Love Coach Blog

Coaching Session #7 of Love Coaching Social Experiment: watch me coach Jodi, a single, bright, beautiful, late-thirty-something lady, to help her attract the man of her dreams – reality-TV style, right in front of your eyes and ears.

Read the full introduction to this social experiment, follow the links from there to previous coaching sessions and then back to this post.

Jodi finally came out this week with all of her dirty laundry. She shared about her two infidelities, her live-in lover peeping on her teenaged daughter, and then her continuing to see him after the fact. You can read Jodi’s series of disclosure posts starting here, and then come back here to read my coaching to her.

I have to admit none of this story is a surprise to me, as Jodi revealed this information to me weeks ago. I didn’t push her into full public disclosure, but she and I talked about it and she decided to go forward with it, mostly to keep the integrity of the conversation between us intact. She and I also agreed that somehow her doing this work in the public eye is making her work harder, deeper, than she would in the privacy of a one on one coaching relationship. So she went ahead and disclosed the whole load of her baggage.

After reading her posts you may sit back and wonder why a woman would date a guy after he peeped at her daughter. And you would be right to wonder. I wonder the same thing. Jodi doesn’t really know—she can’t believe she did it and can’t trust herself after doing it.

My answer is that I think Jodi needed love so much at the time that, no matter what the cost was, she was going to be willing to pay it. If the cost was continuing to see a guy who peeped at her daughter, than so be it.

Is Jodi so different from other people? You may think so, but I have seen perfectly rational, professional, responsible people do unbelievable, humiliating things to get that feeling of being loved. I have seen people put up with deviant sexual behavior from their partner, cheating, rejection, emotional abuse, etc, etc, just to keep from feelings unlovable.

Does that make Jodi, and everyone else who does “bad” things to keep from feeling unlovable, co-dependant or sick or screwed up?

I don’t think so. The definition of co-dependent is doing things for others so that they would do for you, so in that way it fits. But at the heart of being co-dependant is a person who is deeply dependant on approval from others, one who can’t move forward without that approval.

The hunger for love is something else. It is a hunger, a deep and prevalent one in our culture. And it is a hunger that must be satisfied, because without it a human being simply cannot survive, much less thrive.

I think that is the explanation that adequately explains people like Jodi being willing to take love from a person who really should not be in her life. Not believing the supply of love is abundant and needing love to survive, she was willing to take it from a polluted source rather than wilting from hunger.

Does that make what she did, her decision to continue to date a guy who peeped on her daughter, wrong or right? I don’t know. I can’t judge her, as I care about her and know her as an amazing lady, and this one piece of information about her does not change my love for her.

I do however know that her behavior left scars on her and on her children. Jodi is now trying to help her children deal with that part of their lives, and for that I am very proud of her.

As for dealing with her own after-effects of the experiences with Ron, here is what she wrote to me in an email:

“Every time I date someone more than a few times, I relive and analyze that event trying to gauge if they are capable of this type of behavior (peeping on a child).”

And that is what I will coach Jodi on today.

Love Coach Rinatta says:

Jodi, you have said Ron was immature, but that doesn’t conjure up a useful picture of him. What I want you to do is describe him and his behavior in a way that allows me to see him through your eyes, to see his personality as you knew it before the peeping incident.

Why? My theory is that there were clues that something was wrong with him all along and that you missed them for some reason. And now you are so very cautious in your dating, trying to avoid people who are capable of what Ron did. You feel no power to see these types of men right away, so you are left to guessing. This is another thing that is keeping you unavailable.

Once we can see how you saw Ron when you first started dating him, you will learn to see the same types of people and avoid them, so that you no longer have to be so cautious. If we need to, we will do some research into child molester/peeper profiles to look at personality traits, so that you can learn to avoid them.

So, what did you see when you first got to know and then started dating Ron? What is it that made you feel he was immature?

Secondly, now that you have put all your dirty dishes into the dishwasher, I want you to consider that there is still something you are hiding and have been hiding all along. No, it’s not another dirty secret – at least not one that I know of.

It is something you believe about yourself, have believed about yourself for a very long time, possibly since your parents split up or before. And it is also something you really, really hope is not true about you. It is the thing that makes you choose men who are not good enough for you, as they can’t love you the way you want to be loved.

So what is it? What is it that you believe about yourself that you have been hiding away and hiding from?

Do you want the same help and coaching Jodi is receiving, so that you can find your way out of being single and into a healthy relationship? You can get help from me, privately by hiring me as your love coach. Tell me about your situation, and we will go from there. Or go directly to the coaching signup page to set up your own, private advice & coaching session.

Update: Jodi is vacation for a week, but she left some parting words and promises of more to come.

From the Heart,