Recently I have been working with a couple of clients who are stuck in wanting their no longer interested ex partners back. The ex partners are done with the relationship in both cases, but my clients do not want to let go.
To make it worst, they have much pain about not wanting to let go and take many actions to stop the letting go process. One of the clients who’s doing this contacts the man she used to be in a relationship with constantly, wanting to connect with him. His responses range from anger at her reaching out to compassion while asking her to be strong and move on with her life.
Another client does not contact her ex, but responds when the ex reaches out to her. Unfortunately, he never reaches out to reconnect, just to touch base on the phone, by text and email. They have no seen each other in many months.
These clients are stuck in that they do not want to let the relationship go. They would rather hold on to the fantasy that it can still be revived somehow, even thought their ex-partners are giving them no indication at all that revival of the relationship is possible.
What do I mean? If a person is considering getting back together with you, or trying again, they will let you know. They will call and say “I have been thinking about you” or “I miss you.” They will schedule a time to see you and talk to you. They will try to sort through issues that lead to the breakup. There will be clear indications that they want to reconcile or at least try to reconcile.
This is not the case in the situations my clients are in. There are no indications at all that their partners want reconciliation. Yet, there’s still the “I don’t want to let go” on the part of my clients.
I have been thinking about how to help both of them and other people in the same “I don’t want to let go” situation and here are my thoughts. Sometimes people hold on to a relationship because if they let go, they are letting go of any chance for their partner to heal for them the wrongs and wounds of the relationship. In other words, if I let go of a partner who hurt me, he will never have the chance to make the pain he caused me right by me.
I think that is what’s going on here. These women (and I have coached men in the same situation) are holding on to their ex hoping that the ex will make up somehow for the hurt caused in the relationship, will somehow make it right. And some exes do reach back and make things right and some exes reconcile and go on to live together happily ever after.
But in this situation, the exes are showing no inclination to either reconcile or make things right, at all, and it has been like this for a long time. So how do I get my clients unstuck and be willing to let go of their ex? And if you are in the same situation, how can you get unstuck, stop trying to revive a dead relationship and move on with your life?
Forgiveness.
If you are able to forgive the person who hurt you, you no longer need to wait for the person to rite their wrongs. If they make amends and make things better, great. But your life is no longer on hold, no longer waiting for your ex to make things better for you. If you forgive, you are free.
Forgiveness is for you, not for them. It is a way of releasing yourself from the need for your ex to do anything to make you feel better. And there’s no requirement that you forget, but simply forgive, as in let go of the holding on of the pain, and the holding the other person responsible for your happiness. See them as having done the best they could, even if it was very worst for you. It was still the best they could do. And let go.
That is what I told my clients. Forgive your ex and in forgiving, let go of the relationship and be free to go on with your life. Say “I forgive you and let you go.” And keep saying it until you mean it. It seems to be working for them and perhaps it will work for you.
If you are dealing with a breakup, you may also want to read the following articles:
From the Heart,
{ 65 comments… read them below or add one }
I forgive my ex who left 6 months ago, ending our 10 year relationship.
But I still have hope that he will come back to me.
At the time of our break up, he did not want to talk about it.
Now, he seems much more open to it. He said sometimes he misses me and it hurts. That he’s not completely over it. He does think about me. He feels guilty for the pain he put me through. He talks about me more now with his friends than he did during our relationship. To my knowledge, he is dating someone else though.
I’m not sure what he wants from me. I know he wants to be friends, but I said early on I hope we can one day, but I need time to heal. Am I being immature by not being friends yet? Does what he’s saying, and the contact he wants to make mean he is reconsidering things?
Lisalisa: If your ex was reconsidering the relationship, he would let you know. It always amazes me how we women think we have to read men’s minds. For now, I suggest you take care of yourself and stay away as much as you can.
He wants to talk about what we’ve been going through.
Well, I’ve been going through hell.
At the same time, I have been taking a really good hard look at myself and my behavior in the relationship. It’s not been easy, but with a counselor I am working on myself. Perhaps I was incapable of giving the intimacy I so desired. It does take two.
I am answering because of the hell I myself have gone through. I do not know abou the hell you have gone through. I do know that love has put myself through the hell that only those who deserve it should understand…but I understand anyway. The woman I love I cannot tell her how I feel, as it would cause her problems. What I do know though, is that there is nothing else in this life which matters. I belong to the woman I am in love with. But I would never lie to her, I would never tell her that I need intimacy, I would never tell her that her smile is why I wake up each day, I would not tell her that who she is is the reason of why I am.
Intimacy. Two. It is there, yet it is gone. I love this woman, but I know I am another Clark Kent, I am not the superman. This is your choice, whether you accept Superman, or if you accept Clark Kent. Then there is the final question, is he Clark Kent, or is he Superman? I have personally been only the Clark Kent type, never knowing who I truly care for. I am sorry I took so long to reply. I have nothing left for myself, all I can do is pass the ammo.
after been with my ex it just made me wont him even more the passion we had is still there and he knows it he wont me back but he is still in a a relationship that he is working his way out of and he wonts us me and him to be patient. a little while longer. and that is what i wont
I just find out this site and i enjoyed your articles.
Thank you.
My 3.5 year fiance broke it off 6 months ago. After 2 months he contacted me saying that he loved me and that he missed me. That lasted for 1.5 months. Then again he told me we could just be friends. When I agreed to just beeing friends and go our separate ways, he reacted by saying that I wanted to see me again…and so on for another 1.5 months. Then again he said we could be friends….and in the last month I have not heard from him….I love him much and miss him much…what am I to do?
Hi guys, I just broke up with my GF that I have been dating for so long…Well the story is like this after we broke up, I ended up dating with another girl. My ex call me constantly asking me to come back…even though I hate it…. I enjoy the felling of attention and the felling of being wanted. Well eventually she stop calling me and stop seeing me…. My heart was broken. honestly speaking, it sucks when you cant get what you want… Even though I want her full attention, she didn’t give it to me…. and now I realized what a jerk I am for leading her on, letting her think that we can get back together when i know for sure we wont.
So here is an advice to some of you ladies that has EX that are keeping you on string….. forget them, the reason why they call you or seeing you is because one they are bore and got nothing to do, they got into an argument with their GF or finally they want a quick sex.
it is that simple ladies….
We guys are not that complicated
My ex after two months of break up due to third party ask my number and also he wanted to chat with me even if he has new gf. I don’t understand why he would do such things. He said he missed me. It make’s me confuse. Some advice please.
I can’t tell you what to do. But it must be very hard for you, him coming back in and out of your life all the time. Is that what you want?
