We experience emotional pain as physical pain, as has been discovered by recent research. This means that when you are experiencing heartache, your heart actually does hurt – well, perhaps not your heart, but something in your body does hurt and badly. You knew this already, because when you feel heartache or anxiety or frustration, it hurts.
In my practice I have noticed people often have a very low tolerance for this pain of heartache – they want to make it go away as fast as possible. And I can understand this. When you have a headache, you want to take an aspirin and if you body hurts, you want to rest, sleep or go to the doctor to find out what’s wrong.
It’s true – physical pain often does indicate something is wrong with out bodies. Emotional pain is different however, even if we experience it physically. The best way to deal with emotional pain is to feel it, without making it better, because on the other side of feeling that pain are great gifts.
In order to understand exactly what I mean, let’s first look at how we behave when we are in pain.
Since physical pain is indication of something gone wrong in the body, you might feel some anxiety or worry about having the pain. You may wonder if you are ok. You want the pain to stop and wonder if and when it will stop, and try to make a plan for how to end it.
Same thing happens with emotional pain. You may feel heartbreak or loneliness or even frustration and wonder if you are going to be ok. You feel anxiety about the pain and wonder if the pain will ever stop and if you are going to survive it.
The interesting thing is that you do survive it, every time.
Think about the last time you felt emotional pain. Perhaps the last time was about a second ago, or perhaps a fairly long time, regardless, put yourself back there for a moment. Now let me ask you a question. Was your body ok while you were feeling that pain? Were any parts of you bleeding or falling off? Were you able to feel emotional pain, but still go to the bathroom, walk and talk?
Emotional pain is not like physical pain. It can be debilitating in that it can take away your desire to do things such as eat, walk, talk, function, but it does not prevent you from actually doing those things. While physical pain is sometimes a signal that something is very wrong, this is not exactly the case with emotional pain. That is why you do not need to be afraid of emotional pain. It is not going to kill you. It is not going to cripple you. It is not going to blind you. It does hurt, but with no real harm to your body.
Emotional pain is different from physical pain in another way. Physical pain often needs outside intervention to make it go away. You may need to take pain reliever, change your diet, go see a doctor, have an operation, bandage the hurt part, etc. Emotional pin will go away if you feel it. Often you have to do nothing else. But if you do not feel, it can linger for a lifetime while you take many actions to avoid feeling it.
This means that when you feel anxiety about feeling heartache and worry about how you are going to make it go away and try to make plans about how you are going to alter circumstance and situations and people so that you stop feeling pain, stop. Remind yourself that nothing bad will happen if you feel pain and it will subside after you allow yourself to feel it. You don’t need to do anything to deal with emotional pain. Instead, you need to be with it.
Deal with emotional pain by delving into it, making friends with it, feeling it until it stops and you are on the other end of it. If you able to do this, there will be gold on the other end.
Here is the gold at the end of emotional pain. Imagine the freedom you would have if you were no longer afraid of feeling emotional pain. If you are single you might be willing to get out there and date more, because you would know you can tolerate the pain of rejection and the pain of not meeting the right person. Or perhaps you would get single and happy, knowing that you could tolerate the pain of loneliness.
If you were in a relationship that wasn’t going fast enough you would either be more patient because you know you could tolerate the pain of waiting, or you would get out because you know that you could tolerate the pain of letting go and being alone.
If you are married or in a long term relationship, you would perhaps speak up for yourself more because you knew that you could tolerate the pain of your partner’s rejection or his or her displeasure with you. Or perhaps you would get closer to your partner because you knew that you can tolerate the anxiety you feel at allowing someone close to you.
If you were going through a breakup or a divorce you could allow the relationship to end because you would know you can tolerate the grief and sorrow of letting go and the temporary loneliness.
Do you see the power you could have over your emotional life if you were able to tolerate emotional pain rather than being afraid of it? It can be truly astounding how much easier and more peaceful life becomes when you are no longer afraid of feeling pain.
It’s true that no one wants to feel emotional pain, but as it is a part of life and unavoidable, better to know that you can tolerate it and get through it then to be afraid of it.
