Comments on: How To Let A Relationship Go When You Don’t Want To

By: Sydnee

Sydnee — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 23:20:31 +0000

Love Coach Rinatta,
Your blog made me open my mind to another way of thinking (about my situation). I was aways confused of why I kept my husband around, I could never explain why I did. You put it perfectly when you said that we (those hurt) wanted to allow them to make right their (offender) wrongs. Now I know that’s exactly what I’m doing. This is the first time I’ve been to identify with why he’s still around. I know he’s done the best he could do, even though it was not the best for me. The bad thing is that we are still married and living together in a sexless unintimate relationship. I took him back in a horrible time in my life. He had left me pregnant and after a series of unfortunate events I ended up living in a hotel with my 18mo. old son. He came back to us when both he and I were in a bad state in lives. I had never stopped loving him yet he had stopped loving me. We ended up getting married I think because he thought it was the right thing to do and me because I believed it was what I had always wanted from him. Through out our marriage (and because of a drug addiction I wasn’t aware of) he has left us several times and has cheated on me (with whom I later learned was the “love of his life” per letters I found hidden in our home). Each time he left he begged me to let him come back home, usually after 1wk-1mo. Each time I let him for the sake of our child, who had become real close to his dad. This went on for several years, until he gave up drugs (through rehab) and started going to church, which he had always been against up until 2 yrs ago. Long story short, he still does not have sex with me, we have throughout our 7 yr. marriage had sex maybe a total of 10 times. He claims to love me with all his heart. He text messages me throughout the day just to say hi and that he loves me and misses me yet we have Never made out throughout the whole marriage and we still don’t have sex. I am the bread winner in the house and he works hard but still has to pay for the wrongs he’s done in his life so only brings home at least $150 a week, when I’m paying $800-$1200 in bills every two weeks. He says if the roles were reversed he wouldn’t complain yet I do not have an intimate relationship, support nor anything else with him. I believe he’s not seeing anyone else for the past 2 yrs since he’s has spent his time on concequences of his actions and I believe he does love me in some way but I don’t think he’s in love with me. I have communicated my feelings with him and he says he resents me for saying he doesn’t love me because I’m not him and when I say I don’t feel married he says this is a marriage. I just really need intimacy in my life and I know for a fact that everything I’ve done to try and jump start our relationship he has rejected. I’ve even gone as far and lose weight, get fit (I know I’m not all the way there) but it’s all gone unnoticed. I’m so bitter and resentful that I’m making things uncomfortable for my family. I feel as if he doesn’t leave then I should but I know he does not make enough to support himself and I know my son 10yrs old now will be devistated since he does not know why I’m so angry nor would I ever tell him since it’s between my husband and I. Things are ok otherwise, he helps in the house and has always made breakfast for us but it’s not enough for me. I have been depressed all weekend and that is how I came across this article/blog. I was looking for ways in letting go. I know this is not the kind of relationship the blog is all about but it has opened my eyes to why I kept him around. I have been waiting for him to right the wrongs yet I know it will never happen so I just need to forgive all the wrongs to heal myself. This is not a relationship I wish upon anyone but I hope it helps another see that once the bad signs are around things will not get better and it’s easier to get out from the beginning then getting out later. Good Luck everyone and I pray for each and every one of you.

By: canali

canali — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 19:20:22 +0000

confused: you can always block their emails too, you know…I’ve done it in 3 ways (fb, hotmail and from work email)…maybe in the future I will be more open to a friendship with my exgal …she is a good person (we both made mistakes)…but for now the pain is still too tender to consider such… and ’tis best to cut off all contact….just my thoughts.

By: canali

canali — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 19:17:31 +0000

i say stick with NC…keep focusing on you…I’m not destroyed forever (and hopefully you aren’t either)….we both need to continue being proactive and know that healing and getting empowered again are ongoing processes that sometimes go forward, then backwards…I know for me (didn’t disclose this earlier) that losing both parents at a very young age (4) has left some hurtful trigger buttons around themes of ‘goodbye’ and ‘letting go’..such will be an ongoing battle sometimes…just that NEVER has any relationship triggered such staying stuck for this long…NEVER (ay vay!) .maybe then, my ultimate lesson from the universe and this gig was to be a big teacher: ie that I do have to ‘go back’and do some healing and/or some ‘reprogramming’ in cognitive/behavioural terms …easier said than done).

Last poster’s comment: ”It’s much anger at oneself for not being who my ex wanted/needed and for wasting my time/heart on him.”…i don’t think that you (nor I) really believe that either…let’s feel bad but not stay in ‘victim’ mode too long…as dumpers they also can feel guilty (both parties are healing I’m sure and hopefully going over lessons learned)….you and I just have to keep focusing on ourselves and as Rinatta suggested whenever thoughts bring us back to the ex, to redirect them to something present in our lives….the more self care we engage in consistently with new goals etc, the better we’ll steer our sails…’water seeks it’s own level’…let’s then our water levels be brighter fuller ones to attract equally good people.

I made mistakes in my gig (as i’m sure you did too)..just as THEY did too…we’re all the walking wounded in some form stumbling our ways through life to find happiness in the best way possible..but for now let’s focus on US.

By: Love Coach Rinatta

Love Coach Rinatta — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 18:58:39 +0000

Dear Confused, the pain will not just go away unfortunately. Either some wonderful guy will come and sweep you off your feet, or more likely, the no vacancy sign will get stuck in place. Recovery needs to be a verb. Recover by taking recovery steps. Read through this blog, I have many articles with very specific action steps to take to recover your heart.

