Recently I have been working with a couple of clients who are stuck in wanting their no longer interested ex partners back. The ex partners are done with the relationship in both cases, but my clients do not want to let go.
To make it worst, they have much pain about not wanting to let go and take many actions to stop the letting go process. One of the clients who’s doing this contacts the man she used to be in a relationship with constantly, wanting to connect with him. His responses range from anger at her reaching out to compassion while asking her to be strong and move on with her life.
Another client does not contact her ex, but responds when the ex reaches out to her. Unfortunately, he never reaches out to reconnect, just to touch base on the phone, by text and email. They have no seen each other in many months.
These clients are stuck in that they do not want to let the relationship go. They would rather hold on to the fantasy that it can still be revived somehow, even thought their ex-partners are giving them no indication at all that revival of the relationship is possible.
What do I mean? If a person is considering getting back together with you, or trying again, they will let you know. They will call and say “I have been thinking about you” or “I miss you.” They will schedule a time to see you and talk to you. They will try to sort through issues that lead to the breakup. There will be clear indications that they want to reconcile or at least try to reconcile.
This is not the case in the situations my clients are in. There are no indications at all that their partners want reconciliation. Yet, there’s still the “I don’t want to let go” on the part of my clients.
I have been thinking about how to help both of them and other people in the same “I don’t want to let go” situation and here are my thoughts. Sometimes people hold on to a relationship because if they let go, they are letting go of any chance for their partner to heal for them the wrongs and wounds of the relationship. In other words, if I let go of a partner who hurt me, he will never have the chance to make the pain he caused me right by me.
I think that is what’s going on here. These women (and I have coached men in the same situation) are holding on to their ex hoping that the ex will make up somehow for the hurt caused in the relationship, will somehow make it right. And some exes do reach back and make things right and some exes reconcile and go on to live together happily ever after.
But in this situation, the exes are showing no inclination to either reconcile or make things right, at all, and it has been like this for a long time. So how do I get my clients unstuck and be willing to let go of their ex? And if you are in the same situation, how can you get unstuck, stop trying to revive a dead relationship and move on with your life?
Forgiveness.
If you are able to forgive the person who hurt you, you no longer need to wait for the person to rite their wrongs. If they make amends and make things better, great. But your life is no longer on hold, no longer waiting for your ex to make things better for you. If you forgive, you are free.
Forgiveness is for you, not for them. It is a way of releasing yourself from the need for your ex to do anything to make you feel better. And there’s no requirement that you forget, but simply forgive, as in let go of the holding on of the pain, and the holding the other person responsible for your happiness. See them as having done the best they could, even if it was very worst for you. It was still the best they could do. And let go.
That is what I told my clients. Forgive your ex and in forgiving, let go of the relationship and be free to go on with your life. Say “I forgive you and let you go.” And keep saying it until you mean it. It seems to be working for them and perhaps it will work for you.
If you are dealing with a breakup, you may also want to read the following articles:
From the Heart,
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
I forgive my ex who left 6 months ago, ending our 10 year relationship.
But I still have hope that he will come back to me.
At the time of our break up, he did not want to talk about it.
Now, he seems much more open to it. He said sometimes he misses me and it hurts. That he’s not completely over it. He does think about me. He feels guilty for the pain he put me through. He talks about me more now with his friends than he did during our relationship. To my knowledge, he is dating someone else though.
I’m not sure what he wants from me. I know he wants to be friends, but I said early on I hope we can one day, but I need time to heal. Am I being immature by not being friends yet? Does what he’s saying, and the contact he wants to make mean he is reconsidering things?
Lisalisa: If your ex was reconsidering the relationship, he would let you know. It always amazes me how we women think we have to read men’s minds. For now, I suggest you take care of yourself and stay away as much as you can.
He wants to talk about what we’ve been going through.
Well, I’ve been going through hell.
At the same time, I have been taking a really good hard look at myself and my behavior in the relationship. It’s not been easy, but with a counselor I am working on myself. Perhaps I was incapable of giving the intimacy I so desired. It does take two.
after been with my ex it just made me wont him even more the passion we had is still there and he knows it he wont me back but he is still in a a relationship that he is working his way out of and he wonts us me and him to be patient. a little while longer. and that is what i wont
I just find out this site and i enjoyed your articles.
