How to Cope in a Love Triangle – Help for the “Other” Man or Woman
Disclaimer: The following article is for the “other” person in an affair or a love triangle. Before I get a slew of angry email asking me how I can condone affairs, let me just say that affairs and love triangles happen. Being a coach I do not judge people but try to help them. Given that love triangles and affairs happen, the people in these situations need help and support, just like people in any other complicated relationship situation. This article does just that - it offers help and support to the people who need it.
To be in love with someone who is in a primary relationship or marriage with someone else can be the most excruciating and at the same time the most seemingly beautiful experience of your life.
The experience is excruciating because it is hard to stop or change it. It ensnarls you in a situation that you may not be able to get out for a long time, one you may in fact not want to get out of. Your inability to make the situation into exactly what you want makes you suffer.
The experience is beautiful because the person that you are having the relationship with seems like your perfect, ideal partner — your soulmate. There is a very special connection between the two of you. The attention from your loved one and the way he or she feels about you is deeply satisfying. The bond between the two of you seems magical.
In spite of the beauty and the connection in the relationship, you suffer tremendously. It’s as if you are on a roller coaster ride, up one moment and more in love then you have ever been, down the next and in more despair then you have ever felt.
Below you will discover the reasons you are suffering in your relationship and coping strategies to ease your suffering.
#1 Reason for your suffering – you think your loved one is “the one”
At times you want to leave the situation, but you don’t feel you can - you feel your loved one is “the one”, the intended one for you. Not being able to be together with your “the one” all of the time causes you pain. But when you try to leave, you feel agony. The pain of having a part-time relationship is great, the pain of leaving is even greater. The pain you feel when thinking of leaving or trying to leave reaffirms to you that your loved on is in fact “the one”.
Coping strategy to consider: What if this person you are in love with is not “the one”, not your soulmate? What if this relationship is only a step — a big, significant step – but not “the one”? What if you are not trapped in the situation, waiting for your intended one to extricate him- or herself from someone who is not “the one”?
In fact you are not trapped. You feel trapped because you feel the person you are with is “the one”, and that you cannot let him or her go.
How do you know if he or she is “the one”? The pain of trying to leave is not a reliable way to tell. That pain can be attributed to other reasons, such as your deep fear of being alone - which most people have - or how much of your needs are getting met in the relationship and how much you don’t want to let that go.
You will only know looking back if your loved one was “the one” for you. Most people with love triangles in their past say their loved one turned out to not be their soulmate. When the suffering gets to be too much, start to wonder if in fact your loved one is your “intended one.”
#2 Reason for your suffering – you think there won’t be another love after this relationship
You are suffering because this love feels like your only chance at the kind of love that everyone dreams about. Even more, it’s hard to imagine being in a relationship and being satisfied with anyone else.
And so you are trapped.
All of your needs are not getting met in your relationship, yet all the while you are not free, nor do you want to be free, to get them met elsewhere. In fact, you don’t think there could be or will be anyone else to meet your needs in such a way again, to love you this well.
Coping strategy to consider: What if there can be love even deeper than your feelings now, a love where you share ordinary moments with a special person, instead of only special moments stolen in secret?
Start to wonder if the whole package of your needs could be met in another relationship. People do find happy, fulfilling, loving primary relationships.
When the suffering about being alone yet again, at night or on holidays, gets going, focus on the fact that in the future you will have a loving relationship where your needs will be met.
If you need to, say to yourself a thousand times that you will be happy, your heart will be happy and all of your needs will be met. You just don’t know by whom yet.
#3 Reason for your suffering – you stifle your anger
Another reason you may be suffering is that you feel anger at your loved one, yet try to stuff that anger inside or pretend you don’t feel it.
You may feel angry at your loved one for staying in his or her primary relationship while being in a relationship with you. You may feel angry at your loved one for making promises that are not being kept, or because you have to spend weekends, holidays and most nights alone, even though you are in a relationship and in love.
Coping strategy to consider: You have every right to feel angry, so go ahead and feel the anger.
This does not mean you need to be mean and belligerent to anyone, including yourself. But it does mean you need to acknowledge your feelings to yourself and to your loved one and it does mean that you need to be authentic about your feelings.
This could mean that sometimes you choose not be with your loved one because you are too angry with him or her for the situation. At times you may need to cry, write in your journal, or hit something safe to get your feelings out.
Support Group For You: If you are the “other” person in an affair or love triangle situation, please head on over to a safe and supportive new group I have created just for you - How To Cope in a Love Triangle - Help for the “Other” Man or Woman. The group is private, supportive and comforting and will help you get coaching and connection with peers in the same situation, struggling with the same issues as yourself. Go join the group now.
From the Heart,
Love Coach Rinatta
From the Heart,
on November 17, 2005 @ 7:43 pm
I am in a relationship with an older man that I do love very much as a matter of fact I am in a relationship with two married men and one knows about the other. The younger one is 38yrs old. I am 25yrs old and the older one is 48yrs old. I love both of them and I learned that you will learn from each one of your partners. The one that is 48yrs old I love him so much He is there for me he makes me feel good but at the same time he can make me feel sad. The younger one who is 38 yrs.old I love him too. It’s just that I am confused in a way but then agin I’m not because they both have there chapters in my book. I love them both sooo much and they are there for me. The only event that I am not happy with is that they go home after me if we are not planing a trip away. Then I began to feel lonely, scared and abanded. It hurts I cry some times aswell and then I think to my self Am I’m going to hell? for this I try to let go but they won’t leave me they love me and I love them at times I think about there wives and that’s when I cry.
on December 21, 2005 @ 1:59 pm
You are not the only that feels pain when they leave. They feel it all the way home! They hate not being free and being able to be there 24/7 for you. They have thier own hurt and their own tears. Beleive me, I have the same pain.
on December 22, 2005 @ 10:09 am
I’m a female in a love triangle. I’ve been in this going on two years. After being married for 10 years I met somone else at a work outing. A couple of months later, I decided to end my 10 year marriage, i asked my husband to leave. I struggled w/ my emotions for a year and a half. I couldn’t let go of my husband because it meant breaking my family but I couldn’t let go of this other man because I love him. I would sabatoge our relationship just so that I can have an excuse to go back to my husband… I did this constantly… My husband was hurting, this other man was hurting and so was I; we were all in much pain. I went back to my husband and try to work it out for about 3 months, still me struggling w/ my emotions for this other person… and again my husband is out of my house and again i’m dealing w/ my emotions and the uncertainty of doing what’s right… It’s hard, it’s really hard all around. I can’t believe i’m stuck in such situation after a 10 year marriage. I’m hurting my husband dearly because he is so much in love w/ me. I’m hurting this other person because he loves me too and is always scared i’m going to walk out. I’m hurting because i want a normal life back.
on January 30, 2006 @ 2:00 pm
it is extremely difficult to be the “other” person, though my girlfriends’ long-term boyfriend lives out of town, it does not make things easier, i am constantly insecure and in constant need of affirmation, always hoping that she will find the courage to break it off with him or worried that she will change her mind about me, she’s torn, she’s had her life planned out with this boyfriend and one day she meets me and now she has no idea what to do, follow the path that she had planned or go on another path she does not know of, i want out but at the same time i don’t, it’s hard trying to get yourself out of it, especially if you feel that this person is the “one”, i’m scared to leave cause it hurts to think that she may be the “one” but it also hurts to stay
on February 14, 2006 @ 2:12 pm
I am a 30 yr old femeale who’ve been divorced twice. I love a married mariied man ten years my senior who is separated from his wife, but it’s not a legal separation. I want out of the situation only if he’s going back to be with her. She and I have met and she says that as long as they are legally married that she is not letting him go eventhough they do not live together. This just sounds like too much drama for my lifestlye. I’d rather put my energy, time, and love to other things rather than debating over a man who seems not to know what he wants for himself. On the other hand, I don’t want to give up on him. I am sure of what I want, but would like to know what are his desires and to be able to see what actions he takes to prove what things he says.
on February 16, 2006 @ 8:09 pm
My best friend for the past 4 years is the sweetest, kindest, bestest person I have ever known. He revealed that he is in love with me recently. We talked it through and I expressed that the feelings were not mutual, but that I treasure him as a friend and hope we would not lose our friendship over this. What makes this situation harder is that I have a huge attraction to his best friend. I feel as if he is the “one.” And as much as we would both like things to work our for the both of us, we both love our mutual best freind and do not want to hurt him. Even if we waited for time to pass and wounds to heal, we still feel that it would hurt him. I wish there was a solution because we both don’t want to lose eachother.
on March 1, 2006 @ 6:03 am
i have just broke off with my boyfriend of which i thought was the one.. he told me that his love for me is deepened every day when we are together, that i am a wonderful and brilliant,that he can share so many things together with me..compare with her.. but he have to stop it because the more he feel the more he feel guilty towards her…he said that it is not the end but if in the future , if he is free and available and there are ‘happy accident’ that we ll met each other, he will be more than willing to let it another go..i feel so hurt but as i know that he do feel the same as i do, that he love me too is enough at the time being i guess. of course i feel hurt but i love him to much to let him go and let him be happy. maybe this is the best for us..its good though to know that i m not alone in this. its difficult to tell other because they maybe doesnt understand how hurtful to be the ‘third party’, the one who disturb and unwelcome…but my feeling is as genuine as anybody else, and its still hurt to be dumped for the other girl!
on March 17, 2006 @ 8:02 am
I too am in love with a married man, he makes me feel beautiful and sexy. Sometimes i think it is selfish because he has three kids and i have to think about them , but I want ot be happy too. he is just perfect for me but i will never have him because he says he could never leave his wife because of the kids.
on March 18, 2006 @ 9:41 pm
Well I swore to myself that I would not have sex until I am married. Ten years I have been celibate, until one day a man from my past resurfaced. The old loving feelings came over me like a tidal wave. At that time he wasn’t married, I should’ve snagged him then. I didn’t because I knew there was another woman. A year and a half later he married that woman. Then about 4 months ago he started looking at me again. He felt he made a mistake marrying this woman, something was missing. They have kids together, it’s hard for him to leave his kids. One thing led to another and now I am in love. The hardest thing is to see him leave for home. It’s a constant battle between my heart and mind. I tried backing up but I felt as if someone that I was very close to died. The pain sometimes is unbearable. I want to break it off and find a man that is free and available. It’s hard to let go because you just don’t know, maybe it’ll work out. Then again he may not feel the same way I do. I want to talk to him but it’s like he knows what I’m thinking and avoids the subject. I just don’t know how to initiate “the talk” to get him to tell me his true feelings.
on March 20, 2006 @ 11:37 am
I too am in love with a married man. He has 1 little boy. I know he is my soulmate, and that he truly loves me. The problem is he is finding it hard to leave his wife as she has sworn he will never see his son again if he leaves her for me. He also says nothing is written in stone. So for now I’ll keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best.
on March 28, 2006 @ 9:12 am
A brief update from March 18th post.
