I am sorry, but I have to rant.
I was watching TV the other day while working out on my glider and a commercial by a popular online dating service came on. The owner claimed that true love can finally be found at blah, blah dating service because they match people on their compatibility criteria. Couples of all shapes and sizes happily waltzed through the commercial, in love, in bliss.
I was thinking to myself if love was so simple, all about taking the right compatibility test, or if this dating service, one of the two big players in online dating, finally found the key to successfully matching people up, why aren’t there a million happy marriages all at once!
Well, millions of singles will not all of the sudden stop being lonely, stop struggling to find the one through this or any other dating service. No matter how much money the dating service pours into their advertising budget.
Why? Because compatibility is only a part of the story. In order to be compatible, you have to be compatible to something. So, when you find a compatible partner, what is he or she compatible to?
Is he or she compatible to the very dysfunctions that made your past relationships not work out? Is he or she compatible to the unrealistic expectations that leave you lonely and not in a relationship? Is he or she compatible to the kind of person you would thrive in a relationship with? Well, do you know?
If someone is compatible on personality or sense of humor or values, it still does not tell you whether that someone is compatible to your dysfunctional or your functional self.
If you have done no work on your dating and relationship skills, on yourself, I mean personal growth work, then no matter how many compatibility test you take, no matter how compatible the persons you find, your relationships will still not work. You will still, unfortunately, not find the happily ever after. This is because you will be finding people compatible with your dysfunction – the thing inside you that creates relationships that don’t work in the first place.
On the other hand, if you have done personal work, compatibility alone will still not be enough, because you could find a perfectly compatible person who has not done any personal work. Then you could laugh together, have similar interests, but eventually you will not be able to stand being together because you won’t be able to have a decent conversation about what’s going on in your relationship.
Compatibility tests are good. It’s good to be able to laugh with someone, or do fun things together. But that won’t make for a good relationship.
There are no shortcuts to true, everlasting love – it’s all about what’s inside of you, baby. Work on your insides, and your true love will come, dating service or not, compatibility tests or not. Refuse to work on yourself and a million “compatible” matches will still not give you happiness. No matter how much that one dating service tells you so.
Want to know who is truly compatible with you and how to tell that person apart from those who are not compatible with you? Take my Whom Are You Dating eCourse. You will learn to become brilliant at knowing whom you need to be in a relationship with and at reading people, distinguishing between those who are not a good match for you and those who are.
Be well and happy.
Your Love Coach
Rinatta Paries
From the Heart,
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
I totally agree with your comments regarding compatability. I’ve taken the online quiz you are referring to……and felt it was rather a joke when it came to making matches. And the information they provide potential matches is not enough to really assess whether it is somebody you want to “check out” or not. Personally, I know I have not done enough work on myself to be honest about what or whom I should be looking for. Maybe that means I”m not ready to be in a relationship yet…who knows.
wow … compatible with each others’ dysfunction. I’ve never thought of it that way but it is SO true! Thanks for this insight.
I agree with you! I did suscribe to the site you are referring to and had a relationship with a guy who seemed to be so much like me.. it was like a mirror..
it wasnt until the relationship ended that I realized that the mirror was to see myself and work out my dysfunctional areas! thanks God that when I found also so many similarities in this “perfect” relationship with the other bad ones I have had, I went out to seek help to stop this..
now Im alone, but commited to my personal growth work , so in a near future I will be able to engage in healthy relationships..
Compatibility is important in a relationship. But I must agree with you that it is not the only thing to be considered. There are other elements too like trust and commitment for your partner.
This article was sent to me by a friend. It really opened my eyes. I dated a woman for a year who had two very young children.(2 1/2 and 4)I have no children. She is 30. I am 35 It was a big transition for me, but I did feel positive about it. Four months in she told me the relationship was not getting to the next level. We picked it back up. Same thing happened in five more months. She went to the dating website as described one month later and in three weeks met a divorced 41 year old and accepted a marriage proposal. She told me that she had been in three relationships that had failed and she had nothing to lose by moving so quickly. It made me think there was some magic formula on the website, but I realize there is not and it may just be two people with mutual needs or dysfunctions.
I am really into this view with regards to compatibility. I feel that something more than agreement constitute love. In reality, compability has become a greater issue than the most pressing concerns. True does not necessarily mean that couples have so much in common.
I agree that compatibility tests do not really show if two people are compatible together. I think I’ll stick more to the traditional dating (even online dating would be good) than just taking compatibility tests to see if your love match is really your true love. The chemistry, friendship and love that they share between them will tell if they are each other’s perfect match, if they will experience the great love affair they’ve always dreamed of with each other.
Rinatta,
I used the dating site you refer to. Initially I began to wonder if I was on the wrong planet since they couldn’t find ANY matches for me. Then they found one - 150 miles away - and I have no idea what they thought we had in common, even based solely on a couple of emails ( I saw no compatibility there whatsoever). Next they found me a match locally, I met him and we went out a couple of times, and I did not understand why they thought we would be compatible. I have been happily dating someone I met by a bit of a fluke from a free dating site. I have no idea whether our compatibility ratings would match or not based on the EXPENSIVE site’s criteria, but we are very happy, best friends, and doing quite well.
Thanks for your newlsetters, and for debunking this site. One thing I did get out of it, was the founder’s book, and determining my top ten must have and can’t stand list. This has been valuable to me, but only after years of self work, as you have been advocating, and I have been reading, for years!
did someone say dmarmony? ‘that’ site
well, I’m a sucker too cause I went on took a VERY long quizy thingy like .. and then after like a month, ‘the one’ for me came up and looking at his profile I was thinking where did my trial period $7.95 go to because not only did he have kids and lived in BoraBora he didn’t even have a membership to communicate with me! clearly it’s wrong for the man of my dreams can actually afford to mail me not just smile or wink 