Comments on: Divorce and Breakup Recovery

By: angelina jolie

angelina jolie — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 16:15:34 +0000

I love your site. Love design!!! I just came across your blog and wanted to say that I

By: sandrar

sandrar — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 13:17:43 +0000

Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. Cheers! Sandra. R.

By: Chuck

Chuck — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 16:02:49 +0000

The thing that seems to be missing with so many of these views is that it does not take into account the past experiences of the person that is frustrated and angry over the breakup or divorce. It does not take into account that their childhood may have been full of events that show and prove reality to be a certain way. That is both inside the family _and_ outside of it. Infact, all of their life may have been built around this, for them, proven world view. They may have grown up and been around people most of their lives that held to “doing what you say you’ll do”, “taking responsibility for your actions”, “speaking up for your needs”, “thinking ahead” and “taking other people’s needs into consideration with your own to come to a compromise where all get something this time or the next time”.
Taking all of that into account, to expect someone to “forgive” without a step by step explanation of how that’s to occur without someone taking real, active and verbal responsibility for their hurtful actions towards them is ridiculous.
You’re asking the hurt party to forgive when they know they can be hurt again, in the same way, or slightly differently, becasue the other party does not take responsibility, grow or change to become aware of the downsides to their original actions.
How can you propose such a thing?
No.
Please do not mention God.
Do not mention Codependency.
Do not mention any of those bs fall backs.
Deal with the reality of the hurts for they are real.
Deal with the reality of people actually dying of a broken heart (do a search on the life expectancy studies of those that were never married, married til death, divorced and never married again and those that divorced and married again before you discount that statement).
Asking someone to “move on”, expecting them to, treating that as the only “real” answer is short changing a lot of people.
People that _are not you_.
People that do not have the options that you take for granted as ubiquitous.
If the people that caused the harm are not brought to task for it why do you _really_ expect them to learn and _not_ do the same or similar things again to others, again and again and again?
A get out of jail free card is not what makes the society better without some work being done to benefit the victim and the victimizers. This goes for males and females.

By: Love Coach Rinatta

Love Coach Rinatta — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 16:14:13 +0000

Lucy, I am not certain forgiveness is essential yet in your situation. It will become essential down the line, but perhaps not now. I would concentrate on setting your life straight, taking extremely good care of yourself and your daughter and when you finally feel on solid ground, I would work on forgiveness.

However, if the feelings over what your ex did to you are too intense, you may want to consider EFT to give you relief. EFT stands for emotional freedom technique and it’s amazing and always works in reducing intense feelings permanently. You could contact me for a custom tailored EFT session. But if money is an issue, look on youtube for EFT self-help videos. It won’t be perfectly fit for your situation, but it will help.

By: Lucy

Lucy — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 13:59:27 +0000

My husband decided he didn’t love me anymore 4 months ago after 12 years together, 5 married with a 10 year old daughter. He’s walked away and left a massive mess for me, and we have lost our home because of debts.

I didn’t see this coming at all. I didn’t see any warning signs. I can’t imagine life ever being normal again. I am trying the no contact rule (well very minimal because of our daughter) but this is killing me.

How do you forgive someone who has destroyed your life and walked away without a second thought? I’m struggling with forgiveness. Any advice out there?

By: Amy Beck

Amy Beck — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 03:05:44 +0000

I have been seperated from my husband on and off for 2 yrs now. We were having issues before. I’ve been in the army and spent quite a bit of time away. We see each other almost everyday because I recently relocated back so we could share our children more easily. He swears one day he misses me then flaunts his super young girlfriends the next. He shows up unannounced and when I call him on it, he makes it sound like I am being a bitch. We share children jointly, but when I’m not putting up with his shit he makes excuses not to bring the kids by. There is an attachment there that he is taking advantage of all the time. He pops by always to ask me to make him something to eat. he shows up drunk and swears he loves me, but when he’s sober, he is back with his flavor of the week girl. It is a struggle trying to share our children. He violates our custody agreement constantly, yet when i say I’m going back to court he freaks out. He manipulates my feelings, disrespects me constantly, yet I tolerate it so i can be with my children more. I am going crazy and don’t know what to do. Your article did shed some light on things, but even though I am a tough woman, I am falling apart inside. I have anger aggression issues that have developed pretty badly. What to do?

By: beth

beth — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 17:48:57 +0000

I too have been trying to follow this along. My breakup has been 8 days ago. Somehow I got thru the weekend.

We dated for 8 years and recently i grew up and wanted more of a committment and I guess he could not handle that. He felt that part of him wanted to be with me and the other part he was not sure about so he ended up cheating on me. The weird part is that i am not mad at him I hate what he did to me.

I can understand what he felt in a way cause our coummincation was gone and we were distant for awhile.

but this is pretty hard to go through. I love and miss him but just want him to be happy.

i am trying to be strong by not having any contact with him because he called me twice yesterday but what gets me thru this are:
He needs to feel the pain of not having me around him and if I talk to him he will not get this part.
i also do not need a reminder that we are not together I know this and do not need to hear it again.

By: Jacky

Jacky — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 23:44:22 +0000

I have just read your article and it is really helpful.
I’ve just separated from my partner of 6 years. He decided that we couldn’t be together any more last week. I don’t really understand why this has happened. He called it quits just out of the blue. Maybe it’s because we are young. We got engaged at the end of last year and I was looking forward to our next step. We lived together for a long time and in december of last year his job required him to move to another state. I couldn’t follow him straight away but I was going to join up with him this august. We had made plans for our future together but now they won’t happen. I don’t hate him but I want to understand the reason for it ending. I have called him and asked him to come and talk to me and give me a reason for him leaving. I won’t ask him to come back but I needed closure from him to move forwards. He agreed to the talk and is coming down to see me. Is this a good thing to do? Having a talk to understand the situation? This is my first long-term relationship. It’s been a very dark week for me but I have amazing friends around me and my family has been very supportive. I’m trying to move forward. I’ve stumbled and fell but I’m trying.

By: R. Ambrose

R. Ambrose — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 18:06:25 +0000

I have been married to my husband for seven months (but we’d been dating about two years before) and recently I found out he started talking to an ex, his “first love” to be exact. They are currently living together and have plans to be married some time next year. This article is real great advice, but the part about no communication is the hardest since we have a one-year-old daughter. I also don’t know if I’ll be able to forgive him any time soon. I just sit and wonder where I went wrong and why I just can’t get over it. Is it wrong, though, that I sit here and pray they won’t work out? Is it wrong that I want to be happy too? That I hope their marriage isn’t nearly as successful as ours is (because we are separated and not divorced)? I just need some answers.

By: R. Ambrose

R. Ambrose — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 18:03:30 +0000

I have been married to my husband for seven months (but we’d been dating about two years before) and recently I found out he started talking to an ex, his “first love” to be exact. This article is real great advice, but the part about no communication is the hardest since we have a one-year-old daughter. I also don’t know if I’ll be able to forgive him any time soon. I just sit and wonder where I went wrong and why I just can’t get over it.