“The talk” was initiated. I found out what’s going on and it was not as painful as I thought it would be. True feelings were revealed on both sides. As odd as it may sound, he has never experienced this before, having feelings for two people. The way he sees it is that we have a “special friendship”. And he is not going to hold me back from seeking out a mate. So all in all it turned out pretty good. I’m just a little sad it couldn’t be more than that. The above post is what the deal is mainly with married men and their kids. They will not leave their kids even if they are in a messed up situation with their wives. They are stuck, and they’re not going anywhere. So it’s best to move on to someone who is available and free, and keep your options open. Maybe this man is just practice to what lies ahead. I just answered it for me as well. Good luck everybody
on April 5, 2006 @ 4:29 am
I too am in love with a married man, devoted to his children. This has been going on for over a year, and man has it been tough. Not wanting to hurt his children and have them hate him for the rest of his life, we keep our relationship secret. There are no public displays of affection, no evidence to show that there’s something going on with someone other than their mother. He says he loves her as a friend and that’s it. He says the things he does with her, he does for his kids. As I sit here and confess this mess, he is in Florida on vacation with his kids and her. It makes me feel like a fool. But I keep hanging in there for the hope that one day, my ship will come in. I listen to the voices deep down inside and they say “Stick it Out” but they also say “You gotta let this go”. It’s a messed up situation, one that sometimes I don’t know where to turn. I talk to no one about it because I don’t want to hear the advice that they want to give. The typical “leave him, you’re better off”. I know the advice I would recieve is right on, but I love this man and I’m not ready to let him go. I am usually a pretty stronge willed individual who doesn’t take crap from anyone. But this is my weakness and I take the crap everyday. I ask myself and I’m sure he does too, is it all or will it all be worth it in the end?? It’s hard to have control over a situation that you’re powerless to, especially when there are emotions involved.
on April 7, 2006 @ 12:29 am
I love a married man.
I am so in love with a married man he has three children. His wife has found out about me, through text messages and phone calls etc. She of course hates me and calls me a slut and says she will fight for him and not let him go. She says his children are fearful that he will leave. I find i cant live with the guilt of hurting his children. We have met online and live in different cities. I have never know so much love as the love I feel for him but I feel I am consumed with guilt because when he leaves his wife and children it will be because of me.
I have noone I can talk to about this.
on April 8, 2006 @ 9:51 am
I am also in love with a married man tied to his wife because of his daughter. I am married as well with three children who would leave in an instant if he asked me to. It’s very hard for me to see him because his wife doesn’t give him much freedom and he doesn’t want her to get suspicious if he starts acting differently which I guess I undersand but I don’t want to. I know he is my soul mate and the love of my life and he feels the same way. He does say that when his daughter is older he will leave his wife and be with me….but how does one wait years like that??? My therapist says it is possible I just need to be strong and that all good things come to those who wait but it’s so hard not to be with him and the once or twice a week I get to spend time with him is just not enough. It’s almost like I can’t breathe without him. I love him like I’ve never loved another man. I just don’t know what to do….I know he can’t leave because of his love for his child but I still want him to….and I hope and pray as time goes on he will leave and be with me forever.
on April 9, 2006 @ 9:56 am
I am a married woman in love with a married man a thousand miles away. We were best friends in junior high school and high school. We dated in high school. We lost track of each other for 20+ years. He found me through Classmates.com, in February of 2005. We began chatting thru e-mails and IM’s. We exchanged phone numbers and began speaking about once a month. From October of 2005 until January of 2006, we spoke every day, several times a day. Then in February of 2006 we met out of state and began the intimate aspect of our relationship. We both cried when we had to part in February. He said that we both married the wrong people and if he had found me just a few months before he did that he would not be married to his current wife. This is his third marriage and my first. He said that the reason his marriages did not work out was that he was always in love with me. I have been in love with him since I was 15 years old. He has traveled to see me and I have been to see him. Whenever we speak he always mentions leaving her and wants to know if I will leave my husband. I want to leave but my husband is terminally ill. We have been married since I was 21, I am 43 now. Every day away from this man is a day that I feel lost and unable to breathe. I am angry with myself for not leaving and I am angry with him for not leaving too. I guess I will just have wait until things sort themselves out.His wife knows that something is going on, she just doesn’t know with who or when. My husband can tell there is something different in our marriage. Neither he nor I are intimate with our spouses anymore. Just needed to get this off my chest. Any comments would be appreciated. Thanks, Kris
on April 19, 2006 @ 11:00 pm
Dear Mrs. Paris,
I guess i need help, ‘I am the other man’, I live presently in Kuwait and for the last 2 years i met an amazing angel, that blew me apart, we were more then i love u you love me we were in love, we were connected in somehow love from first sight, she is in a relation (long distance relation for the last 4 years) and in some how she is trying to put a stop to her first relation) suddenly for the last 3 weeks she is lost changed…etc and after an amzing 2 years together she is willing to end our relation, as she said she is teared between 2 persons, one (me) who she loves and her boyfriend who she doesnt know?? we had a long talk and i guess her mind is set is made for something I DONT KNOW (her answer) we had promises we had it all, I realy need help, advises, what to do?? he is not the right for her (as she said) he abuses her and plus her parents does not like him at all, pleeeeeeeeeease help!!!! jack
on May 9, 2006 @ 7:45 am
i got into a relationship with a married man who left his wife for me. my advice to everyone who thinks this man or woman loves them for eternity it is crap. i am now heartbroken because you guessed it he is cheating with someone else. i have suspected almost immediatly the lying all the time what made me think someone who cheats on one could ever be faithful to another. so save face and end it with these losers!
on May 9, 2006 @ 12:25 pm
I’m female, married 14 years. There have been problems in the last few years (irresponsible spending, unemployment, then workaholism) but I’ve stayed with my husband. Three months ago, I fell in love with someone I connected with - HUGE sparks flew between us from the first minute. He’s a strong but difficult personality, a recently retired military man. I know he loves me but he will not admit it. Yet he wants my company all the time, and sex isn’t his primary desire. His relationship track record is well known to me (married for five years which produced a son and ended in 1995, lots of short relationships since). He wants me to get divorced, yet he won’t promise me a future (and given his history, that’s smart). All the warning lights are on, yet I can’t tear myself from him. My husband is a good and decent man, and he loves me down to his bones. But I don’t feel the same way anymore about him. I could stay in a comfortable but lackluster marriage, or take a step off the cliff. I might end up alone, but maybe that’s OK. Would a few months or years with this man be worth it??
on May 9, 2006 @ 7:39 pm
i just wanted to respond to the woman who does not love her husband as he does her. there are many phases of love and will not always be as romantic as we believe it should be. but to go out on s limb for a maybe seems pretty risky to me. we were never promised a rosegarden. so stop complaining about the thorns. if your husband will do anything for you short of letting you use or abuse him then sweetie he is worth his weight in gold. so really give it some hsrd thought because someone else would lovt to have him. so good luck and may God bless you and yours.
on May 11, 2006 @ 2:36 pm
I left my husband after 18 years of marriage because I was so desperatly unhappy. I could not talk to anyone in a civil tone. After I left him I met someone who made me feel alive again. I haven’t felt that way in 10 years. He is married and getting a divorce. The problem is it has been almost 6months since my seperation started and I feel so confused. I want my family whole again. I want my husband to be happy without me. Then there is this other man who is older than me and sometimes I just don’t feel sure he is right one for me. He went way too fast from day 1 now he is talking houses he was talking marriage at 2mths. I am so confused.
on May 13, 2006 @ 3:42 pm
Dear Swan
many have take the path you are about to take only to have their life torn apart and their heart badly broken. If the man you are infatuated with will promise you nothing, he will give you nothing. He is telling you as much by promising nothing. On the other hand, the problems in your marriage can be overcome and you can still recapture the love and passion the two of you once shared. I think that is a smarter path for you, one that will give you more love and happiness over a longer period of time.
If you want help reigniting your marriage, I can certainly help you do that.
Be well. Love Coach Rinatta Paries
on June 2, 2006 @ 9:35 am
To Helen:
I agree with you.
And to all who are involved with a married man, especially anonymous-I feel you- Get the hell out! Before you really hurt yourself, and the chance for real love from a real man.
I know it’s hard and you get frustrated and angry even at yourself but you gotta get out. The emotional thing is devastating but you’ll heal-I promise.
I broke up with that guy I was with-and it was so awful I cried for days and nights- but I’m getting over it, slowly, but I’m getting over it.
Nothing is going to change, there is/was that false hope that something was going to change but it NEVER did.
Oh man, it’s hard I know.
I REALLY learned what kind of man he REALLY is after the breakup and I AM so glad he’s gone and if he left his wife for me I know it wouldn’t last. Because that fear (face it ladies and guys)of him cheating on me will always be there. And what kind of relationship is that- no trust?
I hope you all can find the strength and courage to walk away.
