Everyone at one point or another criticizes the person they are in a relationship with, be it a partner, a parent, a child, a co-worker, etc. Sometimes the criticism is verbalized outright, often it is veiled in a sideways comment, and at times it is not spoken but felt.

Criticism, the request for adjustment in behavior from another, is a normal part of life, part of friction we feel dealing with each other and our own individual preferences.

I know this is not the common view. The common view of criticism is that it is offensive, an insult, an affront, an attack. Perhaps it is all those things sometimes, but most often, it is none of those. Let me tell you what criticism, or feedback, or request for change is really about. You might be surprised by what you read below.

What does it mean when one person gives another constructive feedback or criticism or asks for a change in behavior? It often means that person cares enough about the relationship to risk causing a negative reaction in the other. Otherwise why bother asking for change?

In other words, if you are dating person A, or are in a relationship with person A, and he or she is doing something you can’t stand, you have a choice. If you no longer want the relationship, you simply leave. However, if you want the relationship, you will tend to try to accept this thing you can’t stand, and when you find you can’t, you will give constructive feedback, or criticize your partner.

You will do this specifically because you want the relationship, not because you don’t want it!

The key is that we do not give feedback to people we do not want in our lives. We only take the risk to give feedback to the people who we want to keep; who we hope will accommodate our desires, at least somewhat.

And there in lies in part the cause of the current crisis in relationships. The popular belief is that we should be accepted as is in a relationship, that our partner should find us perfect, that no change should be requested of us. If change is requested, most people feel offended and either feel deeply hurt and resentful or simply end the relationship because they do not want to be criticized.

When did we come to believe that we are perfect and that we should be accepted as is? When did we come to believe that when people don’t like something about our behavior and say so, they are being offensive?

We are imperfect. We all have issues, we all do things that are not good for us, not good for those around us. And so when someone cares enough to risk giving us feedback, perhaps we should take that as a sign of caring, of love, rather than being offended. Feedback, because it involves so much risk for the person giving feedback, is an act of courage and caring.

Feedback can be an opportunity for building intimacy, if taken correctly. Feedback shows you that you are being seen. What is reflected to you is imperfect, yes, but you are being seeing by another person, and that is so very powerful and can be so very healing.

How often in life are we truly seen? Perhaps people see the clothing we wear, the persona we project, but not much else. When someone gives feedback, this can be a door to true intimacy, because intimacy begins with seeing each other.

Want the moment of criticism or feedback to be a door for more intimacy and love in your relationship, as opposed to the moment the relationship breaks or ends? Here’s how.

When getting feedback or criticism, open your heart, even thought it may hurt or it may make you feel ashamed that you are not perfect.

Dig deep, look for the reasons you do what you do, share them with the person giving you feedback. Ask him or her what the intent of the criticism or feedback was. Ask him or her what she or he was trying to achieve by verbalizing the feedback. When you hear that he or she wants you, except this one thing needs to change, hear that. And consider perhaps that one thing is something you already think you need to change for yourself? Would your life be better if you changed that thing?

Very often, that is exactly the case. The thing that people ask us to change, especially if the requests are repeated over a series of relationships, are exactly the thing that would serve US to change and grow about ourselves.

And then consider – should you be hurt because someone can see you; because yet another person asks you to change the same thing as many other people have asked for? Or perhaps you could consider being grateful, because you end up with people in your life who care about your enough to ask for an alteration so that they can keep you in their life.

If you can overcome the shame that is triggered by criticism or feedback and instead use the information to improve your life, if you can be open enough to show the person giving feedback that you are wounded by it, but yet are listening, an opening will occur in your relationship as a result.

And in that opening you two will grow in intimacy, in seeing each other deeper. You will grow into feeling closer and safer with each other.

This is a powerful way of being – taking feedback and allowing it to mold you into a better, more open, more flexible person. It’s also a great way to conduct relationships, as you turn potentially relationship-killing situations into opportunities for more closeness.
I will end this by telling you that this is the way I live my life and I love what it does for me and my relationships! I encourage you to give it a try and tell me how it works for you.

