I tried EVERYTHING and it was not enough.
Believe me, all I have tried to do for almost 3 years, is to get over M _ l _ s _ a . . . ”my love”.
But you are trying to simplify things. Sometimes TIMING, is what makes a person not be able to ”move on”.
She left me. It was on my 40th birthday. I am a very athletic man.
I had feared being 40 for a few years before that terrible day happened.
We were together 4 1/2 years. She was 27 when she left me. It devastated me.
I lost my job of 25 years, and my beach apartment, my hair turned gray, I lost my confidence, and my power of attraction. I had been with many women before her . . . but I am now a total loser, and I haven’t had a date in 3 years.
P.S. ,
She got married to a much younger man, only a year after she left me.
They just had a baby . . . I am certain I will be alone the rest of my life.
I just thought this comment was so sad and someone not giving themselves enough credit. You will find love again but only if you believe yourself you will. Because if you don’t believe you will, you don’t let yourself open up to the possibilities to fall in love. Thats what is so amazing about life, it surprizes you , sometimes bad and sometimes good. Sounds like u are due for a good surprize and it will happen just believe in it!
I feel exhausted. 20 years of missing someone is a long time. I was hoping reading this would make a difference, but it doesn’t. I actually know to well what the issue is and why I can’t let go. I met the love of my life when I was just 17 years old. We were together for a little over 2 years. Our problem was timing. We were young and others were making decisions about our futures. We were pulled apart(literally) and never able to end the relationship on our own. My family had different views for my future and I felt powerless to fight them at the time. We had no closure. I was given the option to go college far away or not at all. Letters he sent to me were never given to me(this was prior to email and cell phones…I learned years later of the missing letters). I moved on with him constantly in my thoughts, but we were now 1000s of miles apart. I believed he moved on. I married and have two children. My husband is a wonderful person who loves me so much. He is so good to me. After 15 years of marriage, he asks me the other day why he isn’t enough for me. We don’t fight, but he knows. …my heart will never fully belong to him. I wish so much I could love him as he deserves. I have had contact with my ex. After 14 years, we communicated via email. I learned he has struggled just as I have over the years. He is married with three children. He said his wife has asked him in the past if he will ever love her as much as me. It seems we are both in the same place emotionally, but we also know we must do what is right for our spouses and children. We stopped emailing and haven’t had contact in the last 5 years, but I think of him each and every day. When my husband and I are “together” I think of him. I want more than anything to let go…I don’t know how to do so. I want to love my husband with my whole heart…I don’t know how to.
thank you all for sharing your thought. its kinda give me a sense of relief. i just broke up with my boyfriend, who i thought was the most wonderful guy i have ever dated. we have a lot of things in common and i really enjoyed the way he cared about me during the course of the relationship. all of a sudden everything got changed. he wanted to remain as friend and maybe go back into dating later. he actually sent me an email yesterday asked me if i wanna go some where with him. i tried contacting him after that email but he seem to be ignoring me now. i do understand that it is really difficult to remain friend with your ex if you still have a feeling for him, but i cant just let go of him. i still do wanna see him. its like one of the post here.. how can you let go of someone if you still want that person in your life? but i think i am ready to let go and move on. sometimes i feel like crying, deep inside my heart, i really miss him. and missing someone who might not miss you at all is the most painful feeling… i don’t even have the gut to tell him that i miss him… but i decided, i gonna let him go…
Even though it has pretty much ruined my life,
I am happy for my ex girlfriend Melissa.
After 4 + years together she finally left me,
got married, and had a baby.
She told me she didn’t love me anymore,
and had met and married ”the man of her dreams”.
Even though the effects of her breaking my heart have left me unemployed, alone, and hopeless, it makes me feel better to know she is happy!
Congratulations Melissa!
If only one of us can be happy, I’d rather it be you than me.
I would have easily gave my life to save yours . . . .
I guess I have.