I’ll be praying for you all.
on June 8, 2006 @ 8:14 am
I have been together with my BF for almost a year now. And my boyfriend has a bestfriend of whom we always hang out together, spend time together, etc. I have to honestly admit that ever since I first saw him, there was an attraction, but I kept it only in my heart. Things have been rough with my boyfriend for the past few months.. a lot of fights, crying, etc. We are just so much of two very different people with different principles on life. During the times, I talked to my bf’s best friend a lot. He’s always been the one who consoles me, gives me good advice and listen to all my crap.
Until suddenly we both came to a point when we confessed that we have feelings for each other. We both know that it is very wrong. But for all I know we really are the same kind of people.. it’s just so easy to imagine me being with him. The connection is very strong, it’s just felt honestly like it was meant to be. It’s probably a little too soon to say he’s my soulmate and I’m more considerate than that, but yeah. I feel like it’s meant to be.
We both feel guilty about it so much. We wanna be with each other very bad, but know we can’t. The other thing that makes it hard is that the fact that my bf’s bestfriend is going to leave this city within 2 months. But we feel this strong connection, that we will work things out fine if we are together.
I also have to honestly say that I’m afraid of losing my boyfriend. Afraid of losing the feeling of settling down that we already have (we have been living together). Afraid of losing the feeling of security that he provides. But I have never been sure about my feelings toward my boyfriend. Not sure if it’s love, or it’s just a thirst for security. But I’m sure that with the other guy it’s love.
Any comment back will be highly appreciated. Thank you so much..
on June 17, 2006 @ 4:45 pm
I have been involved with married men when I was in my 20’s and one broke my heart to death. I got married and my husband had another - you don’t understand the magnitude of what you’re doing and thinking when you’re the ‘other’ - it’s all fun and games but the wife or steady girlfriend, there’s no greater sorrow and while I can’t condemn, I certainly can hope to save the heart of any other … DO NOT GET INVOLVED OR IF YOU ARE, GET OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP THAT ALREADY IS ESTABLISHED - he/she will NOT leave them for you, no matter how many times they tell you and with how many kisses to follow - you are killing your self esteem every time you stoop to that losers level [the married individual that actually has you on the side] good luck all
on June 17, 2006 @ 4:53 pm
TO ALL OF YOU THAT ARE IN ADULTEROUS AFFAIRS:
isn’t it funny that out of all the people you found to date the married one is always the one we mysteriously fall in love with? of course they will do everything perfect while with you, they’ll sell you the moon if they have to, you are the most beautiful and amazing person they have ever met .. blah..blah..blah… well, just a quick thought: they are cheating on their spouse. period. that doesn’t say much about them and yet you think that you can’t live another die without this same character deficient person? enjoy, except realize that you [guaranteed] will be cheated on too and if that’s what you will risk to be with someone that has made a vow to God and has started a family, so be it, just don’t cry about it here because you will not get any sympathy!
on June 18, 2006 @ 10:29 am
after 16 years of marriage and a school-age child, I found a married man that I connect with emotionally. In a short time he became my friend, unlike my husband. My husband has NEVER been my friend. My married man also has a school age child. His wife discovered our relationship, almost immediately. I am now in the process of divorce, because I know I cannot live with a man that is not my friend. Regardless, I will always want to be with the married man, but will accept that he may not have the strength to do what I am doing. My heart is broken, not in half, but 3 ways. None of us know what the future holds, and we cannot manipulate all of it.
Your children know when things are bad. They will be fine, if you love THEM and care for them, along with yourself. Do not beat yourself up, because that leaves less of you for your children. Be strong for them and model the real things you want for them, not the fairy tales.
on June 19, 2006 @ 10:09 am
iam a 30 year old female who is involved with a married man everyday iam praying for god to give me the strength to leave him alone ive been lied to from the very beginning this guy seems so perfect he is romantic charming every time i try to break it off hell break down and like a fool i let him back in only to feel the same pain of lonliness and anger of being lied to and use to fillthe void that is missing in his marriage he has a son with wife who he claims is to rude. all i know is i want out every day we having sex and he would get up and leave to go home at ten oclock faithfully it would cut my heart in two and i would feel like a fool i tied not to be mean in any way to him because i didnt want to hurt him but he was hurting me every day by showing me how much he was afraid of losing his family i wasnt even worthy of him spending a night at my house or even leaving after ten i am so angry and so hurt ive never dealt with a married man before it is vey painful i would give anyone the advise of maintaing a relationship that is based on deception. i want out but the pain is so bad. i know its wrong if it would have to be a secret. but with prayer and courage i will be completly free.
on June 19, 2006 @ 12:56 pm
I don’t believe there’s no greater joy AND sorrow then being involved with a married man. You know you have to leave, you just can’t and when you don’t you feel like a fool but if you go, you experience the worst kind of lonliness ever. Can someone actually provide steps to healing your heart from such? not the practical answers that we all know, but someone who has been there and loved again afterwards because I really don’t think there is a single man capable of loving the way a married man does
on June 19, 2006 @ 2:08 pm
I am in love with a married man. He has been married for 10 years and we have only been together for 6months. He does not have any children. We met through work. We have a job that takes us on the road for 10-15 days a month. We live in two different towns and only see each other when we are on the road. But when we are there we are together non stop. We also talk everyday vial texts, phone calls and emails. We have told each other we love one another but he said he won’t leave if wife.
I am lost. I love him but I hurt so much and I don’t know what to do. We have made our relationship public at work and I don’t know what peopel say but it gave me hope that he was willing to do that. I am afraid to leave but I can’t live this life. But we share everything and I have not held back and now I am just lost in fear and love.
on July 19, 2006 @ 1:10 am
i am 20 years old and im in a relationship with a married man. He is 28 years old and has 2 children. He has been with his wife since high school and has never so much as thought of cheating on her in the 16 years they have been together. Until me that is, and its almost shocking how much he loves me. The problem is that my family and his family are friends and if our secret ever came out it would pretty much distroy everyone. Esspecially my dad, my uncles, and all the mutual friends that we have. It is so hard to stop loving him, we have been crazy about each other for about 2 years now and about 6 months ago we finally gave in. He says he’ll never leave his wife, that his life is perfect and how he cant lose it. But then cant stop calling me or wanting to see me, he’s the one that actually waits for me, and he says he loves me. Im so confused and the pain of never having him fully is so hard, i know im young and should just move on but everytime i try, i just cant! He’s all i ever think about, and i cry alot just of the thought of what im doing.
on August 1, 2006 @ 10:21 pm
Wow, I don’t know what else to say after reading all these posts. It’s comforting to know so many other people know this pain. Let’s not forget the pain that the married man goes through tho. I see a lot of posts knocking the character of a man who is married and stepping out. However, there ARE instances where it’s the man who is being treated wrong at home by his wife, and really IS in love with the “other woman”. Sometimes he’s really trying to make a decision about his life, his wife, you…the future, ect. I’ll tell you what I think I’ve finally learned after almost 9months of being involved in my situation. I think that the fear will win out over any love he feels for me. I believe in him, I believe he loves me, and I know his pain is as great as mine. But just today…I think I realized that I have to let him go. Reading all of these posts, and others on other sites, the statistics are there, it’s in black and white…..wow, what a defining moment for me. I love him, he IS a perfect match for me, I have no doubt, but I AM strong enough to let him go. He’s making himself sick over all of this and I can’t see him go through it anymore. I love him too much and it hurts me too bad. I can’t stand to miss him all the time, and I hate the way it hurts him too.
Thanks to all of you who took the time to write your stories down. I needed this. I’m going to go cry now, lol, and tomorrow…….well, just wish for me the strength that some of you have had. Only those of us who’ve walked this beautiful painful road will ever know the joy and heartache it can bring.
on August 8, 2006 @ 9:16 pm
I have been seeing a married man on and off for six years - yes, six years. It’s hard to believe it’s gone on this long. This weekend was a watershed of sorts. I told him this relationship was killing me - it’s too hard. He hates his wife, but says he doesn’t want to screw up his kids by leaving - he’s said that for years. Now he says he will leave in two years when his son has graduated from high school. But he also said, for the first time, that sometimes he thinks about leaving and wonders what he’s getting into “going from one long-term relationship to another long-term relationship” with me. Also, he said he loves his house and his access to it from work. If this isn’t the shallowest excuse for an excuse, I don’t know what is. Also, his uncertainty about being in a “long term relationship” with me after I’ve been on the hook for years with him, really ticked me off and started me thinking - why DON’T I have a life unless it’s in those few stolen hours with him every week. Fortunately, I have a recently divorced MALE friend who as of tonight I started to pal around with. We won’t be sleeping together, but nonetheless MM is livid with jealousy. When I said I was going to dinner with Peter tonight, MM said “I don’t know what to think of you going to dinner with a single guy.” But you know what - I don’t care what he thinks. After all, he lives with another woman, and I’ve put up with that for years. So Peter is about to become a permanent fixture of my social life, at least until he moves on with someone else. By the way, Peter says MM is lying when he says his MW hasn’t slept with him in years. He says it’s more likely tha MM is getting very little sex - like once every 6 weeks or so. And Peter should know, since he’s been a serial cheater with his wives (two). Ironically, this is why I will not have a relationship with Peter while waiting for MM to become “available.” What an idiot I can be sometimes, but there it is - all the humiliating information…
on August 22, 2006 @ 3:04 pm
A year ago I moved into a large house with some friends one of whom was a really stunning girl. A month later the girl arranged for her boyfriend of two years to move in too. I’m quite extroverted, I never thought I would become as good friends with the girl as I did but we found we had a lot in common and I have always made her laugh and we’ve had some great times together. Then after a year we became inseperable after it became clear that her relationship with her boyfriend really was not that good. Although I never thought there would be anything sexual at that time apart from flirting. A couple of months ago we started sleeping together which I at first felt guilty about but she said it was okay because he was moving out and she was going to leave him. Everything was going okay and after two great months I thought we could even be falling in love but then the time came and he moved out which she became upset about. Then one week, she said she had to honour a prior arranged engagement away with him which I thought would be okay as I’m not really possesive. It’s upon her return she totally changed towards me and informed me that she had decided that she had become so consumed by guilt, that she had decided she could never leave him as it was him that she loved. Obviously upset about this, but I cant confide with anyone as this may get back to him. I now have to live in the house with her and see them everyday as he stays most nights. Its she has told me, shes not really happy and things still aren’t very good with him and I’m sure she feels a lot for me too as he’s a bit boring. she has told me she will be gutted if we can’t be best friends anymore as she still really likes me. but I think she is just worried about losing all my friends and invites to all the good times I arrange. Its now after a couple of weeks reflection, I still feel really hurt, confused, annoyed at her for getting me involved in the first place, jealous of him and am feeling like I should stay out of their way or sometimes telling her to get lost. But I still really, really like her… So really dont know what to do as Ive not felt like this for a girl for ages or had an experience like this before to compare it too.