Thank you.
My 3.5 year fiance broke it off 6 months ago. After 2 months he contacted me saying that he loved me and that he missed me. That lasted for 1.5 months. Then again he told me we could just be friends. When I agreed to just beeing friends and go our separate ways, he reacted by saying that I wanted to see me again…and so on for another 1.5 months. Then again he said we could be friends….and in the last month I have not heard from him….I love him much and miss him much…what am I to do?
I can’t tell you what to do. But it must be very hard for you, him coming back in and out of your life all the time. Is that what you want?
If people suffer, they should let it go. Healthy relationships are good. Thank you for your article and explanation. And I agree that forgiveness is so important for moving on and healing.
My ex and I had been together for almost a year when things started to go sour. We were quickly falling apart. I know that I wanted and felt like I needed more attention and affection. I didn’t receive after I asked so I broke it off. I immediately after breaking up wanted to get back together. At the time I had never before felt the way I was feeling. Emotions were high. I was devastated. I wanted to die and thought that reconciliation would fix everything. He of course being a guy with an ego or just a human and hurt lol didn’t want to get back with me. I had to accept the fact and go through the very long journey to peace and self love. Approximately 1 year after the breakup. Throughout this year we still talked and saw each other. We were friends that had a past and yes we slept together too. We never dated anyone else. I think I knew that there was still something there between us and I liked it and hated it at the same time. Liked it because I loved him. Hated it because I wanted more. I felt I was being used because the tittle wasn’t there. Well after the year I had gotten over it, met someone and went out on a date. He found out and told me how he felt. That he loved me, that he wanted to be with me. All the things I wanted to hear a year ago. I was happy for the moment and didn’t see the other great guy again. Now a couple months ago we talked and he wanted to make it official and I said no. I can’t right now. I’m hurt that he took so long in opening up to me. So he is waiting now for something that might never happen. He knows this. I feel that I do love him and he loves me. I’m so scared that we will get back together and the same thing will happen again. Also I hate that he isn’t showing that he is into me. That he waits a long time to call me or see me. I want to feel like were dating. Which we basically are. I cant tell him that because he should want to be that way for himself. I guess what I’m trying to ask is should I move on because I’m looking for someone to show me they love me and want to try. Or should I stay, get back together and see if things change. Thank you for taking the time and reading this.
Lisalisa: Your story is very similar to mine. My ex left me 3 months ago ending our marriage. We dated for 9yrs and married for +1yrs. She suddenly decided to be someone else and moved out. I am going through the divorce process right now and I can tell you, it is the most painful thing I have done.
The last few weeks, she emails me and tells me that she misses me and thinks about me once awhile. She may think it brings comfort to me but it devastates me. I loved her but this love hurts me.
I, too, don’t know what she wants from me. I also know she wants to be friends because for the past 10yrs, we were best friends to each other. I told her that I don’t want to be friends with her anymore.
I pray that maybe she will grow up and realize she thrown away a great marriage but in the meantime, I am working on myself and move on.
Still, I miss my best friend…
Kelvin, thanks for sharing your story. My ex-fiance also wants to still be best friends after he left me for another woman. We had been together and absolute best friends for more than 4 years. Him leaving has been the worst thing in my life, absolute hell. And when he then nicely contacts me wanting to be best friends, it just makes things worst. How can one be best friends with someone who puts one through such hell, betrays one, and yet one really loves him? There is no way I can be JUST best friends…at least I don’t know how? So Kelvin thanks for sharing, I know how empty life suddenly is without the best friend…it almost does not seem much worth at times. Yet one can’t stay friends if they love someone else, it just multiplies the hurt.
I too so much miss my best friend still…
N, Thank you for your kind words.
Yes, I agree that being friends with someone they love just multiplies the pain. Trying to deal with the separation alone is terrible especially without a best friend. Part of me wants to keep the friendship going just to have some kind of connection but I know that is the worst thing I can do to myself. I will never understand how my ex leave when we weren’t broken.
