Love Coach Blog

If you are just tuning in, welcome to Love Coaching Social Experiment: watch me coach Jodi, a single, bright, beautiful, late-thirty-something lady, to help her attract the man of her dreams – reality-TV style, right in front of your eyes and ears.

Read full introduction to this social experiment, follow the links from there to the previous coaching sessions and then back to this post.

Today Jodi revealed a secret she has been hiding – she had an affair that damaged and ultimately broke up her marriage.

Is this the thing she is hiding from potential partners, the reason she hides out by dating unavailable men? I don’t know. Most people who have had affairs feel bad about them, but not badly enough to avoid closeness. Of course, the thing Jodi is hiding does not have to be some terrible secret – it could be just a thought, or a way she feels about herself. Whatever it is, be sure that I will help her find it and be free of it, so that she can allow love.

Here is some of what Jodi said in her latest post:

“…Mark and I planed on going out together. We made some elaborate plan to meet up and see what happens. Back at home, Pam was really edgy. I don’t think Mark’s plan was very elaborate. Pam’s edginess was making my ex edgy and I was edgy in my own deception. I think Mark was used to this kind of thing so he was nonchalant.

Mark and I ended up

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Coaching Session #5 of Love Coaching Social Experiment - watch me coach Jodi, a single, bright, beautiful, late-thirty-something lady, to help her attract the man of her dreams – reality TV-style, right in front of your eyes and ears.

Read the full introduction to this social experiment, follow the links to the previous coaching sessions and then come back to this post.

This week Jodi didn’t ask her usual questions. Instead, she and I have been going back and forth by email, working on some issues she has not felt comfortable disclosing on the blogs. I think these issues directly relate to why Jodi keeps herself closed off from others.

She has promised me that she will be blogging about some of these issues shortly, because both of us have noticed that working like this, in the public eye, helps her push herself to grow and get through this stuff.

Jodi is avoiding dipping into the quagmire of her emotions – and she is not the only one. Most people avoid looking deeply into themselves. We are afraid of what we will find inside. Jodi is not doing this on purpose, or to be difficult. This is how most of us are socialized.

When we experience strong feelings the people around us tend to discourage us from feeling our feelings. Instead, we are told that we either don’t feel the way we feel or that we have no reason to feel the way we feel. Instead of dipping into ourselves and gaining strength from self-knowledge, we are encouraged to shut down and seek things outside of ourselves to make us feel better.

I asked Jodi to look at what she is afraid people will find out about her if they get close to her.

Here is what Jodi said in reply:

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Coaching Session #4 of Love Coaching Social Experiment - watch me coach Jodi, a single, bright, beautiful, late-thirty-something lady to help her attract the man of her dreams – reality tv style, right in front of your eyes and ears.

Read full introduction to this social experiment, follow the links from there to previous coaching sessions and then back to this post.

Jodi and I have been actively coaching for about two weeks now. You can see the whole conversation by going back to my original post about Jodi and following the links to the conversation from there.

I am happy to report Jodi had a breakthrough this week.

Jodi realized that although the men she dates are unavailable, she is the one choosing them and for a reason. She does not want to be seen and does not want to be close to anyone, which is why the men she chooses have been perfect for her. They are too preoccupied with their own troubles/drama/issues to see her. Jodi realized that she, herself, is unavailable.

If you have been following her posts and my coaching to her, you would have seen this coming. It’s not that hard to see that a person who picks unavailable people is him- or herself unavailable, and getting something out of the experience.

However, if you are single and don’t want to be, and are choosing people who are not a good match for you, can you see by yourself how it’s you that’s choosing those people, for your own reasons? I bet not. It’s hard to see these dynamics in your own life.

I could have told Jodi that she was the one who was unavailable the first day we started coaching. In fact, I did tell her that in passing, but it did not make a difference. There is a big difference between hearing something, even understanding something, and then KNOWING it.

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Coaching Session #3 of Love Coaching Social Experiment - watch me coach Jodi, a single, bright, beautiful, late-thirty-something lady to help her attract the man of her dreams – reality tv style, right in front of your eyes and ears.

Every Friday night come back to this blog to read new instatement of Coaching Jodi – her new questions and inquires about her journey to attract a loving man for a wonderful, healthy relationship – and my coaching to help her.

Read full introduction to this social experiment, follow the links from there to previous coaching sessions and then back to this post.

This week Jodi has brought up a number of issues and questions that need answers and coaching from me.  They will also need further exploration from her. Here is what I will be addressing today:

~ On the point of many women tending to date unavailable men, Jodi said:
“I wonder if it is our compassionate nature or if we are fixerupper specialists?  If so, I would like some recognition please.  A degree maybe?! LOL”

~ Coaching from Love Coach Rinatta Paries:

Why do people get into patterns of dating other unavailable people, when what they really want is love. Here are the reasons:

1. Fear – of what is personal to you, but always there is fear. Fear of what?
2. You do it because it works for you. It may not be what you say you want, but if you keep doing it, it’s working for you. How is it working for you?
3. You are using the unavailable people as they are using you. What are you using them for?

I know it’s more attractive to think that it’s your compassionate nature, but in fact the nature of human being is always to take care of our needs first, always. Even Mother Theresa was selfish ( I know I am going to get flack for this). I bet serving others deeply fulfilled her, so she served others to take care of her own needs.

People don’t date unavailable people because they are compassionate. They date unavailable people because it helps them to take care of their needs. How has it helped you to take care of your needs?

~ Later I asked Jodi why she was dating unavailable men, really. She said she was in a hurry to get into a comfort zone with men, and the ones she was dating were willing to go there with her in a hurry (even though they ended up being unavailable).

~ My Coaching to Jodi:

Jodi, I don’t get this. Tell me more. What actually happens with these guys and you? Is it something like you go out with them and immediately the two of you are in a relationship and that’s what you are calling the comfort zone?

Read Jodi’s reply on her blog and then follow the link there to get back to this post.

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