Dating is not grow-the-relationship process. It is a getting-to-know-each-other-and-see-if-we-fit-process. This getting to know you phase last from 3 to 6 months. During this time you should not be falling in love. You can fall in like, lust and enjoyment of each other, but not love.

There will be plenty of time for love later, if the two of you are a right fit for each other.

Follow this and you will avoid uncessesary drama and heartbreak and find the right partner faster.

Attention singles: would you like to find out if you are a true love magnet, and if not, what you can do to enhance your ability to attract true love? Take the quiz below and find out.

If you are single, by now you have ventured out into the online dating world. There’s not that much of a stigma anymore about using online dating to meet potential partners. The dilemma now is more of which dating site is more effective and where should you spend your time and money.

My single readers and clients tell me that it’s hard to  get noticed on Match because of the sheer volume of people. eHarmony tends to be ok for some, but for others the matches can be wildly mismatched. Free dating sites such as Plenty of Fish and Craig’s list are sometimes creepy. Smaller dating sites have a smaller pool of potential partners. The jury is still out on the dating applications on facebook.

So where’s a single person to hang their dating hat?

I like this site. They are affiliated with Match, and will pull in your profile from Match for you to edit. But, you will not be deluged with hundreds of faces to wade through. Instead you get served 5 matches at a time, and some of the matches are at least on paper quite well matched. It’s like eHarmony, but with better thought out criteria. This dating site feels less superficial and more likely to yield a good match. It’s where I often send my single clients.

If you are single and trying to find a mate, you may want to give it a try.

Is fighting a problem in your relationship or marriage? Fighting is a very serious problem for many couples. The good news is that I am about to help you solve it permanently.

Read this article and then listen to me talk about how to fight fair by listening to a conversation I had with empowerment coach Kim Knight, at the bottom of this post.

First you have to understand that you should not fight at all, with anyone. I don’t mean you should not disagree with others or your significant other. Nor should you not feel passionate about your disagreements. But fighting describes a set of behaviors that are very destructive to a relationship and must be prevented at all costs.

Here’s what we do when we fight. We get angry and defensive. We get passionate and have trouble controlling our emotions, words and actions. People often exaggerate facts when fighting or they say things they don’t mean. None of this is productive in any relationships and especially in a romantic relationship. In fact, it is damaging. And it accomplishes nothing.

Instead, when you have disagreement with your significant other, follow the nine commandments of fighting fare:

The Nine Commandments of Fighting Fare:

1.    Both people have the right to have needs and wants and make requests of each other
2.    Even if one person’s needs, wants or request makes the other person uncomfortable or unhappy, it’s still ok to have these needs, wants and requests
3.    Both people have the right to be understood, to state their case, to be heard
4.    Both people have the right to express their opinion even if it is about each other
5.    Even if the conversation makes one of the people uncomfortable or anxious, it still needs to happen if the other person needs it to happen
6.    Both people matter
7.    The conversation needs to end in a compromise, where each person gets as much as possible of what he or she wants – both people need to work towards a win win
8.    If a partner brings up an issue it is already important, otherwise it would not be brought up. Dismissing, stonewalling, ignoring, minimizing and making promises that are not kept are disruptive to the relationship.
9.    Emotions such as anger, anxiety, impatience need to be kept in check, even if it means the couple needs to take a break to calm down and/or talk about the issue in short segments

If you approach “fighting” in this way, you will no longer have fights. Instead you will have a partnership with two people who come to each other with needs, wants and thoughts and are lovingly, openly received, supported, helped and honored by each other. That’s the kind of fighting that brings people closer rather than tearing them apart.

Both of you need to be at your best when you discuss issues so that you do not fight. It is important that intense conversations be timed when both people have the best possible chance to behave as a loving, supportive grownup.

This means that when issues come up, do not hold them in and gather them to the point where you are going to burst unless you have it out right now, but do choose the timing of difficult conversations carefully.

A note to men about fighting:
Men tend to see women’s emotions as manipulative and are often afraid of women’s anger. And if you are man out there who finds it difficult to deal with your wife’s or girlfriend’s anger, I would ask you to think about one thing. She’s not your mother.

When your mother was angry at you or was manipulating you with her emotions, that was a life and death sort of situation. What boy wants to loose his mother’s love? Your mother’s anger or disappointment could probably reduce you to tears when you were a little boy, because she was person #1 in your life.