I was in a relationship with someone who kept coming in and out of my life. Because of my love for him, i kept taking him back. He would tell me he needs me and that he was sorry. I know in that relationship, I had my flaws. He says, I’m the reason why he breaks up with me so often. And that I push him. We often agrue over pety issues that would last for days. We managed to work things out until our next dillema. He doesn’t like it when you give him a negative feedback. I let this happen for over 2 years. I though I found that man that will treat me different than my previous relationship. Instead! it turns out the same but different format. How can he tell me he needs me and in-love with me but yet leave me too many times? I’m still in the process of healing.
i have spent the past year trying to get over a fella. he has a gf and still calls me 2x month. just to check on me. I have never had time to get over him. we shared so much over 4yrs. I think my problem is he was a friend, first an that is the part I miss, but I havnt been able to move on with my world bcause I am waiting for him to come back I am exspecting himto call and tell me he is ready to see me now. Man is that stupid cause he is just saying that to keep me on a string. well I am going to move on, he is not happy in the relationship and uses me to lift his spirits and that is just selfish. I am letting my self off the hook. I am starting again for the 50th time feels like but here we go. I will be sad till May 1, then I am done with that part.
Emma – This is a reply for Emma’s post April 25, 2010.
I just want to tell you, I was with my ex for 5+ years and engaged to be married for 3 years, when he walked away and started dating another woman. I let him string me along for a very long 8 months. I went along with it thinking he would come back. Yes, I missed him mostly as a friend, but I could not handle him telling me about the other woman. So I figured, no matter what it takes and how much it hurts, I had to cut him off completely under those circumstances. I realized I could never heal and move on if I stayed in that situation. And He (my ex) could not respect me for keeping in contact with him when he was seeing another woman, and I realized the only way he would ever want to come back is if he realized that I was not the kind of woman to be involved on any level with a man who is with another woman in any form. Either way I had to be better off with absolutely cutting him off. Either I would move on and find someone new in time, or he would start to realize what he had lost and respect me again. So I changed my phone number. So finally he emailed me at work after six months. But it was just a ‘how are you’ email. I figured if he wants me back, he will be more clear than that. This email sounded just like something to string me along further. So I cried a lot for a whole month…because that email opened the wound again which I though was almost closed. But after that, my wound was completely shut and I began to enjoy life again like a normal person. He had his chance. I may still take him back if he would really mean it, but I mean really really really mean it. But at the moment a relationship with a clean start with someone new seems almost like a better idea.
So, I say make it clear that you will not be just a friend or just a sister. You had invested to much time already to be just that or just cut him off pretending that you simply don’t care anymore and have moved on. IF he wants you back, he knows where you are and how to do that. If not, you have a chance to heal and stop wasting your life because of him.
Just my idea. I’m not a professional, but I have been through hell and have read more books about this than I can count.
You are not alone! Be brave – It’s YOUR LIFE! He may not care, but YOU are responsible for your life and your happiness.
If people suffer, they should let it go. Healthy relationships are good. Thank you for your article and explanation. And I agree that forgiveness is so important for moving on and healing.
My ex and I had been together for almost a year when things started to go sour. We were quickly falling apart. I know that I wanted and felt like I needed more attention and affection. I didn’t receive after I asked so I broke it off. I immediately after breaking up wanted to get back together. At the time I had never before felt the way I was feeling. Emotions were high. I was devastated. I wanted to die and thought that reconciliation would fix everything. He of course being a guy with an ego or just a human and hurt lol didn’t want to get back with me. I had to accept the fact and go through the very long journey to peace and self love. Approximately 1 year after the breakup. Throughout this year we still talked and saw each other. We were friends that had a past and yes we slept together too. We never dated anyone else. I think I knew that there was still something there between us and I liked it and hated it at the same time. Liked it because I loved him. Hated it because I wanted more. I felt I was being used because the tittle wasn’t there. Well after the year I had gotten over it, met someone and went out on a date. He found out and told me how he felt. That he loved me, that he wanted to be with me. All the things I wanted to hear a year ago. I was happy for the moment and didn’t see the other great guy again. Now a couple months ago we talked and he wanted to make it official and I said no. I can’t right now. I’m hurt that he took so long in opening up to me. So he is waiting now for something that might never happen. He knows this. I feel that I do love him and he loves me. I’m so scared that we will get back together and the same thing will happen again. Also I hate that he isn’t showing that he is into me. That he waits a long time to call me or see me. I want to feel like were dating. Which we basically are. I cant tell him that because he should want to be that way for himself. I guess what I’m trying to ask is should I move on because I’m looking for someone to show me they love me and want to try. Or should I stay, get back together and see if things change. Thank you for taking the time and reading this.
Lisalisa: Your story is very similar to mine. My ex left me 3 months ago ending our marriage. We dated for 9yrs and married for +1yrs. She suddenly decided to be someone else and moved out. I am going through the divorce process right now and I can tell you, it is the most painful thing I have done.
The last few weeks, she emails me and tells me that she misses me and thinks about me once awhile. She may think it brings comfort to me but it devastates me. I loved her but this love hurts me.
I, too, don’t know what she wants from me. I also know she wants to be friends because for the past 10yrs, we were best friends to each other. I told her that I don’t want to be friends with her anymore.
I pray that maybe she will grow up and realize she thrown away a great marriage but in the meantime, I am working on myself and move on.
Still, I miss my best friend…
Kelvin, thanks for sharing your story. My ex-fiance also wants to still be best friends after he left me for another woman. We had been together and absolute best friends for more than 4 years. Him leaving has been the worst thing in my life, absolute hell. And when he then nicely contacts me wanting to be best friends, it just makes things worst. How can one be best friends with someone who puts one through such hell, betrays one, and yet one really loves him? There is no way I can be JUST best friends…at least I don’t know how? So Kelvin thanks for sharing, I know how empty life suddenly is without the best friend…it almost does not seem much worth at times. Yet one can’t stay friends if they love someone else, it just multiplies the hurt.
I too so much miss my best friend still…
don’t fool yourself on being friends….unless you have shared parental involvement or shared investments there is IMO NO NEED at all to remain in touch….maybe wayyyyyy down the road (3 yrs or so) you can be civil, but why else? .treat it as an addiction you have to go cold turkey from…there is a great saying i once came across: ”friends can become lovers…but the opposite is seldom true.” (absolutely agree)
Canali, sounds like you believe your anger somehow hurts her, while in reality it only hurts you. When you are angry at her, or hurting, or thinking about her, it does not affect her. But it does affect you. So let go. Stop thinking about her. I mean stop, as in when a thought of her comes up, force yourself to think about something else. Thoughts of her are simply a mental habit, much like biting your nails is a physical habit, so simply force yourself to stop. Let go and move on.
N, Thank you for your kind words.
Yes, I agree that being friends with someone they love just multiplies the pain. Trying to deal with the separation alone is terrible especially without a best friend. Part of me wants to keep the friendship going just to have some kind of connection but I know that is the worst thing I can do to myself. I will never understand how my ex leave when we weren’t broken.
Yes, I miss my best friend…
It is so hard to master the art of letting go because it leaves a deep wound and etched a scar in the heart. Letting go of the past relationship depends on every individual on how they handle the situation. There are some who takes a long time or short span of time to move forward after the failed relationship. I think if one learns how to accept the break up and faces the reality that there is no more commitment with the person they love, then he or she will have bigger chances of moving on to another step forward with his or her life.
