Comments on: How to change your thinking to change your love life

By: Love Coach Rinatta Paries

Love Coach Rinatta Paries — Sat, 10 Jun 2006 02:55:11 +0000

December
it seems that your head is saying no, and even your heart is saying no, but the curiosity or the pull of the relationship is very strong. Listen to your head and your heart and maybe go find excitement somewhere else.

By: December

December — Fri, 09 Jun 2006 12:51:12 +0000

As with the example of the man fearing rejection, sometimes it is hard to know how to proceed, even when think we are on top of reality. I am involved in a new May/December relationship with a friend recently divorced. We became intimate too quickly, and this seemed to freak us out (fear); he wasn’t ready, and I fear abandonment/being used in that he is so much younger. We finally talked and are now still wanting to see eachother but keep it platonic and see how it goes, plus stay open to dating other people. I think this may be best, but-of course-fear I will lose my heart along the way. Somehow keeping a positive attitude and slowing down this relationship does seem to represent a “thinking” approach. What do you think?

By: CW

CW — Sun, 26 Feb 2006 14:27:40 +0000

I have read, heard and felt, from everyone, something that only comes with time…wisdom. It comes from a place of truth. It is, finally, ones own acceptance of one’s self. It’s a struggle, and a journey to get there, and all along it is as simple as that. We all want to play by the rules, because we want to be accepted. If we step out of the box and dare to be unique, that would mean that we are different, and is different bad, and would it be acceptable? It would make other people uncomfortable…maybe. Making choices for one’s self is very scary. It’s safe to do something the way it’s always been done because at least it has been tried, thus, it must be true. After all, people have been burned alive because they didn’t follow the rules and dared to be different; to be moved and inspired to activate and release their own power to choose. And my point is…are you willing to check with yourself to feel validated by your own approval? Is it good enough to provide the gratification and assurance that you long for? If everybody else is happy will they really love you for making them happy? Are they really happy? Is love confined to “happy”. Who is happy? What is happy? Is love only present if everybody, or only you, feels happy? I have finally learned that there is no mystical, secret that reveals or rewards the misinterpretation that eludes mankind. What is love? If you’re looking for and waiting on that answer to come from some source of authenticity…from somewhere else, stop now. Love is not a “what”, because it’s too many things to be confined as a “what”. The only “what” is have you taken the time to see, feel, trust for yourself to learn and know what it feels like to you. What, if anything, do you love? So what if I love strawberry, and you love chocolate. When you know, for yourself, what you love, only then, will it occur to you to inquire about what someone else may love, or inspire them to investigate it about it. If any of us would be willing to find and do and be what we love then we’d know, at last, that’s what love is. It is not a reward for being “acceptable”, nor does it define whether or not you are “good” or “worthy”. AND, it doesn’t make anybody else happy if you’re not. People don’t treat us the way they do because of the way they are, but because of the way we are. Self respect begets respect. Love is so awesome that it cannot be defined, nor contained. It is…and always will be limitless, gentle, flexible, and free. It is not disguised or dispensed as a gift or a reward for good behavior. Love is not a rule. It is whatever it makes us feel. I know I love strawberry, therefore it makes sense to me that you love chocolate. Now that I know what I love, I know that I have no clue about what all there is to learn to love, or all that love can be, however I now know what love in NOT. If I had never asked MYSELF what is it that I love, I would not and could not give love. If you know love, you can give love, and only then, and always, you will recieve love. So, next time you look in the mirror look that person eye to eye. If it means so much to me to have validation a.k.a approval from outside sources, then why can’t I include myself as reliable a source. I’m only guilty unless and until I prove myself innocent. I said all that to just say this…start with yourself. Choose for yourself. Approve of yourself. If you’re not doing anything that hurts anybody else, then, you’re not doing anything wrong. So what if it’s different…that doesn’t make it wrong. Once you decide that you can investigate what you love. It doesn’t matter if anybody else loves it, or doesn’t love you because that’s what you love. That is not what love is. Love is not a “what”, and it is…and it always will be free. You couldn’t pay for it if you had all the wealth there ever was, and ever could be. It’s NOT for sale. It’s FREE. You don’t earn it [and you do], you give it, and guess what, it comes right…straight…back to you. It’s as simple as that. But if you don’t find out what you love, then you’ll die assuming, and eluded by the “what”. If you don’t know what it is you’re giving, then you’ll never know what you’re getting. This I now know, IT IS a many splendored thing. Do not be confused by the times you may give it, and don’t get it back. Move on. Take it like you find it, and/or leave it like it is. It’s always for free, but sometimes it’s not for sure. It comes with a guarantee…you get to choose, which is why YOU have to feel it first for yourself. Whether you believe in a Higher Power or not, do not deny yourself the experience, or experiment of allowing your own unique Power to take you Higher. Whatever we truly love will make us happy, and whatever we really don’t….won’t.
This is my story, and I’m sticking to it. I love to write, however, I don’t as much as I like to. I learned that I love [that I chose] that I chose that it was okay to tell you, [that it is important to me] to stretch myself and participate in this forum. I did so because I revere each of you for sharing your wisdom. I read and do acknowledge that each participent responsed cautiously and responsibly, and that each recieved validation with intelligence, sensitivity, respect and nonjudgement.
I know these things: That there is a LOT that I don’t know. That I do know that nobody really knows…they just say “what ‘they’ said’”, so you need to check it out for yourself. I do now know that I get to choose…and if that doesn’t work, I get to choose again. Heaven is within me and not some far off place in the sky, and hell is a state of being…it’s whatever you think…it is. And you’re really better off not dwelling on it. Oh, and yes, SIN is: Staying Ignorant and Negative or Stagnant, Inactive and Nonexistent. I have not yet witnessed that it has anything to do with wearing red lipstik, or achieving a healthy orgasm (all within and under the appropriate circumstances, of course). Stop! Look! Listen to your heart…hear what it’s saying.