On the other hand your wife or girlfriend may be the love of your life, but she did not give you life. She is your equal, not above you. She does not have the power your mother had over you. So let her be angry and learn to breathe and be with her anger and disappointment – it can not hurt you. If you can allow and honor her emotions and give her the right to have them she will see you as her hero.

Last tip to avoid fighting and have productive, loving discussions with your partner:

When your partner is talking, listen. If you start getting upset say to yourself “he is saying this and I am still ok” or “she doesn’t like something I am doing and I am still ok.” It’s a ways of bringing yourself down from upset so that you can listen and be in the conversation and make your relationship work.

For more relationship help get my two ecourses for couples:

Essential Communication Course for Couples: Get help improving communication in your relationship. Learn the rules of healthy communication, why you are communicating even when you’re not, and how to establish communication that makes your relationship thrive.
Increase Intimacy in Your Relationship: regain the closeness and love you once had and never loose it again. Learn about what kills intimacy, how to get it back and how to get your partner to want you more.

Think some people have all the luck in love and you’re not one of them? Head on over to my personal blog – RinattaParies.com- to read an article about a study and a book published by a leading PhD. in Phsychology about how to become lucky in love and life.

Divorce is hard, especially with kids involved. And no matter how mutual and even non-adversarial the divorce may have been, it still leaves emotional scars that are often carried forward into new relationships. But you can become baggage free after divorce, if you are willing to do the work.

Specifically, the work of becoming baggage free involves taking a hard, long look back at your marriage and then taking the lessons learned forward into your new life.

I am going to show you how you can leave the baggage behind, but take wisdom forward in 5 steps.

Step 1: Uncover what happened in your marriage or who did what?

Can you nail what actually happen to your marriage in a way that feels deeply authentic to you? Can you put responsibility where it is due? Oh, I know, most experts will tell you all relationships are 50/50 and it’s hard to tell who did what. But the reality is, if you don’t know what you did to contribute to the breakup of your marriage, or what your partner did, how will you prevent it from happening again?

For example, one client I worked with had to work hard on figuring out what happened to his marriage until he recognized that at a very stressful period in the marriage he refused to meet his wife’s needs. She turned into a witch as a result and this dynamic unraveled their marriage.

Perhaps your story is different, but what ever your story maybe, you need to get to the bottom of it to be free of it. So go ahead and write down what happened to your marriage, and what you and your spouse contributed to the breakdown.

Step 2: Make amends where needed

Given your assessment of what happened in your marriage, whom do you need to say you are sorry to and about what? If it’s feasible an apology should be made in person. A heart-felt apology can go a long way to healing the strain with your ex.

On the other hand, if the apology would make things more strained, write a letter of apology and keep it in your private documents. Perhaps one day there will be a time to deliver it, or perhaps not, but you will have released some of the guilt over your actions and that goes a long way to dropping your baggage.

Dig deep when it comes to apology. The more you own your part, the better you will feel.

Step 3: What do you need?

What would your ex have to say to you in order for you to have peace about the relationship with him or her? What words of apology or forgiveness would you need to hear?

How about writing yourself a letter from your ex saying those things? It’s not exactly the same as your ex doing it for you, but you will be surprised how healing this can be.

Our brains can often be fooled into thinking and acting as if they are experiencing something real, even when it’s simulated. Write the letter form your ex to you and as you read it, imagine that he or she sent it to you. Your brain might think that is actually what’s going on. Take in the apology and allow some heart healing. This will give you less baggage to take forward.

Step 4: Lessons learned

What did you learn about yourself and relationships from your divorce? Here are some questions to answer, best done in writing, to extract lessons learned:

•    What did you see but ignore about your marriage or even your pre-marital relationship with your ex at the very beginning?
•    What did you learn about men/women and what they need in a relationship?
•    What did you learn about yourself and what you need in a relationship?
•    What would you have done differently if you could go back?
•    What other questions can you ask yourself to extract lessons learned? Do it!

Step 5: Who do you need

Everyone is not compatible with everyone else. Liking someone’s look or body does not always signal compatibility. Both people being single parents or similar lifestyles does not necessarily means there’s compatibility in a way that matters long term.