And if you need help, I am always available to coach you. In fact did you know I am having a coaching sale right now, where you can get coaching – and relief from pain! – at half off the regular price? Take a look at http://www.lovecoachblog.com/sale

By: Confused

Confused — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 18:39:52 +0000

I have/am dealing with the same problem. It’s been almost 2 years now since my fiance left me suddenly for another woman and married her within a few months. The thoughts/feelings still come up every day many times. It’s feelings of longing, missing, “what if”, anger, etc. I now know I could not have done better than I did at the time, yet I blame myself for failing so miserably, eventhough I didn’t do anything wrong. I have come to realize the problem was not me, but he was a serial cheater. I am angry at myself most of the time for not being what exactly what he wanted, and on the other hand for ever falling in love with him. I went cold turkey over a year ago with absolutely no contact on my part. I changed my phone number, disappeared from the web, and vowed NEVER to answer if he would email. I did not believe he would ever email, but he did after 6 months, and then again after 10 months of no contact on my part. The first time it was not much, the second time he told me that he thinks of me, misses me, and wonders how I am doing. I so very much would like to answer that email, but I’m afraid for him it’s nothing more than just “checking” on me or plain curiousity and not love or any intention to be back together????? It’s paralizing, so I keep sticking to my no contact rule, eventhough I want nothing more in this world than him back. Well, he is married, so what is the point of me even thinking of him. But I do every day. I can’t listen to the radio, I can’t watch movies. It all always reminds me of him. It’s a mess. On the other hand I am making new male friends to keep myself busy and distracted. But falling in love with someone new is still not working. But the new friends make me feel better about myself and I realize I’m not a failure. There are many guys out there who would give anything to be with me. But it’s like my heart is stuck in the past. I liked Canali’s way of putting it, there is “No Vacancy” in my heart, although it’s empty. I hope it’s just under re-construction and not destroyed forever. I relate to Canali. It sounds like we are in the same boat. It’s much anger at oneself for not being who my ex wanted/needed and for wasting my time/heart on him. And when he then contacts me saying that he thinks of me and wonders how I am doing, I have not a clue what he really is saying? Should I be polite and answer it, or just ignore it as I have been doing so far? Is he sorry for leaving? Does he want to come back? It’s just confusing and hurting. But I stay with no contact because I don’t know what else to do. And I try to keep busy with work and new friends, hoping that one day this ordeal will be over.

By: canali

canali — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 18:23:46 +0000

i’m being a putz, that’s all, as per my last comment, Rinatta…actually I wanted to ‘edit’ that last comment, but couldn’t…so just a heads up I’m not a total write off, but a m just in a sensitive mood (lately) that’s all…

, however, i’m trying to get to a place in my life wherein i give up on such ideals as ‘forever’ and ‘the one’… I really do feel most relationships dont’ make it such..and that instead there are many good matches out there and not just one person…BUT not finding a ‘forever lasting gig’ isn’t such a tragedy as long as you’re growing into a more honest, open, loving and emotionally courageous person and to get love and happiness in one’s life in other ways, ie good friends, being good to oneself (self love/esteem), giving back to the c0mmunity to those lesser etc.

By: Love Coach Rinatta

Love Coach Rinatta — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 18:08:39 +0000

Thanks for sharing, but I have to wonder, if you can’t take feedback and don’t want to change, what are you doing commenting on a relationship coaching blog? Those of us who are unwilling or unable to change our mind about how we feel, think and behave do ourselves a great deal of disservice, as we cause ourselves unnecessary pain and suffering.

By: canali

canali — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 16:21:38 +0000

no thanks…it doesn’t last, bottom line…that’s reality for the vast majority of us…and alot of the anger I have (as per one other poster’s comment) is really towards myself with alot of regret…alot of this is forgiving myself, too….was my first time with a single mom and her 18 yr old daughter who was difficult and challenging at time, ie in front of me and her mom would tell her (my ex/her mom) ‘f…k you’…or ‘kiss my ass’ etc…and the mom wanted me to bond with THAT sort of behaviour? NOT!…but i stewed instead, building up resentment…upon one meditation it came to me that i was looking too much at behaviours and not deeper into her heart …should have spent more time with daughter alone engaging her trust…getting to know her fears etc…but I didn’t …i came up short (but I did send a heartfelt xmas/bd note and present to her 3 mo after our bustup)…yet still to this day I go back and forth: between anger at what I put up with and also at regret for not being more loving andassertive/ courageous too.

By: Love Coach Rinatta

Love Coach Rinatta — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 15:47:53 +0000

If you were to deal with the pain of past relationship you would find yourself yet again open to love. Perhaps love does not last, but perhaps it does if we have the skills to make it last and pick the right partner.

By: Love Coach Rinatta

Love Coach Rinatta — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 15:45:55 +0000

Canali, sounds like you believe your anger somehow hurts her, while in reality it only hurts you. When you are angry at her, or hurting, or thinking about her, it does not affect her. But it does affect you. So let go. Stop thinking about her. I mean stop, as in when a thought of her comes up, force yourself to think about something else. Thoughts of her are simply a mental habit, much like biting your nails is a physical habit, so simply force yourself to stop. Let go and move on.