on September 1, 2006 @ 10:47 am
I have known my married man for 10 years. When we first met he and his wife were having some problems and I had just moved back home to finish school and had ended a long term relationship. We started off really being friends. We were both going through difficult situations in our life and turned out to be each others support system. We didn’t become intimate right away. Talking with someone who cared was what was missing in our life at the time. Over the years he has stayed with his wife and I have had my share of relationships. It was convieninet to have someone in your corner that was supportive and also someone fun to be with when I wasn’t dating anyone. He’s 8 years older than me and has two children. I’ve always known that he wasn’t going to leave his wife and that he doesn’t want more children. I’m now at a point in my life where I am ready to settle down and really start thinking about family. My career is really beginning to take shape and I’m almost done with my second degree. Recently I have been so busy with other events in my life that I didn’t realize that I have only been spending time with my married man. I’ve also recently took some time off from my studies to enjoy my life - give my self some time. I’ve found myself really giving though to asking my married man about leaving his wife. I’ve dated people with children from previous relationships and I’ve seen how the mom uses the kids again the father when he leaves. Also, while I have been growning into myself my married man has been building on his relationship with his family and I couldn’t honestly see him walking away from this. We’ve talked it about it recently and for the first time in all these years, although he and I have always been friends, I never realized that he is someone I would want to spend the rest of my life with. Fantasizing about being his wife and living the life he has established is just that. A fantasy. For he and I to be together would mean more than just saying “see you”. Our friendship wouldn’t be the same. There are moments when I think that I should have walked away a long time ago. But then I think about the moments when he was really there for me as friend. I beieve that he loves me. Another time and place we may have been husband and wife. But now that I am ready to find my life’s partner my heart is broken at the idea that this is the person I really want to be with. I also believes that this person is really my friend. 10 years is a long to know someone and walk away from having them in their life. I can honestly say that we were friends first. I don’t want to loose my friend. I do appreciate this website though. I found some ideas for dealing with the idea that my recent fantasies of the two of us being a couple are not going to happen.
on September 7, 2006 @ 4:16 pm
MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN SEPERATED FOR 9 MONTHS
WE WERE HAVING PROBLEMS SINCE THE BEGINNING OF 2005
I HAVE MOVED AWAY TO COPE WITH THE SEPERATION BUT ALL THE SEPERATION DID WAS TAKE US FUTHER APART AND INTO OTHER PEOPLE BEDS, I HAVE BEEN WITH OTHER MEN AS WELL AS HE HAS BEEN WITH OTHER WOMEN I HAVE ALREADY FORGIVEN HIM BUT HE CANNOT FORGIVE ME AND HE SAYS HE DOES BUT HE CANT GO BACK BECAUSE TO MUCH DAMAGE WAS DONE IN OUR MARRIAGE AND I DONT WANT TO GIVE UP MY MARRIAGE!!!!!
PLEASE SOMEONE HELP I CAN’T COPE
I FEEL WE HAVE A SPIRITUAL BOND, I CAN TELL WHEN HE IS SLEEPING WITH OTHER WOMEN BECAUSE I CAN FEEL IT
SHOULD I REALLY FEEL THIS WAY IF NOT HOW DO I MOVE ON
on September 24, 2006 @ 12:46 pm
I’ve just read through the posts and I’m so amazed and very relieved to know I’m not alone. I’ve been in a relationship with a married man for 4 years. For 2 years before that we were close work friends. I never approached him or suggested that I wanted to have a relationship with him. He started it. He said he had lost interest in his wife, who other men considered “hot”, but was staying in the marriage because of the kids, family, bills, etc…. I had tried twice before to cut it off because it’s just too emotionally devastating to continue. Last week was a third time, yet now it’s different. I’ve finally lost the attraction both sexually and emotionally to someone who doesn’t have the courage to face their own marital problems and move on like several other men I’ve known have done. It seems that we have to put ourselves through this pain until we are just fed up. These men have no intention of leaving their wives for any number of reasons, all just excuses. After 4 years I finally felt like if he couldn’t even put a plan in place it was apparent that I was not “the one”. There were lots of red flags that I chose not to see. My ego and self-esteem have taken enough of a beating. It’s time to be good to myself. I know now that the reason I hung in there was just for my own ego…he is 12 years younger than me, great in bed, good looking, and smart. His character and values suck. Beware ladies….
on October 5, 2006 @ 8:12 am
I am in a love triangle with the nicest guy i have ever met. I didn’t think there were guys out there like him. My friend likes him alot, but he doesn’t want the responsibility of her 3 kids, and she’s separated, as in still married, and has her own place. She’s 28, he’s 22 and I’m 20. Everyone keeps telling me he likes me, but i dont know what to do. I don’t want to hurt my friend, but i have fallen in love. What am i to do…
on October 8, 2006 @ 12:29 pm
I to am in love with a married man,he says that he loves his wife because they have been together since grade 9 he’s now 42 and she’s 41 and am 24yrs they have been married for 23yrs.he tells me that he cares a lot for me he even tells me he loves me every now and then.he says that he’s not happy with his wife and that he’s only with her because of his three kids and that he’ll eventually leave her when his kids get off age but i know better its just his way of getting me to hold on a bit longer.However being with him is both my joy and pain.and i hate him for what he is doing to me and times when i hate my self for what am doing to his family at home.and for being with a married man.I Know he’ll never leave her for me and thats why i have to put and end to this affair.He told me the other day that his wife asked for a divorce he said that he hopes she is serious about it he says that he has been to long in a relationship with (a crazy woman is what he calls his wife).some how i dont believe that this is what he wants because i heard the hurt in his voice as he was telling this to me,So i have to end this.
on October 10, 2006 @ 8:18 pm
my married man dumped me today. This is the second time. I am also married. I don’t think I’ll be stupid enough to take him back.
Funny thing he said at the end “I’ll never cheat again.”
I know better!
on October 16, 2006 @ 5:07 pm
Where do I start? I am so ashamed, confused, hurt and generally just pissed off! I found out a few weeks ago that the guy I’ve been seeing is married. I met him at a stop light during my lunch break. He rolled down his window and struck up a conversation….I obliged. His name…”Thomas, from St. Thomas, by way of Dominica,” he says in the most sexy Caribbean accent I have ever heard. Before the light changed I gave him my number and it was on after that. He works in the area where I live in so we see each other during the day for the most part. The nights are a different story but he is school at night (or so he says). He’s even come over on his way to class in his scrubs and lab jacket. I thought nothing of it. After a month or so, he told me that he loved me and as much as I hate to admit it, I needed or wanted so bad to have someone feel that way about me that I fell for it hook, line and sinker. And I was feeling the same way. I am usually so skeptical and try to take my time but loving this man is easy. He makes me feel so good about myself, we laugh and talk, and for a time he restored my belief in love. Everything happened so fast and we both got caught up.
He was saying and doing all the right things and I was loving every minute of it. We talked about the future at length…buying a 5-6 BR house next Spring, our credit scores, opening up a business together, going on vacation in December and eventually moving back to the Caribbean after he finished med school and I got my kids off to college. We’re even talking about having another baby and I’m 36. My two boys are 15 and 11, so the thought of starting over wasn’t even a consideration before he came along. But he made it sound so good and the closer we get, the more I want it to happen. It was all good…for a while.
I can’t remember exactly when but there was a point when I knew that some thing wasn’t right with him, I just couldn’t put my finger on it. He was so sweet, attentive and caring that I actually felt bad about being suspicious of him at times. I chalked it all up to me being jaded or still healing from a bad past relationship. Then it started…the dreams. As crazy as this is going to seem, I see things in my dreams, things that often times come to be at a later date. I’ve done it since I was a child and it has always scared me. But since this situation, I have learned to acknowledge, accept and respect my “gift”. I do research for a living and when the dreams wouldn’t cease and my spirit could no longer rest, I started doing a little digging. It didn’t take long. I found his address and home phone number on the Internet. The part that freaked me out was the fact that I had been dreaming about the letter “A”. The other little tidbit I found interesting was that the birthday he gave me didn’t match what I found online. By this time, I was a nervous wreck.
The day that I found all of this, he came over for lunch….and a little extra-curricular activity. As usual it was wonderful. No man has ever kissed me or touched me the way he does. Anyway, while he was showering, I laid in bed and a really bad feeling washed over me.
I was tempted to check his pants for a wallet but I couldnt bring myself to do it. While we were having lunch I asked him when his birthday was…saying that I wanted to put it on my calendar. He said Dec 8. Originally he told me Dec 10. I totally lost it. I asked to see his drivers license but he kept saying he had to get back to work, the only thing that mattered is that he loved me and w would talk about it later. I put him out. He called me all afternoon. Later that night I called the phone number I found. A woman answered. Turns out she’s not the “aunt” he said he was renting part of his house out to but his wife. I was so heated. He got on the phone and acted like a complete a–hole, which only made it worse. Then the next day, he’s calling asking me to forgive him. Telling me he loves me and he’s sorry, we can make it work.