Do you know who you need to be in a relationship with? The “need” I am talking about are relationship-specific needs such as communication style – do you talk things through or do you hold them in, or the need for closeness – wanting to be close all the time vs wanting lots of space and some closeness. Great relationships that work easily with the least amount of stress often happen between people who match each other on relationship-specific needs.

So do you know what you need in a relationship when it comes to intimacy, communication, team work, space, closeness? If not, it’s time to find out. Yes, you guessed it, more writing. Make a written list of what you need in a relationship. If you are not sure what traits are important or what traits fall into the relationship-specific category, you can get my ebook called Who Do You Need to help you flesh that information out.

Once you figure out who you need to be in a relationship with, go back and rate your ex partner to see where the incompatibilities between the two of you were. Chuck that up to lessons learned and learn from it. Incompatibility in relationship styles means the difference between happily ever after and divorce.

And now, if you did the steps I outlined above, you are pretty much baggage free. This means you can take your list of whom you need to be in a relationship with, go out and find that wonderful man or woman, when you are ready, and live your version of relationship bliss.

And if you need help working through these steps effectively – most people do – I will be glad to hold your hand and lead the way as your relationship coach. Drop me a line and let’s talk about how I can help you.

CNN published a great article yesterday in their living section. The article pretty much summarizes everything I tell my clients about why they end up in bad relationships and what to do about it.

In essence, people tend to attract partners who are very much like their parents, specifically the opposite sex parent. If your opposite sex parent was loving and supportive, if the relationship with that parent was wonderful, then you are very likely to attract wonderful relationship partner(s).

On the other hand, if your opposite gender parent was emotionally unavailable, or critical, controlling, etc, you are very likely to have a negative relationship pattern and attract partners who cause you grief and pain.

Here are the reasons the CNN article lists for why people tend to attract partners who are like their opposite gender parent and my explanation:

•    “Comfort in familiarity – that feeling of knowing someone your whole life”

People with traits similar to your opposite gender parent may feel familiar to you. You may not realize that this feeling of familiarity is not a good thing. It may feel comfortable, but it’s not a good kind of comfort in the end. It’s comfort in knowing that you will experience a very familiar kind of pain.

•    “Wanting to resolve the parental relationship in relationship/marriage”

Parents who are less then loving leave behind life-long wounds in their children. These wounds may be well hidden in all areas but love relationships. That childhood pain wants to be resolved, which is why people often choose for partners people who will reject them or hurt them the same way their parent did. The unconscious hope is to overcome the rejection and to MAKE this person love you, so that the childhood pain can be finally healed.

•    Working through family history in relationship/marriage

Similar to above, people will often attract partner who are like their parents in order to come to terms and learn to survive that kind of pain. It’s as if they are reliving their childhood, but this time they think they will overcome, heal and that will somehow set them free from the early-in-life pain.

Keep in mind that these three reasons are often subconscious. No one who has had less then stellar relationship with his or her opposite gender parent goes out and finds a partner like him or her on purpose.

Never the less, it would be safe to say that if your relationship with your opposite sex parent was less then great, you are nearly doomed to attract less than great relationship partners. At least that’s where the CNN article leaves it’s readers. The solutions for how to deal with this very real dilemma of attracting the wrong type of partner are, well, weak. They are: Don’t jump in, Don’t be afraid to disagree, Talk about life issues.

Let me tell you, you don’t need to know what to do when you once again attract the wrong partner. If you attract partners who cause you pain, what you need to do is learn to recognize your relationship pattern, learn to recognize potential partners who fall into that pattern, before you get into a relationship with them, and say no. And then you need to break your pattern, learn to attract a completely different partner and live happily ever after.

Let’s start here. I have created an ebook called PatternTracker to help you discover your relationship pattern. You can purchase the PatternTracker by clicking here. It’s only $15 and truly is an investment in you. If you diligently answer all the questions in the eBook, your relationship pattern will become obvious. Knowing what you keep repeating is the very first step to freedom from it.

Next, you need to know that even thought relationship patterns are natural and built in, breaking them, attracting partners who are not like your opposite gender parent is possible. How? It requires coaching, and the right kind of coaching.