I originally found this article in 2005 when it was first written. At the time, I thought it captured my situation perfectly. It is now four years later and it still holds true. I have been with my now ex for nine years and the last four years have been really difficult. He was 100% what I wanted 40% of the time. We lived together for eight years then sold our house and planned to go our seperate ways. Mind you, we had “broken up” numerous times during this period but we still lived together and he would never move out. I even started a formal eviction process, but we would reconcile so I would drop the cases. After we moved into our own homes, I dated a few people but kept comparing them to the ex. About six months after splitting up, we got back together (still lived in seperate houses tho). I thought maybe we could make it work this time, and we were together for a year. One month ago, I tried to explain to him that it wasn’t going to work but he refused to believe that I meant what I was saying (probably due to our past history of on-again off-again). The entire time he has had issues with alcohol and he treated my daughter like she was a burden and in his way. My friends and family say he was jealous of her and they are probably right. I ended up telling him over the phone that it was over once and for all and to stay away from us, but he refuses to accept it. He continues to call, email, IM but I have not responded. The last time we broke up I kept in contact with him and compared everyone to him and nobody measured up. This time I feel like if I truly am going to move on, I need to break all connection to him. It is very hard when he tells me he loves me and always will and continues to reach out to me even when I don’t respond.
As I read all the posts from others situations, I fear I may never get over him. I fear I will never find that connection again and may end up “settling” because I’m lonely and don’t want to be alone. I think one problem many of us have is that we tend to forget the issues and how we feel in those bad times. We remember the good times and then we miss the person terribly. I have taken notes over the years to remind myself of how I felt during the low times and I read them when I feel weak and want to contact the ex. One of the most helpful things in this article is that my ex would have been everything I wanted if he could have been. He still says he is working on himself to be what I want, stop drinking, etc. I have been waiting so many years for that to happen because I wanted it to happen, but I have to accept that it will not happen. I only hope I can continue to be strong, move on and eventually find that spark with someone else.
This article came up in a google search I was doing to try to find ways for my friend to find closure with his ex-wife. They divorced nearly 9 years ago after a 15 year relationship. During that time there was hurt, and resentment, but after the divorce they remained close and had a casual relationship from time to time. After meeting him, we became close and he confided inme that he was thinking about trying to make things work with her. He felt that his relationships since his divorce didn’t work out because he had not closed the door or gained closure with his ex wife, although we hants to because he realizes that the relationship is/never was a healthy one. He tells me he sees and desires a future with me but can’t seem to get over these conflicting desires with his ex wife. He did try to date her again. a few months ago, with disasterous results and is again about ready to bound into such a situation again. How do I help him close this door befre he gets hurt, again? Or do I let it ride its course and help him pick up the pieces? Can this really work? I would appreciate any advice.
I got divorced on 11 Sept 2009. In 2007, my wife moved out and was in another relationship. We never spoke muxh apart from divorce preparations – in Feb2008, I got into a relationship with a great person – Unfortunately, I found out she was working with her ex-boyfriend and was hiding this from me but they were extremely close still & I could not accept this so we broke up.
My ex-wife and I then tried to mend our marriage cos her ex-boyfriend moved and they decided to break up.
I could not make the marriage work cos although things were okay at first, we argued a lot and did not really forgive each other of our pasts – the more challenging this was that I realized that she was not a good partner to me but she challenged everything I said/did which caused arguments.
Anyways, they both have good qualities and I am struggling to let go of the past wrt them both; expecially my ex-girlfriend cos she really made me happy in all respects & we shared a short but great relationship
Any advice is welcomed so I can put closure to these and move forward.
Thanks
Mark
OpenHeart Surgery, I am sorry for your pain. You want to know how to achieve closure with both of these relationships. You can start by reading another article I wrote on the topic
If you are really, really serious about letting go of both of these relationships and eventually building another healthy, loving relationship, I recommend that you hire a qualified relationship coach – such as myself – to get you where you can’t go yourself.
Letting go of a relationship is hard work, and most people are never able to truly let go of their past relationships.
This one a process where information and advice isn’t enough. For example I can tell you how to pole vault. I can tell you EVERYTHING about how to hold the pole, how far away to stand, when to jump, how to position your body as you go over the pole… but until you’ve experienced it, it’s just a nice idea. You haven’t vaulted any poles. That’s why you would hire a coach.
