Love Coach Blog

Coaching Session #4 of Love Coaching Social Experiment - watch me coach Jodi, a single, bright, beautiful, late-thirty-something lady to help her attract the man of her dreams – reality tv style, right in front of your eyes and ears.

Read full introduction to this social experiment, follow the links from there to previous coaching sessions and then back to this post.

Jodi and I have been actively coaching for about two weeks now. You can see the whole conversation by going back to my original post about Jodi and following the links to the conversation from there.

I am happy to report Jodi had a breakthrough this week.

Jodi realized that although the men she dates are unavailable, she is the one choosing them and for a reason. She does not want to be seen and does not want to be close to anyone, which is why the men she chooses have been perfect for her. They are too preoccupied with their own troubles/drama/issues to see her. Jodi realized that she, herself, is unavailable.

If you have been following her posts and my coaching to her, you would have seen this coming. It’s not that hard to see that a person who picks unavailable people is him- or herself unavailable, and getting something out of the experience.

However, if you are single and don’t want to be, and are choosing people who are not a good match for you, can you see by yourself how it’s you that’s choosing those people, for your own reasons? I bet not. It’s hard to see these dynamics in your own life.

I could have told Jodi that she was the one who was unavailable the first day we started coaching. In fact, I did tell her that in passing, but it did not make a difference. There is a big difference between hearing something, even understanding something, and then KNOWING it.

She now knows deeply, truly, without a doubt that it is not that all men are unavailable, or all are newly divorced. It is not that she is not meant to have love. It is not that she is doomed to always be in unsatisfying relationships.

It is that she has been choosing, for her own reasons, men who are unavailable. She now knows that when she changes her reasons for choosing them, she will be able to choose different kinds of men.

Now I will tell you something. You may be reading this and agreeing with me, and you may see it for her, but you will likely not see it for yourself.

I am going to tell you now, dear reader, that if you are single and struggling to find your mate, it is YOU who is getting something out of the situation, and it is you who is causing the situation. You are not doing it on purpose, but rather in spite of yourself, against your own wishes – much like Jodi. Nevertheless, it is you who is causing your own lack of love.

If you can figure out, deeply and truly, why it is you are setting up this relationship situation for yourself, you will be able to set yourself free to finally find love.

But, just like Jodi, you will probably not be able to figure out why you are attracting the kind of people you are attracting, by yourself. That’s why I am here. If you are not happy with the people you are attracting, if you are constantly getting rejected, if you are not happy about the slim pickings you are seeing out there in the dating world, if you are afraid you may always be single, you really want to talk to me and get my help.

All right, now: back to Jodi.

Given that Jodi realized she is the one who is unavailable, here are her two sets of questions to me for this week and my comments and coaching for her.

Jodi said on her blog, in the Freaky Snake post:

“I have found out, through my coaching, that it is ME who is unavailable.

Because I am unavailable, I attract others just like me. Damn, this is not what I was expecting to happen. It is like someone just pulled the top off of one of those cans with the green and black slinky snake inside. Remember those party gags? I remember seeing the look on people’s faces when they thought they were opening a can of shoe string potatoes and to everyone’s surprise except for the practical joker, POP! out comes a freaky snake. I feel like a part of me has been squashed inside of a safe metal can, and Coach Rinatta pulled back the top.

The reason I accept and feel comfortable with unavailable guys is that I know what to expect. I will expect them to be all wrapped up in themselves so they won’t notice my unavailability.

Also worth mentioning is that I don’t have any close relationships because of my fear of exposing the freaky snake. My freaky snake resides inside but is visible on the outside without me knowing it. Inside the can, my snake feels safe and causes me to be unavailable. Since it has been let out, I feel exposed and a little vulnerable.”

Coaching from Love Coach Rinatta Paries:

Let’s get to know the freaky snake. In other words, what’s so terrible about you that you have to hide out and protect yourself? What don’t you want the world to know about you?

On the other hand, what are you so afraid will happen if you connect with people? You are afraid they will see the freaky snake, but then what? What will happen if they see the real you that you are hiding? What will happen to you, if they see you? What will happen to them?

Jodi also asked:

Now that I am REALLY feeling unavailable, unlike the last couple of weeks when I was REALLY believing that I was available to the wrong crowd, what the Hell do I do now?

Coaching from Love Coach Rinatta Paries:

Jodi, you have to dig into the unavailability. You have to expose it and its reasons for being, how it serves you, what you are hiding, and what you are afraid of. Then you have to address all of it. Because, basically, being unavailable is being afraid. I can tell you to stop being afraid, but my words will do nothing for you.

When people are afraid, they either have to just live in fear, or they have to deal with the “why” of the fear. If you are doing a one-time thing – speaking in front of a big crowd, bungee jumping – you can just tough it out and do the thing despite the fear.

With situations like dating, you can’t just do it – you can’t just attract healthier people to date; you can’t just be more available. You have to acknowledge and honor the “why” of the fear. Then you have to love yourself out of it.

Begin by answering the questions above about the freaky snake post and we will go from there.

This might seem like a lot of work, but this is your key – the reason for your lack of a satisfying love relationship and your lack of connection in general. When you unlock this, you will begin to unlock many of the things you want for yourself, including, but not limited to, love.

Update: See Jodi’s reply to this coaching

From the Heart,