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Regardless of my age, I’m going through an enormous heartbreak.Please don’t make your opinions simply out of my being so young.I really need some advice, anything, but especially the truth.I met my best friend August 7th of last year.So far, this story doesn’t sound very complicated right? Just wait.He’s a male, I’m a female which lead to his unexpected interest in me once we became closer friends.That “interest” has turned into him being completely in love with me. I didn’t believe it for at least 9 months.Take in mind people that I’ve went through life being given up on by the people I care most about. First my biological mom, then many other people I trusted. So when he informed me he loved me, I did everything in my power to push him away. Make him want to leave me before I became too attached and got hurt again. Horrible way to handle things, yes I know that now, but you’d understand at that moment if you were me. Throughout our first year of being very close best friends, I hurt him badly. Purposely tore him down with my words, testing him to see if he’d give up on me too. Even though, he said he’d never leave. I broke our trust with a lie, took advantage of his love for me. Oh, an important fact: I didn’t return those feelings during all of this, so imagine how much more difficult this made things for him. Loving someone that treated him like shit.Finally, it became too much for him, dealing with being walked all over. He left.It didn’t hit me till the next day.I realized how much I needed and cared for him. Inside, I knew it all along but refused to let myself see it, my pride was in the way.So I switched things all around.Gave myself an ultimatum: take down the wall I’d been hiding behind or lose him. Well, I kicked down that wall and my pride went with it. I became willing to do anything to get him back, prove to him he could trust me again. I cut off talking to my many other guy friends. Anyone who’s ever loved someone to the point where you feel like no one else matters but them, you know why I stopped talking to my guy friends.Anyway, we slowly(agonizingly slowly) began making progress. I felt like I was finally starting to get through to him. His feelings never went anywhere and I know he still wanted us but the problem was convincing him I’d really try this time. People, I try 200% for that boy, he means the world to me. I’m a good girl, hes a(used to be before he met me)bad boy, and he is liked by many girls. All of which hate the idea that he only has eyes for a girl(me) that doesn’t even like him back. And they take any opportunity to take his eyes off of me. Rumors to the maximum! From girls I’ve never met that seem to know me better than I know myself. Of course, with him barely believing a word I say and being so hurt from before, he can’t help but listen to them. They sound so good, make so much sense. “She has guys like you all over the place”, “She’ll never like you, get over her”, “She’s just lying to you again”. I do everything I possibly can to convince him that they’re not true. Everything!When he says things out of his own pain, I take it. And let me tell you, I’m a very strong-headed young lady, it takes alot for me to think I actually deserve unkind words. But this time, for everything I put him through, I really do deserve it. No, get the thought out of your head, he’s not taking advantage of my vulnerable state, he’s not that kind of person.So I listen to him tell me how much I screwed him over and hurt him. And everything he went through for me. I hate what I did to him, hate living with it everyday. But now I’m vowed to make him see how much I need him in my life. Well we went through that period of “slowwwww progress” and last Saturday he completely ended it. He couldn’t deal with the constant battle of not knowing who to believe anymore. Felt like he didn’t even know who I was anymore. I don’t blame him for being fed up with all the hurt. But every time I try to tell him “it won’t happen again, you can trust me”, all he hears is “the past, the past, the past”.And lately, my feelings have come to the surface. I had to go through so much before I saw them and now that their here, obviously he doesn’t believe them. Great timing heart…I’ve never been so sure of anything. I’ve gone through silly crushes before but inside I didn’t honestly care about those boys. But him, I cared about him on such an intense level before my feelings announced themselves that it means so much more. I want him so much, want him back in my life. But hes afraid of it all being another lie and don’t say “it’ll take time”. I already know that. But I can feel him slipping away, he doesn’t want to go but he feels like he cant take anymore. And please I beg you, don’t give me the “you’ll be okay, you’ll get over him, be strong, this’ll happen to you more than once” speech. Honestly people, I am a very rational person. I know in my heart, I will never be okay if I lose him completely. He’s touched my life so much, changed me, I’ll never be the same inside. I’ll go through the movements of life but I’ll never get over it. I might find some new love interest in the future but I won’t be able to give anyone the same level of love I gave and feel for him. And hell, be strong?! Without him, I feel so much weaker than my usual self(way too strong for my own good, so much pride in being untouched and keeping my guard up). I depend on him so much I can’t figure out who I’m supposed to be without him by my side.So please if anyone is going or has been through a similar situation. Or even if you just have some good advice on how I should get through to him. Let me know! I’m 15, by the way. And no, I am not just another stupid, take-everything-for-granted, lazy teenager. I am just in desperate need of some help. I’m alot more grown up inside that most of you probably think. Thanks.
I have been seeing a guy for about a year, our work schedules make it hard to hang out a lot. We talk and text everyday. Then one day he just stops texting and even answering the phone. It took me a few messages to realize that he didnt want to answer. But can someone tell me why he would just dissapear and not say its over? I thought he respected me more then that..
It has been like three weeks now, is this mean its over?
Lynn, by him not answering your calls and contacting you, his actions are indicating that he may not want to continue with the relationship. I believe that if a guy is truly into you, he would not disappear on you like that. He hasn’t returned your calls because he may have difficulty letting you know that he wants out. You should move on and find someone who cares for you as much as you care for them.
my current live in partner constantly contacts his ex whenever we had fights.. this relationship hurts me so much. He cheated on me many times.. i want to but dont know how to start letting go
i have been married for 34 years and my husband i met when i was 21 and he was 22. he had just gotten back from viet nam. he was my one and only man i ever dated and the frist to have sex with. Finally after 4 years of dating he finally asked me to marry him. we had to daughters and the white picket fence life. except something was missing for me. He always wanted sex no problem but i never had an orgasm with him. I accepted it that something was wrong with me but never told him and faked it. I never trusted him and finally after 15 years of marriage i caught him cheating on me while he was away in the army for 4 months. After such a long time of being together i decided to stay but also becasue i was scared to be alone and without him. He left again for a year about 3 years ago and i started to lose weight and talk on the computer to men . i developed confidence and met 2 of them and had sex with them. i then met a man at work who i told my story to and one thing lead to another and for 1 year he was my world . my husband was home then but i couldn’t forgive him for the affair and never trusted him and now i had someone i now began to love. my lover wanted to get married but i took to long to decided what was right for me and he started to distance himself from me. I taught my life was over casue my lover wouldn’t see me anymore and never ended it with me. he now met someone on line and he seems very happy and in love with her and shes single. there going to meet soon . my husband and i r now talking and i am trying to tell him everything i never told him before. i will never tell him about my lovers though except i will never get over my last. my heart still breaks knowing i will never see him or speak to him. i think of him offen and want things to work for both of us. i hope i will be able to conquer my want for someone else but i don;’t know i realy still want his life with me. i guess this is my punishment for cheating on my husband. thank you for reading this
Today its been 30 days since my exgirlfrrien told me she didnt want to be in the relationship….we have been together a little over two years, she’s told me the same three times and we get back together….she is ignoring my calls, text or emails ! ! Her previous relations was violent and I decided to give her all my love and attention and its bitting me it the butt now…..I want to give her space but when I start missing her after 3 – 5 days I call and things get worst……She has not removed our memories from her house and that has me confused, she tells me its over but yes all the memories are intact……I want to let her go but I can’t ! I have been to counseling and now taking antidepressants for two days…..what do I do !
maybe she doesn’t remove memories from her house because she doesn’t feel any pain when she sees these memories…so ….