Yes, I miss my best friend…
It is so hard to master the art of letting go because it leaves a deep wound and etched a scar in the heart. Letting go of the past relationship depends on every individual on how they handle the situation. There are some who takes a long time or short span of time to move forward after the failed relationship. I think if one learns how to accept the break up and faces the reality that there is no more commitment with the person they love, then he or she will have bigger chances of moving on to another step forward with his or her life.
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Regardless of my age, I’m going through an enormous heartbreak.Please don’t make your opinions simply out of my being so young.I really need some advice, anything, but especially the truth.I met my best friend August 7th of last year.So far, this story doesn’t sound very complicated right? Just wait.He’s a male, I’m a female which lead to his unexpected interest in me once we became closer friends.That “interest” has turned into him being completely in love with me. I didn’t believe it for at least 9 months.Take in mind people that I’ve went through life being given up on by the people I care most about. First my biological mom, then many other people I trusted. So when he informed me he loved me, I did everything in my power to push him away. Make him want to leave me before I became too attached and got hurt again. Horrible way to handle things, yes I know that now, but you’d understand at that moment if you were me. Throughout our first year of being very close best friends, I hurt him badly. Purposely tore him down with my words, testing him to see if he’d give up on me too. Even though, he said he’d never leave. I broke our trust with a lie, took advantage of his love for me. Oh, an important fact: I didn’t return those feelings during all of this, so imagine how much more difficult this made things for him. Loving someone that treated him like shit.Finally, it became too much for him, dealing with being walked all over. He left.It didn’t hit me till the next day.I realized how much I needed and cared for him. Inside, I knew it all along but refused to let myself see it, my pride was in the way.So I switched things all around.Gave myself an ultimatum: take down the wall I’d been hiding behind or lose him. Well, I kicked down that wall and my pride went with it. I became willing to do anything to get him back, prove to him he could trust me again. I cut off talking to my many other guy friends. Anyone who’s ever loved someone to the point where you feel like no one else matters but them, you know why I stopped talking to my guy friends.Anyway, we slowly(agonizingly slowly) began making progress. I felt like I was finally starting to get through to him. His feelings never went anywhere and I know he still wanted us but the problem was convincing him I’d really try this time. People, I try 200% for that boy, he means the world to me. I’m a good girl, hes a(used to be before he met me)bad boy, and he is liked by many girls. All of which hate the idea that he only has eyes for a girl(me) that doesn’t even like him back. And they take any opportunity to take his eyes off of me. Rumors to the maximum! From girls I’ve never met that seem to know me better than I know myself. Of course, with him barely believing a word I say and being so hurt from before, he can’t help but listen to them. They sound so good, make so much sense. “She has guys like you all over the place”, “She’ll never like you, get over her”, “She’s just lying to you again”. I do everything I possibly can to convince him that they’re not true. Everything!When he says things out of his own pain, I take it. And let me tell you, I’m a very strong-headed young lady, it takes alot for me to think I actually deserve unkind words. But this time, for everything I put him through, I really do deserve it. No, get the thought out of your head, he’s not taking advantage of my vulnerable state, he’s not that kind of person.So I listen to him tell me how much I screwed him over and hurt him. And everything he went through for me. I hate what I did to him, hate living with it everyday. But now I’m vowed to make him see how much I need him in my life. Well we went through that period of “slowwwww progress” and last Saturday he completely ended it. He couldn’t deal with the constant battle of not knowing who to believe anymore. Felt like he didn’t even know who I was anymore. I don’t blame him for being fed up with all the hurt. But every time I try to tell him “it won’t happen again, you can trust me”, all he hears is “the past, the past, the past”.And lately, my feelings have come to the surface. I had to go through so much before I saw them and now that their here, obviously he doesn’t believe them. Great timing heart…I’ve never been so sure of anything. I’ve gone through silly crushes before but inside I didn’t honestly care about those boys. But him, I cared about him on such an intense level before my feelings announced themselves that it means so much more. I want him so much, want him back in my life. But hes afraid of it all being another lie and don’t say “it’ll take time”. I already know that. But I can feel him slipping away, he doesn’t want to go but he feels like he cant take anymore. And please I beg you, don’t give me the “you’ll be okay, you’ll get over him, be strong, this’ll happen to you more than once” speech. Honestly people, I am a very rational person. I know in my heart, I will never be okay if I lose him completely. He’s touched my life so much, changed me, I’ll never be the same inside. I’ll go through the movements of life but I’ll never get over it. I might find some new love interest in the future but I won’t be able to give anyone the same level of love I gave and feel for him. And hell, be strong?! Without him, I feel so much weaker than my usual self(way too strong for my own good, so much pride in being untouched and keeping my guard up). I depend on him so much I can’t figure out who I’m supposed to be without him by my side.So please if anyone is going or has been through a similar situation. Or even if you just have some good advice on how I should get through to him. Let me know! I’m 15, by the way. And no, I am not just another stupid, take-everything-for-granted, lazy teenager. I am just in desperate need of some help. I’m alot more grown up inside that most of you probably think. Thanks.
