Coaching Jodi to Attract a Relationship, Coaching Session #2
Coaching Session #2 of Love Coaching Social Experiment - watch me coach Jodi, a single, bright, beautiful, late-thirty-something lady to help her attract the man of her dreams – reality tv style, right in front of your eyes and ears.
Read the full introduction to this social experiment, follow the links from there to the first coaching session and then back to this post.
Jodi says in reply to my coaching to her:
I know that I am getting something out of this - dating unavailable men - otherwise I would not let it continue to happen.
My fear of abandonment has to have something to do with this since my dad abandoned me as a young girl. At that time, I had no idea that parents did that sort of thing. I felt safe with my parents, as any little girl should, and when my safety blanket was torn from me, I felt lost and alone.
Dating these guys must seem familiar, like I can predict what is going to happen since it has happened before with my dad – abandonment. I accept that these guys are in my life for a short period of time. I think that they may be attracted to my sense of being compassionate with their situation, but all the while I am thinking, here we go again and swear I am looking at them cockeyed as if to say “Why are you telling me all this?” It doesn’t stop them from dumping.
If I can predict the outcome of these men who are dating me on their “journey” to find themselves, I think I get a safe feeling in the fact that I know what is going to happen. Maybe I am getting some sort of pleasure out of the predictability of the unpredictable guy?
I also want to hold on really tight to these predictable guys by trying to be the perfect girlfriend. I hold myself off from calling or making plans for the weekend but making myself available because I need the comfort of being important to someone. I feel needed and that fulfills a need in me. I have a little girl fantasy that I could be the one to show them the way if they don’t leave but fear that I would fix them only for them to move on to someone else, fixed.
There is a lot of conflict in my head as I flip flop. On one hand, I want to give up dating since this is what I attract and on the other, I know there has got to be a path to change.
Love Coach Rinatta Paries says:
Jodi, don’t give up on dating. Together we will change whom you attract, I promise you.
I completely agree with your assessment as to why you might be dating newly-divorced guys. They are safe and predictable and they put you on a pedestal because of your compassion, which feels good to you.
But this is where it gets really interesting.
You know that they are safe because there will be no long term relationship, and yet you have a fantasy that, against all odds, if you can show them the way, one of these guys will become the one.
This fantasy is one your keys out of this pattern, so let’s work with that.
Has it ever come true for you? Have you ever successfully fixed any guy, including your father, to the point where the guy would be able to stick around and love you the way you want to be loved?
Update: take a look at Jodi’s reply to this coaching
From the Heart,
on January 16, 2006 @ 10:27 pm
I identify with Jody and her abandonment issues.
I did fix my father it was wonderful to know that all the years he was cold to me he really did love me and was not able to show it. He demonstrated his love for me to the level he was capable of . Again ,it was not the father daughter relationship that all little girls dream of but I wasn’t a little girl any more.Of
course I keep on attracting daddy over and over again.
I did fix one other guy but it took 7 years and a lot of heartache. After 2 years with the new and improved version of him I was bored silly. I am a very lonely and frustrated woman.
on January 17, 2006 @ 12:41 am
Nope, never fixed anyone and can not even fix myself but think maybe it is a safe feeling being abandoned. Most of us are independent and is this what we are seeking in reality..Seems my friends who have the most going for them are always the ones being dumped. Think the telling phrase in comment is “I was bored silly”
on January 17, 2006 @ 6:59 am
I too have experience with unavailable men. I think there is a deeper issue here. Jody may be drawn to these men in order to punish herself. Young girls who lack their father’s love may unconsciously believe they did something wrong. When you live in a desert any man can feel like water for awhile. The answer…learn to love yourself and then you won’t be attracted to men who are unable to love themselves and you. If you love yourself enough, unavailable men won’t even be attracted to you.
on January 18, 2006 @ 2:24 am
My pattern is similar… I hang on as long as the guy seems distant or unavialable but chicken out if they start to reciprocate!
on January 18, 2006 @ 5:49 pm
Looks like I am not alone.
I wonder if it is our compassionate nature or if we are fixerupper specialists? If so, I would like some recognition please. A degree maybe?! LOL
I am happy that I am on the road to higher educaton and have left fixerupper school behind!
on January 19, 2006 @ 12:04 am
Thanks everyone for chiming in. Dating unavailable people is a common trend in the singles world. Men have the same experiences with women - you may not hear that side of the story as much, but I certainly do hear it in my practice.
Here is what’s really going on with dating unavailable people. If you are an unavailable person magnet, it’s because it’s working for you to be that way. Figure out how it’s serving you and you will have the power to change it.
on January 19, 2006 @ 12:27 am
I too am attracted to not only the “unavailable man” but to the “bad guy”. And when someone is interested in men I run the other way whereas I prefer to do the chasing so in the end I end up with either being hurt or being too afraid to get into any sort of relationship with a man. I have been divorced for 7 years and have never had a successful relationship for a long period of time. The problem lies with me and I don’t know how to correct it. Its so frustrating. On the other hand I also enjoy being alone but miss the passion and sex. I get claustrophobic when I am in an intense situation and run.