I just got out of a relationship about a month ago now with a man I love dearly. Everything was fine and we hardly ever had a disagreement. I actually moved across town to be closer to him thinking that the relationship would be easier because of the distance. Then one day last month he comes by my place and tells me that he is not built for a relationship and does not ever want to be committed. I have been crushed ever since. He says he wants to be friends and I am trying to be mature and be his friend but it is difficult.
I know I need to let go of the relationship but I don’t know what steps I need to take to do that. I was so devoted and loyal to him and I just can’t understand how he could just let it go. He said I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he would be a fool if he ever left me. What happened?
Hi Natasha,
I know your pain. I’m not even trough my own pain yet. My fiance suddenly broke our relationship out of the blue. We had the perfect relationship and we never once had an argument or anything. I did not see it coming. He just wanted to be friends. And I in my devastation agreed to it, because I did not want to lose him. But then one day he tells me as a friend just a few months after he left me that he now has gotten married and if I would like to see the photos from the wedding. Believe me, you under not circumstances want to be friends. If he just wants to be friends, he is most likely seeing another woman romanticaly while he slowly can detach his feelings from you as you allow him to be your friend. It makes it all too easy for him to leave your for good. Do NOT be just his friend. He should feel the pain of losing you just as you feel the pain. And only if he feels the pain is there a chance that he will want you back and he will fight for your love back. If he doesn’t fight for your love back, there was no chance anyway that he will come back. Again, do not be just a friend. It hurts way worse than the breakup to just be a friend. You always keep hoping and not really living, until he decides to let you know that he is actually with another woman and he doesn’t even care if you are his friend. This being your friend BS is just a way of not telling you straight to the face that he just does not care about you at all. And if he did, he will fight to get your love back if you will not allow him to have you as just a friend while falling in love with someone else. So be strong, that is your only hope. Based on my own experience where I agreed to be just friends, and I lost it all in one huge blow. He does not give a crap. If he does, he will fight for it.
I am 16 and had been in a rough relationship since i was 14. We began seeing each other for 6 months and i really like him the whole time even though i knew he was seeing other girls. I was often hurt and ignored by him, finally we made it “official”. Everything to me seemed fine, although i noticed i could never really express my emotions to him. 2 months into our relationship he cheated on me and during that hole week he did not contact me, where i live there is schoolies after school as finished for everyone who had finished school for good and he was there with his gfriends and a few girls. Throughout that whole week he did not contact me until it was finished. I found out 3 months later and he loied for 2 months and then addmitted it was true. We still stayed together. After that i was so hurt and thought it would make me get over it by having fun and getting revenge. Its the worst thing i did, the guilt was horrible! We have had so much trust issues. He is so strong and acts like he doesnt care about most things. We have been fighting so much latly and he abuses me with the most horrinble names and makes me feel so small. then he comes runing back and i always take him back. He always laughs and says to me that ill come crawling back to him, which i do. I cant help it i cant let go. I am so strong for two weeks without speaking to him then i ruin it and call and cry to him… he knows that what evcer he does i will take him back. On the weekend we had an argument and i told him to not ever speak to me like that or leave me alone for good. he did and then hcalled me after the weekend and was trying to talk to me and see me and when i said no why r u doing this to me i need to move on from you he said to me, “fine just to help u and letting you know i cheated on you last night and two nights before that” i hung up on him straight away in hysterics. i texted him 2 hours later saying” i have accepted the fact i can never take you back for that im hurting but i need to let go and move on. I thought i didnt need to know who u did it with if it was any one i knew but i think i have a right to know now because it will save me from wondering”. This is what i say all the time though stuff like this and i always get weak and call him and run back and cry. I keep beleiving he will change and everything will be fine and we will get better, its not , its breaking me and i am failing at schoool and i am having big problems with my family. Please reply to me. How do i let go?
It has been 2 years and I’ve let go of a lot but not enough. The article helped. Yes, some of the time I got just what I most wanted. And…he did not love me, and after he bruised me, could not speak to me about it. I felt I needed to go, that that wasn’t acceptable. And I feel like the abandoned one. I know all the “old stuff” running here but it’s getting in the way of fully moving on. I know abuse isn’t acceptable (and that there was emotional abuse – how could I have forgotten that? but I just now remembered it… I guess I got fixated on how alone I feel right now and how unsafe it feels to move to anything new). Well, some learning there, I guess. For the record I know I’ve got flaws. I work so hard at being a better person. I would love to be loved for who I am and not used for what I have to offer and found wanting. Pity party done. On we go. Love and good wishes to all here.
I am going through a breakup too. The guy that I was with, at the beginning of the relationship broke my trust. He was lying about his past (who he was with, what he did, etc. ) After that we have had a rough time because I was always hurt and never able to forgive him fully. I was always on guard of it happening again. This caused him to bend over backwards a lot to prove to me he wasn’t lying. I think he got tired of it finally, (after a year and a half) because things are really falling apart. He seems to be letting go. The thought of him letting go is making me feel insane and hurt and emotional. It is causing me to say mean things, which is pushing him away even further. And when I do try to use all my willpower to pull away a bit, and if he says he misses me, then I start to feel guilty or angry or hopeful, a mix of emotions, and then I end up saying something mean again and it keeps happening. I am having such a hard time accepting that it is over, and moreso accepting that he is letting go of me. I guess the relationship really was based on need more than love, because I feel like I’m almost letting go of the addiction of having him there for me all the time. I keep checking my phone just for the comfort of seeing whether or not he called/texted. If he does text a nice message I feel guilty, if he doesn’t I feel angry. I don’t know what to do anymore. It is making me insane.
Dear Indigo, answer this question: How do you want to behave, how do you want to feel?
Now do that! Will yourself to do what you choose to do, rather than reacting and then feeling out of control with your reactions.
hi,
I’m a guy. I’m the “other” too. I knew she was with someone after meeting her for a week. She pretended her relationship was ending. She pretended that HE had been hurting her for so long and that I was the answer to her prayers. So that is why I decided to go on in this affair instead of that BIG red flag. It’s been 2 years since she told that to me. She said she was going to quit him….that I had to be patient…..two years since then…and still waiting for these problems to resolve.
She has done horrible things. I’ve tryed to quit her three times…but she always comes to me saying that she is not going to do it again, that it’s me the one she loves… so I say “ok, let’s try again”…and 2 or 3 days after this, she starts over again: she meets him, she is not tender, she doesn’t say “I love you” for weeks….(she pretends it is her way of loving…) she doesn’t answer to my calls…and I know that she doesn’t answer because she is with him (she admits it) ,etc….post-relational friendship between them?….ouffff!….I cannot accept their “friendship” because it’s been too hard for me….when I try to get away she says she loves me, that she is not going to see him again, etc…… like this last time: I thought she was going to do the THINGS to repair my trust……and……what happened?….she celebrated Christmas night with HIM…not with me….and still she pretends that she had to do it because bla, bla, bla…!! and that he was alone in this city, and bla, bla….
the QUESTION is:
if forgiveness is the answer to forget and to let her go……HOW can ANYONE forgive such a liar? such a manipulating person?…I try, but I can’t find the way…
I hate her and I love her at the same time…..you can’t imagine how I hate her….and at the same time i can’t forget her wonderful smile….