I have been seeing a guy for about a year, our work schedules make it hard to hang out a lot. We talk and text everyday. Then one day he just stops texting and even answering the phone. It took me a few messages to realize that he didnt want to answer. But can someone tell me why he would just dissapear and not say its over? I thought he respected me more then that..
It has been like three weeks now, is this mean its over?
my current live in partner constantly contacts his ex whenever we had fights.. this relationship hurts me so much. He cheated on me many times.. i want to but dont know how to start letting go
i have been married for 34 years and my husband i met when i was 21 and he was 22. he had just gotten back from viet nam. he was my one and only man i ever dated and the frist to have sex with. Finally after 4 years of dating he finally asked me to marry him. we had to daughters and the white picket fence life. except something was missing for me. He always wanted sex no problem but i never had an orgasm with him. I accepted it that something was wrong with me but never told him and faked it. I never trusted him and finally after 15 years of marriage i caught him cheating on me while he was away in the army for 4 months. After such a long time of being together i decided to stay but also becasue i was scared to be alone and without him. He left again for a year about 3 years ago and i started to lose weight and talk on the computer to men . i developed confidence and met 2 of them and had sex with them. i then met a man at work who i told my story to and one thing lead to another and for 1 year he was my world . my husband was home then but i couldn’t forgive him for the affair and never trusted him and now i had someone i now began to love. my lover wanted to get married but i took to long to decided what was right for me and he started to distance himself from me. I taught my life was over casue my lover wouldn’t see me anymore and never ended it with me. he now met someone on line and he seems very happy and in love with her and shes single. there going to meet soon . my husband and i r now talking and i am trying to tell him everything i never told him before. i will never tell him about my lovers though except i will never get over my last. my heart still breaks knowing i will never see him or speak to him. i think of him offen and want things to work for both of us. i hope i will be able to conquer my want for someone else but i don;’t know i realy still want his life with me. i guess this is my punishment for cheating on my husband. thank you for reading this
Today its been 30 days since my exgirlfrrien told me she didnt want to be in the relationship….we have been together a little over two years, she’s told me the same three times and we get back together….she is ignoring my calls, text or emails ! ! Her previous relations was violent and I decided to give her all my love and attention and its bitting me it the butt now…..I want to give her space but when I start missing her after 3 – 5 days I call and things get worst……She has not removed our memories from her house and that has me confused, she tells me its over but yes all the memories are intact……I want to let her go but I can’t ! I have been to counseling and now taking antidepressants for two days…..what do I do !
maybe she doesn’t remove memories from her house because she doesn’t feel any pain when she sees these memories…so ….
I just got out of a relationship about a month ago now with a man I love dearly. Everything was fine and we hardly ever had a disagreement. I actually moved across town to be closer to him thinking that the relationship would be easier because of the distance. Then one day last month he comes by my place and tells me that he is not built for a relationship and does not ever want to be committed. I have been crushed ever since. He says he wants to be friends and I am trying to be mature and be his friend but it is difficult.
I know I need to let go of the relationship but I don’t know what steps I need to take to do that. I was so devoted and loyal to him and I just can’t understand how he could just let it go. He said I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he would be a fool if he ever left me. What happened?