By: Ashley Mitchell

Ashley Mitchell — Mon, 16 Jan 2006 13:16:40 +0000

I first learned the concept of the power of self-thought and self-talk when I was 18 and a part of an anonymous self-help group. My own experience proves to me it is a powerful concept,as well as the readings I’ve done in various psychology classes I’ve taken since then. I’m 22 now, and the situation I find myself in is that I’m in a relatively new relationship (3 months) and it’s becoming clearer to me each day that my partner really does not have control over his thoughts. I fear this is deeply engrained in him, partly because of his upbringing. We seem to go in circles working through our problems,
which honestly are all having to do with his hang-ups about my past before I entered into our relationship. He feels he is condemned to be ‘haunted’ by images of unpleasant things involving me and people I dated before I first met him..despite my best efforts to help him deal and not torment himself,to gain more control over his thoughts;I feel maybe it is because he is so out of control of what goes on in his head(he says this is stronger some times than others) that he can’t get the nature of this concept for that very reason.. how do you reach someone who seems to be an external (external locus of control,opposite of someone who feels they are a master of their own destiny); I’m worried he’s caught in a vicious cycle of negative thought..it’s hard for me to put myself in his shoes because I have been familiar with these concepts and using them for so long. I’m a patient girl,I will try to hold on and give him a chance to absorb these new ideas I’ve been throwing at him..and I plan on renting ‘What the *$$&# Do We Know’ for us to watch together after reading the previous comment mentioning it above. Any other suggestions?

By: Ms. Shirlee

Ms. Shirlee — Fri, 09 Dec 2005 04:06:14 +0000

Dear Mr. Confused:

Maybe there is no way to end a meaningful relationship without hurting someone. After all both of you have put your hearts and souls into it. However, if you really must move on, you should tell the other person and stick to your guns. Of course be very sure this is what you want before you start this process. A truthful and staight forward talk is better than living a lie and making it much harder to break up in the future. Good luck. PS
It also doen’t hurt to have a professional to talk to in the process.

By: mr. confused

mr. confused — Mon, 24 Oct 2005 01:33:55 +0000

Thanks for allowing me to read your article. To tell you the truth, I have issues on my love life as well. I have been contemplating on ending a very meaningful relationship. Right now, I don’t have any ideas how to do it without hurting other people.

By: Ms. Jordan

Ms. Jordan — Sat, 15 Oct 2005 22:53:34 +0000

Edward:
I have a rather similar problem. I need someone about 10 years younger. I am 46, childless, never married. I honestly look about 37. I have tried dating men my age and older (50 is as high as I will go), but their lifestyles, their outlooks (and often their looks, as they look much older than me), and their attitudes either bore or frustrate me. It seems the younger men are best for me.
If you are younger looking, young at heart, and most importantly, willing to keep looking for her, I bet you do find someone in the age range you desire. And you’ve got it easier — it’s more socially acceptable for the man to be the older person in a couple. If I’m not giving up, don’t you, either!

By: Ms. Moore

Ms. Moore — Tue, 06 Sep 2005 06:30:25 +0000

This is great advice! It seems as if we are our own worst enemy at times… We can imagine situations in our heads to be worse than they really are. What L. Fowler experienced is similar to the GAS model (Generalized Anxiety Syndrome) I learned about in a Psychology class: You get hit with blow after blow until you feel so beat down you can’t get up. Finally, with the help of friends, family and hopefully God, you realize that not all hope is gone and you will survive and move on to prosper. You know the phrase “You are what you eat?” Well, I think the same can be said with thinking as in “You are what you think”. For instance, if you think you are destined to be single, you probably will. If you think you are a failure, results will probably prove you to be so. We should give ourselves a chance- especially if other people as well as God do! God Bless all

By: Ann

Ann — Tue, 06 Sep 2005 03:50:08 +0000

L.Fowler, I’m sorry for your loss. Thats a lot you’ve had to deal with. The grieving process is very important and plays a crucial role in healing. I don’t think Rinatta in any way recommends supressing grief. Whats important though, is not to stay stuck there. You draw the line when you start looking for reasons and blaming yourself for the things that went wrong. If a relationship has ended, its fine to grieve over it, but if you start beating yourself up for it, its counter productive.

By: Sandi

Sandi — Mon, 05 Sep 2005 18:08:44 +0000

To Edward:

Not everybody over 50 shows the signs of age you must be talking about. So, just because they may say in their editorial page that their age is over 50, don’t turn aways, give them a look see first before you make that decision. I am always told I look at least 10 years younger than I am and, I find that my body looks better than a lot of 30 year olds and younger.

Signed
Over 50