I was ready to walk away. I told him go make things right with your wife cause I don’t want to be a home wrecker or even contribute to another woman’s pain this way. She seemed really nice the night we talked. I even wrote her a letter apologizing but I never sent it. I asked him what his wife was saying and he told me she was saying she was going to leave him. So I asked him what he wanted her to do. All he can say is that she’s a nice person and that they spent $30,000 on the wedding. What the f—? Then he says, I don’t care what she does but she’s not taking my daughter. Excuse me? What daughter? He told me he didn’t have any kids. That really sent me over the top. I asked him when he was planning on telling me…this “blanka” (substitute for the “N” word) had the nerve to tell me, “after I got you pregnant.” What kind of sh– is that? Oh did I mention I ended up in the hospital the day after this all happened b/c I fainted in an elevator at work from all the stress and not eating.
4 weeks later we are still seeing each other. I feel so conflicted. I love him and I really believe he loves me. But unless she leaves, I don’t think he will. He loves his daughter too much and I completely understand that. I want to trust him but I don’t. I don’t even recognize the woman I have become. I don’t do married men and had I known when I met him, I would have never even allowed myself to get involved. I know it’s wrong and my heart grieves, not just for me but for his wife too. I know I need to let him go but he won’t let me and my heart won’t let go without a fight. I even tried to break things off a week ago but he insists that he loves me and that we can make it work. He says he just needs a little time. But what am I supposed to do in the meantime? It kills me to know that he sleeps with her every night and I get bits and pieces of him. I want to shout from the roof tops how I feel about this man. I want to love him openly. I deserve better than this but I don’t know how to let him go.
on October 16, 2006 @ 6:57 pm
I am in need of some serious advice…I have been involved with a married man for 5 years…Off and on. He has two children. He claims he loves me…He tells me he loves me. The words he writes in letters and in e mails are so strong…so convincing….I beleive him….We see eachother very infrequently as he lives quite a distance away. About every two months or so, however we talk everyday. Every four to five months he finds ways to get into an argument with me which will result in us not speaking for a month or two. It has been as long as three months at times..But then we will see eachother somewhere and it will start up again. All of the passion…All of the sweet words…All of the promises. I love him..I do…I recently discovered through e mails that he is also involved in other relationships. Three that I can confirm. It appears those relationships are sexual only. He never says he loves them nor does he talk like there is any future with them as he does me. Am I kidding myself thinking ours is more???? He promises me there are no other women. I will not confront him with the emails. I am afraid. He told me last week his wife was pregnant for the 3rd time. This has caused the silence once again…He said he is not thinking clearly and his world is crumbling around him. I do not know why this hurts so bad. I do not know why I am not angry…just hurt. I cry all of the time and cannot function. Please give me some advice to get over this man. I seem to find excuses as to why he does what he does. Why do I do that? I just want to be over him for once and for all
on October 17, 2006 @ 7:40 pm
Dear Anonymous
affairs work very much like addictions. Addicitions make a person feel terrible, out of control and yet unable to stop. The only thing to do with an addiction is to stop it, no matter how badly it makes you feel. It may seem impossible, but one minute at a time - with support - you can do it. That is absolutely the only thing to do.
Love Coach Rinatta Paries
Get “other woman” support at
http://www.nomoreheartbreak.com/helpother.html
on October 25, 2006 @ 7:53 am
Well I’m back. I told you all the details on October 16th. Since that time I tried to walk away from Thomas, as per Love Coach Rinatta Paries advice. I can’t and it’s killing me. We were supposed to go to NY last weekend but at the last minute he tells me that his wife decided to go to see her family, so I can’t go. I was pissed and really had no right. But that was supposed to be our weekend. So Friday morning he calls and wants to see me before he leaves. He comes over and climbs into bed with me, I’m super late for work and I don’t even care. I was just happy to have him in my space.
And now I know I’m not thinking clearly b/c he has convinced me (or I’ve allowed myself to be convinced)to make a gyny appt to get cleared for us to go ahead with our plans to have a baby. “Rhianna Gabrielle”, we’ve even picked out a name. I don’t know if all of that came about in the after-glo of making love but I know I am starting to hate myself. This isn’t me but I love him so much and the harder I try to leave the situation, the stronger my feeelings get.
We talked this morning and I asked him where he sees this going b/c it’s obvious that he isn’t unhappy enough to leave his marriage and apparently she’s not leaving. So where does that leave me? All he can say is that this whole thing is his fault and he’s sorry. She has never done anything bad to him and he loves her. But he loves me too and still wants to see me. So i asked why he made me believe in an us and babies and a future? He said sometimes he believes it too then sometimes he feels bad about what were doing? So I said then thats the answer, we don’t need to see each other anymore. He says “So you don’t want to see me anymore? Of course I do, but I can’t just hang out with him and not feel what I feel. He wants to know if I’m mad at him…hell yes! I am angry, confused, hurt, still in shock, still-in-love and all thats in between. It’s like he pulls me in, creates another illusion of “us” and but then becomes unsure. One minute it’s all good and then he’s having second thoughts. I can’t live like this anymore. My heart can’t take it.
I am a good woman. Not perfect but loving, loyal, faithful, caring, understanding, giving, considerate. I’m intelligent (although some of you probably doubt that now), talented, strong, independent,attractive (or at least I think so). Don’t I deserve more than this? Somedays I wonder. Maybe I don’t. Right now I feel like I just wanna die.
on October 29, 2006 @ 1:11 pm
I am a 24yr old married man whose deeply in love with a woman I knew before I met my wife. This woman and I dated for quite sometime but my job called me overseas and our relationship kind of fell through the cracks. We talked periodically until I returned from overseas only to find out she was married but so was I. We began seeing each other again secretly when we could arrange time seeing how we were 1000+ miles apart. This still continues til this day only she is no longer with her husband. My wife and I have a great relationship. Besides minor things I have nothing to complain about. But I do not love her like I love this other woman. I’ll admit that I got married for all the wrong reasons but it turned out to be okay except for the fact I’m in love and want to be with someone else. I can’t bring myself to tell my wife this because it would be too much of a shock to her. I am really confused and I don’t know what to do. I want to be with the other woman because that’s where my heart truly is but at the sametime I care about my wife and I do not want to hurt her. Everyday I find myself stressed out over this situation and it’s getting to the point where it’s affecting me mentally and emotionaly. Sometimes I just want to tell her but then I think about all the people this will affect and I lose my confidence. Also I don’t want karma to come back and bite me in the butt either.
on November 3, 2006 @ 10:57 pm
I have been on both sides of the fence.
I am a married woman of 8 years, we have 2 small children. My husband had an affair about 7 months ago. It was devastating but he broke it off and wants to be with me. The problem is that while i was hurting i tured to my male friend (of 8 years) for support. He comforted me and made me feel so safe. I am so attracted to him, and he to me. We have started to see each other secretly. He has a girlfriend of 11 years… I am certain that he cares for me a great deal, but uncertain as to whether he will leave his current girlfriend. I am not sure if I want to stay with my husband or not. It is a difficult situation. I feel so safe and so alive with my friend/lover… I would love to have him all of my own.
on November 5, 2006 @ 10:52 am
I met my mate in 2002 through a friend. At the time we became friends and I knew he was married and having problems. I was having problems in the relationship I was in so he and I spent a lot of time talking on the phone about our problemed relationships. I even tried giving him suggestions on how to make his marriage better but it didn’t help. He and his wife seperated Jan 2003, she moved to a different part of the state and he and I started dating since I was no longer in my relationship. We got engaged, the divorce was finalized just in time for Christmas of 2004. We planned to get married in July 2005. Well, she moved back to town and caused all sorts of problems using the kids and what not to cause problems for us. We posponed the wedding, I got my own place only to later find out he moved in with her and their kids.
I found this out when I told him I was pregnant. Long story short, we have a beauty son together. He’s still with the ex-wife and I can’t take much more of him thinking I’m not suppose to move on and he’s with someone else. Just because he “says” he’s there for the kids, I know it’s more. We have a child too and I don’t see him being here for him.
on November 7, 2006 @ 12:40 pm
Wanted to share something I wrote with you all. God Bless.
If….
If I could walk away from this love affair, I would,
If I could summon the strength from deep inside, I could
If I had the power, I’d turn back the hands of time,
If only I could erase all these memories us from my mind
If I could simply stop talking, seeing and dreaming about you,
If I felt I could love again and live out my life & dreams without you
If I could stop myself from engaging in these daily contradictions,
If only there was a 12-step program to absolve me of this addiction
But nothing’s like being in love with you!
If my heart was a little bit wiser and stronger
If I didn’t have these unanswered questions to ponder
If I could clearly ascertain your artful fiction from reality
If I could blind my eyes to illusions built with your mendacity
If I could understand the lesson and see the plan God has for me
If I could trust my own judgment again and fall back in love with me
If I could run away to some far off place and leave this pain behind
If I thought that I could give you up without losing my mind
But nothing’s like being in love with you!
If I could click my heels three times and find my way back home
If I could acknowledge and let go the fear of living life alone
If I could take to the sky, like a bird and simply fly away
If I could choose a new path, wouldn’t look back, wouldn’t go astray
If I could do all these things, I could move on and I would not feel this way
And I pray to God, to take my love for you so heart can rest and be okay
One day I’ll be ready, dignity unearthed and I’ll have the courage that it takes
Maybe tomorrow or maybe the next, but baby I just can’t leave you today
Because nothing’s like being in love with you!
Natalie ‘06
on November 10, 2006 @ 8:44 am
Ok. I am 22 yrs old, alright looking, very self-sufficient and intelligent, and talented. Which are all more important than looks. But I never had parents, or felt very loved and accepted, so when Im alone, I feel like Im suffocating.(not that I sleep around out of desperation, I just ignore the feeling.) Two and a half years ago, I met Charles, and I was living alone in GA. He seemed to seep into my soul like a cranberry stain on a white shirt, he “understood me”, totally appreciated my art and singing abilities, and we just connected on a soul level. But he had a giurlfriend of about 8 yrs, Yo-Yo. He referred to her as “she” never saying her name, just stating that he was there for their twins, who were 2 at the time. I felt like a whore for sticking around, and I got pregnant. Well, I thought he would leave her, I mean, well if youre there for the kids, we have one on the way, so come on—lets do the family thing. But the pregancy was unintentional—–so when I was 5 months along, I finally had to pick up and leave GA, becuase I felt soooo like crap it wasnt even funny. NO ONE in my family, except my cousin Nat and my sister LaShanna, know that he had someone else, I am simply TOO prideful to admit that I came second to anyone.