Hi Natasha,
I know your pain. I’m not even trough my own pain yet. My fiance suddenly broke our relationship out of the blue. We had the perfect relationship and we never once had an argument or anything. I did not see it coming. He just wanted to be friends. And I in my devastation agreed to it, because I did not want to lose him. But then one day he tells me as a friend just a few months after he left me that he now has gotten married and if I would like to see the photos from the wedding. Believe me, you under not circumstances want to be friends. If he just wants to be friends, he is most likely seeing another woman romanticaly while he slowly can detach his feelings from you as you allow him to be your friend. It makes it all too easy for him to leave your for good. Do NOT be just his friend. He should feel the pain of losing you just as you feel the pain. And only if he feels the pain is there a chance that he will want you back and he will fight for your love back. If he doesn’t fight for your love back, there was no chance anyway that he will come back. Again, do not be just a friend. It hurts way worse than the breakup to just be a friend. You always keep hoping and not really living, until he decides to let you know that he is actually with another woman and he doesn’t even care if you are his friend. This being your friend BS is just a way of not telling you straight to the face that he just does not care about you at all. And if he did, he will fight to get your love back if you will not allow him to have you as just a friend while falling in love with someone else. So be strong, that is your only hope. Based on my own experience where I agreed to be just friends, and I lost it all in one huge blow. He does not give a crap. If he does, he will fight for it.
I am 16 and had been in a rough relationship since i was 14. We began seeing each other for 6 months and i really like him the whole time even though i knew he was seeing other girls. I was often hurt and ignored by him, finally we made it “official”. Everything to me seemed fine, although i noticed i could never really express my emotions to him. 2 months into our relationship he cheated on me and during that hole week he did not contact me, where i live there is schoolies after school as finished for everyone who had finished school for good and he was there with his gfriends and a few girls. Throughout that whole week he did not contact me until it was finished. I found out 3 months later and he loied for 2 months and then addmitted it was true. We still stayed together. After that i was so hurt and thought it would make me get over it by having fun and getting revenge. Its the worst thing i did, the guilt was horrible! We have had so much trust issues. He is so strong and acts like he doesnt care about most things. We have been fighting so much latly and he abuses me with the most horrinble names and makes me feel so small. then he comes runing back and i always take him back. He always laughs and says to me that ill come crawling back to him, which i do. I cant help it i cant let go. I am so strong for two weeks without speaking to him then i ruin it and call and cry to him… he knows that what evcer he does i will take him back. On the weekend we had an argument and i told him to not ever speak to me like that or leave me alone for good. he did and then hcalled me after the weekend and was trying to talk to me and see me and when i said no why r u doing this to me i need to move on from you he said to me, “fine just to help u and letting you know i cheated on you last night and two nights before that” i hung up on him straight away in hysterics. i texted him 2 hours later saying” i have accepted the fact i can never take you back for that im hurting but i need to let go and move on. I thought i didnt need to know who u did it with if it was any one i knew but i think i have a right to know now because it will save me from wondering”. This is what i say all the time though stuff like this and i always get weak and call him and run back and cry. I keep beleiving he will change and everything will be fine and we will get better, its not , its breaking me and i am failing at schoool and i am having big problems with my family. Please reply to me. How do i let go?
It has been 2 years and I’ve let go of a lot but not enough. The article helped. Yes, some of the time I got just what I most wanted. And…he did not love me, and after he bruised me, could not speak to me about it. I felt I needed to go, that that wasn’t acceptable. And I feel like the abandoned one. I know all the “old stuff” running here but it’s getting in the way of fully moving on. I know abuse isn’t acceptable (and that there was emotional abuse – how could I have forgotten that? but I just now remembered it… I guess I got fixated on how alone I feel right now and how unsafe it feels to move to anything new). Well, some learning there, I guess. For the record I know I’ve got flaws. I work so hard at being a better person. I would love to be loved for who I am and not used for what I have to offer and found wanting. Pity party done. On we go. Love and good wishes to all here.