I’d love to forget even what her name is…
i feel really stucked…. and I’m going crazy…am I a too-jaleous-guy? I don’t know anything anymore….
Dear Love Coach Rinatta,
My situation is still so blurry to me, and Im hoping you could provide me with some insight and advice. I now am out of an on again, off again relationship once again that has been unstable since the beginning, which was almost two years ago. This guy has walked out on me so many times! The breakup took place a week ago today and I am still so angry, that I cant get through my days. I miss alot of things about him, but at the same time this is almost like a breath of fresh air and is probably for the best. He and I continue to exchange words about why our relationship didnt work out. His actions caused me to blow up the night before he left. I dont think he will ever understand why I got so upset. But what im angry about is that he promised me this last time around that he would never walk out on me again and that he would stick by my side and we would get through anything because he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and he wasnt willing to lose me again. I feel like I cant put closure to us until I get my point across that he once again, let me down and gave up on us. I want him to know that he didnt put fourth the effort he promised he would. WHY? Why did he feel the need to walk out on me again and not want to fix this. Is he fed up? If so, why does he keep coming in and out of my life and back for more? Obviously he’s unhappy. Why does he feel he can come and go as he pleases? I am trying to take your advice and just forgive him. I am trying to tell myself that he gave his best and now its time to move on. But I cant seem to do that because I dont feel like he gave it his best AT ALL! Please help me put closure..I love him dearly and just need to say enough is enough, its time to move on and let go.
After reading your article I found it in a way, comforting but I do not totally agree with you about the forgivness thing.
I myself am in the same position as your clients as well as many of the people who have commented. It is important to forgive an ex so that you are free from any bitterness and feel ready to move on but it doesnt answer the question of.. how do you go about forgiving and moving on?
I met my ex 3 years ago but we have never been exclusive as we lived quite far apart and had very different lives (I was still in education while he worked full time). Throughout this time my feelings grew deeply for him and although I suspected he was seeing other women, I did not date anyone else. Over the years I have been a constant support to him, and have always been there for him. I attended family events, weddings, parties etc. We are very close and although I know he cares for me, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. It was only recently that he admited to me that he has been seeing other women and that himself and I could never be in an exclusive relationship. My ultimatium was either stay available for him to contact or meet every so often or there was no point in us even being friends. This boy has given me so many great moments, has spent hours upon hours talking to me about everything and anything… we have hundreds of personal jokes, movies we both like, songs that remind us of each other. He open up a whole new world for me.. so needless to say I was crushed.
People have many reasons for not wanting to move on from a relationship. If I am to be honest, my reason for not wanting to move on is that I feel I put a lot into the relationship and have so many special moments and had such a great connection with this person. I do not want to throw the towel in when maybe just maybe things could work out, that my ex will change.. the heartbreaking fact I had to face is that they will not change especially if I allow them to walk over me.
I believe the way to move on from relationships like these is distance. Being in constant contact with an ex is too painful especially when they seem ok with the break-up (or as in my case; seem ok with not wanting to be with JUST you). What I have found especially hurtful was how the ex talks about how great their life is (without you) while your struggling to imagine a life without your partner in it. You need to be strong and cut this person from your life, even if it’s just temporary. I know it sounds harsh but this is not you being mean ..there is no point in torturing youself. If your ex is not willing to stay or be in a relationship with you, then they should not get to lean on you for any type of support whether it be for comfort or just company. I also think it is good to be mad at your ex for a while.. (but when I say mad I do not mean bitter and hurtful towards them). As childish as it sounds I told myself I was angry or ‘huffing’ with my ex, which stopped me talking to him and helped me to forget my feelings of love for him. Also, this may sound a bit strange but I wrote a letter to myself which details all the annoying and bad things about my ex and reasons why I shouldn’t be with HIM. I recommend everyone do this. Write some positive things about yourself in it too. I have often read this letter when I start to miss my ex.. and it makes me feel a lot better. You need to be selfish and think about yourself.. These exes were lucky to be part of your life not the other way about…Treat yourself, find a distraction..The expression “don’t make someone your everything, if to them your only an option” is a rule I now really listen to… Little by little the pain and hurt will fade (I can promise this) and it will eventually lead to you forgiving your ex and being able to move on.
dear liza,
hi im charie it been 6 months that me and my boyfriend brake up and i got a difficulty of accpeting the fact that he is gone..my boyfriend is a nice man he is the man i prayed for ..i though wer ok and happy we have god we prayed together and go church together he is the perfect man for me that i want to share my life with tell god will come..its january wen we brake up and until now its still hard i say i forgive him but its not easy to forget him after all the things we had…now we are friends we talk and he even call me every friday to pary we brake up good..and now can i ask u is there any possibilities for us to get back together..how can i cope up with this pls help me..thanks
I have been pushed away to protect me from her world, which has not been a good world. She has suffered more than everyone I know put together. Growing up, it has taken me a very long time to come to terms with the extraordinary pain I lived through. Yet this person got me through more pain than I thought I could survive. She had to move on, she had to leave behind that world of pain. We were roommates, friends, and trustees to what none of us should have ever trusted again in our lives. She was not a romantic relation, but every relation she has had I have done 100% to help her succeed in, because it was not me she needed. I can never not love her. I don’t know how to let go of this closeness, but have moved out. I cannot help her in the troubles to come for her, and that hurts. How do I stop trying to help her? She is the reason I wake up, the reason I care about being alive. So many rotten things have happened to both of us, that have destroyed us, that I don’t know how to care about my own life, yet I learned to care about her life. Now I can’t be the one the helps her…she has moved on. To love her, to help her, to let go…all at the same time. I do not want my life protected, it becomes that old saying about the operation being a success, but the patient died…I want my soul to care about waking up each day. I do not care about living a long life without that soul.
For all of you who are hurting and can’t let go of your relationship, here’s something that might help. Go to my Facebook page and listen to my latest radio show on what to do when he or she is not into you.
If you listen to the whole show and do what I recommend, you will feel better. And while you are there, if you like it, click the Like button.
Love Coach Rinatta
Coach Love,
I met my friend back in October 2009 on line. He lives about 1 and 1/2 hour from me. I have a son and my free weekends and the weekends he was off from work did not click until a holiday week when my son was out of town. We had sent texts to each other for 5 months. We only spoke a few times but texted a lot. We had dinner in April 2010 and it was wonderful. After that he sent me a text asking “what can we do to work on this long distance relationship”? He said he did not like long distance relationships but I do not like smokers and he smokes. We have been seeing each other once or twice a week for a month. Last Friday he and I were thinking about this long distace relationship. I thought we were moving good he said things seem fine. A few days ago I told him that I miss him and he could not tell me that he missed me also, he took the 5th. He said that sometimes men have to make decions that women do not understand but it is best for the situation. That gave me no answer. He and I both are divorced with kids. He needs to stay near his kids and his father. He even currently lives with his sister to keep their deceased mom’s home. He helps his divorced sister with her daughter. My ex husband is not the best father for my son but he deserves the time with our son. We both have baggage. I have noticed this weekend that he is not responding to me as soon as he did last week. He only responded to me once yesterday. I see the signs coming. We have only really been on a serious level for a month but I know it is time to let it go, or should I wait for those words to come out of his mouth?