SO—-THen I met Don earlier this year, at a new job. Talk about not learning from your past mistakes—-he is 37, was married for 2 years, in his relationship for 13 yrs. Im like WHOA —-I cant even remember anythign from 13 yrs ago I was only 10! —-needless to say, he left her because he was “unhappy, not because of me” —-and we live together. But now I feel guilty and as if I caused the whole thing. Though I really love him I want to leave him,because he’s WAY to insecure about our ages: he thinks I will run out on him and cheat but Im up here by myself, and I fear some kind of violent retaliation–I mean, hes never been violent, but he LOVES me, and I feel like he gave up so much to be here. What do I do? I also have that thing where being alone makes me shiver. But I know I will survive.
Is it natural to be with ONE person, or has society engraved the idea in our minds, despite our natural inclination towards the opposite? I think I want to be in a Poligamous marriage, with more than one wife. It sounds VERY radical but I think I would be happier in this environment. I just hate to make the same mistake twice, am I ? I mean he’s with me, not her, and she knows it. But I dont feel like I ve accomplished anything.
on November 14, 2006 @ 10:03 am
I read all these posts and I see one thing we all have in common - the deep believe that our situation is DIFFERENT, that the others won’t understand because they cannot understand because they don’t know him and how special our particular relationship is…I thought the same for three years. I am after getting out of it, after yet another instant where he said he was going to leave his wife and yet backed out again, at the last minute.
But of course he tells me that our connection is so strong that I cannot possibly walk away from him, I would be fooling myself to think I could ever find something like our special relationship again. Just give him some more time and things will change. I never heard this one before, have you?
Guess what, I am convinced now that I can find someone else, and that I will! Not only someone else, but someone better, someone who is there for me 100 percent, who does not hide me, who is not afraid of his wife finding out etc. Someone who will commit to me fully, as we all deserve it.
I think most of us will get to that stage sooner or later where we had enough, get fed up and see more clearly. But everyone has to walk through all the pain and disappointment first before getting there, and I strongly believe there are no shortcuts - unfortunately! Good luck to everyone.
on November 16, 2006 @ 8:43 am
Great Support Group For You:
If you are the “other” person in an affair or love triangle situation, please head on over to a safe and supportive new group I have created just for you - How To Cope in a Love Triangle - Help for the “Other” Man or Woman. The group is supportive, private and you will be able to connect with peers in the same situation, as well as get coaching from me. Get group membership here.
on November 22, 2006 @ 8:00 am
don’t you think you’re too young and naive to be dealing with a grown ass 37 year old man…you will seen when you’re 33 that you were just a baby!! enjoy your life - why settle for a married man WITH kids, drama and headaches…is he putting you thru school? are you guys making plans together? is he an active force in your life? do you travel? do you discuss retirement or where you want to retire? oh i forgot, you’re only 22 — live your life fully NOT wrapped around a man! i don’t care if you shiver or not…you’ll be much more happy!!! find something in yourself - not a man — they all have the same thing - put God first and you’ll see - 10 years later - you’ll say to yourself what was I thinking????
on November 22, 2006 @ 8:02 am
TO ALL OF THE DESPARATE WANT TO BE “HOUSEWIVES” - THE MARRIED MAN NEVER LEAVES — HE’LL BE MAKING LOVE TO YOU THINKING ABOUT HIS WIFE — THEY ARE THE TREASURED POSSESSION - YOU ARE THE WORTHLESS “JEWEL”…REMEMBER THAT!
on November 24, 2006 @ 7:10 pm
Man, these stories are so sad. I have a good one too. I was married and faithful for 7 yrs, then was cheated on by the now exhusband. Became close again with a childhood friend and began a secret attraction to him. He is married but has been separated for years. I have never admitted my feelings though he may suspect. We spend lots of time together and I have not dated ANYONE since my divorce. I don’t need to since he satisfies all my needs, except for sexually, but that is a small price to pay to have him in my life. He does not believe in divorce, so I know he will not ever be free. I do not believe he returns my feelings, he thinks that we are only strictly friends. So I feel like the other woman though we are not romantic. It kills me to be in this situation because of what I went through in my marriage. I wish I could give him up but I can’t. But I also know that as long as he’s in my life I’ll never pay attention to another man.
on November 25, 2006 @ 11:10 am
hey natalie, that poem is awesome, i hope you don’t mind but i shared it w/ some friends
on November 27, 2006 @ 7:50 pm
I too am in a love triangle. I travel alot for business and resisted for a while, after that bam!!, now the girl friend thinks she’s pregnant. My wife and mother of my three children found out about the other women, how can I tell her she might be pregnant?
on November 29, 2006 @ 10:01 pm
I went through reading all of the postings. I feel I have learned a lot. However, none of them seem to compare to my specific situation. I began to work in accounting for an independent business about 7 months ago. I was always attracted to the very professional and married “christian” owner of the business, with whom I thought I could never have a relationship. One night, after happy hour with our co-workers and a lot to drink, he and his wife and I headed back to his millionaire home. Eventually his wife passed out and so did I…on the guest room floor. Next thing I know, theb owner and husband is being very tenderly intimate with me and kissing and touching me in ways that no one has ever done. I was devastated, to know that he would cheat on his wife that way and seemingly use me. Though I experience something wonderful sexually, I still asked him “why did you do this?” The next day, I found out that he had been lusting over me for months, and that he had planned a speech to me to ask that I come and be intimate with him for only a couple of hours, and that would be the end of it. I cried. Over time, we got to know each other very intimately. We talked about painful situations in our lives that we had talked about with no one else. The look in his eyes, the tears, the compassion he showed….I was then in love. The relationship grew. Two weeks after the first encounter he was saying “I’m this close,” while using his thumb and index finger together about a millimeter apart. Two weeks later, he had said “I love you.” So had I. This is considering the fact that I freaked out and cried and yelled at him for my pain and threatened suicide because that’s what I wanted. He accepted that in me. In the beginning, he only wanted sex. Now it’s evolved to a plan to leave his wife of 22 years. They have 2 daughters together. He cannot leave her now because of complicated legal situations having to do with his business and his in-laws. The only reason he does not do it now is because this man has worked his ass off for 16 years to be a millionaire and he stands to lose 75% of it if divorce proceedings go on at this point. I trust him completely in that he is not leading me on. This man cries everytime he leaves me. He is a 6′ muscular, masculine and good looking man who you would not expect to cry. I feel his pain. I suffer. So much. How long can I wait? I don’t distrust him for one second that he does not plan to be with me…however, I am suffering. End of Story for now. Thank all of you for sharing.
on December 25, 2006 @ 3:31 am
I have been with a man in a common-law marriage for over 20years. Within the past 2 years I started cheating on him…largely because of some behavior changes that he has displayed. After attempting to talk with him about these behaviors and getting no where I started dating this wonderful guy. I have used work as the primary excuse to see the guy and have gone unchecked by my “spouse”. I do plan on leaving him(spouse) within the next several months. Ironically, I think I have given up on the long term relationship because although we share 2 children togerther and have common interest…the love is dying in the relationship. I feel no guilt or remorse for cheating on him. However I do feel guilty in not explaining my current situation to my new lover. I feel that the relationship will work between us and there is no need to let him know about my current situation although I did lie to him and told him that I was divorced.
on December 29, 2006 @ 1:17 am
WOW!! And to think I thought I was all alone in this. My heart goes out to everybody. But let me tell you something I read recently: If a man doesn’t know what he wants-he doesn’t want what he has. I came about this web site looking for a way OUT. My lover is not married and that is what kept me stuck for so long (7 months). I convinced myself it was still open house and so I have waited like a dummy. He told me he loved me first, actually left his girlfriend of 13 years for me and everything. But it was the way he left her that disgusted me. She has an 11 month old son with him on top of that she has 2 other kids and another one of his living at “his house”. When we met he told me she was his babysitter so when I found out she was infact his fiance I was floored. But good old intuition told me that how soon would it be before I became the babysitter too. So when he kicked her and her children out for me I really looked closely at his character. He wanted me to move in with him immediately and when i didnt he went immediatley back to her. He’s not a bad guy just not mature enough to know how to end a relationship. The “week” that she was gone he allowed the kids to come back so they could attend school and kept the baby too but look at what I would have been waliking in to?! He called and told me he had a spirtual awakening and that he couldnt see me. But of course we resumed our relationship a month later and our first night together again I got pregnant with twins!!! I already have children of my own and I am not fortunate enough to be able to afford a nanny so it was terminated. Now he was a complete gentleman throughout the whole thing he is kind and loving etc. I know you can understand when I say that I didnt want to walk away from him and have to deal with always wondering if he was the one. Everytime I get frustrated he says “hold on” that “we missed our chance” blah blah blah. But what I am seeing is me causing my heart to ache not him he’s only capable of doing what I allow him to do. But the beating this whole “relationship” is putting on my self esteem troubles ME. It is not troubling him at all. I believe that he loves me and he’s proven that. Once I found out about her he has never lied about anything. Now on top of all of this it is also a long distance relationship which is hard enough. I realized that by seeking help that I must have SOME courage. I am planning on ending this soon and I believe that if it was meant to be, well he knows how to find me. I know from doing some soul searching that being alone and being lonely are two different things. I really adore this man but the only way to really know if he adores me is for me to leave him. I dont enjoy being the other woman. And for those of us with daughters just ask yourselves what would you do FOR them if it was them in this situation and do that for yourselves!!! Life is short if their marriages/relationships were so unfulfilling that they needed to get their needs met elsewhere what would they do when/if you had them to yourselves?? I want someone that knows how to be BORED with me and suggest playing a game not someone that will run to someone else the minute the big bang is over. I thank everyone for the stories but I think our lovers/partners only care about their own needs. Mostly by playing the victim and if it worked on us they will use it again. Imagine how powerful they must feel over us. My advice live your lives think about yourselves with the utmost respect. NO ONE CAN LOVE US UNTIL WE LEARN HOW TO LOVE OURSELVES.