Now for the specifics of how to tolerate emotional pain. Try the mediation below the next time you are suffering from heartache. You can use the meditation once a day, many times a day, or pick a favorite line and use it as constant mantra to help you cope with pain. Or perhaps use this mediation as a template and create a few lines that fit your circumstances best. Feel free to leave your version below in comments.
(I have loosely based this mediation on meditations from the Blooming of a Lotus by Thich Nhat Hanh)
Instructions: simply read this to yourself slowly and breathe.
Feeling pain in my heart, I breath in.
Suffering from the pain in my heart, I breath out.
Feeling my heart breaking, I breathe in.
Feeling as if my heart will break in two, I breathe out.
Feeling the pain is too great to live with, I breathe in.
Feeling as if the pain is going to swallow me up, I breathe out.
Feeling hurt, I breathe in.
Finding hurt where I want love, I breathe out.
Feeling frustration and anger, I breathe in.
Feeling frustration and anger boiling inside, I breathe out.
Wanting things to be different, I breathe in.
Wanting to change him/her, I breathe out.
Wanting attention, I breathe in.
Craving attention, I breathe out.
Wanting gentle touch, I breathe in.
Wanting loving touch, I breathe out.
Feeling I am not good enough, I breathe in.
Seeing nothing good about me, I breath out.
Feeling shame about my body, I breathe in.
Feeling that I am unlovable, I breathe out.
Feeling that no one loves me, I breathe in.
Suffering from not feeling loved, I breathe out.
Feeling frustration, I breathe in.
Feeling fear, I breathe out.
Being afraid that nothing will ever change, I breather in.
Wanting love in my life, I breathe out.
Feeling fear that I will not have what I want, I breathe in.
Feeling fear and anxiety, I breathe out.
Noticing that I am ok, I breathe in.
Noticing that I am ok, I breathe out.
Do you want help dealing with your heartache? I am here to support, comfort and guide you in both learning how to master and tolerate your pain and in actively re-arranging your love life so that it has as little pain as possible and is mostly full of happiness and love. Contact me for a coaching session now.
From the Heart,
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i think i miss her. it’s been 5 days since i last saw her and 6, since she rejected my feelings for her. there’s something terribly wrong with me, i just keep on thinking and thinking about her and it’s been killing me. i wish i could disappear for a moment, just so as for me to be able to heal and move on. however, school’s just around the corner. and i’ll be seeing her soon, i know i just said that i miss her, but i am so afraid that seeing her might amplify the hurt that i feel right now. what the heck am i supposed to do? can you help me?
this really helped. thankyou.
the meditation is perfect.
What a wonderful advice, I never thought like this before
That meditation was something I desperately needed. Thank you. I’ve been heartbroken for months and was stuffing it down and occupying my head with other things. I will do this every day until I’m free and whole again.
After sifting through so much rubbish on the internet about how to handle rejection, I am so glad I found this because it might give me something. My life is a misery following a relationship breakup 6 weeks ago that has also left me homeless for the first time in my life. It is so difficult for a middle-aged man who has lost everything he cherished and now sees no future, no hope – just endless sadness and loneliness. It seems impossible to start all over again. I still feel worthless and have constant thoughts of suicide, but I will try (an adaption of) this mediation because I really don’t want to give up just yet.
Jonathan Dowling,
Melbourne Australia
I am hurting a lot. i was broken up with 2 days ago, the love of my life. doesnt seem as though anyone feels the same , no one can help me, i am desperate, hurting so much id rather not live, my emotional pain is physical. i cant talk , lift things. typing is very hard. i dont have many friends and i feel utterly lonely and shattered and beside myself. this meditation took the edge off for a couple mins. thanks
well, its been almost 2 months since our breakup and sadly, i’ve still not fully come to terms with things. I still feel, that in my heart she is the one for me but clearly this can’t be the case if she isn’t returning those feelings. Depression, suicide and all sorts of other things weigh heavy on my mind but if i’m totally honest, your article is the first thing i’ve read that actually makes sense. I shall certainly give the meditation a go, what harm can it do. I know i deserve to stop feeling this way and be happy, i just hope some day soon i can be.
