Do Relationships Get Easier With Time and Age?
Does the quest for love, and the issues we bring to the table when it comes to love, change and get easier with time and age?
You would think so, and the conventional wisdom says so. The conventional wisdom says people mature and get wiser with age and over time, naturally opening up more to others and learning how to have better relationships. However, this is not what I find when I look out into the world of singles and relationships, observe the media and work with clients.
What I find is this: Those people who started out with good relationship and self-introspection skills get better at these skills with age and time. But those people who didn’t start out with a good set of relationship and self-introspection skills do not get better at relationships. They want to, desperately so, but it just doesn’t happen for them no matter how much they age or how much time passes.
I just got an email from a 60 plus year old gentleman requesting relationship help because he and a lady he was dating rushed into a romance very quickly and now the lady is pulling away. He doesn’t know what to do. I get the same kind of email from 20 year olds, 30 year olds and so on down the line.
My point here is not to deny that time, age and wisdom tend to go hand and hand. I do believe people get wiser with time and age, if they have a set of skills to build their wisdom on. But regardless of your age and the passage of time, if you want to improve your chances of attracting and keeping love, or saving a relationship you are in, the only way to do that is to learn relationship and self-introspection skills.
Creating a healthy relationship and being a healthy, functional person in a relationship are not natural, innate skills, any more than managing money or writing or being a lawyer are. These are skills that need to be learned.
Well, what are these relationship and self-introspection skills that people need to learn in order to be successful in relationships?
There are many skills and different people are deficient in different areas. However, there is a common set of skills that most people having trouble with relationships tend to lack. In fact, I was going to give you the list of skills here, but – and you are going to think I am holding out on you – no words I could come up would do justice to the skill set you need to learn.
Every time I went to write down the set of skills, I could see you, dear reader, reading this and the list that was to follow, saying, oh, yes, these would be good skills to have. Then I could see you moving on and paying no mind to what you just read.
So I will tell you what. How about you come up with a set of skills that are missing for you? I will help you by leaving you with a couple of questions:
What holes do you repeatedly find yourself in when it comes to relationships? And what skills or knowledge or ability do you keep wishing for?
If you are having trouble wrapping your head around the question of what skills you might need to learn – and many, many of you will have trouble with this – schedule a diagnostic coaching session with me and I will help you come up with a list of skills you need to learn and the steps you need to take to learn them.
From the Heart,
on March 20, 2006 @ 4:51 pm
I give too much, sometimes i need to pull back, sometimes i feel the guy is pulling back, i think its normal to take time to be introspective before rushing into a fire of hay that burns so quickly it self eztingushes, so I need to learn that, plus im a giver n need to know when im giving too much or not enough as i dont know the boundaries of giving, my current love is a giver also, but he promises to call, then doesnt, he always has a good reason, but when does it go from a good reason to an excuse???? cos im on the fence if i should break off w him for that reason alone n have to tell him that it bugs me that he says he do something like call, we long dist. and then doesnt, cos often its wekend n hes got plenty of time to call n say hi i wont be calling tonight etc, or im going out w the guys i dont care that he goes out w the guys, i do care that he doesnt keep his word, it shows not keeping his promise n makes me wonder if hes Unreliable>?? hes very focused on his work n often brings work home w him on weekends, help! I just want to be advised, gosh,,,,,plus what happened we didnt hear your newsletter in over a month now! gosh
on March 21, 2006 @ 9:48 am
Marylin,
On your guy, read the book called “He’s Just Not That Into You.” If he fits that description, you may want to get some space from him until he becomes more into you.
On my newsletter and its frequency – I am going to send the newsletter out more frequently shortly. MY goal is to go back to every other week, and occasionally even once a week. I have been busy updating my websites and eCourses, and that is what has kept me from sending the newsletter more frequently.
on March 21, 2006 @ 12:41 pm
I have read that book, but I think I need to read it again! So, do you think that a guy who doesn’t appear to be that “in to you” can change his tune? Is there a way to help that process? I went out with this man twice who is out of town working 3-4 days a week. We had a great time together and the dates were long because we were having a good time, though we didn’t have sex. Now he will only email on occasion and call on occasion. I know he’s got tons going on, but I’m not sure how to respond to him, as he is sort of maintaining contact but not trying to date me right now. I feel like he’s trying to keep me around in a friendly way until he’s in a place where he feels more like dating or is more free to. I do know he likes me and I do know he’s very busy, but still I have read that book and it makes me think he’s not that in to me. I’d like to change it though! There was definitely a physical attraction between us and more.
Liz
on March 21, 2006 @ 2:20 pm
Time does interesting things to romance, for sure! When I first moved in with my husband [to be at the time], we enjoyed sex every day, sat and talked for hours, played backgammon, drank tea together. Of course, I wasn’t working at the time and when I did find employment it was only part-time; he got laid-off from his job for 13 months, so we really got to know each other. Now we have settled, both working full-time and things just aren’t the same, but in some ways they are better because we know when to leave the other alone and know when to come to the other to help sort out a problem. Life changes, thus love changes. I realize I am probably better off than some people in relationships in the fact that my spouse and I have grown together and not apart. As long as both partners are working on the relationship in a sincere and open manner, I feel that we don’t have to lose the love, caring and affection.
on March 22, 2006 @ 6:39 am
One thing I constantly struggle with is accepting people for who they are. I have a tendancy to want to change people. The irony of it is; I don’t want anyone trying to change me.
on June 16, 2006 @ 5:21 pm
No, relationships do not easier with time nor with age. period.
on June 18, 2006 @ 10:38 am
Jane is right.
Time does not improve a bad relationship.
It takes more than love and care.
I’m learning that you probaby should not expect improvement without MAJOR effort. Weigh the benefits, risks and costs. Don’t feel bad about making changes to feel good.
on October 18, 2006 @ 11:54 am
I need advise? I have been out of a relationship with this guy we will call Joe,for 2 years we were together for 7 years. I moved shortly after we broke up and got into a new relationship we will call him Tom, and got married after only knowing Tom for 4 months.
My new husband and I just moved back to the town that Joe lives in and I find myself wanting to call Joe’s family we were all very close and I miss them so so much. Joe and I have a few common friends that I have avoided entirely since I have been back I miss them as well. I dont want to make anyone uncomfortable am I being selfish if I call them or do I just forget about all of them and start new.
on December 4, 2006 @ 6:54 am
Dearest Rinatta
I seem to be in a hopeless situation, my boyfriend and i, have been going out for 3 years now. Early last year he spoke about marriage, and i was a very mutual conversation / decision about marriage….
the first step was for our parent to get together…my family invited his,,,,BUT up to this day…they havent called my folks over…..
He insists that he wants to be with me…and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me..yet i get no serious committment…
PLEASE HELP