I have been best friends with my boyfriend for 10 years and in a very serious relationship for the past 6 years. We were recently discussing marriage for the past 6 months.
We have had huge issues with our families about our relationship. His family has come to terms with it, but mine has not.
He has now decided to break up with me because he cannot deal with my mom. I dont blame him, but i cannot stand to see him go.
I am so broken and i dont know what to do.
EDIT: I kno he loves and cares for me, but my mother is putting a huge strain on our relationship. He tells me that he does not want to leave the relatnoship but he has no choice and he cannot see my mother getting any better.
I have tried to get my mother to understand but nothing has worked.
In November of 2008, after 13 years of marriage my husband decided to end our marriage. Problem is we are still living together due to financial obligations. It has been 20 months since he decided he no longer wants to be married. He has asked me repeatedly to let go. Tell me how am I suppose to let go when 1) I don’t want a divorce because I believe we can work through our problems; 2) We are still in the same house; and 3) There are no immediate plans to get a divorce until debt has been paid down? Truly complicated but looking for answers.
I answer not because you need an answer. Understand, I am a guy. I do not know if you need to let go. I do understand real love, I do understand the loss of real love. I believe that the human soul is here for a reason, that life has a meaning beyond what we know. I believe we are here to shape our souls, that something in life and something beyond life remain together. What I suggest is not for a reason, it is because I think this life gives you a place in life beyond where you are now. There is a book you should read, “The Myth of Freedom”.
All of those years together may mean different things to the person you love, than to you. The more personal, the more intimate things are, the deeper the pain, the deeper the argument. Relationships with more feeling mean arguments which hurt more. If you understand me, the person writing this, you would be in extraordinary pain, but you would also understand that there is hope. Hope is what you make of it, hope is not individual. I do not believe a lot of good from what you describe, but I do believe you should not give up hope. You place your hope in one person, you should instead place your hope in many persons, one of them is yourself.
What if my ex has not asked for forgiveness? How can you let go and forgive if your ex does not even show any sign of wrongness from their side?
Jenna, it is not about what they believe is right or wrong. All I have known, all the woman I have known, are well-described as torture. Books could be written about what the woman I love and myself have been through as beyond antying the Nazis have dreamt. I know people who were kidnapped, raped, and tortured till death. I know people who jumped out of cars to run from murderers and rapists. I know murder victims who died trying to save me. Why do you need your ex to say he is wrong? It is not about him. It never was. It is about you moving on with your life. It is about you doing what is right for you. If you wait for someone to acknowledge wrong, then it is about them, not about you.
There are so many times I hate myself for the things I “let” happen to myself. I know my old friend/roomate has never forgiven herself for things I would die to stop from happening. That there are incredible pains, incredible self-destructive lives, which I would die for to stop from happening. To forgive your “ex” has nothing to do with what he wants. To forgive him is purely from who you are. To forgive him changes who your soul is. If you wish to forgive him, forgive him for who you are, not for who he is. If you have a life of anger, you will destroy yourself, you will never really love again. There is nothing else that matters.
Just so you know, I have known torture, rape, murder. I have known what it is like to love and lose everything you know. I do not say lightly what I say, but what you have to do, more than anything, is to love what is right with YOU.
I have been on and off with my boy for 4and a half yrs. We split for 11months last yr but still saw and spoke to each other before having 2months with no contact when he rang and said he was in love still and felt we could work out our problems(mostly trust and jealously) which he no longer gets and I now have major jealously issues I feel like maybe im punishing him for the hell he put my life through with his constant acusations. We have been living together for 6months we were going so well than I wanted to seperate, we sorted that out and now we have started to fight it starts so small,blows so bad out of proportion to point where it feels like my heart breaks every week He cant handle it he walks out I threaten to leave but cant bear to walk away from him and the pain, the tears, the anxiety starts its so extreme I feel like I have lived through a break up every week for the past few weeks. I dont know how to sort it out he tells me every fight is my fault blames me for everything, when I try to voice my opinion he says im sorry im so sorry so insencrerly tells me i always cry its cause im hurting. Neither is ready to end it but I feel that I spent 11months getting myself back together to have him win me over only to find myself trapped in a realtionship where we fight all the time over nothing, I know were both hurting and neither knows how to stop the pain or fix a disagreement from blowing out of control. I feel I am hurting so bad while im with him if it was to end the pain would be unbearable. Im cant suffer anymore it feels my heart is constantly ripped out. We were such a on and off couple I know that people judged us so harshly when we got back together that to end it would look like the biggest failures and I dont want it to end but I cant handle the pain anymore.
I have been in a relationship with a woman I feel is my soul mate. We were together for 2 yrs got engaged,when I made some mistakes. So we split up. Since that split we have still been in touch and have gone out on dates gone away etc etc. She in that yr has found someone and had been going back and forth with me and her. She loves me fills my needs and me hers. But something keeps drawing her back to the other woman then back to me. I know she is confused and it it hard on all 3 of us. I don’t like being the other woman especially since I was number one. The new person in her life knows about our past relationship however knows nothing about us sneaking around for the last yr. She has no clue about our going away and still sleeping together.My ex has broken up with her new love a few times and comes to me but ends up back with her. I’m the ones she calls when she needs something or if something comes up that needs to get done not the new interest. I want her back in my life as my partner because we both know we still love each other very much. She claims there is something that keeps drawing her back to the new interest and she needs to figure it out yet we still have each other in an affair kind of way. We just keeping coming back to each other. How do I get her back? How do we stop the back and forth? How does she figure out what it is with the new interest so this can stop and we can be together all the time not just part time?
The love and connection we share in our lives is incredible we connect in ways most couples never see. Our lives flow together smoothly we want each other, but this attraction of the other person keeps bringing her back to her, then back to me. Her own children and family members would love to see us back too. They don’t care for the other person and have told there mom/sister that there is something strange about her and they don’t like her. I know it needs to stop one way or the other but I so want her back. We both have tried to leave and not speak but as I said we keep coming back to each other. Something in the universe has connected us in a way I can’t explain and neither can she. Any help out there?
I’m sorry, but I disagree with the “forgiveness” angle to “move on”.
Let’s say that one does forgive the actions and inaction of an ex and does let them leave their lives. What has the person learned? Really? That relationships end and we forgive the damage done? When we carry that with us into the next relationship, if we choose, eventually to give another one a try, isn’t how the last one ended in the not so back of our minds? What about the issue of trust? Do we have a strong a belief that we can trust the new person not to cause the same damage or worse? And, yes, we can talk to the new person until we’re blue in the face about what our trust issues are, if we are the thoughtful type that has done the deep soul searching and self understanding needed before any serious relationship.
“Forgiving” does not protect one from future harm. Please don’t try the trite response that love doesn’t mean not getting hurt.