on February 5, 2007 @ 11:04 pm
i’m in love with a married man but i dont trust him but the thing about the whole sistuation he has never cheated on me as i know of i guess im just getting tired of the way he treats me. as if im a stanger on the street he just meet after 9yrs. we have been together how can I still love him and walk away at the sametime. but hes my whole life he means the world to me what am i going to do?
on February 7, 2007 @ 11:36 am
This website has been amazingly helpful for me, too! I am married with two children, but in summer 06, I initiated a legal separation from my husband due to major difficulties in the marriage and moved the kids and I to our own place. For the last 7 years of our 9 year marriage, we had many problems and grew further and further apart. But I always stayed, because of my committment to God and I always had hope that some day things would be different and/or I would just have to settle for the ways things were. My husband was self-ish, non-loving and isolated himself from me and my family and friends. Never wanting to participate in family outtings, kids’ activities, etc. It was a horrible situation to live in. All of my married friends were shocked that I lived that way. There would be weeks to months at the time, when we wouldn’t even speak to each other and when we did, it was always confrontational and resulted in fall-outs most of the time in front of the kids (which I always hated!). My children didn’t deserve it and neither did I. So after a heart-wrenching decision was made, I moved out of the comforts of my house, left him with our family dog and bird and by the grace of God, found much relief (from the tension and stress) and peace. I know that I didn’t deserve the treatment and how much it had changed my outgoing and loving attitude at home, with him. Since the summer, so much has happened. Although, I was ready to give up on our marriage since I was the only one trying, my best friend was always there to support me and console me - he was going through very similar issues with his wife. I met my “best friend” back in the summer of 2005, haphazardly; I was a “damsel in distress” - my car had broken down on the interstate and he was kind enough to stop and help. Never did we expect that our brief meeting would bring us to the point of a “relationship.” After several months had passed during that year, and I was still with my husband, we became very close. Sharing the sad stories of our marriages and understanding what the other was going through. We were staying in touch every day while at work, leaving messages for each other outside of work hours; on the weekends, even. My husband found out about my close friendship via a diary that I kept. He threatened to wreck his life (by telling his wife, somehow). Never denying the friendship, I was sensitive to my husband’s wishes that I discontinue the friendship and for a brief time, I didn’t keep in touch with him. However, things with my husband still weren’t working out and my friend restablished contact with me, to “see how I was doing.” Since then, we’ve been in touch, just like before. The only difference is, now (really over the few weeks/month), my husband and I are working things out and I really want to allow time for us so that we can have the marriage God intended for us. I had fallen in love with my friend (who’s unhappily married, but says he can’t leave his wife because of his young daughter), and over the past year, I’ve been on an emotional roller-coaster; just like everyone who has posted their stories on this site. The turning point for me is that in each story I’ve read, no married man involved has sacrificed as much as the “other woman” has. None of them have left their supposedly “unhappy” marriages to be with the woman they “truly” love. Knowing this obvious trend, I have realized that even though, I care very much for my best friend, had become intimate and fallen in love with him, I have to cut him loose. My husband is more committed than he has ever been to making this work and I owe our marriage at least one more try. Knowing that I’ll lose my very close friend of almost 2 years, I pray that I will develop that kind of relationship with my husband and I also pray for my friend’s marriage to turn around for the better as well. The only problem is actually breaking it off with him. I’ve initiated it several times over the course of 6 months, yet, every time he’s contacted me to “check on me” and we’re right back at square one in our closeness. I’ve written him a letter that I hope will do the trick, but I’m so nervous about giving it to him for fear of hurting him and ending up back in touch, soon after, like before. As this Valentine’s Day weekend approaches, I only want to think of my husband and how much time we’ll have to actually revive our marriage. He most recently rededicated his life to Christ, and is committed to God - something that he resented in me that tore us apart before. Having God in the picture always helps in realizing what’s right and what’s wrong. I’ll keep all of you in my prayers and I make the decision to do the right thing; however painful it may be.
Take care all!
KL
on February 9, 2007 @ 9:59 am
Hello all - well, I’m back with an update.
It’s funny how much a person can tell you one thing and your feelings for them are so strong that you believe that it’s true. Then they slip up and don’t tell you the whole truth and you get an awakening that changes your whole perspective on life AND them. My “best friend” and I met up last night to go to that work-related reception that I have invited him to, prior to my first entry on this site. It was a nice time and I was able to introduce him to several folks that I work with; he’s trying to get a job where I work. I guess everyone that knows me thought we were dating – little do they know. He was a perfect gentleman as always. Most of the night we stood off by ourselves so we could walk around and mingle. There were hors deavours and wine/beer cash bar. He bought me a drink (and himself), which helped us loosen up a bit. After about an hour, he needed to get home and we decided to go. He asked to use my cell phone to call his wife and let her know he was on the way. That kinda bothered me, but that’s the situation, so I dealt with it.
It was freezing outside and he gave me his jacket to keep warm. (how sweet). Well, he wanted me to drive us to the top floor of the parking garage that we parked in. It was a clear night and the stars were beautiful and you could see the waterside of Downtown. It was quite beautiful and romantic. I was still buzzed from the wine, so the time we sat there allowed me to come down a bit. We talked some, but my “best friend” kept looking at me with “that look.” I knew he was thinking something, but when I asked, he wouldn’t say. Then he asked if we could sit in the back of my SUV (a common make-out spot for us). I eagerly agreed. I was trying so hard not to initiate anything, but I didn’t turn him down either.
So we hopped in the back and just cuddled and talked. He and I discussed the latest developments between my husband and I, and kept saying he’d pray for us. He explained why he had stated that he was jealous about our going away this weekend. He said that he hates knowing that our friendship/relationship will change. He said he doesn’t want to lose it. I always knew he was more involved than he led on to believe. I told him that he needed to refocus his attention on his wife and I asked him what his plans were for today – he had told me he was going to be off from work. He told me that he was going skiing. When I probed into it and asked him who he was going with. He said, he and wife and daughter were supposed to go. Funny how he was jealous about me spending a weekend with my husband, but he already had big family plans of his own. Even though I didn’t make a big deal about it to him, it made me think. He kept referring to “us” and I reminded him that we always knew things between us would always be just as there were and nothing more. (He would always tell me that nothing more could ever become of ‘us’ so I took it for what it always was; just an affair and close friendship.)
I told him that it would be the last time we’d have together and he asked if he could just kiss me. Of course, I wanted him to and we made out for quite awhile – it was intense and it got very emotional for me.
Now, that I look back on the conversation we had last night, I never wanted to hurt him. I never wanted to take his heart and break it. I feel as though he is hurt, even if just a little. But he’s very married. Then, I noticed that he was wearing a wedding band. He hadn’t worn one in over 10 years (he lost his original and his wife wouldn’t replace it for him.) I asked him, “so when did you start wearing that?” I did put him on the spot and he told me Eileen had gotten it for him, last weekend. That’s when it hit me – it’s got to end. There’s no way I can continue on with this relationship, even if my husband and I weren’t working things out. There’s something being withheld from me and I know my “best friend” isn’t being completely clean with me on what’s happening with him at “home.”
For someone to all of a sudden replace your wedding band after 10 years, there has to be something to make that person want to put another ring on your finger - love. They seem to be doing lots of family things more often and working on big projects for their house and all – so it can’t be all that bad, right? In the beginning of our friendship, he had told me that he never pressed the issue of wearing a wedding band again, because he and his wife were having so many problems and he didn’t feel like it meant anything – he didn’t feel married anyway; he’s say.
Well, after we talked about that, he wanted to undo my bra and kiss my “my soft skin,” but I discouraged him; seeing his wedding band, really killed the mood for me and I felt like bolting out of the car at that point. So, I told him it was time to get going and I drove him back to his car in the parking garage. Meanwhile, my husband had called twice so I called him back to let him know I was on my way home (he was watching the kids for me), while Jeff was still in the car with me.
I drove out of the garage and soon met up with him at a stoplight where he motioned a good-bye to me. I briefly waved back and then zoomed off to the Interstate, as he did.
Last week when I posted my entry to this website, I had already decided that I would let him go after this event last night. I had written him a letter with card and everything. But I didn’t bring it with me to give to him. But it worked out that my way, and this was probably a better way to do it.
This is going to sound so bad, but when I got to my husband’s place to pick up the kids, I have to admit, I was feeling very sexual and wanted to burn that energy off on him; he’s the one who deserved it. I pretty much seduced him and my way into his bedroom and we made love. I’m sure he was wondering what had gotten into me. But it was so much better making love to my husband than somebody else’s. I realized just how much I need to refocus my attention on my own husband. And boy is he in for a wonderful weekend! I can’t wait! I just this weekend to be so special and I’ll do whatever it takes to let my husband know how committed I am to him, now, and especially after all he’s done to show me that he’s committed.
Losing my “best friend”…does it hurt? Of course, it does. But I am determined not to turn back from my decision and my commitment. But I have everything to gain by working out my marriage. I do love my husband and I want us to be together; because I know it’s God’s will. I just pray that God can forgive me and work in my heart to change me into the wife and friend I need to be for my husband.
In reading through all of the other postings on this site, I realize that my experiences over the last year and a half come pretty close to most of the entries and the tragedy is that the married men having extramarital affairs, whether true love or not, always ends with them staying with their wives. End of story.
Although I really don’t regret any part of my experiences with my “best friend,” I’ve learned a HUGE lesson in all of it. I thanked him for helping me feel sexy again and loved again, self-esteem of which I hadn’t felt over 80 percent of my marriage. But I do know that married men are off limits completely, no matter what you think you know about their relationships with their wives. If they are “that” bad, they would leave them, no matter what. These days fathers have just as many parental rights in custody battles as mothers. So I don’t think that excuse (for not leaving) is good enough.
