Everyone at one point or another criticizes the person they are in a relationship with, be it a partner, a parent, a child, a co-worker, etc. Sometimes the criticism is verbalized outright, often it is veiled in a sideways comment, and at times it is not spoken but felt.

Criticism, the request for adjustment in behavior from another, is a normal part of life, part of friction we feel dealing with each other and our own individual preferences.

I know this is not the common view. The common view of criticism is that it is offensive, an insult, an affront, an attack. Perhaps it is all those things sometimes, but most often, it is none of those. Let me tell you what criticism, or feedback, or request for change is really about. You might be surprised by what you read below.

What does it mean when one person gives another constructive feedback or criticism or asks for a change in behavior? It often means that person cares enough about the relationship to risk causing a negative reaction in the other. Otherwise why bother asking for change?

In other words, if you are dating person A, or are in a relationship with person A, and he or she is doing something you can’t stand, you have a choice. If you no longer want the relationship, you simply leave. However, if you want the relationship, you will tend to try to accept this thing you can’t stand, and when you find you can’t, you will give constructive feedback, or criticize your partner.

You will do this specifically because you want the relationship, not because you don’t want it!

The key is that we do not give feedback to people we do not want in our lives. We only take the risk to give feedback to the people who we want to keep; who we hope will accommodate our desires, at least somewhat.

And there in lies in part the cause of the current crisis in relationships. The popular belief is that we should be accepted as is in a relationship, that our partner should find us perfect, that no change should be requested of us. If change is requested, most people feel offended and either feel deeply hurt and resentful or simply end the relationship because they do not want to be criticized.

When did we come to believe that we are perfect and that we should be accepted as is? When did we come to believe that when people don’t like something about our behavior and say so, they are being offensive?

We are imperfect. We all have issues, we all do things that are not good for us, not good for those around us. And so when someone cares enough to risk giving us feedback, perhaps we should take that as a sign of caring, of love, rather than being offended. Feedback, because it involves so much risk for the person giving feedback, is an act of courage and caring.

Feedback can be an opportunity for building intimacy, if taken correctly. Feedback shows you that you are being seen. What is reflected to you is imperfect, yes, but you are being seeing by another person, and that is so very powerful and can be so very healing.

How often in life are we truly seen? Perhaps people see the clothing we wear, the persona we project, but not much else. When someone gives feedback, this can be a door to true intimacy, because intimacy begins with seeing each other.

Want the moment of criticism or feedback to be a door for more intimacy and love in your relationship, as opposed to the moment the relationship breaks or ends? Here’s how.

When getting feedback or criticism, open your heart, even thought it may hurt or it may make you feel ashamed that you are not perfect.

Dig deep, look for the reasons you do what you do, share them with the person giving you feedback. Ask him or her what the intent of the criticism or feedback was. Ask him or her what she or he was trying to achieve by verbalizing the feedback. When you hear that he or she wants you, except this one thing needs to change, hear that. And consider perhaps that one thing is something you already think you need to change for yourself? Would your life be better if you changed that thing?

Very often, that is exactly the case. The thing that people ask us to change, especially if the requests are repeated over a series of relationships, are exactly the thing that would serve US to change and grow about ourselves.

And then consider – should you be hurt because someone can see you; because yet another person asks you to change the same thing as many other people have asked for? Or perhaps you could consider being grateful, because you end up with people in your life who care about your enough to ask for an alteration so that they can keep you in their life.

If you can overcome the shame that is triggered by criticism or feedback and instead use the information to improve your life, if you can be open enough to show the person giving feedback that you are wounded by it, but yet are listening, an opening will occur in your relationship as a result.

And in that opening you two will grow in intimacy, in seeing each other deeper. You will grow into feeling closer and safer with each other.

This is a powerful way of being – taking feedback and allowing it to mold you into a better, more open, more flexible person. It’s also a great way to conduct relationships, as you turn potentially relationship-killing situations into opportunities for more closeness.
I will end this by telling you that this is the way I live my life and I love what it does for me and my relationships! I encourage you to give it a try and tell me how it works for you.

Recently I have been working with a couple of clients who are stuck in wanting their no longer interested ex partners back. The ex partners are done with the relationship in both cases, but my clients do not want to let go.

To make it worst, they have much pain about not wanting to let go and take many actions to stop the letting go process. One of the clients who’s doing this contacts the man she used to be in a relationship with constantly, wanting to connect with him. His responses range from anger at her reaching out to compassion while asking her to be strong and move on with her life.

Another client does not contact her ex, but responds when the ex reaches out to her. Unfortunately, he never reaches out to reconnect, just to touch base on the phone, by text and email. They have no seen each other in many months.

These clients are stuck in that they do not want to let the relationship go. They would rather hold on to the fantasy that it can still be revived somehow, even thought their ex-partners are giving them no indication at all that revival of the relationship is possible.

What do I mean? If a person is considering getting back together with you, or trying again, they will let you know. They will call and say “I have been thinking about you” or “I miss you.” They will schedule a time to see you and talk to you. They will try to sort through issues that lead to the breakup. There will be clear indications that they want to reconcile or at least try to reconcile.

This is not the case in the situations my clients are in. There are no indications at all that their partners want reconciliation. Yet, there’s still the “I don’t want to let go” on the part of my clients.