You can’t tell that to someone who has been hurt again and again by different types of people and expect them to believe it after a while. The reality of their experiences trumps that view.
Now, yes, one can look long and wide for people that, baggage or not, are willing to be honest, clear and responsible in their communication before and during a relationship, but forgiving a person does not mean that they will learn from the relationship’s end and make their next one better.
In addition, if the relationship ended because one person got cold feet, had mental issues or was influenced by jealous friends the relationship ended due to an imbalance placed upon it.
Yes, it would be nice to be able to date people that are at the same or higher level as us. But that’s not easy. And the more we “learn” after a relationship ends the more damage and baggage we accumulate. Only so much of that can be self healed by going out and “living in the moment”. The moment eventually ends and we’re left with who we are. Yes, we can improve ourselves and our situation, but we are still who we are and what we need.
The vague idea of “move on” does not deal with the baggage.
And years of therapy to improve self esteem does not change the landscape of who’s available to date. In fact, as the years wear on, the number of available partners decreases. Again, that’s reality.
Are these people wrong for hoping to resolve their past hurts and deep damages? If no, what, exactly, other than “live in the moment and improve yourself” do you really say to them?
And when they say that doesn’t work?
Then what?
People know what the root cause of many of their issues are.
There are times, especially when the person involved is alive, when they have to be resolved or the trauma will only mutate into something worse later.
Your choice.
me and my girlfriend busted up over 2 yrs ago….we both acted stupidly in the end (ego, pride etc…all the sins shared by many doing bananahead behaviours)…2 yrs later I still have no wish to get involved again…she met some guy 1 month later and he proposed 5 mo later and they were married almost 1 yr later…why should I forgive…f*ck that!..tells me in the end that she ‘never loved me’ but stayed wtih me ’cause i was a good guy, a nice guy’ oh yeah, then go f*ck yourself….she texts me after 1 yr of NC on my part saying she’s been thinking of me lately and hoping my life is ‘filled with joy and happiness’ and to drop her a line letting her know how i’m doing’…yeah, don’t hold your breath…i’ve blocked her on FB, from hotmail and from my work emails…NEVER will I contact her again…and should i run into her again i’ll just smile say ‘hello’ and keep walking….we actually did bump into one another 7 mo after we broke up and she wanted to go for a coffee…i declined (was still hurting..why give her that power?)…she looked hurt…hope the guilt rots her guts.
and to be frank, i honestly of course do NOT wish to harm my ex….but when she contacted me it brought up huge amts of sadness, pain, anger, regret, longing etc….I didn’t pursue her when we broke up (sexually in the end I wasn’t attracted to her, as I had so much unresolved anger esp towards her 18 yr old daughter’s acting out of disrespect towards her mom (my ex) and the lack of boundaries…was my 1st time dating a single mom and in hindsight I would have done many things differently: acted more assertively and yet compassionately instead of stewing and being passive agressive….but we did SO many things together and I miss alot of that..sure I overinvested in her and should have diversified myself (as i am doing now)…but it just ain’t the same…and i have no ambition or desire (2 yrs later) to even start dating…every day I still think of her…every single frustrating day…
lastly i don’t believe her last email in stating she never loved me nor was ever attracted to me nor was i the man for her (her many email of affection earlier show otherwise…i think it was retailitory to push me away go try to have me move on)
Needing forgiveness or not seldom has anything to do with the other person. The biggest mistake I see is not moving on due to waiting for the person you broke up with not being who you want, even after the breakup. Anger and no need for friendship or contact works too, as long as it doesn’t cause you to be self-destructive. Needing the other person to say sorry (genuinely) is probably a bad idea…for those who WANT forgiveness from someone, the forgiveness should only be required from yourself, otherwise it is just excess baggage. Whatever it is you do or don’t need, do what you have to to take that baggage and throw it out somewhere you’ll never see it again. The question is whether you are really moving on or not…ask yourself if your life is more limited because of true learning (wisdom), or because of baggage. There is a difference.
i’m fully aware that forgiveness and moving on (just like with happiness) is not due to ‘the other’ person…just that i have no motivation at all to date or get close again…to be frank, why bother? most–if not all–relationships do end and the vast majority don’t make it ‘forever’ …and if they do aren’t often very happy ones (ie the quantity of time together doesn’t necessarily mean quality of time together)…sure everything is great in the beginning (which is mother nature playing tricks with our hormones, psyches and such to mate), but after, 2, 5 10 or howmany years most dissolve…sure there are plenty of good times etc…but am not sure if the fallout/heartache is worth it…my heart is just displaying a ‘no vacancy’ sign right now…maybe if the right person comes along I’ll reopen for business, but a relationship right now (even dating) is as palatable as going to see the dentist for a filling….no thanks!
everyone has baggage, btw…everyone…
I have/am dealing with the same problem. It’s been almost 2 years now since my fiance left me suddenly for another woman and married her within a few months. The thoughts/feelings still come up every day many times. It’s feelings of longing, missing, “what if”, anger, etc. I now know I could not have done better than I did at the time, yet I blame myself for failing so miserably, eventhough I didn’t do anything wrong. I have come to realize the problem was not me, but he was a serial cheater. I am angry at myself most of the time for not being what exactly what he wanted, and on the other hand for ever falling in love with him. I went cold turkey over a year ago with absolutely no contact on my part. I changed my phone number, disappeared from the web, and vowed NEVER to answer if he would email. I did not believe he would ever email, but he did after 6 months, and then again after 10 months of no contact on my part. The first time it was not much, the second time he told me that he thinks of me, misses me, and wonders how I am doing. I so very much would like to answer that email, but I’m afraid for him it’s nothing more than just “checking” on me or plain curiousity and not love or any intention to be back together????? It’s paralizing, so I keep sticking to my no contact rule, eventhough I want nothing more in this world than him back. Well, he is married, so what is the point of me even thinking of him. But I do every day. I can’t listen to the radio, I can’t watch movies. It all always reminds me of him. It’s a mess. On the other hand I am making new male friends to keep myself busy and distracted. But falling in love with someone new is still not working. But the new friends make me feel better about myself and I realize I’m not a failure. There are many guys out there who would give anything to be with me. But it’s like my heart is stuck in the past. I liked Canali’s way of putting it, there is “No Vacancy” in my heart, although it’s empty. I hope it’s just under re-construction and not destroyed forever. I relate to Canali. It sounds like we are in the same boat. It’s much anger at oneself for not being who my ex wanted/needed and for wasting my time/heart on him. And when he then contacts me saying that he thinks of me and wonders how I am doing, I have not a clue what he really is saying? Should I be polite and answer it, or just ignore it as I have been doing so far? Is he sorry for leaving? Does he want to come back? It’s just confusing and hurting. But I stay with no contact because I don’t know what else to do. And I try to keep busy with work and new friends, hoping that one day this ordeal will be over.
Dear Confused, the pain will not just go away unfortunately. Either some wonderful guy will come and sweep you off your feet, or more likely, the no vacancy sign will get stuck in place. Recovery needs to be a verb. Recover by taking recovery steps. Read through this blog, I have many articles with very specific action steps to take to recover your heart.