I can’t exactly spell it out for you, because the process is somewhat different for each person. I am not trying to hide it, I wish I could lay it out to help you do it yourself. Breaking your relationship pattern is such deep and profound work, there’s pretty much no way to do it yourself effectively. But I can say that this is exactly the kind of work I do with clients in coaching – I fix their broken partner picker.

The process takes about six months of weekly coaching sessions and work between sessions on the client’s part. It’s definitely a time and financial investment. But in the process the clients gains the freedom from automatically attracting unhealthy partners and having bad relationships and starts to automatically attract loving, nurturing partnered. And that is priceless!

Please know that you very likely do have a relationship pattern, that it very likely has something to do with your childhood and parents and that you can figure out what it is, with help. And that you can change it and have the love you want, if you are willing to work on it.

Do you use a dating site? If so, do you pay for the site membership? A recent article on cnn about online dating suggests that most members on dating sites have free profiles, but do not pay for memberships, which means they have no way of knowing that they are being contacted by paid members.

I am curious how many of you use dating sites to browse profiles but do not pay for membership yourself. Let’s see if this is a major trend. Take the survey below to let me know what you do.

If you would like, provide more info in comments below.

Who knew that an important key to attracting a good mate or knowing what to do in early dating is staying calm? Well, maybe some people did, but it sure is not widely known.

Let me tell you what I mean, so that you can go make your dating situation better right now.

Do you tend to react to dating events in your life with a large upswing of emotions? Do you tend to get visibly upset, maybe even raise your voice, create fights, or have a hard time concentrating? Or do you get paralyzed into inaction and start to feel dull and shut down?

In other words, if you go out on a date, and the guy/gal does not turn out to be the one, do you experience a strong wave of frustration, anger, sadness – or numbness? Do you start to wonder if you are ever going to meet the one, or perhaps you are meant to be alone? Do you feel despondent?

If so, calm down already! What does that upswing of negative emotion get you, except upset and unhappy and afraid? It sure does not prepare you to get back out there, date more, and improve yourself, your profile, maybe even your looks. It sure does not get you more involved in the world. Strong wave of negative emotions makes you feel bad. And feeling bad makes it hard to take action.

So calm down. Sooth yourself. Talk yourself down. Have a cup of tea, maybe some chocolate – both have chemicals to help you get calm. Remind yourself it’s just one experience in a series of many. Your right partner is out there and there are many, many things you can do to improve your chance of meeting him or her faster.

Or let’s say you are in early stages of dating someone and something goes wrong. Perhaps you allowed the relationship to go too far too fast, or you have found out things about the other person you just can’t live with. You are upset. You don’t know what to do. And this may feel like your last chance at love.

Calm down already! You can’t think or problem solve when you are upset. No clear solution will occur to you and no clear path will be visible, until you are calm. And if you take action without being calm, the choices you make will probably backfire later. Perhaps in a small way, but maybe in big way.

So calm down. Sooth yourself. Talk yourself down. And take the time to think about what’s happening in your dating relationship. Was it indeed irrevocably damaged by too much too soon? Sometimes that’s true and if so, you will do best to pick yourself up and go back to dating other people. Or is there something you can do to pull back and restore balance? Often just spending a bit of time apart, giving each other space to breathe can restore the normal flow of an early relationship.

And what about that trait you see in your new partner that is a red flag for you? You are very likely right about it, but then again, maybe your judgment is being clouded by past relationships. Watch that trait, calmly, not taking what ever your new partner does or does not do, personally. Give it a little time, without trying to change him or her. If you stay calm, you will know what to do.

The key is to stay calm in order to allow yourself to think clearly and make good choices.

Upset-based choices are almost always designed to try to sooth you or make you feel better in the moment, rather than leading to your long term goals. But you don’t need to do anything with the upsetting situation to sooth yourself and calm down. Instead, just calm down already! Sooth yourself no matter what’s going on, then deal with the situation, using a clear head.

You can do it! And if you need help, come work with me as your relationship coach and I will teach you how to stay calm no matter what’s going on. You will be amazed at how good it feels and how effective it is to be able to stay calm and think clearly.