Take care and God Bless!
KL, #2 entry
on February 9, 2007 @ 6:37 pm
KL and all,
thanks for sharing about your affair experiences on this blog. This blog is a great place to leave one or two comments, but if you want to engage in discussion on your situation and get support, please join a support group I created just for this purpose: Help for “Other” Woman or Man on Coping in an Affair.
Thanks
Love Coach Rinatta
on February 13, 2007 @ 12:08 am
keep your head up and if you ever get over these affairs stay away be truthfull with yourself and love yourself more than anyone else.learn to take care of yourself financially emotionally andevery other way. i was in a relationship like this. i had a loving husband who i didnt totally appreciate,i didnt know how to appreciate him. i met this other guy he was divorced but back with his ex wife. he told me they were not together. i separated from my husband thinking the grass was greener. after we were together for about a year i found out he was still with his ex. i was head over heels by then,we had been together every night for a year.i didnt know people did that when they had a woman. we had wedding plans and allsoi throught but he was lying he was still with her too.at this point he starting going back and forth between us living a double life but he was staying with her acting as a husband to her but being at my house every other day.i loved him so much i couldn’t leave,this lasted for five years after a while i didnt want him to leave i enjoyed him the way we where ijust wanted respect. ihad learned to realize she wasn’t keeping us apart infact she was the reason we were together.we were really not compatible. in the beginning it seemed like we were but it was just because those stories were lies. after the fourth year i began to learn him and his true personality, this is what will help you get over these relationships,once you spend enough time with these people you will see their spouses are doing you a favor by dealing with their bullshit you are just not seeing these people enough to truly know their true selves. we even had a son together, that made me love him more because he was their for us so much and he was soloving during my pregnancy even though the woman wanted him to leave me,he always told her he would not. well after the five years i got blessed and god sent my husband home after so much bullshit with him i nowknow how to appreciate my husband he is such a good man. to get over this look deeper at this man, spendsometime away from him completely he wont leave you he will stillbe there when you come back. understand that you deserve to be loved,if no man will love you then love your self more than that man loves you, understand that that man may love you but the only one he truly loves is himself, know that men lie if that woman was what he says he would leave,that woman probably does whatever he says and does anything to please him. even if you are insecure know that allthe ulgy girls have a man or most of them men want you with some flaws that way they are not insecure. you can get over this just began to love yourself but i knowit takes time and it is hard. im not even jealous of their relationship because i understand she didnt come betweenus wewouldhave never worked out even if she wasnt there.it seemed like we were compatible because he was fake around me when he showed me his true self i didnt even really like him. he knew i wouldnt be ableto truly deal with his personality thats why he knew to never leave,he knew the only womna weak enough to dealwith his bullshit was her.i hate liers and thats what he was in the end i seen him for what he was.your ownmanis out there, he will love you and respect you
on April 17, 2007 @ 10:22 pm
Here are two posts about other women who found their “one” was playing them… and in fact preying on them:
http://theexposer.mindsay.com/?entry=16
http://theexposer.mindsay.com/the_true_story_of_gridney_exposed_the_stumbling_block.mws
The pain and yes TRAUMA these women feel is real. They gave their love and got deeply hurt in return.
on April 20, 2007 @ 8:55 am
My question is for all the ladies who say they love this person (who’s married or tied down in another relationship) Did you fall in love after you became intimate (sleeping with) this person? I guess I m wondering of the cataylst for “love” is caused by the sex component specifically. Not, just having intimate conversation, opening up emotionally through dialog only. INquiring minds want to know.
on May 19, 2007 @ 4:17 am
I am in love with a married woman. I am 45 years old and have 2 grand children. I have met an incredible woman that is truly and deeply in love with me. She is only 28. She tells me that she does not have a problem with the age difference, I believe her. Well lets get to the core of this, We have been seeing each other for 3 months and each time we get closer, the problem is that I can’t get her husband out of my mind. She said she is going to leave him, yet she is still intimate with him. When she tell me it’s not the same with him and she thinks of me that hurts. Is she playing me and just using me to have the best of two worlds? When we are together it is like we are alone in this world. We can freely talk about anything and all seems great. When we depart for the day I know there is a possibility that she is going to have sex with him. I told her yesterday that I am not going to stress anymore I was going to go back to the way I was before I met her, if we are supposed to be together then we will. If not then I will move on. She agreed that the person she fell in love with was the old me before the worries and agony. I feel better, yet I feel hollow inside. What should I do?
on May 31, 2007 @ 10:06 am
My married man came into my life at a time I was at my lowest and weakest emotional levels, my world as I had known it was crumbling down all around me, I met this man through what I believed at the time was a close friend, I myself was still married,but legally separated, upon meeting him and during our first conversation we both opening offered our martial status,he too was separated from wife, we began seeing one another exclusively, even though I viewed him as a friend only, he helped me through the hard times and was there for me in many ways my husband had never been, eventually this man won my heart and we moved in together, Over a period of the next three years we discussed marriage,life goals why he no longer loved or wanted to be with his wife, and I finally accepted the fact that he was the man I was supposed to be with, the storm blew in, His siblings and legal wife all of sudden needed him every day he was off work, at first it didn’t bother me I was somewhat amused by it I told myself that she now saw me as a threat and was enlisting the family to help sabbotage our relationship, since the one she was involved in went south,he could not see or understand my point of view. After many aruguements we broke up and went our separte ways, me feeling he was still in love with her I picked up my life and begin building a future for my self alone, over the next year and a half, he would call me every couple of months saying he was just checking on me and hoped evrything was going okay, by the end of the second year of our breakup, he surfaces, once again telling me how much he loves and wants me, but know there is a new problem to deal with, yes he got back with his wife after our breakup and even brought her a new home, which now he is financially tied up in and since he reconciled with her,retirement that she would not have been entitled to she now would have rights to, I have been seeing him and having sex with him for over 2 years now, I usually see him 5-6 days a week after work on an average of about 3 hours daily, he calls me each morning and sometimes throughout the day, I feel in love with him because he was a friend when I needed one and he became my perfect lover, it is long past the time to end this nonsense but each time I let go and begin to feel overwhelmed by loneliness I give in and call him back, and I am a very attractive and I use to think intelligent woman but I have not found the key to truly getting him out of my system.
on June 3, 2007 @ 6:05 pm
This is for those referring to the men/women who cheat as “losers”. There are two sides to every story and to make an assumption that a person who cheats on a spouse/significant other is a loser is narrow minded. What about the man who stays in a bad marriage for his children because the “poor” wife this “loser” is married to is manipulative and emotionally abusive to husband and child? Grant it, two wrongs do not make a right, but I don’t hear you making any mention of those wrongs. What if this “loser” wouldn’t resort to fulfillment in the arms of another woman if the one he was with knew how to treat him with love and respect? She may have even cheated on him but because this “loser” is such a decent man in all reality he keeps that confidential while she brow beats him for his supposed infidelities? What if this “loser” is just looking for a little personal happiness while he sacrifices for the best interest of his children? Hasty judgements are never prudent, nor helpful to anyone other than to breed intolerance. Who decided that the “sin” of infidelity was greater and worth more mention than the transgressions that may or may not have been committed against the adulterer?
on June 7, 2007 @ 2:42 pm
That depends Rouge.
Did you have a affair with someone who did treat you with respect and thought you were true to them? Did you lie to her? Pretend with her just because you needed to forfill your needs? Did you have other partners on the side and lie to her about it? If so, then that would make you wrong!!!!
If not, then you don’t need to think you are being called a loser.
I too can see it both ways.
It all depends on what the truth is. Hurting a innocent woman because your wife treats you wrong is selfish.
DON’T USE PEOPLE!
If your wife is abusive, speak up and take a stand.
The truth is always the way to go.
Hang in there:)
on June 9, 2007 @ 7:22 am
I am not involved with a married man but one that lives with his “roommate” as he calls her.They lived together for 8 years and the last four of those they slept in separate rooms. She diminished any sex they did have before the room change.They are night and day, they don’t get along only enough to share the house,she is 50,he is 41;she’s white,he’s black;their families don’t like them together;they have no kids together,she has none,he has 4 whom she cares less about.He refers to her as a bitch,most selfish person he knows,knit-picky,unaffecionate and complaining.Why hasn’t he moved out? Says he is afraid of love-it’s risky;says his living situation is safe because she can’t hurt his feelngs like I could.Yes I’m in love with him and he’s in love with me;This has go on for almost 2 years and though I feel he’ll move out soon because of his desire to be with me I’m feeling I should let it go and if he really loves me he’ll make things right and put closure on his “roommate”. I welcome any comments to this, especially from men who have been like the man I love.
on June 16, 2007 @ 5:09 pm
I’m an other woman and I understand the “cheating” man’s perspective very well. Not all cheating men are losers or creeps, but in my case an emotionally abused, confused, caring man who is beautiful in so many ways. His nine month deep friendship and then affair with me completely changed his life, I know. His wife’s abuse is “infidelity” in many more ways than his sexual “infidelity.” She couldn’t be emotionally intimate with him and humiliated him. He knows now that he needs to decide if he can live the rest of his life with her. She knows that he fell in love with me and that has spurred her to try to change. I have left the relationship with him and will not be involved with him while he decides what he wants to do. It has been the most painful decision of my life (aggravated by the fact that he lives just down the street), but I’m convinced that I am worth more than just being there for him while he decides. I think it also forces him to think through the reality of his marriage without me as an outlet. I don’t know what will happen, but I am “moving on” in the sense of finding other meaning in my life and being open to other relationships. If he decides his marriage won’t work, without input from me, then it will be totally his decision and then he can come to me free. I don’t hold out alot of hope, because I think he’s codependent, and also cares deeply about his kids. Those of us who have left spouses know that it takes time and courage. I think he’ll stay with her until it becomes unbearable. I know he loves me, didn’t