And if you need help, I am always available to coach you. In fact did you know I am having a coaching sale right now, where you can get coaching – and relief from pain! – at half off the regular price? Take a look at http://www.lovecoachblog.com/sale
i say stick with NC…keep focusing on you…I’m not destroyed forever (and hopefully you aren’t either)….we both need to continue being proactive and know that healing and getting empowered again are ongoing processes that sometimes go forward, then backwards…I know for me (didn’t disclose this earlier) that losing both parents at a very young age (4) has left some hurtful trigger buttons around themes of ‘goodbye’ and ‘letting go’..such will be an ongoing battle sometimes…just that NEVER has any relationship triggered such staying stuck for this long…NEVER (ay vay!) .maybe then, my ultimate lesson from the universe and this gig was to be a big teacher: ie that I do have to ‘go back’and do some healing and/or some ‘reprogramming’ in cognitive/behavioural terms …easier said than done).
Last poster’s comment: ”It’s much anger at oneself for not being who my ex wanted/needed and for wasting my time/heart on him.”…i don’t think that you (nor I) really believe that either…let’s feel bad but not stay in ‘victim’ mode too long…as dumpers they also can feel guilty (both parties are healing I’m sure and hopefully going over lessons learned)….you and I just have to keep focusing on ourselves and as Rinatta suggested whenever thoughts bring us back to the ex, to redirect them to something present in our lives….the more self care we engage in consistently with new goals etc, the better we’ll steer our sails…’water seeks it’s own level’…let’s then our water levels be brighter fuller ones to attract equally good people.
I made mistakes in my gig (as i’m sure you did too)..just as THEY did too…we’re all the walking wounded in some form stumbling our ways through life to find happiness in the best way possible..but for now let’s focus on US.
confused: you can always block their emails too, you know…I’ve done it in 3 ways (fb, hotmail and from work email)…maybe in the future I will be more open to a friendship with my exgal …she is a good person (we both made mistakes)…but for now the pain is still too tender to consider such… and ’tis best to cut off all contact….just my thoughts.
Love Coach Rinatta,
Your blog made me open my mind to another way of thinking (about my situation). I was aways confused of why I kept my husband around, I could never explain why I did. You put it perfectly when you said that we (those hurt) wanted to allow them to make right their (offender) wrongs. Now I know that’s exactly what I’m doing. This is the first time I’ve been to identify with why he’s still around. I know he’s done the best he could do, even though it was not the best for me. The bad thing is that we are still married and living together in a sexless unintimate relationship. I took him back in a horrible time in my life. He had left me pregnant and after a series of unfortunate events I ended up living in a hotel with my 18mo. old son. He came back to us when both he and I were in a bad state in lives. I had never stopped loving him yet he had stopped loving me. We ended up getting married I think because he thought it was the right thing to do and me because I believed it was what I had always wanted from him. Through out our marriage (and because of a drug addiction I wasn’t aware of) he has left us several times and has cheated on me (with whom I later learned was the “love of his life” per letters I found hidden in our home). Each time he left he begged me to let him come back home, usually after 1wk-1mo. Each time I let him for the sake of our child, who had become real close to his dad. This went on for several years, until he gave up drugs (through rehab) and started going to church, which he had always been against up until 2 yrs ago. Long story short, he still does not have sex with me, we have throughout our 7 yr. marriage had sex maybe a total of 10 times. He claims to love me with all his heart. He text messages me throughout the day just to say hi and that he loves me and misses me yet we have Never made out throughout the whole marriage and we still don’t have sex. I am the bread winner in the house and he works hard but still has to pay for the wrongs he’s done in his life so only brings home at least $150 a week, when I’m paying $800-$1200 in bills every two weeks. He says if the roles were reversed he wouldn’t complain yet I do not have an intimate relationship, support nor anything else with him. I believe he’s not seeing anyone else for the past 2 yrs since he’s has spent his time on concequences of his actions and I believe he does love me in some way but I don’t think he’s in love with me. I have communicated my feelings with him and he says he resents me for saying he doesn’t love me because I’m not him and when I say I don’t feel married he says this is a marriage. I just really need intimacy in my life and I know for a fact that everything I’ve done to try and jump start our relationship he has rejected. I’ve even gone as far and lose weight, get fit (I know I’m not all the way there) but it’s all gone unnoticed. I’m so bitter and resentful that I’m making things uncomfortable for my family. I feel as if he doesn’t leave then I should but I know he does not make enough to support himself and I know my son 10yrs old now will be devistated since he does not know why I’m so angry nor would I ever tell him since it’s between my husband and I. Things are ok otherwise, he helps in the house and has always made breakfast for us but it’s not enough for me. I have been depressed all weekend and that is how I came across this article/blog. I was looking for ways in letting go. I know this is not the kind of relationship the blog is all about but it has opened my eyes to why I kept him around. I have been waiting for him to right the wrongs yet I know it will never happen so I just need to forgive all the wrongs to heal myself. This is not a relationship I wish upon anyone but I hope it helps another see that once the bad signs are around things will not get better and it’s easier to get out from the beginning then getting out later. Good Luck everyone and I pray for each and every one of you.
If you were to deal with the pain of past relationship you would find yourself yet again open to love. Perhaps love does not last, but perhaps it does if we have the skills to make it last and pick the right partner.
no thanks…it doesn’t last, bottom line…that’s reality for the vast majority of us…and alot of the anger I have (as per one other poster’s comment) is really towards myself with alot of regret…alot of this is forgiving myself, too….was my first time with a single mom and her 18 yr old daughter who was difficult and challenging at time, ie in front of me and her mom would tell her (my ex/her mom) ‘f…k you’…or ‘kiss my ass’ etc…and the mom wanted me to bond with THAT sort of behaviour? NOT!…but i stewed instead, building up resentment…upon one meditation it came to me that i was looking too much at behaviours and not deeper into her heart …should have spent more time with daughter alone engaging her trust…getting to know her fears etc…but I didn’t …i came up short (but I did send a heartfelt xmas/bd note and present to her 3 mo after our bustup)…yet still to this day I go back and forth: between anger at what I put up with and also at regret for not being more loving andassertive/ courageous too.
Thanks for sharing, but I have to wonder, if you can’t take feedback and don’t want to change, what are you doing commenting on a relationship coaching blog? Those of us who are unwilling or unable to change our mind about how we feel, think and behave do ourselves a great deal of disservice, as we cause ourselves unnecessary pain and suffering.
i’m being a putz, that’s all, as per my last comment, Rinatta…actually I wanted to ‘edit’ that last comment, but couldn’t…so just a heads up I’m not a total write off, but a m just in a sensitive mood (lately) that’s all…
, however, i’m trying to get to a place in my life wherein i give up on such ideals as ‘forever’ and ‘the one’… I really do feel most relationships dont’ make it such..and that instead there are many good matches out there and not just one person…BUT not finding a ‘forever lasting gig’ isn’t such a tragedy as long as you’re growing into a more honest, open, loving and emotionally courageous person and to get love and happiness in one’s life in other ways, ie good friends, being good to oneself (self love/esteem), giving back to the c0mmunity to those lesser etc.