it has been over 2 years since I lost the love of my life, it took the better part of a year before I could even think about seeing anyone else, I couldnt bare the pain of her loss. I have dated, been in long relationships however have not felt anything close to how she made me feel. I can say that i have learned to live with the pain that never yealds, most people think im fine that im over it but the reality of it is i have become empty and hollow, waiting for the time i will be finaly free from this torment
Its been over three months since she left. Two months since I became homeless in middle age. And one week since the divorce was final. I have been “doing” well, but the last couple of days…. I’m embarrassed. She running around drinking and showing off her ability to do what she wants in a small town. This meditation opened up a lot. Hoping to continue to heal. We have two small children, so we have to communicate daily. This doesn’t allow for much separation.
We were together for 5 years and it’s been 2 months since the break up. We only lived together the last 3 months of the relationship and everything fell apart quickly. I gave up most of my belongs to move in with him. So the pain of heartache is also anger. I made a big mistake by moving in, by doing that he had all the power. Instead of working on the problem he choose to ask me to leave. The past 5 years was just a lie. I doubt I will ever trust again.
same here 5 wasted years of my life to end up with nothing then anger and revange feellings, working on a big promotion and now this bad timing!!, my energy seems to have faded, my willingness to go on is just not there, i konw i sound like a victim oh well shame on me for been so vulnarable, i’m so angry i’m just thinking on getting back at her make her feel my pain. It’s been 2 days and counting….
Hang in there Fredo…you have to feel the pain and anger to get through it. All part of the process, I started dating again quickly and it really helped in many different ways.
Good luck!
This is a helpful message to a certain point but it’s not true that heartache and emotional pain cannot damage the body physically. Anxiety, high blood pressure, and related symptoms can weaken the arteries and blood vessels over time. We have all heard of stories where partners of many years die soon after their loved ones, of a “broken heart.” The mind can be a very powerful force and the pain is very real. I think meditation can be a good way to teach us to soothe ourselves and relieve some of that.
Faye Thanks for the support; we all seemed to have very similar situations, in my case I’m having trouble accepting the loss I’m angry that I finally opened up and all went to waste that I gave myself and lost , I know in order to be a champion one have to learned from the losses but my life is not a sports team, seems that my brain has gone on cruise control and in close doors and all It’s thinking is her and the things she could be doing with some one else….i know it will get better is just too freaking hard right at this moment as I write this.
Fredo believe me I know how you feel. This first 2 months I felt like I was in a shell. All I could think about were the memories and so many things would trigger those thoughts. I couldn’t understand how someone could spend so many years sharing their life with you, telling you over and over how much they cared to giving up on the relationship so quickly. I felt violated and used and really stupid for believing that this person was real and sincere. I’ve learned to keep my feelings protected and my anger is due to the fact that I will never truly trust anyone with my feelings again (he did that to me). I used to be very open and caring but that is gone (I’ve changed) I will never allow anyone to hurt me in that way again. I’m also angry at myself, if I would of left a year ago I’d be much better off emotionally, physically (I lost ten pounds) and financially. I believe in Karma – what goes around comes around – someday he will feel the pain that he inflicts on others.
faye, i feel you believe me, every time my brain revisited the last melo-dramatic moments is like a current of electricity that runs thru my body, i have became for now an angry and very very cold person like i don’t owe anything to the world and viceversa, funny thing i function well when i’m like that, sad i go down into the depressive mood, angry is like a shot of adrenaline that boost my body, just the other day i usually run for 20 min before workout but that specific monday my body and mine kept asking me not to stop i ran for a full hour,never for one moment stop thinking the same crap however didn’t hurt as much, is funny how our amazing human body works, i saw a tiny bity thing of light at the end., just thought i share that with you
Why do I feel like this? All of my physical needs are taken care of. On the other hand, my sexual and spiritual needs are depleted. I’ve been living in celibacy for three plus years. I wonder, is this why I can’t concentrate. I work a physically brutal job. I’m only halfway finish with earning a bachelor degree to change my situation, I take one class per quarter. I’m pass fifty and need a life change. The decision of my pass has really hurt me and I and I really feel them.