I am going through a breakup too. The guy that I was with, at the beginning of the relationship broke my trust. He was lying about his past (who he was with, what he did, etc. ) After that we have had a rough time because I was always hurt and never able to forgive him fully. I was always on guard of it happening again. This caused him to bend over backwards a lot to prove to me he wasn’t lying. I think he got tired of it finally, (after a year and a half) because things are really falling apart. He seems to be letting go. The thought of him letting go is making me feel insane and hurt and emotional. It is causing me to say mean things, which is pushing him away even further. And when I do try to use all my willpower to pull away a bit, and if he says he misses me, then I start to feel guilty or angry or hopeful, a mix of emotions, and then I end up saying something mean again and it keeps happening. I am having such a hard time accepting that it is over, and moreso accepting that he is letting go of me. I guess the relationship really was based on need more than love, because I feel like I’m almost letting go of the addiction of having him there for me all the time. I keep checking my phone just for the comfort of seeing whether or not he called/texted. If he does text a nice message I feel guilty, if he doesn’t I feel angry. I don’t know what to do anymore. It is making me insane.
Dear Indigo, answer this question: How do you want to behave, how do you want to feel?
Now do that! Will yourself to do what you choose to do, rather than reacting and then feeling out of control with your reactions.
hi,
I’m a guy. I’m the “other” too. I knew she was with someone after meeting her for a week. She pretended her relationship was ending. She pretended that HE had been hurting her for so long and that I was the answer to her prayers. So that is why I decided to go on in this affair instead of that BIG red flag. It’s been 2 years since she told that to me. She said she was going to quit him….that I had to be patient…..two years since then…and still waiting for these problems to resolve.
She has done horrible things. I’ve tryed to quit her three times…but she always comes to me saying that she is not going to do it again, that it’s me the one she loves… so I say “ok, let’s try again”…and 2 or 3 days after this, she starts over again: she meets him, she is not tender, she doesn’t say “I love you” for weeks….(she pretends it is her way of loving…) she doesn’t answer to my calls…and I know that she doesn’t answer because she is with him (she admits it) ,etc….post-relational friendship between them?….ouffff!….I cannot accept their “friendship” because it’s been too hard for me….when I try to get away she says she loves me, that she is not going to see him again, etc…… like this last time: I thought she was going to do the THINGS to repair my trust……and……what happened?….she celebrated Christmas night with HIM…not with me….and still she pretends that she had to do it because bla, bla, bla…!! and that he was alone in this city, and bla, bla….
the QUESTION is:
if forgiveness is the answer to forget and to let her go……HOW can ANYONE forgive such a liar? such a manipulating person?…I try, but I can’t find the way…
I hate her and I love her at the same time…..you can’t imagine how I hate her….and at the same time i can’t forget her wonderful smile….
I’d love to forget even what her name is…
i feel really stucked…. and I’m going crazy…am I a too-jaleous-guy? I don’t know anything anymore….
Dear Love Coach Rinatta,
My situation is still so blurry to me, and Im hoping you could provide me with some insight and advice. I now am out of an on again, off again relationship once again that has been unstable since the beginning, which was almost two years ago. This guy has walked out on me so many times! The breakup took place a week ago today and I am still so angry, that I cant get through my days. I miss alot of things about him, but at the same time this is almost like a breath of fresh air and is probably for the best. He and I continue to exchange words about why our relationship didnt work out. His actions caused me to blow up the night before he left. I dont think he will ever understand why I got so upset. But what im angry about is that he promised me this last time around that he would never walk out on me again and that he would stick by my side and we would get through anything because he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and he wasnt willing to lose me again. I feel like I cant put closure to us until I get my point across that he once again, let me down and gave up on us. I want him to know that he didnt put fourth the effort he promised he would. WHY? Why did he feel the need to walk out on me again and not want to fix this. Is he fed up? If so, why does he keep coming in and out of my life and back for more? Obviously he’s unhappy. Why does he feel he can come and go as he pleases? I am trying to take your advice and just forgive him. I am trying to tell myself that he gave his best and now its time to move on. But I cant seem to do that because I dont feel like he gave it his best AT ALL! Please help me put closure..I love him dearly and just need to say enough is enough, its time to move on and let go.