I was in a relationship for only 4 months. I really connected with this guy, we have almost everything in common even in the intimacy. He live in NC and I’m in CT. We met in Facebook and we saw each other 5 times in this 4 months. We exchange so much love…well that’s what I thought. In my part, I gave him everything, I meant everything even money. We called each other 24/7. Sending pictures and videos. He is separated from his wife a year ago and now he is going to signed to papers to divorce. I was separated from my husband. His wife told him once she didn’t love him anymore and left him for another one. His separation left him financially broke so I helped him a little even when he didn’t have any money for groceries. I did stuff that I never did before with him. Overall everything was beautiful. He mentioned he did not want to commit but he seems to connect with me in so many levels that he told me many times he loves me and he sees himself having a life with me. That I was everything he look in a woman. So I planned to move to NC. The last time we meet we had a great time as always but I felt something was wrong. When I told him I love you he just avoided me with other questions. He once said: “if I feel to say I love you I will tell you”. For this Christmas, I paid his airlines ticket to see his ill dad in P.R. since he didn’t see him for more than 3 years. Also, he went to his 20 anniversary High School reunion. But before, I broke up with him because I didn’t felt the same love from him. I wanted out, disconnect me completely from him but I couldn’t. After that, we texted, called….my big mistake. Suddenly, his behavior change after two days in P.R. He told me he should be alone for a while because he doesn’t want to feel more pressure and he is going to be happy with or without me. I even so pictures at facebook having so much fun with his ex-high school sweetheart (he told me he didn’t have any romantic feeling s for her. He broke her heart once before). Now, he broke mine. I felt complete deception and anger towards him. So I sent him an email asking for all the money back. Money that I gave him with all my love and he didn’t deserve it. Now we are in bad terms. I feel so betrayed, hurt and used by him.
How can I let go a person that I love so deeply? He called me 24-7, we shared everything even the darkest secrets. I need to let go…..I think I was loving a person who was never real. Please….desperately I need to LET GO……!!!!!
letting go… my friend said let go of my ex.. but how could i??? i love him for years and waited for him to go back…then when i saw him, he is not ready for me. it was so devastating…. i tried to say goodbye but the pain is killing me… i know no one can help me but myself…. if only i could share my feelings to the peole around me. but i cant.. im also married and in bad relationship…
I was in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years. The first year we were together we traveled to so many places, talked for hours on the phone or over coffee in some little hole in the wall place and enjoyed every moment we had. I ached when he was out of my sight. He was fresh out of a divorce and so was I. I felt like I had been awakened and had truly not lived life until we met. The passion we had (and could have now but…) was something I have never experienced.
Then after a tragic event that completely changed our lives occured, he became someone I did not recongize. I mourned for that former life and the happiness I felt. I now had to share him between so many other people and I was no longer a priority (maybe #5 or 6 if I think about it). He was angry and withdrawn. After 2 years of that my body couldn’t take it and I became very sick. I have not been the same for the last year but we continued to be together somewhat because of my fear of being completely alone. We would spend a few days a week together and I would fall off the cliff again emotionally when he left. I wanted him all the time but he was not capable of doing that. This week I received a letter from him breaking up with me. All of those dreams of kids and marriage are gone. Dreams that I should have with someone who is present in my life anyway not someone who is there 30%. My family is not supportive and I barely have any contact with them and now, without him, I wonder how I will get through. We talked every day on the phone and emailed many times a day. I know this will be the hardest thing to let go of but I have no other option. I wish that things would have been different but as Elizabeth Gilbert says in Eat, Pray, Love, I have to “stop wearing my wishbone where my backbone oughtta be”.
This article helped me a lot. I will be printing it off and reading it again and again. Thank you!
