Recently I have been working with a couple of clients who are stuck in wanting their no longer interested ex partners back. The ex partners are done with the relationship in both cases, but my clients do not want to let go.
To make it worst, they have much pain about not wanting to let go and take many actions to stop the letting go process. One of the clients who’s doing this contacts the man she used to be in a relationship with constantly, wanting to connect with him. His responses range from anger at her reaching out to compassion while asking her to be strong and move on with her life.
Another client does not contact her ex, but responds when the ex reaches out to her. Unfortunately, he never reaches out to reconnect, just to touch base on the phone, by text and email. They have no seen each other in many months.
These clients are stuck in that they do not want to let the relationship go. They would rather hold on to the fantasy that it can still be revived somehow, even thought their ex-partners are giving them no indication at all that revival of the relationship is possible.
What do I mean? If a person is considering getting back together with you, or trying again, they will let you know. They will call and say “I have been thinking about you” or “I miss you.” They will schedule a time to see you and talk to you. They will try to sort through issues that lead to the breakup. There will be clear indications that they want to reconcile or at least try to reconcile.
This is not the case in the situations my clients are in. There are no indications at all that their partners want reconciliation. Yet, there’s still the “I don’t want to let go” on the part of my clients.
I have been thinking about how to help both of them and other people in the same “I don’t want to let go” situation and here are my thoughts. Sometimes people hold on to a relationship because if they let go, they are letting go of any chance for their partner to heal for them the wrongs and wounds of the relationship. In other words, if I let go of a partner who hurt me, he will never have the chance to make the pain he caused me right by me.
I think that is what’s going on here. These women (and I have coached men in the same situation) are holding on to their ex hoping that the ex will make up somehow for the hurt caused in the relationship, will somehow make it right. And some exes do reach back and make things right and some exes reconcile and go on to live together happily ever after.
But in this situation, the exes are showing no inclination to either reconcile or make things right, at all, and it has been like this for a long time. So how do I get my clients unstuck and be willing to let go of their ex? And if you are in the same situation, how can you get unstuck, stop trying to revive a dead relationship and move on with your life?
Forgiveness.
If you are able to forgive the person who hurt you, you no longer need to wait for the person to rite their wrongs. If they make amends and make things better, great. But your life is no longer on hold, no longer waiting for your ex to make things better for you. If you forgive, you are free.
Forgiveness is for you, not for them. It is a way of releasing yourself from the need for your ex to do anything to make you feel better. And there’s no requirement that you forget, but simply forgive, as in let go of the holding on of the pain, and the holding the other person responsible for your happiness. See them as having done the best they could, even if it was very worst for you. It was still the best they could do. And let go.
That is what I told my clients. Forgive your ex and in forgiving, let go of the relationship and be free to go on with your life. Say “I forgive you and let you go.” And keep saying it until you mean it. It seems to be working for them and perhaps it will work for you.
If you are dealing with a breakup, you may also want to read the following articles:
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GB,
Reading your message just made me sad and I wanted to reach out to you and try to talk to you and help you if I can. Life is very hard and i’m also learning that the hard way. All you can do is try to be there for your child if your ex allows it. You have to be strong for your daughter because she will grow up and want to know about her daddy and when that day comes you have to be ready to be there for her. As for your ex I know its the most hardest thing to do but you have to let her go for now boy am I learning that. I to am in love with a man that I had to walk away from since he would not change his ways and its killing me every day but I try to stay strong for my children that we have together.