I love him more than anything, anything but my family. My father said to run from a man who doesn’t get along with his family, and run even farther from the man who doesn’t get along with mine. Its been two years together, and finally, two days before Christmas my dad tells me this. I love him so much, my daughter calls him daddy. I can hardly eat, my work is preoccupied, my friends and family dismiss it as if my heart isn’t breaking at all. I just want him back, but I need my family. My head and my heart are fighting and it makes me want to do nothing but sleep.
I have been suffering from heartache for almost 4 years because of a man I can’t stop loving. I feel that this unrequited love can be so emotionally damaging that, I totally agree it hurts more than physical pain sometimes. I am so glad that I found you article, wish I had read it earlier. It did help .What I had been doing was to try so hard to get rid of the pain ,only to find that it was becoming even stronger. Yes, maybe i should allow myself to feel it , to be with it . I will keep in mind that i will survive it.
well, i came out of my relationship 5 days ago. We were together over 3 years. From day 1 i managed to eventually sacrifice all the things i cared about because i cared about her more, and all that mattered was her happiness, she had a lot of issues and i managed to bandage a lot of the hurt that had come upon her, i was her rock and she was mine. outsiders viewed us as the happiest couple… and i was, i was the happiest man alive, she made me feel so loved and so special, and in return i gave her my entire heart, and she was the first to recieve the 200% of love i am capable of. after 2 and a half years i started to notice her shifting, changing, but she assured me she was the same, but she wasnt, starting to drift back, wanting other guys attention, when literally i gave her all the attention she required without being over powering or over protective, cos i just wanted to make her happy. i put so much focus and effort in the last couple of month and after a couple of breaks where i tried my hardest and fought my hardest i found out she had been going behind my back with another guy. at which point i ended it and the lies and deceit ripped my heart in two. i told her that it was her turn to fight the way i had been, and if she was really as upset as she said, now was her chance. she didnt take it. she was done. instant heart brake for me after trying so hard. what a sucker i was. women rip our hearts in two, i wont stand for this anymore. i feel sorry for the next girl, noone will ever recieve the love i gave her. i feel torn apart from the inside out. but know i must move on.
but in my case i feel no physical pain, just vengence. I have been trodden on by so many people, and the person that stood by me and had my heart did the same. when that person that you care about most in the world does it, it makes you feel like you can trust no one. let no one in. i fear she has ruined me for the rest of my days. no more mr nice guy.
I just moved out and the heartache of missing my family and especially my animals is getting harder each day I just want someone to hold me and tell me that I can make it.
I had a two year relationship with a man I believed I could spend the rest of my life with, however the relationship ended for me unexpectedly which has led to 2 more years of unresolved grief and emotional hurt. We briefly reconciled the relationship which I was both ecstatic and fearful about, eventually he ended the relationship again. He left me for another woman who was married at the time, had four children, and worked with him. After he ended the relationship again, he returned to that relationship and is now pregnant with her. She is getting a divorce from her husband now. I believed I was at a point where I had emotionally dealt with the hurt, but hearing the news he was marrying and having a child with this woman open what I thought were old, healed wounds. In particular the deep wound I have which was caused by his statement he could not offer me a life of matrimony and children, which I find he can now do with this woman that is not me. I read this entry and felt better about the situation, however it is difficult when everything seems so bleak. I just pray that I will get to a point when I can finally let go of the emotional inprint that has been created due to the hurt associated with this man I will always love.
I’ve been married and divorced and had a love affair end and was devastated, but NOTHING compares to your son or daughter hating you. I have a teenage daughter who is depressed and so hateful and angry. I know most teenagers feel angst and frustration but, when my daughter tells me she despises me…..I believe her. I have her in therapy and I’m sure it will help someday but in the mean time it is so hard to hear her tell me daily how much she hates me. I will never love anyone else the way I love her, and my heart literally hurts. For me personally this is much harder than getting over a man.
i lost my love a week before. really hurt me a lot. am a gal wid lot of enjoyment. i believed him fully. but he told that there is no chance to come. he only proposed to me. i cant tolerate my pain.i cant sleep also.