Loved the article and some of the posts by readers. I was in a ten (10) month platonic relationship with a childhood friend I had reconnected with after seeing his Mom’s obituary in the newspaper. He was happily married with children and I was happily single and content. When I went to several crisises in my life within a short period of time I chose him to lean on. I’m a religious person and our relationship felt like a Godsent. He was just the person I needed to have in my life during my time of need. We never met in person. I just communicated with him via e-mail. He was a safe outlet and I considered him expendable although I thoroughly enjoyed using him as a confidant, quasi-therapist and friend without benefits except flirting. I started falling for him and told him so. I wrote a “Goodbye” letter and explained things to him. I was in anquish and missed the relationship so I prayed about and wanted to establish a long-term friendship with him. I was never dishonest with him and he was never dishonest with him. I knew we could never be anything more than friends. I got bored one day and got on Facebook and started sending messages to people who were acquaintances and associates of acquaintances and so on. I probably sent messages to about twenty people. One of the people I sent a message too was my friends wife. I complimented him and her and thought it was a nice, cordial message. Minutes after sending the message I got an angry message from my online friend stating that he was absolutely appalled that I had contacted his wife and mentioned that I’d been fliritng online with him and that he never wanted me to contact him again. I was shocked and blown away by his response. I apologized and asked for forgiveness and cried a bucket of tears. I read many, many articles about the subject of getting over a relationship and consulted friends too. I knew that the relationship was over but I did not want to let it go. Even after accepting the fact that the end had come suddenly, abruptly and by surprise I knew that there was nothing that could be done to fix things or make them right. I knew that I had no control over the situation and all I could do was pray. Pray I did and cry I did. It was only after I realized that the reason I hadn’t let go was because I didn’t really want did the healing begin. I cried so much that it affected my health and body, but in a positive way. My blood pressure actually went down to normal levels. My energy level increased. I was thinking clearly and making plans for my future. I had to get a grip on myself because one of the first things I wanted to do was contact him and “Thank” him for dumping me but I restrained from doing so because he’d asked me to. For someone who was only an online friend I missed him profusely and had grown more attached to him emotionally than I intended or anticipated. I’m glad in a way that he put a stop to the relationship because in hindsight I see that I was aimlessly floating out into dangerous territory and was getting in over my head. A friend heard about my plight and came over to comfort me. She asked me, “If that man had asked you meet him to have sex, would you have complied?” I had to think about the question for a few minutes before I could answer her. After searching my heart I felt pathetic and contrite because I probably would have ruined my reputation and the reputation of a good man whom I admired and respected if he’d had a weak moment. I wasn’t as strong, saved and sanctimonious as I thought I was I realized to my dismay. Even though I now understand why my former friend had become angry and dismissed me from his life, I still missed him and the platonic relationship I’d enjoyed these past months. The enormity of my loss hit me like a tornado. My heart was broken into a million pieces. I felt regrets that I had been so naive’, nonchalant and foolish but at the same time I felt blessed ironically. Even though it was not my choice to let go of the relatioship, I had to let it go and become a part of my past. Instead of having a relationship all I had to cherish was a memory. Instead of letting go because I’d been cut loose, I would have to let go by an act of my will. There was a time when I wanted to kick myself because I changed my mind after saying “Goodbye” the first time and tried to have my cake and eat it too per se. Then I realized that beating myself up would serve no useful purpose. What happened had happened, period. I couldn’t go back and erase anything or change anything. I’m finally smiling again although I know there are still a few more tears remaining inside that I must release when they swell up. I’m still tempted to contact him, but I’m not going to do so. I’m going to let go, forgive him, forgive myself and be grateful for an experience which has left me a stronger, happier, renewed person. I can honestly say that I NEEDED to have that good cry and I’m a better person because I allowed myself to trust someone enough to be open, vunerable and be hurt. When I fell, I fell hard. When I hurt, it was painful. When I cried, it was cleansing. When I got up, I no longer needed a crutch. It felt good while it lasted, but I don’t want to go backwards. It’s all behind me now. I’m not going to carry that baggage into my future. That’s too heavy of a load. Some people have wind beneath their wings. I had tears to lift me up. Some people had a friend to pull them up in their time of need. I had a friend to cut me loose in my time of need and that was exactly what I needed. I can’t help but to praise and “Thank God” for this particular person who came into my life. He was not meant to be a friend, a companion or even a guide, but he served his purpose. He was a welcome guest who didn’t overstay his welcome. One whom I enjoyed fellowshipping with but who couldn’t stay because he had a home elsewhere, not with me. So, I’m gladly waving “Goodbye” and blowing kisses at my dear guest as I let him go on down the road even though he can’t hear it or receive it. Goodbye Walter!
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