Stay strong
Denise
I am in a very bad place. I love my ex with all my heart we have a child together. We were together for seven years when she left it hurt deeply I feel that pain every second of the day. I lost everything all at once we started counseling but she just quit. Her and our child are my life my joy without them i am lost. I am now fighting depperssion and suicidal thoughts. Everyday is a burden I am stuck in a nightmare and think it would be better if I were dead. I miss them both so much I live with alot of pain and regret I have not been outside in sixteen months it hurt so much the world looks and feels so different. The holidays are the worst for me I can’t look anyone in the face it reminds me of what I don’t have any more. I don’t know where to go from here do I want to die or live like I have been I have not seen my daughter in five months It hurts when she asks me to come home with her cause that is all I want . I can’t sleep most nights this has caused so much unrest for me. Life has no meaning for me anymore I lost everything I love, every second is a thought just to end my suffering no more gas left in my tank no more love for life. What is really left but unhappiness
Hi, I just had gone through this and I was that person that didn’t want to let go. I can honestly say I wanted to stay for the kids first and my wife second, but ultimately wanted the family together. I did not want to fall into the norm of “if things don’t work out bail out” what so many couples will do. I was embarrassed to tell my co-workers and only told 3 to 4 very close friends about my wife leaving me, I felt like a failure accepting. I accepted half if not more of the blame for her wanting to leave me. I had asked if she was interested in going to counseling, she agreed but told me it wasn’t to get back together, it was for her own well being. On our third visit at 150.00 and hour I heard her say for the third time “I’m not going back” even though I wasn’t asking her to. I think she just wanted to make it clear, which really hurt me, at the same time it woke me up to I get it. At that time I told the counselor “I’m done” he looked at me and asked me if I was giving up after only a few sessions, that I’m suppose to be the leader and the strong one. I had apologized for giving up and said that I would continue to work on the relationship. We were going every two weeks so on our forth visit I was feeling good about myself and mentioned that I did a lot of thinking and praying about this and I decided to stop going to counseling and accepting the fact that my wife wants to move on. Now I felt good about this but I also felt “what did I just do” at the same time. Afterwards my ex-wife and I walked out to the parking lot and started to feel desperate and that this is it, so I talked to her for about a half hour trying one last time to see if we could work things out in any way. To me this was my last desperate attempt to save the marriage and in my mind I was set on accepting this if it didn’t work. I should of seen the writing on the wall sooner but I was in denial. It was now time for me to accept this fact that she wasn’t coming back. She drove away and I drove away at this time and this was the beginning of my healing, the fact that she was telling me it was over, over and over finally hit me hard enough to understand it. I guess everyone has a different threshold on when to let it go. Had I realized this sooner I would of started the healing sooner than later. The fact that I held on may or may not of been a good thing for myself but it is what it is. Reading what you mentioned about “if they want you back they’ll let you know” is so simple and so so true. Most of the time we let our emotions over rule our rationality, when if we would just stop and really think it over we would understand it much better and with a more logical response to our problem. I am now feeling really good about myself and in fact I feel sorry for her at times. One of the things I did was as you had mentioned, and I agree with you again was about forgiving the other person. I had forgiven her for anything she did to me, but before I did that I had to forgive myself first. I felt if I hadn’t forgiven myself first, it would have been very difficult to forgive her. I also had forgiven friends even if it was something small and not related to my relationship with my wife. I wanted to feel better about myself and when my apologizes were accepted with open arms and I can truly say that the people I had apologized to have so much more respect for me now. Those relationships are much stronger as well. Sometimes we feel that it is a weakness to say we’re sorry, it isn’t, in fact its a sign of strength in your character. My life is almost better than before, now that I’ve learn some very valuable learning experiences through this hard time in my life. I only see my kids half the time as when we are a couple and that was harder to accept but I must accept it because life is what it is. If I could give one piece of advice to anyone open to receive it would be to accept everybody and everything as they are or as it is. We all have a choice which nobody else can take away from us. Your choice would be to accept everything with love and kindness or take it personal and get angry. We are powerless over other people and circumstances in our lives, so its up to you to simples relax and smile when someone does something to you that you don’t like. Allow thought go in your head that you don’t like, but don’t take it as a personal attack Think about how you can respond in a kind and loving way and you will start to notice how people respond in a much different way. If you get angry or defensive they will to, if you take the high road and respond in a kind way they can no longer argue or say angry things to you. Its up to you to make a difference. You will have a much more inner peace and you will be more relaxed, resulting in a more fulfilling life for yourself and the ones around you. We teach what we want to learn……..I hope that I reached out and helped someone in need, I know how it feels and I would do anything to help anyone anytime, God Bless……
i love your concern about our we feel in life when you stress to love someone and at the end you leap nothing. i always cry , complain and feel low in my relationship.he drops the calls , calls at his convenient time and he expects u to pick up, he does not meet appointments. am kind of tired
Im a 20 year old female i have a 2 year old babygirl..im so in love with her father. We been together for almost five years…im startin to feel like he dont love me well if he ever did.. somebody please let me know how i can and should leave dis relationship..im tired of hurting and crying he dont seem to care either way..and i kinda feels he has another relationship possible another family..
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