I have been thinking about how to help both of them and other people in the same “I don’t want to let go” situation and here are my thoughts. Sometimes people hold on to a relationship because if they let go, they are letting go of any chance for their partner to heal for them the wrongs and wounds of the relationship. In other words, if I let go of a partner who hurt me, he will never have the chance to make the pain he caused me right by me.

I think that is what’s going on here. These women (and I have coached men in the same situation) are holding on to their ex hoping that the ex will make up somehow for the hurt caused in the relationship, will somehow make it right. And some exes do reach back and make things right and some exes reconcile and go on to live together happily ever after.

But in this situation, the exes are showing no inclination to either reconcile or make things right, at all, and it has been like this for a long time. So how do I get my clients unstuck and be willing to let go of their ex? And if you are in the same situation, how can you get unstuck, stop trying to revive a dead relationship and move on with your life?

Forgiveness.

If you are able to forgive the person who hurt you, you no longer need to wait for the person to rite their wrongs. If they make amends and make things better, great. But your life is no longer on hold, no longer waiting for your ex to make things better for you. If you forgive, you are free.

Forgiveness is for you, not for them. It is a way of releasing yourself from the need for your ex to do anything to make you feel better. And there’s no requirement that you forget, but simply forgive, as in let go of the holding on of the pain, and the holding the other person responsible for your happiness. See them as having done the best they could, even if it was very worst for you. It was still the best they could do. And let go.

That is what I told my clients. Forgive your ex and in forgiving, let go of the relationship and be free to go on with your life. Say “I forgive you and let you go.” And keep saying it until you mean it. It seems to be working for them and perhaps it will work for you.

If you are dealing with a breakup, you may also want to read the following articles:

• Dealing with Heartache – Here’s Relief
• How To Let Your Ex Go

Is fighting a problem in your relationship or marriage? Fighting is a very serious problem for many couples. The good news is that I am about to help you solve it permanently.

Read this article and then listen to me talk about how to fight fair by listening to a conversation I had with empowerment coach Kim Knight, at the bottom of this post.

First you have to understand that you should not fight at all, with anyone. I don’t mean you should not disagree with others or your significant other. Nor should you not feel passionate about your disagreements. But fighting describes a set of behaviors that are very destructive to a relationship and must be prevented at all costs.

Here’s what we do when we fight. We get angry and defensive. We get passionate and have trouble controlling our emotions, words and actions. People often exaggerate facts when fighting or they say things they don’t mean. None of this is productive in any relationships and especially in a romantic relationship. In fact, it is damaging. And it accomplishes nothing.

Instead, when you have disagreement with your significant other, follow the nine commandments of fighting fare:

The Nine Commandments of Fighting Fare:

1.    Both people have the right to have needs and wants and make requests of each other
2.    Even if one person’s needs, wants or request makes the other person uncomfortable or unhappy, it’s still ok to have these needs, wants and requests
3.    Both people have the right to be understood, to state their case, to be heard
4.    Both people have the right to express their opinion even if it is about each other
5.    Even if the conversation makes one of the people uncomfortable or anxious, it still needs to happen if the other person needs it to happen
6.    Both people matter
7.    The conversation needs to end in a compromise, where each person gets as much as possible of what he or she wants – both people need to work towards a win win
8.    If a partner brings up an issue it is already important, otherwise it would not be brought up. Dismissing, stonewalling, ignoring, minimizing and making promises that are not kept are disruptive to the relationship.
9.    Emotions such as anger, anxiety, impatience need to be kept in check, even if it means the couple needs to take a break to calm down and/or talk about the issue in short segments

If you approach “fighting” in this way, you will no longer have fights. Instead you will have a partnership with two people who come to each other with needs, wants and thoughts and are lovingly, openly received, supported, helped and honored by each other. That’s the kind of fighting that brings people closer rather than tearing them apart.

Both of you need to be at your best when you discuss issues so that you do not fight. It is important that intense conversations be timed when both people have the best possible chance to behave as a loving, supportive grownup.

This means that when issues come up, do not hold them in and gather them to the point where you are going to burst unless you have it out right now, but do choose the timing of difficult conversations carefully.

A note to men about fighting:
Men tend to see women’s emotions as manipulative and are often afraid of women’s anger. And if you are man out there who finds it difficult to deal with your wife’s or girlfriend’s anger, I would ask you to think about one thing. She’s not your mother.

When your mother was angry at you or was manipulating you with her emotions, that was a life and death sort of situation. What boy wants to loose his mother’s love? Your mother’s anger or disappointment could probably reduce you to tears when you were a little boy, because she was person #1 in your life.

On the other hand your wife or girlfriend may be the love of your life, but she did not give you life. She is your equal, not above you. She does not have the power your mother had over you. So let her be angry and learn to breathe and be with her anger and disappointment – it can not hurt you. If you can allow and honor her emotions and give her the right to have them she will see you as her hero.

Last tip to avoid fighting and have productive, loving discussions with your partner:

When your partner is talking, listen. If you start getting upset say to yourself “he is saying this and I am still ok” or “she doesn’t like something I am doing and I am still ok.” It’s a ways of bringing yourself down from upset so that you can listen and be in the conversation and make your relationship work.

For more relationship help get my two ecourses for couples:

Essential Communication Course for Couples: Get help improving communication in your relationship. Learn the rules of healthy communication, why you are communicating even when you’re not, and how to establish communication that makes your relationship thrive.
Increase Intimacy in Your Relationship: regain the closeness and love you once had and never loose it again. Learn about what kills intimacy, how to get it back and how to get your partner to want you more.