Love Coach Blog

Coaching Session #4 of Love Coaching Social Experiment - watch me coach Jodi, a single, bright, beautiful, late-thirty-something lady to help her attract the man of her dreams – reality tv style, right in front of your eyes and ears.

Read full introduction to this social experiment, follow the links from there to previous coaching sessions and then back to this post.

Jodi and I have been actively coaching for about two weeks now. You can see the whole conversation by going back to my original post about Jodi and following the links to the conversation from there.

I am happy to report Jodi had a breakthrough this week.

Jodi realized that although the men she dates are unavailable, she is the one choosing them and for a reason. She does not want to be seen and does not want to be close to anyone, which is why the men she chooses have been perfect for her. They are too preoccupied with their own troubles/drama/issues to see her. Jodi realized that she, herself, is unavailable.

If you have been following her posts and my coaching to her, you would have seen this coming. It’s not that hard to see that a person who picks unavailable people is him- or herself unavailable, and getting something out of the experience.

However, if you are single and don’t want to be, and are choosing people who are not a good match for you, can you see by yourself how it’s you that’s choosing those people, for your own reasons? I bet not. It’s hard to see these dynamics in your own life.

I could have told Jodi that she was the one who was unavailable the first day we started coaching. In fact, I did tell her that in passing, but it did not make a difference. There is a big difference between hearing something, even understanding something, and then KNOWING it.

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Coaching Session #3 of Love Coaching Social Experiment - watch me coach Jodi, a single, bright, beautiful, late-thirty-something lady to help her attract the man of her dreams – reality tv style, right in front of your eyes and ears.

Every Friday night come back to this blog to read new instatement of Coaching Jodi – her new questions and inquires about her journey to attract a loving man for a wonderful, healthy relationship – and my coaching to help her.

Read full introduction to this social experiment, follow the links from there to previous coaching sessions and then back to this post.

This week Jodi has brought up a number of issues and questions that need answers and coaching from me.  They will also need further exploration from her. Here is what I will be addressing today:

~ On the point of many women tending to date unavailable men, Jodi said:
“I wonder if it is our compassionate nature or if we are fixerupper specialists?  If so, I would like some recognition please.  A degree maybe?! LOL”

~ Coaching from Love Coach Rinatta Paries:

Why do people get into patterns of dating other unavailable people, when what they really want is love. Here are the reasons:

1. Fear – of what is personal to you, but always there is fear. Fear of what?
2. You do it because it works for you. It may not be what you say you want, but if you keep doing it, it’s working for you. How is it working for you?
3. You are using the unavailable people as they are using you. What are you using them for?

I know it’s more attractive to think that it’s your compassionate nature, but in fact the nature of human being is always to take care of our needs first, always. Even Mother Theresa was selfish ( I know I am going to get flack for this). I bet serving others deeply fulfilled her, so she served others to take care of her own needs.

People don’t date unavailable people because they are compassionate. They date unavailable people because it helps them to take care of their needs. How has it helped you to take care of your needs?

~ Later I asked Jodi why she was dating unavailable men, really. She said she was in a hurry to get into a comfort zone with men, and the ones she was dating were willing to go there with her in a hurry (even though they ended up being unavailable).

~ My Coaching to Jodi:

Jodi, I don’t get this. Tell me more. What actually happens with these guys and you? Is it something like you go out with them and immediately the two of you are in a relationship and that’s what you are calling the comfort zone?

Read Jodi’s reply on her blog and then follow the link there to get back to this post.

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Love Coaching Social Experiment - watch me coach Jodi, a single, bright, beautiful, late-thirty-something lady to help her attract the man of her dreams – reality tv style, right in front of your eyes and ears.

Read full introduction to this social experiment, follow the links from there to previous coaching sessions and then back to this post.

One interesting point that Jodi brought up is this: she thinks that I already have her answer and am asking her questions as an exercise. As if I am just holding back her answers so she discovers them for herself.

But here is the interesting thing about self-discovery, growth and coaching. Yes, I do sometimes know what the answers are. But sometimes I don’t. What I do know is the questions to ask to elicit growth in the client answers, which can be very powerful for the person being coached.

For example, what Jodi discovered in the last round of questions and answers is that she is in a hurry and that is one of her main reasons for dating the newly divorced, unavailable men. This does not yet make sense to me, so you know I am going to ask her more questions, because I want to deeply understand her so that I can help her. And I want her to deeply understand herself so that she can have a choice in her actions.

The main point is: Jodi may be looking for an answer as to how attract the love of her life. The answer is easy: stop attracting unavailable men and start attracting available ones. But the answer does not help at all.

What will help is having a choice about her actions. Right now she dates unavailable men and seemingly can’t attract anyone else – i.e. has no choice. Through questions, answers, self-discovery, and other tools we will use as we continue to work together, she will gain choice. She really will, as have many hundreds of my clients before her. Then she will begin to attract the kind of men she really wants, the kind who will be able to love her the way she wants to be loved.

Update: see what Jodi and I talk about in our third coaching sesion

Conversation Continues in our Love Coaching Social Experiment - watch me coach Jodi, a single, bright, beautiful, late-thirty-something lady to help her attract the man of her dreams – reality tv style, right in front of your eyes and ears.

Read full introduction to this social experiment, follow the links from there to previous coaching sessions and then back to this post.

Jodi and I have been going back and forth this week by email and by blogs, talking about why she attracts and more importantly, dates, unavailable men. Here is our conversation – her questions, comments and my coaching to her.

In reply to my coaching to her Jodi says:

No, I have never been able to fix anyone or beat the odds.

Funny! When I think about beating the odds, I think about gambling. When I think about it, I realized that I am not interested in playing the lottery, betting on horse races or visiting the casino. In my quest for new adventures, I have tried these forms of entertainment but each time, I would get disillusioned because I lose my allotted amount of money and figure I can find much better ways to spend it besides giving it to someone else so they can become richer, even if it just for entertainment.

If I put this into a different perspective, I can see that I am betting against the odds in the dating world today. I am allowing my resources to be depleted by guys who have nothing banked because they are emotionally depleted. Even though they have potential to win, the odds are against it. How come I can accept these cards as the hand I was dealt? Why do I feel the need to play the hand that was given to me to see if I can bluff my way through it in order to win the love I so desire? For someone who likes and appreciates what others have to offer, at this point in time I sure am terrified to get dealt another losing hand.

Love Coach Rinatta Paries says:

Good self-observations! There is something underneath all this, and that’s what you need to get at. You are not a gambler, yet you gamble on men knowing you have loosing odds. You want love yet you choose men who can’t give it to you. Why? What’s the point? Each one of us has internal logic that easily explains why we do things. The logic may not make sense to anyone else, may not be applicable to anyone else, but it makes sense internally to us. So, your behavior makes sense internally to you, but why? What is really the purpose of dating men you can’t have? Are you protecting yourself from something or avoiding something by it?"

 
Jodi resisted replying to my questions. Actually she ignored this comment from me altogether, hoping it would go away. Little does she know that I remember everything about my clients, from minute details about their lives to every question I ask them that goes unanswered J However, I am not a scary coach nazi. I just care about Jodi and I know what she wants for herself, and letting her ignore important questions is not good for her. 

 Update: take a look at Jodi’s reply to this coaching