Love Coach Blog

People often compromise or lose their sense of self in a relationship.

They may do this to be liked, to be loved, or to please their partner. Some people may compromise what’s most important to them and to their well-being because they believe they have to. Some people may lose themselves in the relationship because it feels good to merge with their partner. Some stop taking care of their needs as they become the last on the list, after family and relationship. And some people get lazy, thinking that now that they have a relationship, their partner will give them all they need. Finally, some people get so wrapped up in getting their partner to meet their needs that they completely lose the self they once were.

There are many reasons people stop being themselves in a relationship. Regardless, the loss or compromise of the sense of self leads to the forfeiture of self-care and often contributes to the later breakup of the relationship. However, a strong sense of self and self-care on each partner’s part matter in the long-term survival and happiness of the couple. In other words, you must keep the “you” strong and well “fed” in order to have a happy relationship.

You enter the relationship as whole person, not only with your own interests and life, but more importantly with your own preferences, boundaries, likes and dislikes. Your partner is attracted exactly to this part of you – to your strength, your individuality and your sense of self. It is this self that your partner wants to be with and chooses the relationship for. When you start to lose or surrender your sense of self, your partner starts to lose the person he or she got into a relationship with – a big problem. The more of your self you lose, the less your partner will want to be with you.

But more importantly, you start to lose yourself and likely start blaming the relationship and your partner for the loss. The more of yourself you lose, the more miserable you will feel. You will likely become angry, resentful, and not at all pleasant to be with as a result. This is a one-two punch sort of thing – as your partner starts to miss out on having you around, you may add unpleasant, resentment-filled behavior to the mix, which makes you unpleasant to be around. You can see how this can create distance in the relationship.

If both people are doing this dance, which they often are, it’s no surprise that many couples drift apart.

What can you do to save your relationship?
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Take a look at a great article on how parents affect your love life. I am one of the experts feature in the article. Parents effect not only your relationship behavior, but your partner choices, how you behave under stress and what you are willing and unwilling to put up with in a relationship. Kudos to sassybean.com for broaching this subject.

The article suggests you look at healthy couples for new role models, and that is a great start. And to definitively break the relationship mold created for you by your parents, you have to do much more work than that. This is one thing I work on extensively with clients, as redesigning your emotional life™ and is seldom navigated successfully without support.

From the Heart,
Love Coach Rinatta

If you read Robert Bly and Robert Moore, you will learn that men need to go on a hero’s quest to claim their full masculinity.

These two insightful authors and countless others perceive the problems of men in our society as a lack of opportunity to grow up. There are no longer quests to fulfill. Men are no longer asked to grow in valor and strength of character, and they are no longer asked to mature emotionally.

I believe the current problems of men and women in relationships have something to do with a lack of hero’s journey in men’s lives. Not that women are completely innocent, as you will see as you read this article.

Women think nothing of pursuing men, putting up with bad relationship behavior. Women excuse men for being emotionally distant, physically and emotionally evasive, abusive, workaholic, unskilled relationally and generally hard to be in a love relationship with. Granted, not all men are hard to love, but many are, and many women and families, including men themselves, are suffering because of this and seeking a way to fix their relationship.

One of the things that would help men be more relational and create happier relationships would be to undertake a hero’s journey to intimacy.

Single Man’s Hero Journey

What can you do if you are a single man who’s been unlucky in love?

A single man’s hero journey to intimacy
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Below you will find the best of the best books on love and relationships, for both men and women. These are some of my favorite books, the ones I suggest to clients when they are working on their relationship or single life. These are also the books I turn to when navigating my own relationship and life.

Lately I have been re-reading many of these books and hearing from clients about them, and I thought I would share them with you:

The New Rules of Marriage by Terrence Real

This book is the manual for how to have a functional relationship and marriage, and a must-have for anyone in a relationship, good or not. It’s a great read for singles so that they know what to do once they are in a relationship.

Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody

Pia Mellody is one of the pioneers in personal recovery field. This book is one of the few on the market exposing love addiction and love avoidance. Don’t know what either one is? You are probably a love addict or a love avoidant yourself – as most people are. This book will help you see it and heal it, and will help you bring sanity to your relationship life.
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