Coaching Session #6 of Love Coaching Social Experiment: watch me coach Jodi, a single, bright, beautiful, late-thirty-something lady, to help her attract the man of her dreams – reality-TV style, right in front of your eyes and ears.
Read the full introduction to this social experiment , follow the links from there to previous coaching sessions and then back to this post.
A lot has happened for Jodi in the process of being coached by me.
First, she realized that the reason she has been attracting and dating unavailable men is that she herself has been unavailable. We then went on a hunt for why that may be. Jodi revealed that she feels like a criminal for having had an affair and breaking up her marriage. She also revealed that she feels no compassion, and no desire to connect deeply with people. Yet, at the same time, she wants a deep, loving, connected intimate relationship.
Quite a pickle, as you can see, for Jodi, as she can’t be safely disconnected, hiding herself, and yet have a deep, connected relationship with a man.
This is what Jodi said in her latest email:
“I appreciate you treating me with respect and dignity (about the affair) but I do think I killed something…trust. I butchered it without even thinking twice about doing it…I don’t think I was held accountable for my impulsive behavior because my family was in shock and disbelief. They had no warning that I would stoop to that level.
Trust me: I apologized up and down to my husband, to my in-laws, to my kids and to “Pam”. I really meant it and felt closure in doing so. I didn’t see what I was doing when I was in it but I felt remorse when I chose to act on blind attraction versus cluing anyone in to my feelings of longing and despair in my life.
…My recollections of the events that took place 10 years ago are very factual, not emotional. Love Coach, Am I not getting it? Do I need to hash more or bring it to an emotional level somehow? Even to this day, I can’t tell the difference between what is real and what lies within my head as a fantasy. In my head, I tend to make up the future clean and tidy, even though I continue to attract relationship messes. Now that I am single, I play them out differently as if I hope to control what happens next with them; Lord knows I can predict what is going to happen. At this point, I don’t trust myself to consciously run like hell from the red flags of unavailability in a partner. I trust that I can identify the signs of unavailability but I can’t say that I trust myself not to accept these guys with character flaws as all I can get (or deserve?)…”
Love Coach Rinatta says:
Jodi, all right, I guess you need me to take you to task, so being the accommodating coach that I am, here goes.
First, it is still time to dish because I get the sense that the affair is not the thing you are hiding. Many people have affairs and I get that you feel guilty, very guilty and rotten. Yet you have spent years dating unavailable men while wanting love – to me that says you are hiding something much bigger than an affair. So come on, out with it. What is it that’s really awful about you?
Second, it is time to bring this to the emotional level. I have in fact been asking you to do so already, but you have artfully avoided my guidance so far. To bring all this down to emotional level you need to begin with making amends to your family for the affair.
I know you already apologized for it, but, as you said, you and your family were in shock. And an apology is not what I am asking you to do. An apology says, “I am sorry.” Making amends looks like mirroring back to the people you hurt the hurt they experienced, standing in their shoes and talking about what it must have felt like for them. Making amends is being compassionate, the thing you said you do not have access to. So, go make amends to your family – your children and your ex-husband – and you will get access to compassion in the process.
You can do it in person or in a letter, in private or on the blog: your choice. But do it now, without putting it off. Set aside undisturbed time, start with “I am sorry” then literally imagine being in the shoes of each family member in turn, dip into their pool of emotions and verbalize all that you feel. Do not stop until there is nothing else to witness, say, feel – until it is done.
It’s ok if you don’t know what to say when you start. In fact, that is the whole point. The process will work its magic on you, open your heart, and connect you to your family, if you get out of your head and hold the intention of healing everyone concerned.
This will, as I said, bring you to an emotional level, open your heart, teach you to be in touch with your compassion, erase much of your guilt, and heal your family members. With so many benefits, you cannot put this off.
The other way to deeply dip into your emotions, to bring all this to an emotional level, is to heal some of the pain you feel from your childhood. Start the daily practice of using this guided meditation CD to heal your childhood. As I said in my last coaching to you, healing your childhood pain will help you open your heart. Your heart is where your emotions live, so please do this practice every day for the next couple of weeks.
Finally, you say you don’t trust yourself not to continue to connect with unavailable guys, for fear that they are all you can get. I say you are still willing to connect with unavailable guys only because you want connection with a man and yet you are still not willing to open your heart. They are still the only ones who are safe.
As soon as you start to move from your head to your heart, they will become a turn off rather than a turn on, and you will start seeing other kinds of men out there.
You have your work cut out for you this week. I will summarize it for you, so that you do not allow yourself to get lost:
1. Come out with what you are really hiding, so that you can stop hiding it
2. Make deep amends to your family, either in person, in a letter or in the blog
3. Start a daily practice of using this guided meditation to heal your childhood which will open your heart
Do you want the same help and coaching Jodi is receiving, so that you can find your way out of being single and into a healthy relationship? You can get help from me, privately by hiring me as your love coach.
From the Heart,
