Love Coach Blog

Do you wonder why everyone else seems to be happily in love while you are not? Do you wonder where all the good ones are? Does it seem that everywhere you look, you run across people who are not a fit for you, and that many of your friends appear to be having the same problem? Do you wonder why you can’t get to the second date or, at times, even to the first date? Do you wonder why you can’t seem to keep a relationship? Do you keep trying to figure out how to be better, different or more attractive, so that you can finally be in a relationship? Or, worse, have you given up on having a loving relationship in your life altogether?

This great dilemma of why you are still single after everything you have tried to do to get into a relationship baffles and bothers most singles. If only meeting more eligible people provided a solution to finding the right mate, what you have already done to meet new people would have worked. If the solution amounted to reading self-help books and learning more about yourself, then the self-learning you have already done would have helped you to attract a mate. If the solution meant talking about and processing your past in therapy, then, for those of you who have done therapy, it would have already helped you. And, if giving up on love altogether really worked, you would be happy alone, unfettered by lack of a loving partner.

So why are you still single?
Continued on next page »»

If you are single, you know the feeling of wanting to be held, touched, cherished; that need for passionate touch, comforting touch, any kind of touch – and the suffering that results from having no one to give you that touch.

It’s not so well-known that many married people and people in relationships also suffer from the unfulfilled need for touch, physical comfort and passion. Their story is different from that of singles, and the reasons for the absence of touch in their relationship may be varied, from a good relationship gone bad to health issues involving one of the spouses.

Most of us crave touch and can’t live well without it. Having to live without can be excruciating. So what does a person do when there is nobody to meet the need for touch? You learn to satisfy some of your craving for touch for and by yourself.

The truth is, until you are in a loving, long-term, touchy-feely, intimate relationship, your need for touch will not be completely satisfied. If that is not motivation to get your fanny out of your chair and resolve the relationship issues that are keeping you from having a loving, touchy-feely, long-term relationship, I don’t know what is.

The need for touch is very much like the need for food. You may satiate yourself for today, but tomorrow the need will arise again. Be prepared when the need arises daily. Pick a few suggestions below and practice them daily to keep your craving for touch at bay. Reducing your craving for touch will make it easier for you to make better relationship choices.
Continued on next page »»

Last Coaching Session of Love Coaching Social Experiment - watch me coach Jodi, a single, bright, beautiful, late-thirty-something lady to help her attract the man of her dreams – reality TV style, right in front of your eyes and ears.

Read full introduction to this social experiment, follow the links from there to previous coaching sessions and then back to this post.

A while back asked Jodi to go get a book at the bookstore, read it and start doing the exercises in it. The purpose was to give her what she is missing and the reason she doesn’t have love in her life – the experience of being loved.

The first week she was waiting for the book to get to her library. At the end of that week I told her to go get the book at the bookstore. While there, she got another book instead, one that helps her mind but does nothing for her heart. Jodi talks about her struggle to get the right book in this post.

In general coaching has been hard on Jodi because she didn’t think we would do anything deep in coaching, and here we are, having gotten to the bottom of her issues. Jodi talks about her struggle with what’s coming up for her here.

In my last coaching to Jodi I asked her what she would be willing to do to move herself forward in dealing with her relationship issues. Her first answer was to come clean with what’s been going on in her relationships.

This is a good, honest answer and yet, if she wants to get what she came into coaching for – love in her life – she will have to do more. She will have to find a way to take daily action towards growing herself into a warm, open, and connected person.

You see, at the very core, Jodi’s issue is that
Continued on next page »»

Lately I have been struck by how much we let our interpretation of love and life rather than the facts guide our lives. Let me give you some examples. Many of these will not be about love or relationships, but bare with me and I will bring all this around to love:

• A business owner is struggling to make ends meet. He has more clients then ever on a client roster, but they are not using his services. A suggestion is made that he come up with alternative services or products that people on his client roster would buy. He laughs it off. He says he must be tired and that is why his clients are not coming in. Reality says one thing but, not wanting to face reality, he comes up with an explanation that will give him something to do but will not give him a solution.

• A retainer client of a business owner starts to use much more time than the retainer covers. The business owner gently asks for either a reduction of time or an increase in the retainer. The client thinks he is being taken advantage of, gets angry and leaves. In reality the business owner was trying to take care of the client, but the client’s mistaken interpretation wins and he ends up without the services he was benefiting from.

• A woman believes that she is not as good as others. No matter how many people tell her how wonderful she is, this belief persists and colors her life. Even faced with overwhelming evidence that she is desirable, she tends to cling to her belief. This costs her time, happiness and connections with people who care about her.

• A sleep-deprived man who does not like to go to sleep early finds nightly excuses to stay up. His health, his relationships, his sense of well being and ability function suffer greatly. Yet nightly he still finds reasons to stay up, caught in the perpetual illusion that he is getting things done while staying up. In interpreting events to fit what he wants – to stay up - with each night’s loss of sleep he is less healthy, less productive and more alone.

• A man continues to pressure a woman to resume a relationship she ended with him a year earlier. He initiates all the contact; she barely responds. Occasionally they meet for lunch, but most of the time she avoids him. He reinterprets each contact, initiated by him, as her wanting to be connected to him. As a result, he remains trapped in a non-existent relationship while his life is passing him by.

• A woman dates emotionally shut-down men, hoping each time that the man will warm up and open up once he falls in love with her. The men continue to be shut down and emotionally unavailable, and yet she still keeps the hope. Her misinterpretation that the emotional shut down would go away with time keeps her trapped in relationships that will never give her the love and closeness she wants.

I could go on and on, giving example after example of people making choices according to their interpretation of events, while reality is screaming loudly in their ear to wake up and make different choices. This is especially true in love,
Continued on next page »»