Love Coach Blog

Divorce can be a devastating ordeal, and recovering from divorce can be a difficult, treacherous road. Sometimes people don’t recover at all. Others, although appearing to be past their divorce, still carry the pain of the breakup and the fear of getting close to a partner again.

A breakup of a non marital relationship can be just as devastating as a divorce. The pain can be intense even if the relationship did not last a long time.

Below are 10 ways to help you recover from a divorce or breakup, get your life back on track, and guarantee a bright relationship future for yourself. These steps will show you how to heal deeply and re-create your life and your relationships to be far more fulfilling then before the breakup.

1. Grieve deeply and completely.

Many times people are terrified of their dark feelings, such as sadness, depression, anger, etc. The intensity of these feelings can seem strong enough to take hold of your soul completely. But you need to know that although these feelings are indeed strong, they will not last forever. Nor will feeling these feelings in some way damage you or destroy you. You will feel better once you allow yourself to feel.

On the other hand, if you do not feel the dark feelings arising in you as a result of the breakup, they will last forever and will deeply affect your life and future relationships.

Go ahead and feel your feelings. Feel the anger, the sadness, the betrayal, the confusion. Avoid going into your head and obsessing instead of feeling. Avoid overeating or using other addictions to escape your feelings.

This is your dark night of the soul, the time to dip into your feelings. Feel your feelings now, and you will be free to move on with your life post-divorce or post-breakup.

2. Grieve for the future of your marriage/relationship, which now will never be.

When people come together in a commitment, many dreams and hopes are created. These are not simple to let go of, because we use dreams and hopes to guide us to our future. Look into what dreams and hopes you had created for your relationship. Then separately grieve for each one.
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I bet you are in dire need of a holiday gift giving guide that won’t drive you insane with mall and hi-tech store shopping and will help and improve the life of your gift recipient. For the first time ever, I present to you the Love Coach’s Holiday Gift Giving Guide. In this gift guide you will find gifts that will keep on giving by improving the quality of life and the relationships of those you love - all under $30.

1. Give the gift of time

I know you have heard this a million times – give time. It’s frugal; it’s smart, blah, blah, blah. But you have no time, you say. And I hear you.

Yet, the reason you are shopping for someone, scouring the web or the mall for the perfect gift is because you love the person(s). And they/he/she loves you. There is a relationship there. And there is no relationship without time together. Your kid(s) or your spouse or partner may want that thing you are going to buy him or her, but what is needed is time together with you, your full focus and attention.

Here is a handy dandy website to make gift certificates for time together. Go do it now and you can have the perfect gift done in 5 minutes flat!

2. The gift of music

This gift may not make a huge difference in a life, but this music is so sweet, I had to include it in this list.

A little known classical guitarist friend of mine has put out a CD of classical guitar romantic music. He is a virtuoso on the guitar and the music is wonderful, uplifting, with an almost other worldly quality. Perfect for those cold nights with the fireplace roaring, or to calm someone’s nerves after braving the office or the mall. A great stocking stuffer! Find his Romantic Evening CD at www.spectormusic.com. You can sample the music right there at his website.

3. Give books

Good books are always a good gift and if you buy online, they will come right to your door. Gotta love that.
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People often compromise or lose their sense of self in a relationship.

They may do this to be liked, to be loved, or to please their partner. Some people may compromise what’s most important to them and to their well-being because they believe they have to. Some people may lose themselves in the relationship because it feels good to merge with their partner. Some stop taking care of their needs as they become the last on the list, after family and relationship. And some people get lazy, thinking that now that they have a relationship, their partner will give them all they need. Finally, some people get so wrapped up in getting their partner to meet their needs that they completely lose the self they once were.

There are many reasons people stop being themselves in a relationship. Regardless, the loss or compromise of the sense of self leads to the forfeiture of self-care and often contributes to the later breakup of the relationship. However, a strong sense of self and self-care on each partner’s part matter in the long-term survival and happiness of the couple. In other words, you must keep the “you” strong and well “fed” in order to have a happy relationship.

You enter the relationship as whole person, not only with your own interests and life, but more importantly with your own preferences, boundaries, likes and dislikes. Your partner is attracted exactly to this part of you – to your strength, your individuality and your sense of self. It is this self that your partner wants to be with and chooses the relationship for. When you start to lose or surrender your sense of self, your partner starts to lose the person he or she got into a relationship with – a big problem. The more of your self you lose, the less your partner will want to be with you.

But more importantly, you start to lose yourself and likely start blaming the relationship and your partner for the loss. The more of yourself you lose, the more miserable you will feel. You will likely become angry, resentful, and not at all pleasant to be with as a result. This is a one-two punch sort of thing – as your partner starts to miss out on having you around, you may add unpleasant, resentment-filled behavior to the mix, which makes you unpleasant to be around. You can see how this can create distance in the relationship.

If both people are doing this dance, which they often are, it’s no surprise that many couples drift apart.

What can you do to save your relationship?
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Take a look at a great article on how parents affect your love life. I am one of the experts feature in the article. Parents effect not only your relationship behavior, but your partner choices, how you behave under stress and what you are willing and unwilling to put up with in a relationship. Kudos to sassybean.com for broaching this subject.

The article suggests you look at healthy couples for new role models, and that is a great start. And to definitively break the relationship mold created for you by your parents, you have to do much more work than that. This is one thing I work on extensively with clients, as redesigning your emotional life™ and is seldom navigated successfully without support.

From the Heart,
Love Coach Rinatta